The dragon Mareng
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "A puppy for Mara on her birthday"Mareng growing up and all kinds
15 total reviews
Comment from Joan E.
I am glad you are continuing this unusual story about the adventures of the dragon children, now in college. "Artie" is a clever name for a pet whose owners love art! You have me wondering what will happen in future chapters... -Joan
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2011
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I am glad you are continuing this unusual story about the adventures of the dragon children, now in college. "Artie" is a clever name for a pet whose owners love art! You have me wondering what will happen in future chapters... -Joan
Comment Written 27-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your time and review. Take care and hand or evening, Ine. Just be patient- LOL.
Comment from adewpearl
First you call the dog he/his and then you call the dog it.
You should be consistent and refer to Artie as he/him throughout.
How are you doing, Mareng - add comma for direct address
The dogs played and played, AND so did Mareng - I added the and
There are times throughout your book where I wish you included fewer events but had more detail for the ones you include. A good example is the Christmas play. I can't really picture the play. It isn't a part of the story that draws me in. You just mention it briefly without the kind of detail that would make it come to life.
Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2011
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First you call the dog he/his and then you call the dog it.
You should be consistent and refer to Artie as he/him throughout.
How are you doing, Mareng - add comma for direct address
The dogs played and played, AND so did Mareng - I added the and
There are times throughout your book where I wish you included fewer events but had more detail for the ones you include. A good example is the Christmas play. I can't really picture the play. It isn't a part of the story that draws me in. You just mention it briefly without the kind of detail that would make it come to life.
Brooke :-)
Comment Written 26-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind and thoughtful review. Glad you liked it. Take care, Ine. Thanks for the tips Brooke and corrections.
Comment from Jean Lutz
It is good to see that the dragons and humans are getting through class together. Will the summer add more harmony. Will have to wait for your next chapters to see.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2011
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It is good to see that the dragons and humans are getting through class together. Will the summer add more harmony. Will have to wait for your next chapters to see.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind and thoughtful review. Glad you liked it. Take care, Ine
Comment from fionageorge
Hi Ine
Another delightful chapter in the lives of Mareng and Mara, and their college days. I enjoyed reading this, and have made the following suggestions (below). There were some areas which didn't flow as well as they could. Again, gramatically, due to the translation, needed improvement.
I hope you take this as 'constructive criticism and advice'. This certainly does not detract from the delightful and enjoyable story line.
After a couple of weeks they were used to changing classrooms and slowly, but gradually [surely]) to the new teachers as well (they got used to having different teachers).
So:
After a couple of weeks they were used to changing classrooms and slowly, but surely] they got used to having different teachers.
Not all teachers were equally (remove 'equally', this is superfluous) well liked.
Some could not keep order in the classroom; mind you that could at times give some additional fun.
Perhaps:
Some were unable to keep order, but at times this added to the enjoyment of the lesson.
The lessons that (remove 'that' it is superfluous) both Mareng and Mara enjoyed most were: (remove : it breaks the flow) English, (instead of ', have and) the (remove 'the') other languages, history and art.
(New paragraph) Mareng liked (enjoyed?) science and maths a lot (remove 'a lot'), but Mara found them more difficult. As she still (remove 'still') wanted to become a vet, she had to persevere and improve on these.
Sometimes Mareng and Mara were allowed to do their home work together and then he would help her a bit.
Perhaps:
Sometimes they did their homework together. Then Mareng would help Mara.
On the [their] way home they often gave each other language practice.
Perhaps:
On their way home they often practiced their other languages.
Mareng, "Quesque voulez vous avoir comme un cadeaux au votre anniverse?"
"Je ne sais pas, mon ami Mareng. Je pense et pense. Avez vous un idee?"
"Voulez vous un cheval?"
"C'est un bon idee. Mais c'est trop plus d'argent."
"Un petit chien, comme Nicci? Nous pouvez trotter avec deux chiens."
"Ah bon, Mareng. Je veux demander cet cadeaux."
I'm not sure all those French sentences are needed, as the readers most likely won't know French, and will skip them. They interrupt the flow of the story.
A couple of months later, they got [received] their first results for tasks done at college ['for the semester' instead of 'for tasks done at college']. And (remove 'And') [T]o their surprise they (remove 'they') both were still at the top of their class.
Now [Soon] it was time for the autumn break.
Surely you can guess what Mara's present was: a male puppy (not with wings like Mareng's). After dragon birthday cake and lemonade, Mareng and Mara baptized him Artie.
Perhaps:
Can you guess what Mara's present was? Yes, a male puppy. But this one didn't have wings like Mareng's puppy. After they enjoyed a dragon cake and some lemonade, Mareng and Mara baptized him Artie.
The name was chosen as they both loved art classes so much.
Perhaps:
They chose this name because they both loved art classes so much.
Artie would grow into a medium sized dog, but now he was still a puppy.
Perhaps:
Artie was a little ball of fluff, but he would grow into a medium sized dog.
Mara's parents explained it had to be taught a lot. It had to be home trained and learn to walk properly on the lead. To start with, Artie could only take small walks as he still needed a lot of sleep, just like babies.
Perhaps:
Mara's parents explained that Artie would need to be house trained. He would also have to learn to be walked on a lead. They told Mara that Artie could only go for short walks to start with, and he would need a lot of sleep, just like babies.
The rest of their holiday they used for their hobbies, training Artie, walking the two dogs separately (Artie was too small to go with Nicci) and some playing in the woods.
Perhaps:
The remainder of their holidays was used to pursue their hobbies, and to walk their dogs. They couldn't take them together, because Artie was too small to play in the woods with Nicci.
Occasionally they met some other children from their class and also ('as well as' instead of 'and also') from their previous school. One time [Once) they even bumped into Mrs. Dragonlake.
"Are your results at college still equally (removed 'equally') good?"
"Yes[,] Mrs. Dragonlake, they are. And Mara celebrated her birthday recently (the other day. Children rarely use the word 'recently'). She also got a dog as a present;[.] We each have one now [We have one each now], a male and a female."
"Sorry, I have to get on now ('go now', instead of 'get on now')[.] hope to meet you again sometime." (I hope we meet again sometime).
"Bye[,] Mrs. Dragonlake, it was so nice to see you again." Mareng and Mara said simultaneously.
(There seems to be a gap here. Was the play during the holidays? Or was it at college?)
The nativity play had a stall, Mary and Joseph and the crib with a baby (a doll), (perhaps just state 'with a baby-doll) sheep, kings, angels and shepherds. All the children involved had to do loads of practicing. In the big hall of the school and in their houses there were nicely decorated Christmas trees.
The play was on an evening, three days before the Christmas break. Most parents and all the teachers came to watch them. Even some people living near the college. It turned out to be a huge success and they received a standing ovation. They could be proud of their performance.
Perhaps:
The Nativity play would be held three days before the Christmas break. The stage had a manger and a crib with a baby-doll.
All the children spent hours rehearsing in the school hall as well as in their homes. There was Mary and Joseph, some sheep, three kings, shepherds as well as angels.
The rest of the year passed so [remove 'so] quickly. Things seem to go fast when you are happy. They could walk the two dogs together. The dogs played and played, so did Mareng and Mara.
The above paragraph is choppy. Perhaps:
The rest of the year passed quickly for Mareng and Mara. Time passed quickly whenever they walked their dogs together. Whenever Nicci and Artie chased each other in the woods, Mareng and Mara would play as well.
And (remove 'And') At the end of the year all children and dragons passed to the next class. Only some had to do extra study during the summer break as they were slightly under the required standard.
Perhaps:
At the end of the year all the children and dragons were promoted to the next class, although some would have to do some extra studies over the summer break to reach the required standard.
Please PM me if you need any clarification.
Warmest regards and warm Aussie smiles, Marijke :o)
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2011
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Hi Ine
Another delightful chapter in the lives of Mareng and Mara, and their college days. I enjoyed reading this, and have made the following suggestions (below). There were some areas which didn't flow as well as they could. Again, gramatically, due to the translation, needed improvement.
I hope you take this as 'constructive criticism and advice'. This certainly does not detract from the delightful and enjoyable story line.
After a couple of weeks they were used to changing classrooms and slowly, but gradually [surely]) to the new teachers as well (they got used to having different teachers).
So:
After a couple of weeks they were used to changing classrooms and slowly, but surely] they got used to having different teachers.
Not all teachers were equally (remove 'equally', this is superfluous) well liked.
Some could not keep order in the classroom; mind you that could at times give some additional fun.
Perhaps:
Some were unable to keep order, but at times this added to the enjoyment of the lesson.
The lessons that (remove 'that' it is superfluous) both Mareng and Mara enjoyed most were: (remove : it breaks the flow) English, (instead of ', have and) the (remove 'the') other languages, history and art.
(New paragraph) Mareng liked (enjoyed?) science and maths a lot (remove 'a lot'), but Mara found them more difficult. As she still (remove 'still') wanted to become a vet, she had to persevere and improve on these.
Sometimes Mareng and Mara were allowed to do their home work together and then he would help her a bit.
Perhaps:
Sometimes they did their homework together. Then Mareng would help Mara.
On the [their] way home they often gave each other language practice.
Perhaps:
On their way home they often practiced their other languages.
Mareng, "Quesque voulez vous avoir comme un cadeaux au votre anniverse?"
"Je ne sais pas, mon ami Mareng. Je pense et pense. Avez vous un idee?"
"Voulez vous un cheval?"
"C'est un bon idee. Mais c'est trop plus d'argent."
"Un petit chien, comme Nicci? Nous pouvez trotter avec deux chiens."
"Ah bon, Mareng. Je veux demander cet cadeaux."
I'm not sure all those French sentences are needed, as the readers most likely won't know French, and will skip them. They interrupt the flow of the story.
A couple of months later, they got [received] their first results for tasks done at college ['for the semester' instead of 'for tasks done at college']. And (remove 'And') [T]o their surprise they (remove 'they') both were still at the top of their class.
Now [Soon] it was time for the autumn break.
Surely you can guess what Mara's present was: a male puppy (not with wings like Mareng's). After dragon birthday cake and lemonade, Mareng and Mara baptized him Artie.
Perhaps:
Can you guess what Mara's present was? Yes, a male puppy. But this one didn't have wings like Mareng's puppy. After they enjoyed a dragon cake and some lemonade, Mareng and Mara baptized him Artie.
The name was chosen as they both loved art classes so much.
Perhaps:
They chose this name because they both loved art classes so much.
Artie would grow into a medium sized dog, but now he was still a puppy.
Perhaps:
Artie was a little ball of fluff, but he would grow into a medium sized dog.
Mara's parents explained it had to be taught a lot. It had to be home trained and learn to walk properly on the lead. To start with, Artie could only take small walks as he still needed a lot of sleep, just like babies.
Perhaps:
Mara's parents explained that Artie would need to be house trained. He would also have to learn to be walked on a lead. They told Mara that Artie could only go for short walks to start with, and he would need a lot of sleep, just like babies.
The rest of their holiday they used for their hobbies, training Artie, walking the two dogs separately (Artie was too small to go with Nicci) and some playing in the woods.
Perhaps:
The remainder of their holidays was used to pursue their hobbies, and to walk their dogs. They couldn't take them together, because Artie was too small to play in the woods with Nicci.
Occasionally they met some other children from their class and also ('as well as' instead of 'and also') from their previous school. One time [Once) they even bumped into Mrs. Dragonlake.
"Are your results at college still equally (removed 'equally') good?"
"Yes[,] Mrs. Dragonlake, they are. And Mara celebrated her birthday recently (the other day. Children rarely use the word 'recently'). She also got a dog as a present;[.] We each have one now [We have one each now], a male and a female."
"Sorry, I have to get on now ('go now', instead of 'get on now')[.] hope to meet you again sometime." (I hope we meet again sometime).
"Bye[,] Mrs. Dragonlake, it was so nice to see you again." Mareng and Mara said simultaneously.
(There seems to be a gap here. Was the play during the holidays? Or was it at college?)
The nativity play had a stall, Mary and Joseph and the crib with a baby (a doll), (perhaps just state 'with a baby-doll) sheep, kings, angels and shepherds. All the children involved had to do loads of practicing. In the big hall of the school and in their houses there were nicely decorated Christmas trees.
The play was on an evening, three days before the Christmas break. Most parents and all the teachers came to watch them. Even some people living near the college. It turned out to be a huge success and they received a standing ovation. They could be proud of their performance.
Perhaps:
The Nativity play would be held three days before the Christmas break. The stage had a manger and a crib with a baby-doll.
All the children spent hours rehearsing in the school hall as well as in their homes. There was Mary and Joseph, some sheep, three kings, shepherds as well as angels.
The rest of the year passed so [remove 'so] quickly. Things seem to go fast when you are happy. They could walk the two dogs together. The dogs played and played, so did Mareng and Mara.
The above paragraph is choppy. Perhaps:
The rest of the year passed quickly for Mareng and Mara. Time passed quickly whenever they walked their dogs together. Whenever Nicci and Artie chased each other in the woods, Mareng and Mara would play as well.
And (remove 'And') At the end of the year all children and dragons passed to the next class. Only some had to do extra study during the summer break as they were slightly under the required standard.
Perhaps:
At the end of the year all the children and dragons were promoted to the next class, although some would have to do some extra studies over the summer break to reach the required standard.
Please PM me if you need any clarification.
Warmest regards and warm Aussie smiles, Marijke :o)
Comment Written 25-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2011
-
Thanks so much for your kind review. Take care and have a nice day, Ine. Thanks for the tips, will sudy them.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello robina, I love the idea of a puppy with out wings
Yes your story is a delight to read.
I have a question how old are Mareng and Mara
this chapter gives me the impression they are presently in college and noted you refer to them as children?
Gert
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2011
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Hello robina, I love the idea of a puppy with out wings
Yes your story is a delight to read.
I have a question how old are Mareng and Mara
this chapter gives me the impression they are presently in college and noted you refer to them as children?
Gert
Comment Written 25-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2011
-
Thanks so much for your kind review. Take care and have a nice day, Ine. They are 12, so teens and still children-LOL.
Comment from Cumbrianlass
This chapter is so charming, Ine. And I have to say, that picture of the puppy is adorable! I like the little bit of French practice that you put in there and the description of the Nativity. Well done.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2011
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This chapter is so charming, Ine. And I have to say, that picture of the puppy is adorable! I like the little bit of French practice that you put in there and the description of the Nativity. Well done.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2011
-
Thanks so much for your kind review. Take care and have a nice day, Ine
Comment from rchitwood
Very good and I enjoyed keeping up with Mareng and Mara
through their education.I love the little dog you have described and will have to see how these two keep doing in school.Very good dialogue and characters.Blessings Rita
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2011
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Very good and I enjoyed keeping up with Mareng and Mara
through their education.I love the little dog you have described and will have to see how these two keep doing in school.Very good dialogue and characters.Blessings Rita
Comment Written 25-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind review. Take care and have a nice day, Ine
Comment from Janie King
You do fine with English...I love the picture of the puppy. I have two one year old little Maltese male puppies and they look a lot like the picture. I adore them...I have to mentally adjust that college is still elementary school for college means something very different here..but it works okay. Good job. God bless.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2011
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You do fine with English...I love the picture of the puppy. I have two one year old little Maltese male puppies and they look a lot like the picture. I adore them...I have to mentally adjust that college is still elementary school for college means something very different here..but it works okay. Good job. God bless.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind review. Take care and have a nice day, Ine
Comment from Dutchie
Hi Ine. You wrote a very amusing chapter again. I must say the dragon children have a happy childhood. They really enjoy life. But they have their duties too. Life is not only fun, they have their obligations too and that's very important for children to know.
Well done my friend it was a pleasure to read. Liefs Fia
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2011
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Hi Ine. You wrote a very amusing chapter again. I must say the dragon children have a happy childhood. They really enjoy life. But they have their duties too. Life is not only fun, they have their obligations too and that's very important for children to know.
Well done my friend it was a pleasure to read. Liefs Fia
Comment Written 25-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind review. Take care and have a nice day, Ine. I will try and phone you tomorrow.
Comment from rheabug
I love reading about the dragonchildren and their days of study and play. It will be interesting to see how it all turns out. I am still hoping for you to turn this into a children's book. Blessings, Linda
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2011
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I love reading about the dragonchildren and their days of study and play. It will be interesting to see how it all turns out. I am still hoping for you to turn this into a children's book. Blessings, Linda
Comment Written 25-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind review. Take care and have a nice day, Ine
