Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 28 "Part one, Chapter 9"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
70 total reviews
Comment from misscookie
I hate to be like her but something is about to happen
This is to good to be true,
I have been there and I feel it.
I just hope she has more time of knowing happiness for awhile.
Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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I hate to be like her but something is about to happen
This is to good to be true,
I have been there and I feel it.
I just hope she has more time of knowing happiness for awhile.
Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
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Your very welcome
Comment from R. J. Stewart
This was a sweet story that could stand on its own. At first it reminded me of a soap opera and near the end it still did... I can understand the nature of the story being told. Domestic violence is a terrible crime, and not only hurts the victim physically, mentally - but also affects everyone around them, including family, and scar children. Very nice read.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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This was a sweet story that could stand on its own. At first it reminded me of a soap opera and near the end it still did... I can understand the nature of the story being told. Domestic violence is a terrible crime, and not only hurts the victim physically, mentally - but also affects everyone around them, including family, and scar children. Very nice read.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Writeaway...
Your characters get more and more interesting by the chapter, Barbara, bravo on this piece, an extraordinary display of talent, I could not find any SPAG issues, keep writing!! :)
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Your characters get more and more interesting by the chapter, Barbara, bravo on this piece, an extraordinary display of talent, I could not find any SPAG issues, keep writing!! :)
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from peggles
This is another excellent chapter
You have a good range of descriptive words
And use them well
I am enjoying this book and look forward to more
You certainly know how
To keep your readers in suspense
Well done
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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This is another excellent chapter
You have a good range of descriptive words
And use them well
I am enjoying this book and look forward to more
You certainly know how
To keep your readers in suspense
Well done
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from SharonSue
I am so enjoying this. I do hope this goes in print. I would surely purchase one. You have captured too that there are good people around to help those in need. I am in a similar circumstance. Your writing flows so well and is easily read. Makes for a good book and a cup of coffee on the couch relaxing. Love it.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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I am so enjoying this. I do hope this goes in print. I would surely purchase one. You have captured too that there are good people around to help those in need. I am in a similar circumstance. Your writing flows so well and is easily read. Makes for a good book and a cup of coffee on the couch relaxing. Love it.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you for the kind review and encouraging words.
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Thanks for letting me know you made all changes. no time to reread but I believe you. ;-)
First review (FOUr stars)
Good chapter, dear B. The balance of dialog and narrative is good and your descriptive elements are good too, but have room for improvement in terms fo showing more than telling. The flow is good and the scene unfolds vividly in the reader's mind. Easy to read and holds the attention/. The characterization is good too, though without reading all chapters I cannot comment in depth about developmental aspects.
Spags and suggestions-
*** You do a great job applying action tags, but here you've used the same action tag twice in one paragraph, which weakens it.
"You're welcome." He grinned. "If it's all right, we have one stop to make before going back to the house. My insurance agent set up car and renters insurance policies. After you sign the paperwork, you can drive the car back to your apartment tonight." He grinned. "How does it feel being on your own?"
Maybe if you say "He grinned wider." in the second usage it would work better? Or maybe use another tag?
*He giggled and raised his arms for his mom. Anna lifted him and kissed his cheek. "Mommy missed you so much today. I can't wait to show you your new home."
Suggest trimming off 'for his mom" since the reader already knows who he raises his arms for.
*
Anna carried Michael to the swing, she smiled.
Awkward punctuation. Suggest-
Anna carried Michael to the swing. She smiled.
or
Anna carried Michael to the swing, then smiled.
or
Anna carried Michael to the swing and smiled.
* But, I'm afraid it's too good to be real."
suggest no comma after but
"Dad is doing everything possible to keep him in jail.
Dad's doing
*Troy saw the concern written across her face and put his arms around her.
this is nice, but you could SHOW more than tell the concern to make it more real and visual for the reader.
Troy saw the frown crinkling her brow.... (for example)
*Consider trimming the adverb tightly here:
When Troy released Anna, she lifted Michael from the swing, tightly cuddled him, and glanced at Paul.
*
"Dinner is ready." Paul touched Anna's arm.
Dinner's ready
*
"Look inside," Betty encouraged.
Telling rather than showing. better to use an action tag that describes Betty's tone or facial expression. Also, encouraged is an awkward speech tag.
Hope this is helpful. ;-)
With love,
rd
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Second review
Thanks for letting me know you made all changes. no time to reread but I believe you. ;-)
First review (FOUr stars)
Good chapter, dear B. The balance of dialog and narrative is good and your descriptive elements are good too, but have room for improvement in terms fo showing more than telling. The flow is good and the scene unfolds vividly in the reader's mind. Easy to read and holds the attention/. The characterization is good too, though without reading all chapters I cannot comment in depth about developmental aspects.
Spags and suggestions-
*** You do a great job applying action tags, but here you've used the same action tag twice in one paragraph, which weakens it.
"You're welcome." He grinned. "If it's all right, we have one stop to make before going back to the house. My insurance agent set up car and renters insurance policies. After you sign the paperwork, you can drive the car back to your apartment tonight." He grinned. "How does it feel being on your own?"
Maybe if you say "He grinned wider." in the second usage it would work better? Or maybe use another tag?
*He giggled and raised his arms for his mom. Anna lifted him and kissed his cheek. "Mommy missed you so much today. I can't wait to show you your new home."
Suggest trimming off 'for his mom" since the reader already knows who he raises his arms for.
*
Anna carried Michael to the swing, she smiled.
Awkward punctuation. Suggest-
Anna carried Michael to the swing. She smiled.
or
Anna carried Michael to the swing, then smiled.
or
Anna carried Michael to the swing and smiled.
* But, I'm afraid it's too good to be real."
suggest no comma after but
"Dad is doing everything possible to keep him in jail.
Dad's doing
*Troy saw the concern written across her face and put his arms around her.
this is nice, but you could SHOW more than tell the concern to make it more real and visual for the reader.
Troy saw the frown crinkling her brow.... (for example)
*Consider trimming the adverb tightly here:
When Troy released Anna, she lifted Michael from the swing, tightly cuddled him, and glanced at Paul.
*
"Dinner is ready." Paul touched Anna's arm.
Dinner's ready
*
"Look inside," Betty encouraged.
Telling rather than showing. better to use an action tag that describes Betty's tone or facial expression. Also, encouraged is an awkward speech tag.
Hope this is helpful. ;-)
With love,
rd
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you for catching those. I have made the changes.
Comment from Bayberry
The dialogue between Troy and Anna feels very natural. It helps the reader connect to her concerns about Michael. I like the family atmosphere that comes with the 'surrogate grandparents'. The hope is building for the future contrasted with tension coming from the possibility of Michael's father discovering where Anna is. It all keeps the story believable and interesting.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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The dialogue between Troy and Anna feels very natural. It helps the reader connect to her concerns about Michael. I like the family atmosphere that comes with the 'surrogate grandparents'. The hope is building for the future contrasted with tension coming from the possibility of Michael's father discovering where Anna is. It all keeps the story believable and interesting.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
barbara:
This is another fine chapter. One of the things I like
so much about your writing is you manage to keep your
readers in suspense. I keep expecting Anna's husband or
ex-mother-in-law to jump out of the bushes or something.
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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barbara:
This is another fine chapter. One of the things I like
so much about your writing is you manage to keep your
readers in suspense. I keep expecting Anna's husband or
ex-mother-in-law to jump out of the bushes or something.
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
Comment Written 23-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from quashdog
I share Anna's apprehension. This chapter was a little too tranquil and felt more like the eye of the storm. Something tells me that trouble is brewing when hurricane Booby gets out of jail.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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I share Anna's apprehension. This chapter was a little too tranquil and felt more like the eye of the storm. Something tells me that trouble is brewing when hurricane Booby gets out of jail.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from glpar
Another well written piece. It rings true and you make the reader feel like they are there and experiencing what the characters are experiencing. And the fact that you are showing her still feeling that 'something bad might happen' speaks truth of what a person in her place would be feeling.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2011
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Another well written piece. It rings true and you make the reader feel like they are there and experiencing what the characters are experiencing. And the fact that you are showing her still feeling that 'something bad might happen' speaks truth of what a person in her place would be feeling.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
