Paranormal Adventures
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "At the Precipice"Case Studies of Hauntings
56 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Excellent closing hook! Got me as curious as a cat! â?¼
Good character development in this chapter. Good transitions to different POVS (glad you fixed that one spot with Luke---good edit from the original we looked at offsite:
Mike shifted his gaze to Luke. "Mia's right. Today's experiences are unprecedented, and we need time to process them." He noted the crossed arms and stubborn set of Luke's jaw, and decided to drop the lecture and let Luke cool off on his own.
Super fine pacing and sentence construction.
The dialog sounds true to life.
The similes are SUPER!
Fine descriptive narrative as well--with enough detail to bring scenes to life, though it would be good to go through the book once more to make sure all senses are used through chapters...smell and touch and sight and sound.
It's a great chapter--drew me in and held my attention!
I did notice a few minor further suggestions to note--
* He estimated the temperature at this late hour to be in the single digits(,) which led him to insist that he and Luke would handle the loading and storing of equipment.
* He's up to something(,) and it involves a combination of getting revenge and making some money, in my opinion."
*
She adjusted her seatbelt to allow for easier movement.
seat belt
two words, I think!
*
"Since the physical attacks were directed primarily at Jim(,) I felt it was his decision to make on whether to call in the cops."
*recorded in the library makes this a no brainer.
Suggest using hyphen:
no-brainer
Love this verb choice here:
Loneliness, doubt and dread trisected her stability,
*
Mia forced herself to focus on the candlelight, and(,) like the feather-light touch of an angel's wing, the words of the apostle John came to her: The light shines in the darkness and the darkness can never overcome it.
*
Earlier, the team had secured a front door key from Bernadette, (the) owner of the Tipsy Butler, explaining they might be returning quite late.
* But,(no ,) sometimes, the events confused and disturbed her.
* The previous summer(,) they'd staged an intervention of sorts.
Really enjoy reading you, dear.
Hugs and Love, rd
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Excellent closing hook! Got me as curious as a cat! â?¼
Good character development in this chapter. Good transitions to different POVS (glad you fixed that one spot with Luke---good edit from the original we looked at offsite:
Mike shifted his gaze to Luke. "Mia's right. Today's experiences are unprecedented, and we need time to process them." He noted the crossed arms and stubborn set of Luke's jaw, and decided to drop the lecture and let Luke cool off on his own.
Super fine pacing and sentence construction.
The dialog sounds true to life.
The similes are SUPER!
Fine descriptive narrative as well--with enough detail to bring scenes to life, though it would be good to go through the book once more to make sure all senses are used through chapters...smell and touch and sight and sound.
It's a great chapter--drew me in and held my attention!
I did notice a few minor further suggestions to note--
* He estimated the temperature at this late hour to be in the single digits(,) which led him to insist that he and Luke would handle the loading and storing of equipment.
* He's up to something(,) and it involves a combination of getting revenge and making some money, in my opinion."
*
She adjusted her seatbelt to allow for easier movement.
seat belt
two words, I think!
*
"Since the physical attacks were directed primarily at Jim(,) I felt it was his decision to make on whether to call in the cops."
*recorded in the library makes this a no brainer.
Suggest using hyphen:
no-brainer
Love this verb choice here:
Loneliness, doubt and dread trisected her stability,
*
Mia forced herself to focus on the candlelight, and(,) like the feather-light touch of an angel's wing, the words of the apostle John came to her: The light shines in the darkness and the darkness can never overcome it.
*
Earlier, the team had secured a front door key from Bernadette, (the) owner of the Tipsy Butler, explaining they might be returning quite late.
* But,(no ,) sometimes, the events confused and disturbed her.
* The previous summer(,) they'd staged an intervention of sorts.
Really enjoy reading you, dear.
Hugs and Love, rd
Comment Written 14-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Thanks much for the additional edits, Rama. I really appreciate all you did to help me with this chapter as well as your most supportive review.
:) Bev
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My pleasure, dear. Hugs! rd
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent. I f I had a six star left to give, you would get it. This is so marvelously written I wanted it to continue. It's like a book one can't put down. Your descriptive phrases are great. I will look for more.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Excellent. I f I had a six star left to give, you would get it. This is so marvelously written I wanted it to continue. It's like a book one can't put down. Your descriptive phrases are great. I will look for more.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Hi, prettybluebirds. Thank you very much for your most generous review. I'm so happy you enjoyed the chapter, and appreciate your support for it.
:) Bev
Comment from Joy Graham
I'm still here, reading :) It is now 8:17 am and I think I may take a short break to make a scrambled egg sandwich. I'll be back - as Arnold always says :)
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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I'm still here, reading :) It is now 8:17 am and I think I may take a short break to make a scrambled egg sandwich. I'll be back - as Arnold always says :)
Comment Written 25-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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Hmm... that sounds delicious LOL. Thank YOU! Xxx Bev
Comment from Paradox Tremors
I love the side you showed in this chapter--not everything are peaches and roses in this kind of work; well done on depicting it with your words. The ending was perfectly done to grab the readers attention and make them move on to the next chapter. Another great one I think.
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2011
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I love the side you showed in this chapter--not everything are peaches and roses in this kind of work; well done on depicting it with your words. The ending was perfectly done to grab the readers attention and make them move on to the next chapter. Another great one I think.
Comment Written 18-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2011
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Gosh you've gifted me with another generous review and wonderful, insightful remarks, my friend. Thank you so very much, it means a lot to me since you've been there from the opening chapters and, truly, have kept me going with this project. Can't thank you enough! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from closetpoetjester
Ooh goodness, nice ending to the chapter Bev and I love your amazing eye for detail and the verbiage you use to describe the story for your readers.
This chapter seemed to be more intense in conversation than action up til the end obviously. My only critique was the awkwardness of the "pretzel-twisted" phrase in this bit:
"Luke pretzel-twisted his spine to glare at Emma ..."
I would suggest just saying it like it is:
"Luke twisted his spine like a pretzel to glare at Emma..."
or maybe
"Luke twisted his spine, pretzel-like, to glare at Emma ..."
Just my honest thoughts sweety.
Its probably too far back but I'll always give you the bones of it. LOL Good informative notes too.
Cheers Phillippa
xoxo
Happy Holidays my friend..
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2011
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Ooh goodness, nice ending to the chapter Bev and I love your amazing eye for detail and the verbiage you use to describe the story for your readers.
This chapter seemed to be more intense in conversation than action up til the end obviously. My only critique was the awkwardness of the "pretzel-twisted" phrase in this bit:
"Luke pretzel-twisted his spine to glare at Emma ..."
I would suggest just saying it like it is:
"Luke twisted his spine like a pretzel to glare at Emma..."
or maybe
"Luke twisted his spine, pretzel-like, to glare at Emma ..."
Just my honest thoughts sweety.
Its probably too far back but I'll always give you the bones of it. LOL Good informative notes too.
Cheers Phillippa
xoxo
Happy Holidays my friend..
Comment Written 17-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2011
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Hello, buddy. Thank you for this awesome and detailed review. I really do appreciate you taking your precious spare time to write such a technically helpful and supportive review. I will definitely take another look at that line to see if it can be made more smooth - it's never a waste of time to go back and change for me as I may do something further with this online book when I complete it. Thanks so much for your sincere interest in my chapter, p. Love ya! Bev
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Hey sweety, trying to catch up over weekend with you and another couple of authors...hopefully I am up to speed with a few more chapters tomorrow.
Lubsyabuddy
Closet xoxo
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You rock, buddy! Xxx Bevski
Comment from alexisleech
What a great chapter! I look forward to reading previous ones and those to follow. I suppose it was only natural that something scary would happen at the end of the chapter but your lead up to that point was excellent, even calming, until moments before it happened. Very enjoyable!
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2011
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What a great chapter! I look forward to reading previous ones and those to follow. I suppose it was only natural that something scary would happen at the end of the chapter but your lead up to that point was excellent, even calming, until moments before it happened. Very enjoyable!
Comment Written 17-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2011
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Thank you so much for your great review, alexisleech. It really helps knowing what worked for you in the chapter - always good to get that kind of feedback! Your generosity is really appreciated! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from joel_cheek
Nice work! It kept me engaged and flowed nicely. I haven't read the previous chapters, so it's hard to know the characters, but they feel strong. I think you succeeded in your goal to bring out the realities of working in the paranormal field. Nice emotion there. A little of the dialogue may have felt a tiny bit forced, but that could be because I don't know the characters. Or it could just be me - I seem hypersensitive to that sort of thing. Overall, great work! And I love the concept/genre!
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2011
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Nice work! It kept me engaged and flowed nicely. I haven't read the previous chapters, so it's hard to know the characters, but they feel strong. I think you succeeded in your goal to bring out the realities of working in the paranormal field. Nice emotion there. A little of the dialogue may have felt a tiny bit forced, but that could be because I don't know the characters. Or it could just be me - I seem hypersensitive to that sort of thing. Overall, great work! And I love the concept/genre!
Comment Written 15-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2011
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Hi, joel. Thank you so much for your great review! I really appreciate your checking out my chapter and your insights. It's always helpful to hear what does and doesn't work. I would think the area that is most challening for me as a new writer is to keep the dialogue fresh and sounding real. I'll keep your comment in mind as I go forward. Kind regards, Bev
Comment from MadameSparkle
This was very different and interesting. Written in a colloquial way, which would lend itself to a script, I can visualize your work as a radio play. Over here in England we have so many radio plays and a good script creates a lot of atmosphere when you don't have the picture in front of you like you would on a T.V.
So, a lively piece which moves along at a fast pace with lots of information put before us in an interesting way. I hope I'm judging this right because I've hopped in at this chapter and haven't read the previous ones.
Dialogue sharply written, characters well drawn and a good pace throughout. Well done.
Sparkles
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2011
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This was very different and interesting. Written in a colloquial way, which would lend itself to a script, I can visualize your work as a radio play. Over here in England we have so many radio plays and a good script creates a lot of atmosphere when you don't have the picture in front of you like you would on a T.V.
So, a lively piece which moves along at a fast pace with lots of information put before us in an interesting way. I hope I'm judging this right because I've hopped in at this chapter and haven't read the previous ones.
Dialogue sharply written, characters well drawn and a good pace throughout. Well done.
Sparkles
Comment Written 14-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2011
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Thank you so much for your great review, MadameSparkle. I really appreciate your unique perspective and the insights you have offered me here. Also, it's always great to learn how things are done in different countries. I've been looking for a way to get into scriptwriting, so your suggestions are especially welcome! Warmest Regards, Bev
Comment from TammyGail
This was such a amazing chapter
Very well written you really put some work into this and it shows
I loved the note as well
Thanks for sharing it was a pleasure to read
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2011
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This was such a amazing chapter
Very well written you really put some work into this and it shows
I loved the note as well
Thanks for sharing it was a pleasure to read
Comment Written 10-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2011
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Thank you so very much TammyGail. You've really touched my heart with your generous review and kind support. Blessings, Bev
Comment from Cheryl Daphine
Good chapter,you have left us hanging,not knowing what or who came into the room. The story clips along at a good pace,continuing to be enjoyable. I sure wouldn't care to deal with any thing supernatural if I were agnostic. I would definitely want God with me. Well written.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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Good chapter,you have left us hanging,not knowing what or who came into the room. The story clips along at a good pace,continuing to be enjoyable. I sure wouldn't care to deal with any thing supernatural if I were agnostic. I would definitely want God with me. Well written.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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Thank you so much, DD. I appreciate your honest and supprotive insights. I believe as you do...those who go into this field out of curiosity or to prove a point usually end up badly. Warmest regards, Bev
