Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 43 "Part 4, Chapter 13"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
77 total reviews
Comment from bookishfabler
I like how you are causing mre conflicts. very good. I have a few suggestions.
Once more awake,Sounds strange, perhaps just more awake?
Brrr, the water was (is) cold. By the time I get there, whoever it is will've hung up.
Silence, then she repeated the greeting.
"Hello," Anna repeated for the third time.(repeated twice- ironic, lol. Also in the secod sentece you can just say she said for the third time.
We just got a puppy and he's also my alarm clock, 6 am on the nose)
Ginger returned the smile. "She's in her office." She picked the receiver and dialed. "Ms. Rodgers, there's a gentleman." She glanced toward Troy.
(Alot of She in the beginning of each sentence, How about breaking it up a bit,
Ginger returned the smile."She's in her office." Picking up the receiver, she dialed. "Ms. Rodgers, there's a gentleman." Her eyes met Troy's.
hugs Book
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2011
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I like how you are causing mre conflicts. very good. I have a few suggestions.
Once more awake,Sounds strange, perhaps just more awake?
Brrr, the water was (is) cold. By the time I get there, whoever it is will've hung up.
Silence, then she repeated the greeting.
"Hello," Anna repeated for the third time.(repeated twice- ironic, lol. Also in the secod sentece you can just say she said for the third time.
We just got a puppy and he's also my alarm clock, 6 am on the nose)
Ginger returned the smile. "She's in her office." She picked the receiver and dialed. "Ms. Rodgers, there's a gentleman." She glanced toward Troy.
(Alot of She in the beginning of each sentence, How about breaking it up a bit,
Ginger returned the smile."She's in her office." Picking up the receiver, she dialed. "Ms. Rodgers, there's a gentleman." Her eyes met Troy's.
hugs Book
Comment Written 04-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2011
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I made a hard copy so I don't miss anything. Thank you for your eagle eye. I appreciate it.
Comment from livingwords
Nice continuation of the drama. Nits: You should delete one of the "repeated" in paragraph 4 or 5. Also, the amount of italicized inner thought is a bit over done at the beginning. This is a very well told story with excellent conveyance of tension. Dan :))
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2011
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Nice continuation of the drama. Nits: You should delete one of the "repeated" in paragraph 4 or 5. Also, the amount of italicized inner thought is a bit over done at the beginning. This is a very well told story with excellent conveyance of tension. Dan :))
Comment Written 04-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2011
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Thank you for your eagle eye and I am getting on it.
Comment from Bloomer Burbs
Hi Barbara
Wow, what a horrible situation for a woman to have to go through! I often hear reports on the news that tell us about someone being stalked.
Why do men do this, although sometimes it is women.
Well written and as hard as I looked I could find no spags, LOL.
Kind regards, Pete
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2011
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Hi Barbara
Wow, what a horrible situation for a woman to have to go through! I often hear reports on the news that tell us about someone being stalked.
Why do men do this, although sometimes it is women.
Well written and as hard as I looked I could find no spags, LOL.
Kind regards, Pete
Comment Written 04-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from robina1978
First the breathing caller, which made her sleep on the kitchen floor for safety reasons. Still tired at her office job, as Michael of course also woke her up early. Then as she wished Troy came to look for her. But before she could even express her silent wish A gun with a silencer(?) made her startle again and Troy ran out of the restaurant. So well written again.
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2011
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First the breathing caller, which made her sleep on the kitchen floor for safety reasons. Still tired at her office job, as Michael of course also woke her up early. Then as she wished Troy came to look for her. But before she could even express her silent wish A gun with a silencer(?) made her startle again and Troy ran out of the restaurant. So well written again.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2011
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HUMMMM, I am confused I don't have a gun in this story. Thank you for reading.
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I thought muffling sound was a gun with a silencer. What was it then?
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
As the breathing continued, Anna slammed down the receiver. She heard the rumble of a muffler and cried as she slumped to the floor. "Leave me alone.
Just leave me alone." She scooted herself back into the corner and curled up on the floor. "All I want is a normal life." --- Is this the first such phone call she's received? Why would she fall apart so over the first call? Also, doesn't she have caller ID?
She picked [up or lifted] the receiver and dialed. "Ms. Rodgers, there's a gentleman." She glanced toward Troy.
You also mention she's heard the loud muffler before. Is this the first time you've mentioned it or did I miss that somehow?
Roberta
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2011
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As the breathing continued, Anna slammed down the receiver. She heard the rumble of a muffler and cried as she slumped to the floor. "Leave me alone.
Just leave me alone." She scooted herself back into the corner and curled up on the floor. "All I want is a normal life." --- Is this the first such phone call she's received? Why would she fall apart so over the first call? Also, doesn't she have caller ID?
She picked [up or lifted] the receiver and dialed. "Ms. Rodgers, there's a gentleman." She glanced toward Troy.
You also mention she's heard the loud muffler before. Is this the first time you've mentioned it or did I miss that somehow?
Roberta
Comment Written 04-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2011
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I have mentioned the loud muffler many times throughout the story. She doesn't have caller ID, she's watching her pennies. Thank you for the suggestions. I will make the corrections.
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I just went back and looked. You have mentioned it before. I guess I'm going brain-dead.
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Hey, so am I.
Comment from c_lucas
It looks like Anna needs to buy a whistle and blow it into the phone to discourage unwanted callers. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2011
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It looks like Anna needs to buy a whistle and blow it into the phone to discourage unwanted callers. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2011
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Hey, a whistle might work. I'll think about it. Thank you for your kind review.
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Recommended by a police officer in a self defense lecture my second wife and I attended. Blowing the whistle will burst the ear drum of the caller. He also recommend the callee hold the phone away from the ear to prevent payback.
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I will consider it
Comment from Sweet Anita
Sounds like there is going to be a lot of action about to happen. I hope they find out who is harrassing Anna. I would advise Anna to get caller ID, but I know there is a way for the caller to disable it before they make the call. I liked this chapter. Looking forward to the next one.:-)
Nita
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reply by the author on 04-Dec-2011
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Sounds like there is going to be a lot of action about to happen. I hope they find out who is harrassing Anna. I would advise Anna to get caller ID, but I know there is a way for the caller to disable it before they make the call. I liked this chapter. Looking forward to the next one.:-)
Nita
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
