The Ballad of a Vision
Heaven as a Mountain Stream22 total reviews
Comment from fionageorge
Al, you have penned a truly beautiful and spiritual Faith Poem here, my friend. One that flows freely with great rhythm and rhyme, but more than that, the words show a deep faith and commitment and trust. Good luck in the contest and warmest regards, Marijke :o)
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2012
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Al, you have penned a truly beautiful and spiritual Faith Poem here, my friend. One that flows freely with great rhythm and rhyme, but more than that, the words show a deep faith and commitment and trust. Good luck in the contest and warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment Written 24-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2012
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Thanks for a great and kind review.
Comment from vickib
Hi Alvin! You have to have deep faith to write this. You are so trusting and content that I am jealous of it. Well you know what I mean...I long to find this kind of peace sometimes. I read up on ballads a bit before I reviewed this and see now the form you have used, yet still in a very unique voice and old world quality too I think, by that I mean classical; written the way people spoke and wrote properly and elegantly. It sings softly and warmly and with respect. I think the 4th verse is very mysterious. What does the word lee mean the way you used it? I think your dream is a sign that you are already at peace with everything in life and in death. How very refreshing this was to read. I love this post and this very special poem. Lots of love, Vicki
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2012
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Hi Alvin! You have to have deep faith to write this. You are so trusting and content that I am jealous of it. Well you know what I mean...I long to find this kind of peace sometimes. I read up on ballads a bit before I reviewed this and see now the form you have used, yet still in a very unique voice and old world quality too I think, by that I mean classical; written the way people spoke and wrote properly and elegantly. It sings softly and warmly and with respect. I think the 4th verse is very mysterious. What does the word lee mean the way you used it? I think your dream is a sign that you are already at peace with everything in life and in death. How very refreshing this was to read. I love this post and this very special poem. Lots of love, Vicki
Comment Written 23-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2012
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"lee" means "shelter." Thanks for a great review. I wish I thought I had as much faith as you did. Thanks for a good review.
Comment from Joan E.
Greetings from the Ashland, Oregon Shakespeare Festival--we are on our annual trip with Ryan! Your view of the journey to the afterlife is intriguing. I enjoyed your rhyming quatrains and your final "vision" of "eternity." -Joan
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2012
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Greetings from the Ashland, Oregon Shakespeare Festival--we are on our annual trip with Ryan! Your view of the journey to the afterlife is intriguing. I enjoyed your rhyming quatrains and your final "vision" of "eternity." -Joan
Comment Written 23-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2012
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Thanks for a great review. I am honored.
Comment from EXMAN. nffc
Hi Alvin. I know your probably quite settled with your wording on this one and have thought through any of the issues I might raise, but I'm just going to have to say it as I see it. No offence intended.
There is a mountain stream
With air and water and grace sublime
the minimal punctuation tends to make me read these lines as one and I'm left wondering what the heck kind of a stream has air in it. Even though I know you are making quite sepatate statements, my mind just throws them together and it spits me out of the read.
For not it is my place to stay
You have gotten way to fancy pants with this line and I tripped over it again and again as I tried to straighten it out. Why can't you write it as one would naturally say it, ie:
For it is not my place to stay
But seas are where I be.
This feels like you've used a hackneyed term that has me thinking of pirates leaping about a ship, flying the 'jolly roger' and yelling 'arrr me hearties', just to get the rhyme. Besides, this reads as 'the sea is where I am' not as I think you intended, which is: 'the sea is where I belong'
For I remain with you but yet
Do you really need the 'but'?
This really has a great feel to it.The sophisticated philisophical thoughtlines are balanced by the simplistic nature in of the thinker. A lot of people are really going to like this one. Good to hear from you again Alvin.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2012
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Hi Alvin. I know your probably quite settled with your wording on this one and have thought through any of the issues I might raise, but I'm just going to have to say it as I see it. No offence intended.
There is a mountain stream
With air and water and grace sublime
the minimal punctuation tends to make me read these lines as one and I'm left wondering what the heck kind of a stream has air in it. Even though I know you are making quite sepatate statements, my mind just throws them together and it spits me out of the read.
For not it is my place to stay
You have gotten way to fancy pants with this line and I tripped over it again and again as I tried to straighten it out. Why can't you write it as one would naturally say it, ie:
For it is not my place to stay
But seas are where I be.
This feels like you've used a hackneyed term that has me thinking of pirates leaping about a ship, flying the 'jolly roger' and yelling 'arrr me hearties', just to get the rhyme. Besides, this reads as 'the sea is where I am' not as I think you intended, which is: 'the sea is where I belong'
For I remain with you but yet
Do you really need the 'but'?
This really has a great feel to it.The sophisticated philisophical thoughtlines are balanced by the simplistic nature in of the thinker. A lot of people are really going to like this one. Good to hear from you again Alvin.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2012
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I did change this one since you first read it, right? I seem to think I did. Thanks for a great review.
Comment from honeytree
Very special words for this contest.
I feel the words written are very humble ones.
God does forgive us for any wrong.
God not only created us, but He is our God and friend.
Honey tree
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2012
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Very special words for this contest.
I feel the words written are very humble ones.
God does forgive us for any wrong.
God not only created us, but He is our God and friend.
Honey tree
Comment Written 23-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2012
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Thanks for a great review.
Comment from ulster3
Hello, Alvin.
Excellent rhyming quatrains. Mortality just plays a small part in our lives, as you say. It isn't lasting! I love the final line where you include creatures. I enjoyed this read.
Warmly, Rebecca
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2012
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Hello, Alvin.
Excellent rhyming quatrains. Mortality just plays a small part in our lives, as you say. It isn't lasting! I love the final line where you include creatures. I enjoyed this read.
Warmly, Rebecca
Comment Written 23-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2012
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Matoshka
This was so beautiful and touched my heart so. I feel the same yearning and know someday we will all meet in heaven, there to live in love, kindness forever. God Bless you for writing this, your words were like flowing water to a thirsty soul. Blessings
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2012
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This was so beautiful and touched my heart so. I feel the same yearning and know someday we will all meet in heaven, there to live in love, kindness forever. God Bless you for writing this, your words were like flowing water to a thirsty soul. Blessings
Comment Written 23-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2012
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What a kind thing to say; I am honored.
Comment from Scribelle
I like how you start with a dream and conclude with reality. It brings the reader from a concept to real life. Also, all the references to water relate well to the concept of living water, in all its forms. That you are able to incorporate mortality, choice, trust, life, death, and God's glory in a cohesive, rhythmic manner is extraordinary. This is a difficult topic that is very well done! Rhyme, rhythm, imagery, and sequence of concepts are all excellent.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2012
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I like how you start with a dream and conclude with reality. It brings the reader from a concept to real life. Also, all the references to water relate well to the concept of living water, in all its forms. That you are able to incorporate mortality, choice, trust, life, death, and God's glory in a cohesive, rhythmic manner is extraordinary. This is a difficult topic that is very well done! Rhyme, rhythm, imagery, and sequence of concepts are all excellent.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2012
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Thanks for a superb review.
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Al
This is fabulous poem and written in one of my favorite syllable counts...8/6. When done right the lines just sing along and flow down the page like liquid falling. You know how I love to write about the sea so this poem appeals to me on every level. Your well chosen words are expressive and the theme is excellent. Wish I had a six for you! Well done and good luck in the contest....chey
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2012
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Hi Al
This is fabulous poem and written in one of my favorite syllable counts...8/6. When done right the lines just sing along and flow down the page like liquid falling. You know how I love to write about the sea so this poem appeals to me on every level. Your well chosen words are expressive and the theme is excellent. Wish I had a six for you! Well done and good luck in the contest....chey
Comment Written 23-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2012
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Yes, I love the ballad meter too. And the theme of the sea. I am so glad you liked this one.
Comment from Denise S
Really nice use of words to describe a part of lifes journey most people like to avoid. The rhymes were not forced I think.
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reply by the author on 23-Jul-2011
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Really nice use of words to describe a part of lifes journey most people like to avoid. The rhymes were not forced I think.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2011
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Thank you for your review. Since you gave me four stars, what do you think needs improvement?
