The dragon Mareng
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "A puppy for Mara on her birthday"Mareng growing up and all kinds
15 total reviews
Comment from TammyGail
This was a great little chapter
You did a wonderful job crafting this
Loved your imagery as well
Thanks for sharing it was a pleasure
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2011
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This was a great little chapter
You did a wonderful job crafting this
Loved your imagery as well
Thanks for sharing it was a pleasure
Comment Written 25-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind review. Take care and have a nice day, Ine
Comment from AprilShower
Hello, Robina.
You have picked a cute picture for your story! I sure would love to see a picture of those dragons who attend school. I hope you don't mind a few suggestions with examples below.
(When different people or dragons speak, separate with two spaces.) See below:
The rest of their holiday they used for their hobbies, training Artie, walking the two dogs separately (Artie was too small to go with Nicci) and some playing in the woods. Occasionally they met some other children from their class and also from their previous school. One time they even bumped into Mrs. Dragonlake.
"How are you doing Mareng and Mara? Have you settled in college yet?"
"Yes we have, Mrs. Dragonlake. How nice to meet you again."
"Are your results at college still equally good?"
"Yes Mrs. Dragonlake, they are. And Mara celebrated her birthday recently. She also got a dog as a present; we each have one now, a male and a female."
"Sorry, I have to get on now, hope to meet you again sometime."
"Bye Mrs. Dragonlake, it was so nice to see you again."
(Do the same with the French speaking parts, also.)
I have another suggestion:
(I know this will be more work, but it would improve your story. Don't tell us. Show us.)
Example:
(what you wrote)
A couple of months later, they got their first results for tasks done at college. And to their surprise they both were still at the top of their class.
Mareng and Mara were praised by the teachers and their parents.
(An example of showing below)
A couple of months later at college. Mareng and Mara left class together.
Mareng held up his report. "Did you look at your report yet, Mara?"
Mara smiled. "Yes." She looked his way. "Are you still at the top for your tasks?"
His face glowed. Yes. I am. Did the teacher praise you, too?"
She gave him a playful punch. "Yes, and I can't wait to hear the praise we'll get at home!"
(Hope this is helpful.)
April
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2011
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Hello, Robina.
You have picked a cute picture for your story! I sure would love to see a picture of those dragons who attend school. I hope you don't mind a few suggestions with examples below.
(When different people or dragons speak, separate with two spaces.) See below:
The rest of their holiday they used for their hobbies, training Artie, walking the two dogs separately (Artie was too small to go with Nicci) and some playing in the woods. Occasionally they met some other children from their class and also from their previous school. One time they even bumped into Mrs. Dragonlake.
"How are you doing Mareng and Mara? Have you settled in college yet?"
"Yes we have, Mrs. Dragonlake. How nice to meet you again."
"Are your results at college still equally good?"
"Yes Mrs. Dragonlake, they are. And Mara celebrated her birthday recently. She also got a dog as a present; we each have one now, a male and a female."
"Sorry, I have to get on now, hope to meet you again sometime."
"Bye Mrs. Dragonlake, it was so nice to see you again."
(Do the same with the French speaking parts, also.)
I have another suggestion:
(I know this will be more work, but it would improve your story. Don't tell us. Show us.)
Example:
(what you wrote)
A couple of months later, they got their first results for tasks done at college. And to their surprise they both were still at the top of their class.
Mareng and Mara were praised by the teachers and their parents.
(An example of showing below)
A couple of months later at college. Mareng and Mara left class together.
Mareng held up his report. "Did you look at your report yet, Mara?"
Mara smiled. "Yes." She looked his way. "Are you still at the top for your tasks?"
His face glowed. Yes. I am. Did the teacher praise you, too?"
She gave him a playful punch. "Yes, and I can't wait to hear the praise we'll get at home!"
(Hope this is helpful.)
April
Comment Written 25-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2011
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Thanks for your kind review. Take care and have a nice day, Ine.Thanks for the tips, will see tomorrow what I can do-sure looks better.
Tried to give you a nomination, but could not as I already nominated you this month.
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You're welcome, Robina.
Comment from ephraim crud, COS.
now why couldn't that one be called Tyburn?
it were a male. still, Artie's a nice name
so's i'll let you off, Dutchess Ine.
like the dragons, the time flies by on
another delightful episode. hmmm, me wonders
if Mareng and Mara will be wed sometime in
the future? thank you. warmly, xx, eph.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2011
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now why couldn't that one be called Tyburn?
it were a male. still, Artie's a nice name
so's i'll let you off, Dutchess Ine.
like the dragons, the time flies by on
another delightful episode. hmmm, me wonders
if Mareng and Mara will be wed sometime in
the future? thank you. warmly, xx, eph.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind and generous rating. Take care and have a good day, Ine. You guessed right my Prince-sorry to give it away and not keep you in suspence.
Comment from mumsyone
Your writing is good, but I don't feel any excitement in this chapter, and children like excitement. The chapter is about a puppy, yet there is very little mention of the pup or its training, or how it might have gotten itself (or them) into trouble--which would have added a little excitement.
Mareng liked science and math's (maths) a lot,
Sometimes Mareng and Mara were allowed to do their home work (homework) together
Half way (Halfway) through the break it was Mara's birthday now (omit 'now').
To start with(,) Artie could only take small walks
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2011
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Your writing is good, but I don't feel any excitement in this chapter, and children like excitement. The chapter is about a puppy, yet there is very little mention of the pup or its training, or how it might have gotten itself (or them) into trouble--which would have added a little excitement.
Mareng liked science and math's (maths) a lot,
Sometimes Mareng and Mara were allowed to do their home work (homework) together
Half way (Halfway) through the break it was Mara's birthday now (omit 'now').
To start with(,) Artie could only take small walks
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind and generous rating. Take care and have a good day, Ine. Thanks for your corrections-will change. As it is a bit like a fairy tale I try not to add too much excitement.
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Fairy tales have excitement; that's why kids like them. Just my opinion, of course.
Comment from peggles
Descriptive setting exceptionally visual and a well composed chapter
This was an very enjoyable read and good follow on to the storyline
The dialogue is realistic and your character are believable
well done
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2011
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Descriptive setting exceptionally visual and a well composed chapter
This was an very enjoyable read and good follow on to the storyline
The dialogue is realistic and your character are believable
well done
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind and generous rating. Take care and have a good day, Ine
