Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 37 "Part one, Chapter 12"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
84 total reviews
Comment from NaughtieScribe
You are the most hateful writer I've read in a while. How could you turn this trial on Troy like this. Oh now I really get the whole blood thing at the park. But all the other things you've been building up to made me place it at the back of my mind. Oh you just love sticking it to your readers. Heartless. I mean it this is the last one.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2012
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You are the most hateful writer I've read in a while. How could you turn this trial on Troy like this. Oh now I really get the whole blood thing at the park. But all the other things you've been building up to made me place it at the back of my mind. Oh you just love sticking it to your readers. Heartless. I mean it this is the last one.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2012
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Thank you.
Comment from wiljacro
HI!barbara, I became really engrossed in the exchanges in this court scene and think that itkeeps the reader wantin g more and also causes them to take the side of one or the other opposing parties, depending on how their imagination interprets the questions and, more important,the replies. Great stuff, well written. Just one minor blip, where Mr.Brown says "Or is he capable of getting over" Should this be "one over"?
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2011
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HI!barbara, I became really engrossed in the exchanges in this court scene and think that itkeeps the reader wantin g more and also causes them to take the side of one or the other opposing parties, depending on how their imagination interprets the questions and, more important,the replies. Great stuff, well written. Just one minor blip, where Mr.Brown says "Or is he capable of getting over" Should this be "one over"?
Comment Written 27-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2011
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I will recheck that area. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Piggies Grandma
This chapter is cleverly written and very well thought out, Barbara. I wondered when you were going to say what was wrong with Troy. I enjoyed reading it very much.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2011
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This chapter is cleverly written and very well thought out, Barbara. I wondered when you were going to say what was wrong with Troy. I enjoyed reading it very much.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from bob cullen
The only problem I have with this piece is the failure of the defence lawyer. In his position I'd be demanding a conference in the judge's chamber. Perry Mason would be screaming objection to every question.
Apart from that, your dialogue fits the situation superbly. Tension is built with the accusations of the prosecutor.
Your writing always leaves the reader wanting more. That is the aim of every writer
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2011
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The only problem I have with this piece is the failure of the defence lawyer. In his position I'd be demanding a conference in the judge's chamber. Perry Mason would be screaming objection to every question.
Apart from that, your dialogue fits the situation superbly. Tension is built with the accusations of the prosecutor.
Your writing always leaves the reader wanting more. That is the aim of every writer
Comment Written 27-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2011
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Thank you for the kind review. I am going to work on that part a little this week end.
Comment from rwilliam
Good story. I enjoyed the read a lot. Needs a few tweaks but, it's good. :-)
"I object. Your honor, this isn't relevant to the custody case before us." Paul turned toward his opponent.
"I agree. Mr. Brown, please continue." Judge Sawyer eyed the young attorney.~ This part is accurate. IF the Judge agrees that what Mr.Brown is saying isn't relevant then he wouldn't say to him to continue. He'd say, sustained or overruled. Something like that. I'd look into this.
"I wasn't finished." Everett glared at the plaintiff's attorney. "You interrupted before I could finish."~ I don't care for the dialogue here. It sounds amateur or childish. Not like a lawyer would speak.
usually after Paul would object the Judge would interject to overrule or allow the other lawyer to continue.
"Mr. Brown, refrain your client from making any further outburst." ~ This should be 'outburst's', plural.
"No way," Everett's voice bellowed.~ I don't care for your choice of words here. He sound s wimpy. If that's your goal then it works.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2011
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Good story. I enjoyed the read a lot. Needs a few tweaks but, it's good. :-)
"I object. Your honor, this isn't relevant to the custody case before us." Paul turned toward his opponent.
"I agree. Mr. Brown, please continue." Judge Sawyer eyed the young attorney.~ This part is accurate. IF the Judge agrees that what Mr.Brown is saying isn't relevant then he wouldn't say to him to continue. He'd say, sustained or overruled. Something like that. I'd look into this.
"I wasn't finished." Everett glared at the plaintiff's attorney. "You interrupted before I could finish."~ I don't care for the dialogue here. It sounds amateur or childish. Not like a lawyer would speak.
usually after Paul would object the Judge would interject to overrule or allow the other lawyer to continue.
"Mr. Brown, refrain your client from making any further outburst." ~ This should be 'outburst's', plural.
"No way," Everett's voice bellowed.~ I don't care for your choice of words here. He sound s wimpy. If that's your goal then it works.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2011
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I will recheck those areas. I appreciate your kind review.
Comment from Soledadpaz
It seems when a woman is described her physical appearance takes precedence. Not so much with a man. You present the court scenario very vividly. This is how lawyers talk when they are all in a room. Talk about attention seekers!
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2011
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It seems when a woman is described her physical appearance takes precedence. Not so much with a man. You present the court scenario very vividly. This is how lawyers talk when they are all in a room. Talk about attention seekers!
Comment Written 27-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Misrael
Very good and very interesting story and it can and does happen I am afraid. So sad but so true and it makes one grateful that your own children are grown or almost grown. Good job.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2011
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Very good and very interesting story and it can and does happen I am afraid. So sad but so true and it makes one grateful that your own children are grown or almost grown. Good job.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Charmane
This is an excellent write because you have taken the time to educate us about so many deadly and dangerous demons that causes disaster in the lives of so many people. Thank you so much for sharing. I have printed your write and I want to share it with my family.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2011
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This is an excellent write because you have taken the time to educate us about so many deadly and dangerous demons that causes disaster in the lives of so many people. Thank you so much for sharing. I have printed your write and I want to share it with my family.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Cheryl In Minnesota
There are many interesting things going on here. First of all, we're in court, which adds tension right away. Secondly, it's about a custody case which puts everyone's nerves, especially readers who are parents, on edge, because we can empathize and imagine what it would be like if it were us. Another aspect that adds interest is that the woman is beautiful. How she's paying the lawyer's fees also piques one's interest. The flow of action and dialogue seems natural and is very readable.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2011
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There are many interesting things going on here. First of all, we're in court, which adds tension right away. Secondly, it's about a custody case which puts everyone's nerves, especially readers who are parents, on edge, because we can empathize and imagine what it would be like if it were us. Another aspect that adds interest is that the woman is beautiful. How she's paying the lawyer's fees also piques one's interest. The flow of action and dialogue seems natural and is very readable.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Mariea
Good morning Barbara. Another well written chapter that kept me interested all the way. Thoroughly edited and without any clutter. Characters developing smoothly as the story progresses.
Have a great day, hugs Mia
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2011
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Good morning Barbara. Another well written chapter that kept me interested all the way. Thoroughly edited and without any clutter. Characters developing smoothly as the story progresses.
Have a great day, hugs Mia
Comment Written 26-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
