The dragon Mareng
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Mareng's first days at school"Mareng growing up and all kinds
22 total reviews
Comment from Jean Lutz
Although you are writing to children, I find this innocent and relaxing. It should take away anxiety for children as they read about the nice little dragons.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2011
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Although you are writing to children, I find this innocent and relaxing. It should take away anxiety for children as they read about the nice little dragons.
Comment Written 30-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind review. Blessing and have a nice weekend, Ine
Comment from sunilmathur
The story is quite interesting and should delight young children. The style is crisp and fast moving so that the reader never feels bored. However, in the sentence: "It is similar to what you already learnt from your parents, bur slightly different", the word 'bur' needs to be replaced with 'but'.
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2011
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The story is quite interesting and should delight young children. The style is crisp and fast moving so that the reader never feels bored. However, in the sentence: "It is similar to what you already learnt from your parents, bur slightly different", the word 'bur' needs to be replaced with 'but'.
Comment Written 30-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind review. Blessing and have a nice weekend, Ine. Thanks for the correction.
Comment from elgone
First of all I have read some of the other chapters at this point but not all. I will say you have a very strong imagination and it is the sort to which children can easily relate. Your use of language is better suited for children perhaps because English is a secondary language for you. I'm immensely impressed with how well you write even to the point that if I didn't know I might think you were British. You must have had very good instructors but also you have a knack for picking up languages, I'll bet.
I also have something of a knack. I speak Chinese. I lived and worked in Asia for a time. But I would never venture to write a story in Chinese.
At times you miss changing tenses. Tense agreement is one of the reasons i prefer thinking in Chinese to English. There is no verb conjugation in Chinese. Tense is expressed in understanding the aspect and relationship of the speakers to one another and the places of marker characters to show past, present, future, etc.
An example of a missed tense is in the last paragraph. 'The first human kid stroke(d) the cat.' Again those are easy to fix. Be careful when you edit and proof read. But also know despite your best efforts you will skip over mistakes as if they are invisible just because you are the one who wrote a piece. Some people suggest reading a piece backwards. It works because it forces you to look at each word out of context and the flow of a sentence. But even this method does not find all the mistakes.
Notes: Watch the use of 'had' especially when starting out a story. I'm guilty of it too. It forces you to tell a story in a passive voice. I think if you eliminate had in the first sentence it still does what you want the sentence to do.
There are some spacing issues between paragraphs that you can fix easily.
It is usually better to begin a story or a chapter with a two or three sentence paragraph that contains a hook that relates to the remainder of the story. You can accomplish that here. Made a a new paragraph with the sentence beginning 'When he looked around' Beginning a paragraph with a time related word or the focus on a characters perception is good. You have that going for you here.
They were also boys and girls and had different colours. (I'm Amerrican. We know the British English you have been taught contains worlds with an additional 'u' and we understand it. The Canadians actually try to pronounce it, LOL. Suggestion on this sentence: see if this works better. The boys and girls were of different colours as well.)
His parents (had) explained to him what they were. Break for new paragraph here.
...can I take a note of your name please? My name is Mrs. Dragonlake. - This is kind of formal and a little awkward. Try: 'My name is Mrs. Dragonlake, what it yours?' Then mention that as each dragon child, boy and girl passed in procession the teacher learned everyone's name in the exchange of hello's
The paragraph breaks after this one paragraph seem to work, if they are corrected with carriage returns to make a space between them. You also shift into your usual story telling and the somewhat passive voice of 'establishing the setting' goes away. The story settles into a good and readable flow and advances nicely.
So I think if you fix the first paragraph and the spacing problems you have a very solid chapter for your book.
When I rate a piece it is based on the quality of the story not the quantity or absence of grammatical mistakes. Grammar, typos and spelling can be fixed. Anyone who has the keen eye of an editor can do that. The reason editors exists is that writers often are the worst editors, especially with his or her own work.
Conjuring an idea or impression from nothing and expressing it as a story onto a page is the most important process of writing. That is what I evaluate and rate. This is a very good story that I am sure will become polished and published in time. It deserves a 5.
The grammarians and such that also read your work will pick it apart but they will tell you how to fix things. Regardless what they rate a piece, look at what they are telling you and lean from it so you won't make those mistakes int he future. Some of the most valuable reviews I have received come from nit pickers. I've had some 2, 3 and 4 ratings that honestly, if I focused on the grammar and such it is difficult to argue. If you accept the advice as the reason you are here, the ratings of any one piece or any one reviewer does not matter as much as the opinion and advice.
Thank you for continuing to share your creativity. I'm enamored with this story.
E
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2011
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First of all I have read some of the other chapters at this point but not all. I will say you have a very strong imagination and it is the sort to which children can easily relate. Your use of language is better suited for children perhaps because English is a secondary language for you. I'm immensely impressed with how well you write even to the point that if I didn't know I might think you were British. You must have had very good instructors but also you have a knack for picking up languages, I'll bet.
I also have something of a knack. I speak Chinese. I lived and worked in Asia for a time. But I would never venture to write a story in Chinese.
At times you miss changing tenses. Tense agreement is one of the reasons i prefer thinking in Chinese to English. There is no verb conjugation in Chinese. Tense is expressed in understanding the aspect and relationship of the speakers to one another and the places of marker characters to show past, present, future, etc.
An example of a missed tense is in the last paragraph. 'The first human kid stroke(d) the cat.' Again those are easy to fix. Be careful when you edit and proof read. But also know despite your best efforts you will skip over mistakes as if they are invisible just because you are the one who wrote a piece. Some people suggest reading a piece backwards. It works because it forces you to look at each word out of context and the flow of a sentence. But even this method does not find all the mistakes.
Notes: Watch the use of 'had' especially when starting out a story. I'm guilty of it too. It forces you to tell a story in a passive voice. I think if you eliminate had in the first sentence it still does what you want the sentence to do.
There are some spacing issues between paragraphs that you can fix easily.
It is usually better to begin a story or a chapter with a two or three sentence paragraph that contains a hook that relates to the remainder of the story. You can accomplish that here. Made a a new paragraph with the sentence beginning 'When he looked around' Beginning a paragraph with a time related word or the focus on a characters perception is good. You have that going for you here.
They were also boys and girls and had different colours. (I'm Amerrican. We know the British English you have been taught contains worlds with an additional 'u' and we understand it. The Canadians actually try to pronounce it, LOL. Suggestion on this sentence: see if this works better. The boys and girls were of different colours as well.)
His parents (had) explained to him what they were. Break for new paragraph here.
...can I take a note of your name please? My name is Mrs. Dragonlake. - This is kind of formal and a little awkward. Try: 'My name is Mrs. Dragonlake, what it yours?' Then mention that as each dragon child, boy and girl passed in procession the teacher learned everyone's name in the exchange of hello's
The paragraph breaks after this one paragraph seem to work, if they are corrected with carriage returns to make a space between them. You also shift into your usual story telling and the somewhat passive voice of 'establishing the setting' goes away. The story settles into a good and readable flow and advances nicely.
So I think if you fix the first paragraph and the spacing problems you have a very solid chapter for your book.
When I rate a piece it is based on the quality of the story not the quantity or absence of grammatical mistakes. Grammar, typos and spelling can be fixed. Anyone who has the keen eye of an editor can do that. The reason editors exists is that writers often are the worst editors, especially with his or her own work.
Conjuring an idea or impression from nothing and expressing it as a story onto a page is the most important process of writing. That is what I evaluate and rate. This is a very good story that I am sure will become polished and published in time. It deserves a 5.
The grammarians and such that also read your work will pick it apart but they will tell you how to fix things. Regardless what they rate a piece, look at what they are telling you and lean from it so you won't make those mistakes int he future. Some of the most valuable reviews I have received come from nit pickers. I've had some 2, 3 and 4 ratings that honestly, if I focused on the grammar and such it is difficult to argue. If you accept the advice as the reason you are here, the ratings of any one piece or any one reviewer does not matter as much as the opinion and advice.
Thank you for continuing to share your creativity. I'm enamored with this story.
E
Comment Written 30-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2011
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Thanks for your kind review. Take care and warm regards, Ine. Will take your tips in consideration. And yes hubby and several site friends have helped me already. Thanks for the elaborate write.
Comment from Art Aliz
Hi robina,
Thanks for posting your extract from "The Dragon Mareng."
I think that you have chosen the world of first days at school because your reader audience is younger children? Perhaps aged four to seven. It is worth taking a look in the book shops at the types of book and language levels for younger readers before you decide on a chapter book for example. The latter, is usually for older children. If you want to attract children who are 7+ then your story and main character needs to be adventurous and exciting.
I feel that something vital that you need to address right now, is the lack of dragon appeal in your story so far. If you had not informed the reader, that the main character is a young dragon, or if the teacher was not a dragon instructor, or if there were no dragon 'children' in class, then it is more or less a very normal story without any mythical element. Is this what you really want to convey?
It might help if you describe the main character instead of telling the reader that he is a dragon. Is there anything about the school or the environment that shows this takes place in a dragon's world? Is dialogue the same as for humans?
Try drawing a picture or else writing down everything in this scene. The more you know about your character and place, the more believable your writing will be.
Grammar etc is good.
Keep going with it and do some research to enrich your imagination. All the best with it and looking forward to reading more.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2011
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Hi robina,
Thanks for posting your extract from "The Dragon Mareng."
I think that you have chosen the world of first days at school because your reader audience is younger children? Perhaps aged four to seven. It is worth taking a look in the book shops at the types of book and language levels for younger readers before you decide on a chapter book for example. The latter, is usually for older children. If you want to attract children who are 7+ then your story and main character needs to be adventurous and exciting.
I feel that something vital that you need to address right now, is the lack of dragon appeal in your story so far. If you had not informed the reader, that the main character is a young dragon, or if the teacher was not a dragon instructor, or if there were no dragon 'children' in class, then it is more or less a very normal story without any mythical element. Is this what you really want to convey?
It might help if you describe the main character instead of telling the reader that he is a dragon. Is there anything about the school or the environment that shows this takes place in a dragon's world? Is dialogue the same as for humans?
Try drawing a picture or else writing down everything in this scene. The more you know about your character and place, the more believable your writing will be.
Grammar etc is good.
Keep going with it and do some research to enrich your imagination. All the best with it and looking forward to reading more.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2011
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Thanks
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Keep going with it!
All the best.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, robina, a great job writing this chapter about the little dragon that went to school and he learned how to play with other dragons, children and animals without hurting them.
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2011
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this is very well written, robina, a great job writing this chapter about the little dragon that went to school and he learned how to play with other dragons, children and animals without hurting them.
Comment Written 30-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2011
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Thanks very much for your kind review. Blessings and take care, Ine
Comment from ScarletClearwater
Hi there,
I think the overall story is cute and different, with children playing with dragons. That would be fun for any kid. The first paragraph had areas of repetition and should have been divided in areas. Also, the end began reading like a script. I would try to go back to traditional dialogue. Great start to a children's book.I wonder if the little guy will grow up in this book.
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2011
|
Hi there,
I think the overall story is cute and different, with children playing with dragons. That would be fun for any kid. The first paragraph had areas of repetition and should have been divided in areas. Also, the end began reading like a script. I would try to go back to traditional dialogue. Great start to a children's book.I wonder if the little guy will grow up in this book.
Comment Written 30-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2011
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Thanks very much for your kind review. Blessings and take care, Ine
Comment from GEETBHIM
I am very curious to know what will happen in next chapter.
Good story for young one,I enjoy reading this.
Nice imagination you have.
I like the concept dragon children and human children studying together.
Keep writing.
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2011
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I am very curious to know what will happen in next chapter.
Good story for young one,I enjoy reading this.
Nice imagination you have.
I like the concept dragon children and human children studying together.
Keep writing.
Comment Written 30-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2011
-
Thanks very much for your kind review. Blessings and take care, Ine
Comment from fionageorge
Hi, Ine. What a cute children's story. You certainly have a wonderful imagination with children's stories. I enjoyed the innocence of this story and the story line.
Having said that, it does need some work. Gramatically, it needs to improve, and so does your punctuation.
I have made some suggestions for the first part of the story, to give you an idea. I don't want to rewrite your whole story, as that will take too long, and besides, these are only suggestions, for you to consider.
But overall, Ine, a wonderful children's tale.
So did [had not 'did'] all the other mothers and some fathers.
A Dragon Teacher was supervising the playground. [Show not tell, so, 'A Dragon Teacher supervised the playground.]
Mareng thought she looked a bit like Mum, similar in colour and age. When he looked around he saw all different coloured small dragons (boys and girls) and some human children as well. They were also boys and girls and had different colours. Mareng had seen some human children before, when he was playing in the woods.
The above paragraph sounds a little confusing. Can I suggest:
Mareng thought she looked a bit like his Mum; similar in colour and age. When he looked around he saw many small boy and girl dragons of different colours. He also saw some human boys and girls. He had seen human children before, when he played in the woods.
The teacher said: (should be , not : )"Welcome, my dear;(, not ;) can you tell me your name please? (instead of 'can I take note of your name please')
There were twelve [students - as you just talked about class rooms, you need to be clear there are 12 students, not class rooms] in total. The classroom was bright with huge windows and had[there were] four rows of small desks.
The desks [Each desk] had [a] pen holder(s) and an inkwell (remove 'in them').
She said: (,) "Go ahead and pick which table [desk] you like. I prefer boys to sit with boys, and girls with girls-[,] that is all. After they all (remove 'all' it is superfluous, does not add anything to the sentence) sat down, she told them what she was going to (what she would, instead of 'what she was going to') expect from them.
Mrs. Dragonlake explained that they were at all times to stay at their tables [desks]. [They had] [t]To be quiet during the lesson, unless a question was asked;[,] then one at a time they could try to answer.
Also twice a day there would be a short break to play at the playground and an hour lunch break, either spent at school at home if you lived nearby.
(The above is poor structure, grammatically. Also, to make it more interesting, it could be made into dialogue).
Suggestion:
Mrs Dragonlake explained they were to stay at their desks at all times. "You have to be quiet during lessons, unless I ask a question. Then you can try to answer me one at a time. Every day you will have two short breaks to play in the playground, and you will have a one hour lunch break. For those who live close enough, they will go home. The others will stay at school.
Your lessons include arithmetic, writing and learning to play with other children and certain animals. As this is your first day, we will start a lesson about playing."
Most children [said]: (,) "No, Mrs. Dragonlake. Could you please tell us about it?"
Mrs. Dragonlake [said]: (,)"One of you will be picked [selected] by me. I will put a blindfold on him or her, so he or she can't see. The others will all [remove 'all'] hide at different places, not too far away, but [you cannot be too] difficult to find. Then I [will] remove the blindfold and this child may [will] try to find all [remove 'all'] the others as fast as he or she can.
I hope this all makes sense.
Send me a PM if you need clarification.
Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2011
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Hi, Ine. What a cute children's story. You certainly have a wonderful imagination with children's stories. I enjoyed the innocence of this story and the story line.
Having said that, it does need some work. Gramatically, it needs to improve, and so does your punctuation.
I have made some suggestions for the first part of the story, to give you an idea. I don't want to rewrite your whole story, as that will take too long, and besides, these are only suggestions, for you to consider.
But overall, Ine, a wonderful children's tale.
So did [had not 'did'] all the other mothers and some fathers.
A Dragon Teacher was supervising the playground. [Show not tell, so, 'A Dragon Teacher supervised the playground.]
Mareng thought she looked a bit like Mum, similar in colour and age. When he looked around he saw all different coloured small dragons (boys and girls) and some human children as well. They were also boys and girls and had different colours. Mareng had seen some human children before, when he was playing in the woods.
The above paragraph sounds a little confusing. Can I suggest:
Mareng thought she looked a bit like his Mum; similar in colour and age. When he looked around he saw many small boy and girl dragons of different colours. He also saw some human boys and girls. He had seen human children before, when he played in the woods.
The teacher said: (should be , not : )"Welcome, my dear;(, not ;) can you tell me your name please? (instead of 'can I take note of your name please')
There were twelve [students - as you just talked about class rooms, you need to be clear there are 12 students, not class rooms] in total. The classroom was bright with huge windows and had[there were] four rows of small desks.
The desks [Each desk] had [a] pen holder(s) and an inkwell (remove 'in them').
She said: (,) "Go ahead and pick which table [desk] you like. I prefer boys to sit with boys, and girls with girls-[,] that is all. After they all (remove 'all' it is superfluous, does not add anything to the sentence) sat down, she told them what she was going to (what she would, instead of 'what she was going to') expect from them.
Mrs. Dragonlake explained that they were at all times to stay at their tables [desks]. [They had] [t]To be quiet during the lesson, unless a question was asked;[,] then one at a time they could try to answer.
Also twice a day there would be a short break to play at the playground and an hour lunch break, either spent at school at home if you lived nearby.
(The above is poor structure, grammatically. Also, to make it more interesting, it could be made into dialogue).
Suggestion:
Mrs Dragonlake explained they were to stay at their desks at all times. "You have to be quiet during lessons, unless I ask a question. Then you can try to answer me one at a time. Every day you will have two short breaks to play in the playground, and you will have a one hour lunch break. For those who live close enough, they will go home. The others will stay at school.
Your lessons include arithmetic, writing and learning to play with other children and certain animals. As this is your first day, we will start a lesson about playing."
Most children [said]: (,) "No, Mrs. Dragonlake. Could you please tell us about it?"
Mrs. Dragonlake [said]: (,)"One of you will be picked [selected] by me. I will put a blindfold on him or her, so he or she can't see. The others will all [remove 'all'] hide at different places, not too far away, but [you cannot be too] difficult to find. Then I [will] remove the blindfold and this child may [will] try to find all [remove 'all'] the others as fast as he or she can.
I hope this all makes sense.
Send me a PM if you need clarification.
Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment Written 30-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2011
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Thanks for your review Marijke. Much appreciated. Will look into your suggestions asap as I am up to my eyes in reviews. Can see some make loads of sense. Thanks for all your effort. Liefs, Ine
Comment from Joyce Crowe
A good start on a book that could become very interesting. What age of audience are you writing for? You might want to spice it up with a little more adventure and excitement. A couple of your paragraphs are a little lengthy and you might consider breaking them up a little more, especially if you are writing for a young audience.
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2011
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A good start on a book that could become very interesting. What age of audience are you writing for? You might want to spice it up with a little more adventure and excitement. A couple of your paragraphs are a little lengthy and you might consider breaking them up a little more, especially if you are writing for a young audience.
Comment Written 30-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2011
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Thanks for your kind review. Have had this tip about the paragraphs before, will see to that later. As they are short chapter the next fun is in the next chapter- otherwise too lengthy for reviewing. Take care and thanks again, Ine
Comment from Joan E.
I liked your picture choice for this imaginative story. (I think "times" lost its "s" in the first sentence of paragraph three.) What a clever idea to have the dragon children be able to moderate their "flame" so they could enjoy the company of the cat! -Joan
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2011
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I liked your picture choice for this imaginative story. (I think "times" lost its "s" in the first sentence of paragraph three.) What a clever idea to have the dragon children be able to moderate their "flame" so they could enjoy the company of the cat! -Joan
Comment Written 30-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2011
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Thanks very much for your kind review. Blessings and take care, Ine
