OUT OF DARKNESS
Personal Acceptance of Personal Actions28 total reviews
Comment from Hareem.S
A very lovely story with good moral underpinnings. It keeps the reader well interested till the end, and gets sad too. Very lucidly written. An enojoyable read.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2011
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A very lovely story with good moral underpinnings. It keeps the reader well interested till the end, and gets sad too. Very lucidly written. An enojoyable read.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2011
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Thank you for your review and rating.
Comment from Beejay
I thought your story was very interesting, in fact I read it through again and the second time, I still found it very interesting , yet, I found a lot of sadness in it aswell. I'm so pleased I chose to read it.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2011
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I thought your story was very interesting, in fact I read it through again and the second time, I still found it very interesting , yet, I found a lot of sadness in it aswell. I'm so pleased I chose to read it.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2011
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Thank you for your review and rating.
Comment from adewpearl
You set the stage well in your opening paragraphs as you also introduce your main characters effectively.
Excellent description of setting.
I like the simile of the snow-covered cemetery.
an in-effective assistance - ineffective
There are parts of this story that start to sound a little too much like sermonizing - I don't mind at all if a story makes a moral point, but I'd just like to see it come out more in the story, which starts out so strong. Brooke
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2011
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You set the stage well in your opening paragraphs as you also introduce your main characters effectively.
Excellent description of setting.
I like the simile of the snow-covered cemetery.
an in-effective assistance - ineffective
There are parts of this story that start to sound a little too much like sermonizing - I don't mind at all if a story makes a moral point, but I'd just like to see it come out more in the story, which starts out so strong. Brooke
Comment Written 26-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2011
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Thank you for your review and rating.
I have re-read the story several times, and each time I have noticed a need for revision.
I agree with your observations.
I am going to make some changes.
Comment from Carolyn 12
Wonderful story and awesome moral code. I enjoyed reding this hoping Anthony would accept his own blame so he could move forward. Thank you for this story.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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Wonderful story and awesome moral code. I enjoyed reding this hoping Anthony would accept his own blame so he could move forward. Thank you for this story.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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Thank you for your review and rating.
Comment from justjo66
The premise of your story is very good and I liked the
outcome. However, it still needs some work. The following are some suggestions. Please take them as I have intended, in the spirit of trying to help one writer to another. Blessings
In the beginning of your story my question was: "Who is Anthony? And who is the I?" I think you waited a little too long to let us know. Your sentences did not flow very smooth at first. I kept having to go back and re-read. I couldn't figure out where you were. Once, I had read your entire story and went back and read again...then it made more sense. But, you don't want your reader to have to do that. My suggestion, let us have more information sooner.
"Anthony," I said, "accept it-- the defense motions have no merit: you and your co-defendants are like the Sailors, in mythology, who were compelled by the Sirens' enchanting music and voices to shipwreck on the rocky Coast. If you go to trial, any 'life raft'--plea offer for a reduced sentence"will be outside your reach, and you will legally drown."
*The above paragraph not very real to me. Would you really go into all the Sailor and Sirens story? Maybe leave the "If you go to trial, any 'life raft' plea offer for a reduced sentence (")?will be outside your reach."
Anthony and his three friends had planned to "hit some licks on some Chicks"--rob some Mexicans. A subjective cultural snobbery, which instinctively designates certain cultures to be the financial flowers, for every robber bee that wants to fly in and consume the limited supply of dinero nectar that is currently on the financial flowers. Every "scent" of each flower is taken.
* I think maybe you could have stopped your sentence at : limited supply of dinero nectar. (period) Repeating financial flower sounds too forced.
Inside a room off the courtroom, the size of a small public bathroom stall, we talked to Anthony over a telephone, while looking through the ever-present reinforced plate-glass window.
*Who is the we in this paragraph? Is it the grandfather? Might want to introduce him a little earlier.
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reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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The premise of your story is very good and I liked the
outcome. However, it still needs some work. The following are some suggestions. Please take them as I have intended, in the spirit of trying to help one writer to another. Blessings
In the beginning of your story my question was: "Who is Anthony? And who is the I?" I think you waited a little too long to let us know. Your sentences did not flow very smooth at first. I kept having to go back and re-read. I couldn't figure out where you were. Once, I had read your entire story and went back and read again...then it made more sense. But, you don't want your reader to have to do that. My suggestion, let us have more information sooner.
"Anthony," I said, "accept it-- the defense motions have no merit: you and your co-defendants are like the Sailors, in mythology, who were compelled by the Sirens' enchanting music and voices to shipwreck on the rocky Coast. If you go to trial, any 'life raft'--plea offer for a reduced sentence"will be outside your reach, and you will legally drown."
*The above paragraph not very real to me. Would you really go into all the Sailor and Sirens story? Maybe leave the "If you go to trial, any 'life raft' plea offer for a reduced sentence (")?will be outside your reach."
Anthony and his three friends had planned to "hit some licks on some Chicks"--rob some Mexicans. A subjective cultural snobbery, which instinctively designates certain cultures to be the financial flowers, for every robber bee that wants to fly in and consume the limited supply of dinero nectar that is currently on the financial flowers. Every "scent" of each flower is taken.
* I think maybe you could have stopped your sentence at : limited supply of dinero nectar. (period) Repeating financial flower sounds too forced.
Inside a room off the courtroom, the size of a small public bathroom stall, we talked to Anthony over a telephone, while looking through the ever-present reinforced plate-glass window.
*Who is the we in this paragraph? Is it the grandfather? Might want to introduce him a little earlier.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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Thank you.
Comment from cercie
I found this story both interesting and sad. It is hard to know when to do the right thing sometimes. I am setting it aside to read again at another time. Thank you for sharing
Chris/cercie
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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I found this story both interesting and sad. It is hard to know when to do the right thing sometimes. I am setting it aside to read again at another time. Thank you for sharing
Chris/cercie
Comment Written 21-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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Thank you for your review and rating.
Comment from TammyGail
This was a great story well written you kept my eye for sure .. I loved your note at the end of this as well that is so very true. Thanks for sharing it was a pleasure..
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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This was a great story well written you kept my eye for sure .. I loved your note at the end of this as well that is so very true. Thanks for sharing it was a pleasure..
Comment Written 21-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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Thank you for you review and rating.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written elpoetry, a great job writing this spiritual story about taking responsibility for your actions. i enjoyed reading this story with a message.
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reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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this is very well written elpoetry, a great job writing this spiritual story about taking responsibility for your actions. i enjoyed reading this story with a message.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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Thank you for your review and rating.
