The dragon Mareng
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Mareng went missing"Mareng growing up and all kinds
19 total reviews
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, robina, a great job writing this chapter about mareng getting lost and finding his way back home with a princess' help, i enjoyed reaidng this.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2011
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this is very well written, robina, a great job writing this chapter about mareng getting lost and finding his way back home with a princess' help, i enjoyed reaidng this.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2011
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Thank so much for you review. And have a nice day and take care, Ine.
Comment from Osiek
I have a few issues with the values being taught in this one.
The dragon children and the human children made very good progress at school over the year. The teacher and their parents were very pleased. The parents realized this was due to how well Mrs. Dragonlake had taught them. They talked about this with her this at the parent-teacher meeting. She was ever so [delighted]. (You have already used "pleased" once in paragraph and should not use it again)
The children could now do more complicated writing, reading and arithmetic. They had met so many animals to play with that it would go too far to mention them all. (It is too complicated of a sentence--too wordy) [They played with many new and different kinds of animals. Their number would be too many to count.] At the end of the year geography and some history was added. The children liked this as it gave more variety.
Mareng and Mara were top of their class and also remained close friends. They both socialized with most other children at school, but after school they were inseparable. They did not play every day after school(, comma not needed...would be used if "because" began at the beginning of sentence) because they also had to do homework. Mrs. Dragonlake and their parents had told them it was best to do it separately.[end sentence here] (take out "so") [It was important they fully concentrate [on their own work and not copy each other's ideas].
(In previous paragraph...maybe this works and maybe it doesn't...you chose)
(When you use colons...it makes it sound like it should be a playwright...not a story...get rid of colons and give commas to dialogue tags)
Mrs. Dragonlake told the whole class, as soon as they started getting homework:
"Children, I don't like you to play after school on the days I give you homework."
(When a different person speaks...space between paragraph. Otherwise it looks like the same person is speaking...it helps for speed reading techniques as well....your paragraphs are too confusing for most children under age of 8)
"Oh, why not? We like it so much to play after school. Could we not do our homework together and then play afterwards?"
"I think that won't work out. So I suggest three days of homework each on your own and then you still have four days left to play together. Wouldn't you all like to keep on getting good results?"
"Yes, we like good results. So we will do as you say." most of the children answered in chorus.
As you will understand, things changed for them. They did not like it at first and missed playing. But after a while they got used to it. Most parents also explained why it was better this way.
Towards the end of the school year they were allowed to play longer, as it did not get dark so early anymore. On the days without homework, they became more adventurous. Mareng and Mara strayed further and further and tended to come home later.
One day in June they lost track of each other. They had been flying over the woods and all over town. Mareng flew so high that he lost track of where he was.
"Mara, where are you?"
He heard nothing.
Mara, being closer to the woods and their homes: "Mareng where are you? I think it is time to go home as it will get dark soon."
She also heard nothing. After a while she became scared in the dusk and being all alone. So the only thing she could think of was to go home and tell his parents what had happened.
Mareng was by now completely lost. He was not scared as he was a boy and not easily scared. To try to locate Mara or either of their houses he flew even higher. This got him nowhere however.
Mara rang the doorbell at the house of Mareng's parents.
"I've lost Mareng!" she cried. "I am so sorry. I've looked everywhere (one word...not two) and shouted for him. As it was getting dark(,)(need comma here) I got scared and decided to come and tell you."
"Do you know where you lost each other, Mara?" asked Mareng's mother.
"No, (need comma here) Mum", she said. She called Mareng's mother "Mum" as well. "We were so far away that I don't really know. But I managed to find my way back in the end. I hope you are not angry with me."
"No, (need comma here) Mara, it is not your fault. Just go home, I will phone your Mum and tell her you are on the way. I am just worried about what might have happened to Mareng."
After another hour it was completely dark and there was still no sign of Mareng. His parents were worried sick by now. They decided to phone Mrs. Dragonlake, the police, some of their neighbours and the local hospital. Fortunately he was not in the hospital. And the police knew nothing either. The police asked what he looked like and what he had been wearing. They would put out a full alarm.
They asked Mareng's parents to stay beside the phone so they could be contacted.
The neighbours and Mara's parents made up a search party. Mrs Dragonlake by then had phoned all the other parents to see if Mareng might be with them. But he wasn't.
Mareng had found a lovely looking human girl- a lot older than him. She was nice looking and was flying over a lake. She said she was a princess. Mareng thought he could trust her and explained he was lost.
Princess [said,] "Can you tell me exactly what your house and the woods nearby look like? Then maybe I can help you."
Mareng explained to Princess in great detail the area that she had no problem in making a map.
"Do you trust me enough to sit on your back, so we can look together? We can go much faster if I sit on your back, and you just follow my directions."
"Yes I am sure I can trust you and it will be fun to have you on my back. I also want to get back home as soon as I can. I am getting hungry and it is so dark now."
Mareng followed her instructions to the letter. An hour later they found his house. His parents were very pleased.
"They look a bit funny," he thought.
They let them both in. Mareng told his story as he always did when he came home. Then Mareng's parents told them how worried they had been and who were all looking for him.
They rang everybody to inform them Mareng had arrived home safely. Then they thanked the Princess for her kindness. As they did not want to get her lost as well, they accepted the offer from the police take her back home safely.
After she had left, Mareng was talked to about the seriousness of his actions. (To give no food to a child is considered barbaric...no free time to play or watch TV or no dessert....but to give no food is considered inhuman in some societies) And for one free afternoon, he was not allowed to go and play. Of course they explained why so he would understand. His parents told him this is what being grounded means.
(The idea he did not understand why he is being punished is a mistake. Most kids understand that a punishment comes from something that should not be done...when they are told not to do it and do it any way...they expect a punishment....Where Mareng did something he did not understand was wrong...he should be taught without being given a punishment...the next time it happens....then punishment comes into action....but these are my values and thoughts...and yours may not be the same....so I guess this part would come under conflict to other readers who are parents)
Mareng made a decision not to repeat this again. He did not fully understand, but the punishment made an impression.
(A child has to know why specific terms of why he was being punished and WHY it was wrong...otherwise they cannot learn)
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2011
 |
I have a few issues with the values being taught in this one.
The dragon children and the human children made very good progress at school over the year. The teacher and their parents were very pleased. The parents realized this was due to how well Mrs. Dragonlake had taught them. They talked about this with her this at the parent-teacher meeting. She was ever so [delighted]. (You have already used "pleased" once in paragraph and should not use it again)
The children could now do more complicated writing, reading and arithmetic. They had met so many animals to play with that it would go too far to mention them all. (It is too complicated of a sentence--too wordy) [They played with many new and different kinds of animals. Their number would be too many to count.] At the end of the year geography and some history was added. The children liked this as it gave more variety.
Mareng and Mara were top of their class and also remained close friends. They both socialized with most other children at school, but after school they were inseparable. They did not play every day after school(, comma not needed...would be used if "because" began at the beginning of sentence) because they also had to do homework. Mrs. Dragonlake and their parents had told them it was best to do it separately.[end sentence here] (take out "so") [It was important they fully concentrate [on their own work and not copy each other's ideas].
(In previous paragraph...maybe this works and maybe it doesn't...you chose)
(When you use colons...it makes it sound like it should be a playwright...not a story...get rid of colons and give commas to dialogue tags)
Mrs. Dragonlake told the whole class, as soon as they started getting homework:
"Children, I don't like you to play after school on the days I give you homework."
(When a different person speaks...space between paragraph. Otherwise it looks like the same person is speaking...it helps for speed reading techniques as well....your paragraphs are too confusing for most children under age of 8)
"Oh, why not? We like it so much to play after school. Could we not do our homework together and then play afterwards?"
"I think that won't work out. So I suggest three days of homework each on your own and then you still have four days left to play together. Wouldn't you all like to keep on getting good results?"
"Yes, we like good results. So we will do as you say." most of the children answered in chorus.
As you will understand, things changed for them. They did not like it at first and missed playing. But after a while they got used to it. Most parents also explained why it was better this way.
Towards the end of the school year they were allowed to play longer, as it did not get dark so early anymore. On the days without homework, they became more adventurous. Mareng and Mara strayed further and further and tended to come home later.
One day in June they lost track of each other. They had been flying over the woods and all over town. Mareng flew so high that he lost track of where he was.
"Mara, where are you?"
He heard nothing.
Mara, being closer to the woods and their homes: "Mareng where are you? I think it is time to go home as it will get dark soon."
She also heard nothing. After a while she became scared in the dusk and being all alone. So the only thing she could think of was to go home and tell his parents what had happened.
Mareng was by now completely lost. He was not scared as he was a boy and not easily scared. To try to locate Mara or either of their houses he flew even higher. This got him nowhere however.
Mara rang the doorbell at the house of Mareng's parents.
"I've lost Mareng!" she cried. "I am so sorry. I've looked everywhere (one word...not two) and shouted for him. As it was getting dark(,)(need comma here) I got scared and decided to come and tell you."
"Do you know where you lost each other, Mara?" asked Mareng's mother.
"No, (need comma here) Mum", she said. She called Mareng's mother "Mum" as well. "We were so far away that I don't really know. But I managed to find my way back in the end. I hope you are not angry with me."
"No, (need comma here) Mara, it is not your fault. Just go home, I will phone your Mum and tell her you are on the way. I am just worried about what might have happened to Mareng."
After another hour it was completely dark and there was still no sign of Mareng. His parents were worried sick by now. They decided to phone Mrs. Dragonlake, the police, some of their neighbours and the local hospital. Fortunately he was not in the hospital. And the police knew nothing either. The police asked what he looked like and what he had been wearing. They would put out a full alarm.
They asked Mareng's parents to stay beside the phone so they could be contacted.
The neighbours and Mara's parents made up a search party. Mrs Dragonlake by then had phoned all the other parents to see if Mareng might be with them. But he wasn't.
Mareng had found a lovely looking human girl- a lot older than him. She was nice looking and was flying over a lake. She said she was a princess. Mareng thought he could trust her and explained he was lost.
Princess [said,] "Can you tell me exactly what your house and the woods nearby look like? Then maybe I can help you."
Mareng explained to Princess in great detail the area that she had no problem in making a map.
"Do you trust me enough to sit on your back, so we can look together? We can go much faster if I sit on your back, and you just follow my directions."
"Yes I am sure I can trust you and it will be fun to have you on my back. I also want to get back home as soon as I can. I am getting hungry and it is so dark now."
Mareng followed her instructions to the letter. An hour later they found his house. His parents were very pleased.
"They look a bit funny," he thought.
They let them both in. Mareng told his story as he always did when he came home. Then Mareng's parents told them how worried they had been and who were all looking for him.
They rang everybody to inform them Mareng had arrived home safely. Then they thanked the Princess for her kindness. As they did not want to get her lost as well, they accepted the offer from the police take her back home safely.
After she had left, Mareng was talked to about the seriousness of his actions. (To give no food to a child is considered barbaric...no free time to play or watch TV or no dessert....but to give no food is considered inhuman in some societies) And for one free afternoon, he was not allowed to go and play. Of course they explained why so he would understand. His parents told him this is what being grounded means.
(The idea he did not understand why he is being punished is a mistake. Most kids understand that a punishment comes from something that should not be done...when they are told not to do it and do it any way...they expect a punishment....Where Mareng did something he did not understand was wrong...he should be taught without being given a punishment...the next time it happens....then punishment comes into action....but these are my values and thoughts...and yours may not be the same....so I guess this part would come under conflict to other readers who are parents)
Mareng made a decision not to repeat this again. He did not fully understand, but the punishment made an impression.
(A child has to know why specific terms of why he was being punished and WHY it was wrong...otherwise they cannot learn)
Comment Written 09-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2011
-
Thank so much for you review. And have a nice day and take care, Ine.
Comment from TammyGail
This was just beautiful
I had to go back and read the other chapter again after reading this .. Lol I read them out of order
The imagery was perfect
It was a pleasure to read
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2011
|
This was just beautiful
I had to go back and read the other chapter again after reading this .. Lol I read them out of order
The imagery was perfect
It was a pleasure to read
Comment Written 09-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2011
-
Thank so much for you review. And have a nice Sunday, Ine. Yes had 2 that were still running. Happens to me sometimes as well.
Comment from misscookie
You did it again and you brought back yesterdays to me againIf only parents would do the same with their children things wouldn't be as bad as it is childfren want to be told in a loving and meaningful way what they did and why. I always did that with my children. and believe they are better adults from it. thank byou for sharing.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2011
|
You did it again and you brought back yesterdays to me againIf only parents would do the same with their children things wouldn't be as bad as it is childfren want to be told in a loving and meaningful way what they did and why. I always did that with my children. and believe they are better adults from it. thank byou for sharing.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2011
-
Thank so much for you review. And have a nice Sunday, Ine.
Comment from Joan E.
I am enjoying your tale of human and dragon children and their adventures. I was surprised that the children were so willing to give up their play time for the "good results." -Joan
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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I am enjoying your tale of human and dragon children and their adventures. I was surprised that the children were so willing to give up their play time for the "good results." -Joan
Comment Written 07-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your time and review, Ine. Have a great weekend.
Comment from Jean Lutz
I am happy to see that some parents still discipline. As for Mareng isn't he a little young to be chasing girls? This is a cute story and I am enjoying it.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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I am happy to see that some parents still discipline. As for Mareng isn't he a little young to be chasing girls? This is a cute story and I am enjoying it.
Comment Written 07-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your time and review, Ine. Have a great weekend. They start young nowadays, he was not chasing her but she found him and took him home.
Comment from Dutchie
Hi Ine. Very clever this chapter. I think children love it very much. The things that happen can overcome them too, so they can form easily pictures in their mind. It's written very vividly and kept my attention till the end. I loved it. Liefs Fia
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2011
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Hi Ine. Very clever this chapter. I think children love it very much. The things that happen can overcome them too, so they can form easily pictures in their mind. It's written very vividly and kept my attention till the end. I loved it. Liefs Fia
Comment Written 07-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2011
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Thanks ever so much for your review. Take care, Ine
Comment from rheabug
The art work goes very well with this chapter. I was a nice chapter sending the youngsters on an unplanned adventure. There was one little problem with the line..
"Can you tell me exactly what what your house.. Double whats lol!
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2011
|
The art work goes very well with this chapter. I was a nice chapter sending the youngsters on an unplanned adventure. There was one little problem with the line..
"Can you tell me exactly what what your house.. Double whats lol!
Comment Written 07-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2011
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Thanks ever so much for your review. Take care, Ine.
Thanks for picking out the mistake.
Comment from elgone
You know it is a very good thing that I can keep a couple of dozen plots juggling in my head at one time. All of my friends are writing such compelling things I need to pay attention. This story continues to get better as it evolves. It is a very good sign as it is intended for children with attention spans that last ten seconds if that. But I think it is something kids will enjoy and relate to because the 'kids' as characters are in school.
Structurally, you have some 'new line' things to do between paragraphs but your storytelling is phenomenal regardless. I rate the story not the words and such. English being your second language, you continue to do very well.
E
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2011
 |
You know it is a very good thing that I can keep a couple of dozen plots juggling in my head at one time. All of my friends are writing such compelling things I need to pay attention. This story continues to get better as it evolves. It is a very good sign as it is intended for children with attention spans that last ten seconds if that. But I think it is something kids will enjoy and relate to because the 'kids' as characters are in school.
Structurally, you have some 'new line' things to do between paragraphs but your storytelling is phenomenal regardless. I rate the story not the words and such. English being your second language, you continue to do very well.
E
Comment Written 06-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2011
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Thanks ever so much for your review. Take care, Ine
Comment from Connie P
You have a very interesting storyline here in this children's fiction post. I'm wondering what average grade level you're targeting as words such as socializing and inseparable might be over the heads of some young readers. I bought my sons a set of books when they were children and the stories and object lessons were lost because while the plots were age appropriate the wording was too advanced for them to enjoy.
Note:
*They talked about this with her this*(?) at the parent-teacher meeting.
Connie
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2011
|
You have a very interesting storyline here in this children's fiction post. I'm wondering what average grade level you're targeting as words such as socializing and inseparable might be over the heads of some young readers. I bought my sons a set of books when they were children and the stories and object lessons were lost because while the plots were age appropriate the wording was too advanced for them to enjoy.
Note:
*They talked about this with her this*(?) at the parent-teacher meeting.
Connie
Comment Written 06-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2011
-
Thanks ever so much for your review. Take care, Ine
