The dragon Mareng
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Their first introduction at college."Mareng growing up and all kinds
17 total reviews
Comment from elgone
This continues to be a delightful story that I feel many children and teens can relate to. It is well designed with plot and uses words that are perfect for the intended age group. Bravo!
I love the guitar pic, BTW. When I was of college age, I was in a rock'n'roll band. I played bass.
E
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2011
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This continues to be a delightful story that I feel many children and teens can relate to. It is well designed with plot and uses words that are perfect for the intended age group. Bravo!
I love the guitar pic, BTW. When I was of college age, I was in a rock'n'roll band. I played bass.
E
Comment Written 24-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2011
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Thanks for your thoughtful and kind review. Take care, Ine.
I played piano mainly and a short lived spell violin.
Comment from fionageorge
Hi, Ine. Another delightful and informative chapter in the lives of Mareng and Mara. I enjoyed the read and have made some suggestions below, for you to consider.
One observation ( have also mentioned it below), you have a habit if putting a : before dialogue, which is not correct. It should always be a comma (,). I hope this makes sense.
When you have made alteration, I am more than happy to review again, and to upgrade your rating, if it is warranted.
Background
Mareng and Mara are dragon children. They have(remove 'have' it is superfluous) just finished primary school and their summer break was nearly over. During the break Mareng was given a small dog for his birthday (now you don't need the same word in the sentence twice. (birthday)).
They were also given the rota (curriculum? Instead of 'rote')for the first couple of weeks (two weeks?). This was also the first opportunity (for them) to meet the other children and dragons. It (This) took just under two hours.
The mentor for their class took them into a classroom. He introduced himself as Mr. French and said to them(remove 'to them' - it is not needed. It is obvious he is speaking to them):
Mareng : [Mareng said,] "Mr. French, I am Mareng.
"No Mr. French, that is all quite clear.(comma not full stop)" said the class in chorus [in unison].
"Then the next thing you have to know:[,] you will have more different (remove 'more different is very poor grammar. Just 'different' is subscriptive enough) subjects than in primary school. They are English, math's, science, three extra languages (French, German and Latin ), history, geography, art and art history, gymnastics and for those that want to do some extra[,] Greek.
Mareng, Mara and a couple of other children [asked,] (never use : before dialogue) "Does this mean we have more time after school to go and play?"
"No, not usually. When you go home you'll have homework to do most days. Any time left over, you can play or do whatever you like. Some days you might have time at college if a teacher is ill and that time you can use to do part of your homework. Off you go now and I will see you this time next week."
(I have restructured the above paragraph a little, to make it flow better. Of course, you don't have to take this suggestion, it is you story).
"No, not usually, most days you'll have homework. Once that is completed, you can play or do whatever you like. Some days you may have some time in class if a teacher is ill. You may use this time to do some of your homework. Now off you go and I'll see you this time next week."
When Mareng and Mara tried to talk through each other, one of the parents explained:[said,] "only one at a time now please. You are older now and have to learn to wait for your turn."
All that they had heard at college, they shared with their parents. They handed the lists over. Mareng's Mum asked: "What do you think, are you going to like it?"
Perhaps:
They shared all they'd been told with their parents, then they handed the lists to them. Mareng's Mum asked, "What do you think? Are you going to like college?"
Mareng [said,][:] "Yes, I think it will be different, but that might be nice as well."
Mara replied along the same lines.
(Mara agreed with Mareng.)
They all agreed upon a day and time to go to the shops together.
(Together they decided on a day and time to go shopping.)
"What extra hobbies would you like to have?" The fathers asked.
(It is difficult to imagine two fathers speaking simultaneously. Perhaps you make one of the fathers ask the girls. Eg. Mareng's father asked.
"What do you mean, Dad?" asked Mareng.
"Each of you can pick a sport to do and something with music."
"Each student is allowed to select a sport and something to do with music," Mara's father explained.
As they always did Mareng and Mara had a little discussion. They decided not to do the same things. They did not need to as there would be enough time left to do things together. Mareng fancied playing the guitar and football. Mara wanted to go horse riding and play the piano.
So (remove So) The parents added these to their list of things they had (remove 'they had' - superfluous, not needed) to do as soon as possible. Then they sent Mareng and Mara off to walk Nicci.
Warmest regards, Marijke :O)
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2011
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Hi, Ine. Another delightful and informative chapter in the lives of Mareng and Mara. I enjoyed the read and have made some suggestions below, for you to consider.
One observation ( have also mentioned it below), you have a habit if putting a : before dialogue, which is not correct. It should always be a comma (,). I hope this makes sense.
When you have made alteration, I am more than happy to review again, and to upgrade your rating, if it is warranted.
Background
Mareng and Mara are dragon children. They have(remove 'have' it is superfluous) just finished primary school and their summer break was nearly over. During the break Mareng was given a small dog for his birthday (now you don't need the same word in the sentence twice. (birthday)).
They were also given the rota (curriculum? Instead of 'rote')for the first couple of weeks (two weeks?). This was also the first opportunity (for them) to meet the other children and dragons. It (This) took just under two hours.
The mentor for their class took them into a classroom. He introduced himself as Mr. French and said to them(remove 'to them' - it is not needed. It is obvious he is speaking to them):
Mareng : [Mareng said,] "Mr. French, I am Mareng.
"No Mr. French, that is all quite clear.(comma not full stop)" said the class in chorus [in unison].
"Then the next thing you have to know:[,] you will have more different (remove 'more different is very poor grammar. Just 'different' is subscriptive enough) subjects than in primary school. They are English, math's, science, three extra languages (French, German and Latin ), history, geography, art and art history, gymnastics and for those that want to do some extra[,] Greek.
Mareng, Mara and a couple of other children [asked,] (never use : before dialogue) "Does this mean we have more time after school to go and play?"
"No, not usually. When you go home you'll have homework to do most days. Any time left over, you can play or do whatever you like. Some days you might have time at college if a teacher is ill and that time you can use to do part of your homework. Off you go now and I will see you this time next week."
(I have restructured the above paragraph a little, to make it flow better. Of course, you don't have to take this suggestion, it is you story).
"No, not usually, most days you'll have homework. Once that is completed, you can play or do whatever you like. Some days you may have some time in class if a teacher is ill. You may use this time to do some of your homework. Now off you go and I'll see you this time next week."
When Mareng and Mara tried to talk through each other, one of the parents explained:[said,] "only one at a time now please. You are older now and have to learn to wait for your turn."
All that they had heard at college, they shared with their parents. They handed the lists over. Mareng's Mum asked: "What do you think, are you going to like it?"
Perhaps:
They shared all they'd been told with their parents, then they handed the lists to them. Mareng's Mum asked, "What do you think? Are you going to like college?"
Mareng [said,][:] "Yes, I think it will be different, but that might be nice as well."
Mara replied along the same lines.
(Mara agreed with Mareng.)
They all agreed upon a day and time to go to the shops together.
(Together they decided on a day and time to go shopping.)
"What extra hobbies would you like to have?" The fathers asked.
(It is difficult to imagine two fathers speaking simultaneously. Perhaps you make one of the fathers ask the girls. Eg. Mareng's father asked.
"What do you mean, Dad?" asked Mareng.
"Each of you can pick a sport to do and something with music."
"Each student is allowed to select a sport and something to do with music," Mara's father explained.
As they always did Mareng and Mara had a little discussion. They decided not to do the same things. They did not need to as there would be enough time left to do things together. Mareng fancied playing the guitar and football. Mara wanted to go horse riding and play the piano.
So (remove So) The parents added these to their list of things they had (remove 'they had' - superfluous, not needed) to do as soon as possible. Then they sent Mareng and Mara off to walk Nicci.
Warmest regards, Marijke :O)
Comment Written 23-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind review,Take care and have a lovely weekend, Ine. Might revise later. Thanks for finding spags.
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Another sweet chapter, Ine. Now they are off to college. Love the idea of choosing extra pastimes. I think you are doing a great job with this story.
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2011
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Another sweet chapter, Ine. Now they are off to college. Love the idea of choosing extra pastimes. I think you are doing a great job with this story.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind review,Take care and have a lovely weekend, Ine.
Comment from adewpearl
Mareng sounds very immature/slow for his age, to not realize that parents, not children, pay for their supplies.
"no, not usually. Capitalize No
You explain how college will go clearly and in good detail. Brooke
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2011
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Mareng sounds very immature/slow for his age, to not realize that parents, not children, pay for their supplies.
"no, not usually. Capitalize No
You explain how college will go clearly and in good detail. Brooke
Comment Written 22-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind review,Take care and have a lovely weekend, Ine. Dragons are a bit slower than normal kids in some ways-LOL. Thanks for correction.
Comment from Cheryl Daphine
A very good first chapter Ina. I am a poor one to judge on most things as many would say I don't speak proper English,and surely don't write without spags.I did however enjoy your story,and look forward to more.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2011
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A very good first chapter Ina. I am a poor one to judge on most things as many would say I don't speak proper English,and surely don't write without spags.I did however enjoy your story,and look forward to more.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind review,Take care and have a lovely weekend, Ine. What do you speak then Daphne?
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hill-billyese
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hill-billyese
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I see , Robert just explained this expression to me earlier today. But please don't hole yourself down. It is dialect that is familiar to you. You have people in Holland as well that are the same.
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Holland has Hill-billies,how lovely,I would feel at home:)
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Sure you would around where we live. Woods though and no mountains. But meant the dialect.
Comment from PoetlikePoe
wow..you have put a lot of time into this. it is very well written. it is easy to read. and it had me interested right fromt the first line. great work.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2011
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wow..you have put a lot of time into this. it is very well written. it is easy to read. and it had me interested right fromt the first line. great work.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind review,Take care and have a lovely weekend, Ine.
Comment from amada
A very good chapter with invigorating dialog. It was very well written, All works quite well. It kept my interest from the beginning. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2011
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A very good chapter with invigorating dialog. It was very well written, All works quite well. It kept my interest from the beginning. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind review,Take care and have a lovely weekend, Ine.
Comment from Jean Lutz
Where did the time go? Seems like only yesterday little Mareng started school and now already he is in college. Same as with my grandchildren.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2011
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Where did the time go? Seems like only yesterday little Mareng started school and now already he is in college. Same as with my grandchildren.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind review,Take care and have a lovely weekend, Ine.
Comment from Dutchie
Hi Ine, I love the idea that dragons are going to school with children. I'm curious what happens next. It's very well written and a pleasure to read. Great job. Liefs Fia
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2011
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Hi Ine, I love the idea that dragons are going to school with children. I'm curious what happens next. It's very well written and a pleasure to read. Great job. Liefs Fia
Comment Written 21-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind review,Take care and have a lovely weekend, Ine.
Comment from Hareem.S
I like this dragon tale Robina. The plot is very good, and the chapter is succint and sweet. It was very lucidly penned down. Enjoyed reading it!
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2011
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I like this dragon tale Robina. The plot is very good, and the chapter is succint and sweet. It was very lucidly penned down. Enjoyed reading it!
Comment Written 21-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind review,Take care and have a lovely weekend, Ine.
