OUT OF DARKNESS
Personal Acceptance of Personal Actions28 total reviews
Comment from akulkumol
Beautiful story with a lot of morals connected to it. Really it is said even if you did something wrong taking the name God erases all the sins. Beautiful piece of writing felt like real. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Beautiful story with a lot of morals connected to it. Really it is said even if you did something wrong taking the name God erases all the sins. Beautiful piece of writing felt like real. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Thank you.
Comment from Jay Squires
This is a moral think-piece that concludes at its end the theme: 'As a man thinketh in his heart, so he is!'"]
Good characterization, a bit wordy in parts, but for the most part well written.
The moral answer provides salvation: A person serving a prison sentence, after admitting to the court, his family, the victims, and himself that he is unequivocally guilty, has regained his dignity and reached the moral high-ground of remorse, where the devil of deception is defeated. [Whoa! I like t his sentence! It is full of meaning from the spirtitual standpoint.]
The hair on the back of his neck stood like the nails of a fakir's bed. [Great image!]
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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This is a moral think-piece that concludes at its end the theme: 'As a man thinketh in his heart, so he is!'"]
Good characterization, a bit wordy in parts, but for the most part well written.
The moral answer provides salvation: A person serving a prison sentence, after admitting to the court, his family, the victims, and himself that he is unequivocally guilty, has regained his dignity and reached the moral high-ground of remorse, where the devil of deception is defeated. [Whoa! I like t his sentence! It is full of meaning from the spirtitual standpoint.]
The hair on the back of his neck stood like the nails of a fakir's bed. [Great image!]
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Thank you. I am trying to write "tight," and use less words for the same meeing.
Comment from Righteous Riter
Good descriptive introduction that describes the atmosphere and set a dark tone. I like the slang use of hit a lick on some chicks. I know what licks are. I can really relate to this piece as I was arrested for armed robbery and ended up taking a plea as well. Good real life piece. Makes me think of how far God has brought me.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2014
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Good descriptive introduction that describes the atmosphere and set a dark tone. I like the slang use of hit a lick on some chicks. I know what licks are. I can really relate to this piece as I was arrested for armed robbery and ended up taking a plea as well. Good real life piece. Makes me think of how far God has brought me.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2014
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Thank you. Crime, time served, redemption; go forward in a positive way.
Comment from angelface2
How wonderful that this grandfather could turn this young man from his moral wrongdoing. This is a great story. thank you for sharing it with us. Miss Sally
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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How wonderful that this grandfather could turn this young man from his moral wrongdoing. This is a great story. thank you for sharing it with us. Miss Sally
Comment Written 03-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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Thank you. It is non-fiction.
Comment from omerta16
I believe you can make this much more efficient with some minor changes. I will list the majority of them here and you can write me back for further insight. Please take this as advice and not as insult or insolence.
-Anthony's vernacular, his way of speaking is out of tune with a young man who commits crimes and is mad at society.
i.e "how does my defense look" vs "So how's my defense lookin" notice I don't mean to make him sound ignorant, just young, impatient, nervous. also " i will do it" vs " I'll do it"
- unnecessary quotations (") after 'reduced sentance(") and 'orange jumpsuit(")
- no quotation marks are needed when you write 'moral question:' and 'moral answer provides salvation' unless they are a direct quote which would require identifying the author of the quote.
-prosecutor put on perjured testimony, should read 'allowed perjured testimony since the prosecutor didn't testify himself but let a witness perjure themselves on stand.
-no comma is needed after the word 'confident' when describing grandpa's voice
-also no (") around conflict and angst or Darkness a the end.
keep it up and let me know if this helps. I've received very similar feed back which opened my eyes to my many mistakes. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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I believe you can make this much more efficient with some minor changes. I will list the majority of them here and you can write me back for further insight. Please take this as advice and not as insult or insolence.
-Anthony's vernacular, his way of speaking is out of tune with a young man who commits crimes and is mad at society.
i.e "how does my defense look" vs "So how's my defense lookin" notice I don't mean to make him sound ignorant, just young, impatient, nervous. also " i will do it" vs " I'll do it"
- unnecessary quotations (") after 'reduced sentance(") and 'orange jumpsuit(")
- no quotation marks are needed when you write 'moral question:' and 'moral answer provides salvation' unless they are a direct quote which would require identifying the author of the quote.
-prosecutor put on perjured testimony, should read 'allowed perjured testimony since the prosecutor didn't testify himself but let a witness perjure themselves on stand.
-no comma is needed after the word 'confident' when describing grandpa's voice
-also no (") around conflict and angst or Darkness a the end.
keep it up and let me know if this helps. I've received very similar feed back which opened my eyes to my many mistakes. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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Thank you. I am not threatened by competence, and so I will follow the suggestions of reviewers who seek to help would be writers. The numerical score is meaningless, your comments are helpful.
William Brohaugh-"Write Tight," reflects your comments. Thank you. Your observations and suggestions that were printed out for use in editing. They mirror what William Brohaugh wrote in "Write Tight,"
The numeric score is really of little use to me; it says nothing.
Your time and talent will allow me to write a better story.
I need to read my stories while looking in the mirror, so that I can see my face when it registers a vague look as I insert too many commas, and use 10 words when 5 will do.
You are Zebra, a constructive type that does not assume the arrogance of the Rodeo-Horse-Critic that does not want you to have a successful ride, rather the attempt to buck you off is the main idea, as if the fall from a horse would make a person a better rider or writer.
Some critics are preachers, fault finders, and creepers, you are a teacher; a high status, well deserved. Thank
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Glad to help and glad that you took my review as it was meant to be. With the mind set that you have your writing skills will grow quickly. Sounds like you know what to do
Comment from barleygirl
This is a solid storyline with a lesson well-conveyed. There are some passages that come across as very powerful (paragraph starting "Gregory spoke in a low, steady voice.") and some passages are written in passive voice or using stilted, analytical telling instead of showing (paragraph starting "This offer by a convict is so obviously absurd and unattainable . . . ") Despite this mix, the story is a good read overall. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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This is a solid storyline with a lesson well-conveyed. There are some passages that come across as very powerful (paragraph starting "Gregory spoke in a low, steady voice.") and some passages are written in passive voice or using stilted, analytical telling instead of showing (paragraph starting "This offer by a convict is so obviously absurd and unattainable . . . ") Despite this mix, the story is a good read overall. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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Thank you. Writing is some of my time, revising is most of my time.
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Me too! *smile*
Comment from in777wr#
This was a powerful story. Anthony's dilemma and his Grandfather's instructions to him forced him to accept responsibility for his action. This was a great moral story. I enjoyed reading this.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2013
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This was a powerful story. Anthony's dilemma and his Grandfather's instructions to him forced him to accept responsibility for his action. This was a great moral story. I enjoyed reading this.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2013
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Thank you
Comment from gene roush
This is good.
The inner struggle is well drawn.
"The hook throws me a bit. Is it moaning or scraping metal?
Either way the word "sound" is unnecessary.
With a little more confidence in your writing the unnecessary descriptions can be eliminated -- let your verbs tell the story. Thanks for sharing
Gene
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2013
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This is good.
The inner struggle is well drawn.
"The hook throws me a bit. Is it moaning or scraping metal?
Either way the word "sound" is unnecessary.
With a little more confidence in your writing the unnecessary descriptions can be eliminated -- let your verbs tell the story. Thanks for sharing
Gene
Comment Written 23-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2013
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Thank you.
Comment from SteveY
Excellent story! One I can relate to as I was the program manager at a detention facility for teen age boys for 5 years. I always tried to get them to realize the denying the charges was way to costly for there long term good.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2013
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Excellent story! One I can relate to as I was the program manager at a detention facility for teen age boys for 5 years. I always tried to get them to realize the denying the charges was way to costly for there long term good.
Comment Written 13-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2013
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Thank you. You had the tough duty!
Comment from Simple Splendors
I really liked the redemption of the character Anthony and your own dauntless courage in proclaiming the truth of our Lord Jesus Christ.
My only critique is that perhaps you could use some of your vibrant creativity (apparent at beginning and end) to liven up the dry explanation of legal proceedings? Personally, I love legalities ... But I am a nut... But most people aren't and therefore wouldn't :p
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2013
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I really liked the redemption of the character Anthony and your own dauntless courage in proclaiming the truth of our Lord Jesus Christ.
My only critique is that perhaps you could use some of your vibrant creativity (apparent at beginning and end) to liven up the dry explanation of legal proceedings? Personally, I love legalities ... But I am a nut... But most people aren't and therefore wouldn't :p
Comment Written 13-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2013
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Thank you.
Some people don't care for the legal eagle details; but then again they probably don't like birds.
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Well, too bad for them! Birds are beautiful (even cultures really... )
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Vultures*
