Stand Strong
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Alive and Awake"Social pressures threaten a childhood friendship
87 total reviews
Comment from Deniz22
Hope you reach your target audience with good stuff. Sounds like you have your finger on the pulse of teen girls in similar situations...one little typo "creeped up Mara's scalp" (crept?)
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Hope you reach your target audience with good stuff. Sounds like you have your finger on the pulse of teen girls in similar situations...one little typo "creeped up Mara's scalp" (crept?)
Comment Written 20-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Hi, D. Thanks so much for the kind review and catching the spaggie. :) Bev
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Comment from royowen
Being in the mind of a "revolutionary" teenager (who will become conservative and normal, whatever that means when she grows up!) and a teen who conforms to her parent's world, I or whatever the adult realm of the time, is an interesting thought! Kids just want to belong, same as adults, loved the psychological world you have created, you have to Be imaginative, to project yourself into a world, maybe long forgotten Bev, well done my friend, good plotting, good characterisation, enjoyed it, well written, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Being in the mind of a "revolutionary" teenager (who will become conservative and normal, whatever that means when she grows up!) and a teen who conforms to her parent's world, I or whatever the adult realm of the time, is an interesting thought! Kids just want to belong, same as adults, loved the psychological world you have created, you have to Be imaginative, to project yourself into a world, maybe long forgotten Bev, well done my friend, good plotting, good characterisation, enjoyed it, well written, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Hi, Roy. I have a couple of nieces who read my chapters and comment on areas that don't sound right from their perspective. Thank goodness they are well-read and articulate.
I so appreciate your kind and generous review.
:) Bev
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Ah, ha,
Comment from Sis Cat
I love this! It sheds a light on Christian teens who are seldom mentioned in the popular media. I enjoy the natural dialogue that sounds like real teens. The descriptions of gestures and glances are simple but exquisite because they convey meaning when the characters are not speaking or they help emphasize a point.
I only discovered two small typos. "Mirror" is spelled "miorror" and the phrase "but no cutting off hair!" needs two quotation marks instead of the single apostrophe " ' " before "but."
We need more novels like this. I wish you the best in your endeavor. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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I love this! It sheds a light on Christian teens who are seldom mentioned in the popular media. I enjoy the natural dialogue that sounds like real teens. The descriptions of gestures and glances are simple but exquisite because they convey meaning when the characters are not speaking or they help emphasize a point.
I only discovered two small typos. "Mirror" is spelled "miorror" and the phrase "but no cutting off hair!" needs two quotation marks instead of the single apostrophe " ' " before "but."
We need more novels like this. I wish you the best in your endeavor. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Hi, Sis Cat. Thanks so much for catching those errors! I appreciate your sharp editorial eye.
Also, hearing what works with the story is rewarding to me, as I'm looking for just that kind of gentle feedback. You've pick a big smile on my face!
Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Bev,
You do a really good job of showing each girls personalities, and chitchatting about clothes and hair. The important things in life to a Freshman.
Even Mara envying Jujee, and letting her go on and enjoy herself. She's much kinder. I would have probably thrown a tantrum at that age. (*<*)
Nice hook at the end with Mara meeting Mr Gorgeous, up close and not wanting to mess it up.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*.*)
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Hi, Bev,
You do a really good job of showing each girls personalities, and chitchatting about clothes and hair. The important things in life to a Freshman.
Even Mara envying Jujee, and letting her go on and enjoy herself. She's much kinder. I would have probably thrown a tantrum at that age. (*<*)
Nice hook at the end with Mara meeting Mr Gorgeous, up close and not wanting to mess it up.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*.*)
Comment Written 20-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Hi, Jax. I was a timid person like Mara. I would be angry but not likely to show it which is not the healthiest kind of person to be! Thanks for the great review.
:) Bev
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I will say, just a time or two, mind you, but as my dad would have said that I let, "My mouth overrode my hindquarter." I cleaned up that last word, don't you know. (*<*)
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Ha, your Dad sounds quite the wit LoL. :)
Comment from kiwijenny
What a great ending...Jujee is a a selfish spoiled brat...but I like your long dark haired character Mara ..who thinks she is chubby
I like pulled into the orbit of a dark lashed brown eyed Gabe Sanders
Cool
God bless
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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What a great ending...Jujee is a a selfish spoiled brat...but I like your long dark haired character Mara ..who thinks she is chubby
I like pulled into the orbit of a dark lashed brown eyed Gabe Sanders
Cool
God bless
Comment Written 20-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Hey, Kiwi, thanks so much for the great review. Jujee is a troubled girl who hasn't yet learned how to be a real friend.
I appreciate your insights!
:) Bev
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi, Bev.
You have tapped into the teenage girl cattiness so well! Reading about Jujee is like seeing a mirror image of a friend I had all through high school. Jujee reminds me of an insecure peacock, always having to be the centre of attention. You show this so well from the clothing to her hairstyle, making Mara feel the lesser.
You showed this so well at the concert. Jujee actions to abandon Mara, shows just how insecure and shallow a friend she really is.
My favourite part that says volumes, ""Mara huddled in her seat... soaking up the tears. What did you expect, huh? You're fat and awkward. Of course, Jujee wants to be with those other girls. They're pretty and popular. She belongs with friends like that...people who have something to offer her." This is a perfect inner reflection of emotions every teenage girl goes through. The ending is great. Mara triumphs! :D
Bev, you have a great story with strong characters and dialogue. This is a book every female teen can relate to and identify with Mara.
Bye, my friend!
Hugs
Rosalyne :)
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Hi, Bev.
You have tapped into the teenage girl cattiness so well! Reading about Jujee is like seeing a mirror image of a friend I had all through high school. Jujee reminds me of an insecure peacock, always having to be the centre of attention. You show this so well from the clothing to her hairstyle, making Mara feel the lesser.
You showed this so well at the concert. Jujee actions to abandon Mara, shows just how insecure and shallow a friend she really is.
My favourite part that says volumes, ""Mara huddled in her seat... soaking up the tears. What did you expect, huh? You're fat and awkward. Of course, Jujee wants to be with those other girls. They're pretty and popular. She belongs with friends like that...people who have something to offer her." This is a perfect inner reflection of emotions every teenage girl goes through. The ending is great. Mara triumphs! :D
Bev, you have a great story with strong characters and dialogue. This is a book every female teen can relate to and identify with Mara.
Bye, my friend!
Hugs
Rosalyne :)
Comment Written 20-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Aw, thanks so very much, Rosalyne. I'm glowing from this gracious and generous review. I'm so glad that you feel teens can relate to Mara's situation. I know that her troubles are a mirror of what I went through in high school. Jujee is going to continue to create problems because Mara is a loyal person and will try to continue to see the best in her friend. I think it's important to keep this thread in the story. As our favorite editor might suggest, it is a crisis which forces the protagonist to make some hard decisions. :)
You're the bomb, Rosalyne!
Hugs, Bev
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Hi, Bev.
So many of the girls like Jujee, end up being the most insecure unhappy women later in life. They'll never be satisfied, always striving for more attention. It's pathetic seeing some trying to hold onto their fading youth, instead of enjoying all life's pleasures. They're the ones who keep plastic surgeons in business. LOL
You have a wonderful group of characters that are driving the story! Our editor will really enjoy this story! :)
Bye, my friend!
Hugs
Rosalyne :)
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So true, Rosalyne. These girls have plenty of role models among the famous beauties that are everywhere, don't they? It is sad. Thanks again, buddy.
XXOO Bev
Comment from Adri7enne
ooh, Nice! I'm so glad Mara ran into Mr. Gorgeous because Jujee was really getting to be a bummer! I hope she gets trampled. LOL! While you're writing about a totally alien world for me, the emotions are still familiar. Well done, Bev.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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ooh, Nice! I'm so glad Mara ran into Mr. Gorgeous because Jujee was really getting to be a bummer! I hope she gets trampled. LOL! While you're writing about a totally alien world for me, the emotions are still familiar. Well done, Bev.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Hi, Adrienne. I worked to make this chapter a bit more edgy. Thanks for the grand review and the very generous sixer. I appreciate it.
:) Bev
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Writingfundimension,
I had a feeling Jujee was going to be the out of control brat who would be trouble. Good description of a brat taking advantage of a friend she's using to get what she wants.
Nicely done.
Patrick
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Hi Writingfundimension,
I had a feeling Jujee was going to be the out of control brat who would be trouble. Good description of a brat taking advantage of a friend she's using to get what she wants.
Nicely done.
Patrick
Comment Written 20-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Hi, Patrick
Thanks for the insights and for your taking time to read. Jujee isn't done making trouble. She's that passive/aggressive sort you both love and hate. Appreciate it!
Bev
Comment from Tomes Johnston
This is an interest post that the author has created with this piece of work. I am intrigued by the internet and selfies side if this story. I can see that you are targeting a young audience with this one. Well.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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This is an interest post that the author has created with this piece of work. I am intrigued by the internet and selfies side if this story. I can see that you are targeting a young audience with this one. Well.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Thanks so much, Tomes. I appreciate you mentioning that the story does come across as being for my target audience of Young Adults. :) Bev
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Good work.
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Thanks, Tomes.
Comment from dmt1967
'Pointing to a spot on the carpet next to her, Jujee said,' I would write 'She pointed to a spot on the carpet next to her.
'(When) the site came up, she tapped the screen for emphasis.' I would delete (when)
'Clicking into the site', I would change this and say 'She clicked on the site
'Sliding her fingers ' I would say 'she slid her fingers
'Turning to face Mara, she pressed her point home,' I would say 'Jujee turned to face Mara as she pressed her point home
'She rolled her eyes and shook her head, but started laughing when she saw her reflection in the mirror.' full stop after head. 'She laughed as she glanced in the mirror and saw her complexion.
I would re read and edit. There is a lot of telling and very little showing. I would also show the reader her reactions. I find the easiest way to do this is either through dialogue of thought.
Thank you for sharing.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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'Pointing to a spot on the carpet next to her, Jujee said,' I would write 'She pointed to a spot on the carpet next to her.
'(When) the site came up, she tapped the screen for emphasis.' I would delete (when)
'Clicking into the site', I would change this and say 'She clicked on the site
'Sliding her fingers ' I would say 'she slid her fingers
'Turning to face Mara, she pressed her point home,' I would say 'Jujee turned to face Mara as she pressed her point home
'She rolled her eyes and shook her head, but started laughing when she saw her reflection in the mirror.' full stop after head. 'She laughed as she glanced in the mirror and saw her complexion.
I would re read and edit. There is a lot of telling and very little showing. I would also show the reader her reactions. I find the easiest way to do this is either through dialogue of thought.
Thank you for sharing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Thank you for your suggested changes.
