Steve's Story-Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "Lafferty's Last Ride"A collection of my poems
85 total reviews
Comment from gypsynet
a narrative that brings me to a journey of wars' travails.. strong attention to details that brings to life the history of conflict and man's attempt to seize power for good or bad causes.. your visual language is thorough and well-structured with settings that boggle the senses... intricate notes and fine choice of illustration cap this piece...good job!
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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a narrative that brings me to a journey of wars' travails.. strong attention to details that brings to life the history of conflict and man's attempt to seize power for good or bad causes.. your visual language is thorough and well-structured with settings that boggle the senses... intricate notes and fine choice of illustration cap this piece...good job!
Comment Written 06-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review my lengthy piece. I appreciate it and your kind words.
Steve
Comment from bkrighter
excellent.there were a few lines that read a little awkwardly, at least on a first pass. nut that is a little hard to avoid in a work of this length. great job.
steve
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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excellent.there were a few lines that read a little awkwardly, at least on a first pass. nut that is a little hard to avoid in a work of this length. great job.
steve
Comment Written 06-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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Thank you so much for the kind words and the six stars.
Steve
Comment from barkingdog
Steve, this is the most amazing work, I've ever read besides Tennyson's or Longfellow's long poems.
It is brilliant in it's use of historic battles, though Lafferty might be fiction, the historical reality validates him.
Your tempo just keeps moving on and on and is a breeze to follow. Not the least pedantic and your rhyme is so good that it's hardly noticed, yet it adds genuine melody to the piece.
In just these two lines(When men were men and women swooned to hear their heroes tell
Of battles waged in far off lands and perils that befell.), you have 'e'assonance, alliteration(hear/heroes), 'oo' assonance(swooned/ to), 'f' consonanse(far off/befell)
The entire poem is composed of these sorts of techniques which I know just flow out of you naturally...amazing.
I felt that I knew the man, a strong, stubborn, brave, daring, guy and was glad when he found happiness. The line about the dove of peace flying from his chest was a great metaphor. The entire stanza was beautiful... defeated by love, Zalika stole his heart and lotus blossoms on the Nile. Just one example of the many pictures you gave the reader. Marvelous pictures.
Then after surviving all the battles he loses his love and goes mad...so it seemed until you got to the counting tobacco. I assume they were Camels?
So serious and then One, two, three, four, five, six, seven... eight.... and nine.... and ten,"
I guess that's a way to say smoking kills...it's suicide. LOL
You deserve a standing "O" for this one. A six is not enough.
Thank you for all the time you took to craft this and for sharing it with us on FanStory, steve.
Proud to be your fan,
barking dog/ellen
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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Steve, this is the most amazing work, I've ever read besides Tennyson's or Longfellow's long poems.
It is brilliant in it's use of historic battles, though Lafferty might be fiction, the historical reality validates him.
Your tempo just keeps moving on and on and is a breeze to follow. Not the least pedantic and your rhyme is so good that it's hardly noticed, yet it adds genuine melody to the piece.
In just these two lines(When men were men and women swooned to hear their heroes tell
Of battles waged in far off lands and perils that befell.), you have 'e'assonance, alliteration(hear/heroes), 'oo' assonance(swooned/ to), 'f' consonanse(far off/befell)
The entire poem is composed of these sorts of techniques which I know just flow out of you naturally...amazing.
I felt that I knew the man, a strong, stubborn, brave, daring, guy and was glad when he found happiness. The line about the dove of peace flying from his chest was a great metaphor. The entire stanza was beautiful... defeated by love, Zalika stole his heart and lotus blossoms on the Nile. Just one example of the many pictures you gave the reader. Marvelous pictures.
Then after surviving all the battles he loses his love and goes mad...so it seemed until you got to the counting tobacco. I assume they were Camels?
So serious and then One, two, three, four, five, six, seven... eight.... and nine.... and ten,"
I guess that's a way to say smoking kills...it's suicide. LOL
You deserve a standing "O" for this one. A six is not enough.
Thank you for all the time you took to craft this and for sharing it with us on FanStory, steve.
Proud to be your fan,
barking dog/ellen
Comment Written 06-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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Oh dear, oh dear! How can I possibly live up to that?! Shan't even try - I've just written a rather sill limerick for that contest - I bet Tennyson and Longfellow never stooped to that!
Thank you for the high praise and the care with which you obviously read this - you are right, I might think, "Yes, I like that verse," but I never really analyse it to see why it works.
It did take some time - I got stuck quite often and put it aside for days at a time to come back to it fresh - and work interfered as well! I would probably still be tinkering with it if not for the contest deadline
Thanks again, Ellen, for the enthusiastic response - I have received more reviews than I thought likely (because of the length) but I am far from confident about how judges will regard it - there's tat dodgy ending for a start...
Lord Alfred Henry Wadsworth Rudyard Banjo Steve
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They will love it, how could they not. The other entries are not nearly as original or have such a ballsie bloke as the star. He's brash as well as broken hearted. I hope they can enjoy the humor in the end with the camels and the cigarettes. Poo on 'em if they can't. (Some may not appreciate the change of tone. Stiff necks. LOL) But you do stay true to who you are and you always do that twist at the end. I always feel like the fish. I read along all seriously and then have to shift my fame a bit and say 'what'he just say? No, he didn't? Yes, he did! Got me again!' It's like the old uncle with the trick that always get's you and you fall for it everytime.
Oh, are you having a FS name change? I did mean to put Kipling.
Take care and enjoy a new hat. ;)
Comment from alexgardiner
My Great Grandfather died with Gordon at Khartoom and his son, my Grandfather, died at the Somme in 1916.Our family paid dearly for the so called British Empire.
The Fuzzy Wuzzies seemed to capture any glory to be had in
Gordon's stupid war.
Telle est la vie.
Glory ???
Luckily for me my father survied that first world war.
Your poem I read with interest and I aplaud you for remembering the lost ones.
It's the remembering that counts!
Lest we forget.
The lucky Auld Yin.
Sorry Bonny Lad nae sixes left:(
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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My Great Grandfather died with Gordon at Khartoom and his son, my Grandfather, died at the Somme in 1916.Our family paid dearly for the so called British Empire.
The Fuzzy Wuzzies seemed to capture any glory to be had in
Gordon's stupid war.
Telle est la vie.
Glory ???
Luckily for me my father survied that first world war.
Your poem I read with interest and I aplaud you for remembering the lost ones.
It's the remembering that counts!
Lest we forget.
The lucky Auld Yin.
Sorry Bonny Lad nae sixes left:(
Comment Written 05-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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It seems such a long time ago, and yet not so far in terms of generations - I felt it was likely someone would have a personal connection. My Dad was born 1907 so just missed WWI - fought in Egypt in WWII...
I did try to highlight the personal bravery rather than to glorify war itself - I tend to agree with Wilfred Owen when he say this is the Great Lie - Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori...
Thanks for taking the time to read and review.
Steve
PS have just been taking a wee peek at your sculptures - nice.
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Sweet, only for the glorifiers:(
Comment from rchitwood
I see nothing to nit pick as I enjoyed the adventures of Lafferty.He sounds like a very brave British soldier he sure had to fight a lot.Your story poem has good description of the war with the Zulu tribe and it was a pleasure to read.Your writing will be a good contender in the contest.Your photo compliments your writing well.Blessings Rita
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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I see nothing to nit pick as I enjoyed the adventures of Lafferty.He sounds like a very brave British soldier he sure had to fight a lot.Your story poem has good description of the war with the Zulu tribe and it was a pleasure to read.Your writing will be a good contender in the contest.Your photo compliments your writing well.Blessings Rita
Comment Written 05-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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Thanks, Rita - glad you enjoyed the story.
Steve
Comment from J. P. Egry
Well, no one should be nit-picking this one! I think it rates right up there with the classics--historical poems like this one that tell a story---(the Midnight Ride of Paul Revere???). And you're right, it is almost an epic, as it probably should be.
It's obvious that you spent a lot of time and effort to make this as perfect as it is---so much research to find the facts, and then to arrange all that information into a poetic form is a miracle in itself. Your stanza breaks, meter and rhyme all help to make the poem work. The variations (slight as they are) are necessary to tell the tale with the required word choices. You've wrenched those words out of the plain narrative and moved them about to create beautiful poetry.
I love the story, I love the way you've told it, and I especially like the humor in the last stanza and the final "punch" line---wonderful.
Well, I have just one teeny tiny nit----I think in the 9th stanza, 4th line that "nation" is singular and should be followed by "was provoked". What do you think?
My opinion is that you will win the contest with this polished piece of work.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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Well, no one should be nit-picking this one! I think it rates right up there with the classics--historical poems like this one that tell a story---(the Midnight Ride of Paul Revere???). And you're right, it is almost an epic, as it probably should be.
It's obvious that you spent a lot of time and effort to make this as perfect as it is---so much research to find the facts, and then to arrange all that information into a poetic form is a miracle in itself. Your stanza breaks, meter and rhyme all help to make the poem work. The variations (slight as they are) are necessary to tell the tale with the required word choices. You've wrenched those words out of the plain narrative and moved them about to create beautiful poetry.
I love the story, I love the way you've told it, and I especially like the humor in the last stanza and the final "punch" line---wonderful.
Well, I have just one teeny tiny nit----I think in the 9th stanza, 4th line that "nation" is singular and should be followed by "was provoked". What do you think?
My opinion is that you will win the contest with this polished piece of work.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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That kind of nit-picking I don't mind! I haven't checked it yet, but you're right about the agreement...
Yes, I lived with this one for a while. I started with knowing how to end - it was an old joke of my father's and the first stanza which came quickly and then a bit of planning about which battles he could credibly be involved in. Then the resesarch and the cobbling together of the narrative... First time I've tackled anything so ambitious so I am pleased with the final result - my biggest fear was that the joke ending would ruin it, but everyone (almost) seems prepared to overlook that.
As for winning the contest - no chicken-counting. I've been surprised before and I heard a comment yesterday that the 'committee' is really just Tom and his cat! All it needs is for that cat to get a little bored with Lafferty and decide he likes coloured elephants instead...
Thanks!
Steve
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If there is a story poem about a mouse, you and I are chopped liver.
(Tom who?????)
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Tom seems to be the brains and organiser behind FanStory. On a couple of occasions when I have had a reason to contact the committee, I have always received a reply from 'Tom'. Longer-term members may be able to tell you more.
Steve
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Thanks. Just wondered if it might be the Tom of easyeverett.
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I've never connected the two but it might be possible. Easy has the skill and depth and range... If so I imagine he wouldn't enter comps hhimself...
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You're probably right.
Comment from Van
Excellent flow. Wonderful to read. Loved every bit of it without pause up to the fifth stanza first and second lines. The enjambment of the two lines made me pause to wonder whether it was a question or a statement. I read it a couple of times and then moved on quickly resuming the flowing rhythm.
As to the ending. Loved it! The duality of the pun mixed with Lafferty going insane was perfect. The reader could adopt the slip of sanity of the character or the loosening of grip by the author.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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Excellent flow. Wonderful to read. Loved every bit of it without pause up to the fifth stanza first and second lines. The enjambment of the two lines made me pause to wonder whether it was a question or a statement. I read it a couple of times and then moved on quickly resuming the flowing rhythm.
As to the ending. Loved it! The duality of the pun mixed with Lafferty going insane was perfect. The reader could adopt the slip of sanity of the character or the loosening of grip by the author.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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Thank you. I'll check those lines - I think someone else has queried why no question mark (if I'm thinking of the right line) I slipped in a couple of enjambments just to break up the string of end-stopped lines...
My greatest fear with this was that readers would find the joke ending inappropriate, so thanks for your comment about it - mostly it seems to have got the tick of approval or maybe a few reviewers didn't get that far!
Comment from ephraim crud, COS.
I
Must say
Your story, though
Alarmingly racist, is
Without doubt a
Noble effort.
In fact i'd say
Never have i read as
Good. well done, eph.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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I
Must say
Your story, though
Alarmingly racist, is
Without doubt a
Noble effort.
In fact i'd say
Never have i read as
Good. well done, eph.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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The British were undoubtedly racist in their attitudes (as was almost universal at the time) but I hope those attitudes reflected in the characters aren't glorified or condoned by the poem! I have tried to be as fair as possible, although the perspective has to remain with the main character and in fact the poem points out in places the insensitivity and arrogance of British attitudes.
Thanks for taking the time to read and review...
Steve
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thank you for your kindly reply, Steve. much appreciated, and much good luck. i think you've another win under your belt! have you a thing about coming from behind, lol. regards, eph.
Comment from Alan K Pease
You write poetic stories very well instilling in them the history off the British Empire and the struggles to keep it in place. Your poem is one of adventure for all of us. I am curious if you know of the novelist Wilbur Smith, a South African author of magnificent prose recalling the adventure of families throughout the continent. Your poem covers similar times and events. I wish I had a six to give your writing and story telling.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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You write poetic stories very well instilling in them the history off the British Empire and the struggles to keep it in place. Your poem is one of adventure for all of us. I am curious if you know of the novelist Wilbur Smith, a South African author of magnificent prose recalling the adventure of families throughout the continent. Your poem covers similar times and events. I wish I had a six to give your writing and story telling.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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Alan, thank you so much for reading and reviewing my lengthy piece - I appreciate your time and the virtual six.
Yes, of course I know of Wilbur Smith - oh, to have half of his skill as an author! I have read several of his novels, but long ago - Do you happen to know off hand if any of them deal with the Zulu War. Now my interest has been kindled, I want to find out more. I am also going to search out the Flashman book by George MacDonald Fraser that places Flashy at the battle of Isandlwana...
Thanks again.
Steve
Comment from mumsyone
Wow! I made it all the way to the end, although I have to admit I skimmed over a line or two now and then! I like the fact that you wrote the poem as it should be--not with exact syllable count per line, etc.--and left it up to the reader to read it properly! Few on here do that, and few reviewers let it ride. They get too caught up in scansion and, as a result, a poem can lose whatever "character" it has or should have. Great job with this one.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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Wow! I made it all the way to the end, although I have to admit I skimmed over a line or two now and then! I like the fact that you wrote the poem as it should be--not with exact syllable count per line, etc.--and left it up to the reader to read it properly! Few on here do that, and few reviewers let it ride. They get too caught up in scansion and, as a result, a poem can lose whatever "character" it has or should have. Great job with this one.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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Thanks for taking the time - you are excused for skipping a line or two!
You are right about the scansion - a poem of this length would be very sing-songy and monotonous if the meter was perfectly regular...
Thanks again for the review and the six stars - much appreciated.
Steve
