Pack Mule for Sale
A very short story.9 total reviews
Comment from Readywriter52
The story goes from buying a pack mule to one of the characters being treated like a pack mule. It is an interesting story. It hope everything turns out okay.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2011
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The story goes from buying a pack mule to one of the characters being treated like a pack mule. It is an interesting story. It hope everything turns out okay.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2011
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I'm glad you thought my story interesting. Thank you for the good rating and review.
Comment from Violet Demise
Very entertaining, I really enjoyed reading this story. I especially liked the part where you said that Homer likes to visit his cousins in Montana lol. Great job.
Best wishes,
Ivana
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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Very entertaining, I really enjoyed reading this story. I especially liked the part where you said that Homer likes to visit his cousins in Montana lol. Great job.
Best wishes,
Ivana
Comment Written 20-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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So glad you liked my story. I love Montana, the prettiest place I have yet to visit. Wish I had some cousins there. :o)
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I live in Washington State, come visit me first... then we can go to Montana together lol. Have a great day :)
Comment from purrfect tale
I liked the beginning and the back and forth between the buzzard and the fly. I had a hard time picturing a human entering into a conversation with them. I know the women was suppose to be a non-stop talker, but her part drug on a little to long.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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I liked the beginning and the back and forth between the buzzard and the fly. I had a hard time picturing a human entering into a conversation with them. I know the women was suppose to be a non-stop talker, but her part drug on a little to long.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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Thank you for your review. I guess I might have overdid it a bit, but I did want the reader to get that impression of non-stop talker. It seems you did get it. :o) The conversation between the fly, buzzard and human--well, I was trying to convey something like an Aesop fable idea. Guess, it didn't work for you. Sorry. I'll try harder next time.
Comment from elliejean
I LOVE THE HUMOR. I LOVE THE WAY THE ANIMALS INTERACTED WITH EACH OTHER. The LITTLE SIDE TRACTS ONLY ENHANCED THE PUNCH LINE
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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I LOVE THE HUMOR. I LOVE THE WAY THE ANIMALS INTERACTED WITH EACH OTHER. The LITTLE SIDE TRACTS ONLY ENHANCED THE PUNCH LINE
Comment Written 20-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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I'm really glad you enjoyed my humor. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Cheryl Baker
I enjoyed this witty and funny story. Pack Mule is well written from the perspective of some flies. I was quite amused by the story of the pack mule.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2011
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I enjoyed this witty and funny story. Pack Mule is well written from the perspective of some flies. I was quite amused by the story of the pack mule.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2011
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I'm glad you liked my story. The part about the coffee cups and the "tiff" with my husband really did happen. The rest, well, just call it poetic license. :O)
Comment from Carolyn 12
This is such a cute story. I enjoyed reading about the two old broads and the pack mule was funny. Thank you for sharing and best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2011
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This is such a cute story. I enjoyed reading about the two old broads and the pack mule was funny. Thank you for sharing and best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2011
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Thank you Carolyn you are too kind. I'm afraid my punctuation is awful. It seems "that" just never sunk in when I was in school. But I'm learning. :o)
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Hey, we all are learning. I have a terrible time due to memory so keep writing and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. :^)
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Thanks for your support. I'm 62 and it seems like the memory goes a little more every day. Senior moments, got to love them. :o)
Comment from redrider6612
I think the story has potential, but it doesn't seen to be complete. I read it several times and just don't get it. If I may, I would like to offer some suggestions from a desire to help.
Proper use of quotation marks: Begin with quotation mark. Begin a new paragraph every time someone else speaks. If the same person is speaking in the next paragraph, don't end the paragraph with a quotation mark and begin the new paragraph with quotation marks.
The beginning could be clearer if the characters were identified as a fly and a buzzard. Why are they talking to each other? The reader needs more description to set the scene.
specifics:
Jethro asked [in an amused voice].--this last part is unnecessary--let the dialogue tell it
my hearing is just not as good as it once was when I was a young maggot--too many "was" make it rough to read--try: my hearing just ain't as good as when I was a young maggot
buy a pack mule(,)" Homer [was quick to explain](said).--let the dialogue tell it
Jethro laughed [loudly] and slapped his right knee.--avoid adverbs; usually all is needed is a stronger verb, this case, "guffawed" maybe?
"Well, I don't know........I'm not human." Homer replied with [a tad] irritation in his squeaky voice.--elipsis should always be three dots followed by a space; when there is a dialogue tag, end the dialogue with a comma
This whole section is really confusing as to who is speaking: "Excuse me fellows , I was just passing by on my way home and noticed you Mr. Buzzard and Mr. Fly sitting on this here fence post. " "I just happened to overhear 'Pack Mule' and instantly I realized I am one of the 'old broads' you were discussing.
"Oh, my, where are my manners?" "I'm Jo." "Glad to meet you".
caf© --"cafe"
I hope this has been helpful. I would be glad to take anotehr look if you do a rewrite. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2011
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I think the story has potential, but it doesn't seen to be complete. I read it several times and just don't get it. If I may, I would like to offer some suggestions from a desire to help.
Proper use of quotation marks: Begin with quotation mark. Begin a new paragraph every time someone else speaks. If the same person is speaking in the next paragraph, don't end the paragraph with a quotation mark and begin the new paragraph with quotation marks.
The beginning could be clearer if the characters were identified as a fly and a buzzard. Why are they talking to each other? The reader needs more description to set the scene.
specifics:
Jethro asked [in an amused voice].--this last part is unnecessary--let the dialogue tell it
my hearing is just not as good as it once was when I was a young maggot--too many "was" make it rough to read--try: my hearing just ain't as good as when I was a young maggot
buy a pack mule(,)" Homer [was quick to explain](said).--let the dialogue tell it
Jethro laughed [loudly] and slapped his right knee.--avoid adverbs; usually all is needed is a stronger verb, this case, "guffawed" maybe?
"Well, I don't know........I'm not human." Homer replied with [a tad] irritation in his squeaky voice.--elipsis should always be three dots followed by a space; when there is a dialogue tag, end the dialogue with a comma
This whole section is really confusing as to who is speaking: "Excuse me fellows , I was just passing by on my way home and noticed you Mr. Buzzard and Mr. Fly sitting on this here fence post. " "I just happened to overhear 'Pack Mule' and instantly I realized I am one of the 'old broads' you were discussing.
"Oh, my, where are my manners?" "I'm Jo." "Glad to meet you".
caf© --"cafe"
I hope this has been helpful. I would be glad to take anotehr look if you do a rewrite. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2011
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I really want to thank you for the time you took to write your comments and the obvious time you took with my piece. It seems I must have been absent the days this "stuff" was taught in school and college. I have struggled with punctuation for years. I knew someone would just sit back and rub their chin and wag their head at this mess. :o) I will try very hard to get it right. I did not know that revisions could be made after they have been entered. I am so new to this site...(3) but really do want to get better. Again thank you. I have copied your comments and will keep them to help remind me. Maybe, I should invest in a good grammar book, too. :o)
Comment from rchitwood
Well I had to laugh at this one your story is very entertaining and has good creative imagination.Good humor at the end and I would recommend this.Blessings Rita
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2011
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Well I had to laugh at this one your story is very entertaining and has good creative imagination.Good humor at the end and I would recommend this.Blessings Rita
Comment Written 13-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2011
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Rita, thank you for your very kind comments. This is my first attempt at something like this and I'm afraid my grammar is awful. I have a lot to learn. I did have fun writing it. :o)
Comment from Keachy
Really funny and a great entry. The shift from the flies to the woman speaking was a little jarring and I was a little lost on how she got back there or if the flies ended up where she was. A fun read though! Love the tidbit about the calendars and the coffee cups. Good luck!
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2011
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Really funny and a great entry. The shift from the flies to the woman speaking was a little jarring and I was a little lost on how she got back there or if the flies ended up where she was. A fun read though! Love the tidbit about the calendars and the coffee cups. Good luck!
Comment Written 13-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2011
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Thank you for your very kind comments. Your input is very much appreciated. It is so good to have someone else read my "stuff" and let me know if it made sense and where I lost you. Thanks again.
