I Hereby Crown Thee ...
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "By Nightmare's Dark Decree"A collection of crowns of sonnets
115 total reviews
Comment from kiwisteveh
There is a grim nightmarish logic to your series of heroic sonnets and an overall feeling of helplessness that will be familiar to all those who have suffered nightmares.
Images of the deserted road, the looming boulder, the ominous syringe and the mysterious cardboard boxes combine to create a smothering menace-filled unity.
Rhyme and meter are excellent throughout and the poem really does come full circle with the final line.
Great work.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2011
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There is a grim nightmarish logic to your series of heroic sonnets and an overall feeling of helplessness that will be familiar to all those who have suffered nightmares.
Images of the deserted road, the looming boulder, the ominous syringe and the mysterious cardboard boxes combine to create a smothering menace-filled unity.
Rhyme and meter are excellent throughout and the poem really does come full circle with the final line.
Great work.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2011
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Cheers, Steve! I'm glad you enjoyed the read - it felt good to get this beastie out on paper :-)
Mike
Comment from Writeaway...
Fleedleflump an excellent job, bravo. Your writing is clear, well-written and cleverly constructed, an excellent job, keep writing!! :)
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2011
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Fleedleflump an excellent job, bravo. Your writing is clear, well-written and cleverly constructed, an excellent job, keep writing!! :)
Comment Written 19-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2011
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Thank you!
Mike
Comment from Katchoo_Ledeux
You certainly chose a complicated format for this piece, which is good, 'cause I don't think anything but a complicated format could do justice to this complicated subject matter.
Just a dream? I really don't think so, especially given that it's reoccurring. What you described here (with powerful words and insight, I might add) is what I picture as the truth of nature across our universe... we live as one form, and when we pass, our molecules separate and all our energy is disbursed and collected again (perhaps mixed with others, perhaps in whole, but I think more likely the former) and settle into a new form. That's how I interpreted this dream/work. However, this piece had a bit more darkness than I perceive in these changes. In my perception, it is a beautiful thing. And who's to say that your dream is as I interpret it?
Anyway, it was a worthwhile read that got my brain and spirit riled.
The flow was great, but I kept getting stuck on this one stanza:
These devil's tunes, to which I click my heels
with unforced, sly irreverence and fear,
are melodies to rob my fervour's steel
with repetitious horror without peer.
For some reason, the flow got broken for me here. Regardless, I would give this a six if I had any left. Sorry, I read too many good works this week!
Fine work, I would certainly recommend this to others.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2011
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You certainly chose a complicated format for this piece, which is good, 'cause I don't think anything but a complicated format could do justice to this complicated subject matter.
Just a dream? I really don't think so, especially given that it's reoccurring. What you described here (with powerful words and insight, I might add) is what I picture as the truth of nature across our universe... we live as one form, and when we pass, our molecules separate and all our energy is disbursed and collected again (perhaps mixed with others, perhaps in whole, but I think more likely the former) and settle into a new form. That's how I interpreted this dream/work. However, this piece had a bit more darkness than I perceive in these changes. In my perception, it is a beautiful thing. And who's to say that your dream is as I interpret it?
Anyway, it was a worthwhile read that got my brain and spirit riled.
The flow was great, but I kept getting stuck on this one stanza:
These devil's tunes, to which I click my heels
with unforced, sly irreverence and fear,
are melodies to rob my fervour's steel
with repetitious horror without peer.
For some reason, the flow got broken for me here. Regardless, I would give this a six if I had any left. Sorry, I read too many good works this week!
Fine work, I would certainly recommend this to others.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2011
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Thank you, Katchoo :-). I love your interpretation of my piece. For me, that's half the beauty of poetry, which is why I get annoyed when people complain it is obscure or ambiguous.
I'm so glad you got so much out of the read, and hugely grateful to you for taking the time to share your reaction and thoughts with me. I'll have a look at that section and perhaps fiddle with it!
Mike
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Yes, that is indeed one of the major beauties of poetry! You send emotions out in beautiful words, and people will relate. Even if they're not on the same page with you regarding the intent, they are able to identify with the emotions (if you're an apt poet) and there, you've just inspired someone to explore something in themself they might not have otherwise.
Comment from ELumpkins
The poem is very interesting although a mite long. I would like to see it written shorter and less descriptive. Try to use more common wording. The poem wording rymes well and flows along very well; it's just too long.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2011
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The poem is very interesting although a mite long. I would like to see it written shorter and less descriptive. Try to use more common wording. The poem wording rymes well and flows along very well; it's just too long.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2011
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I know it's long, but I did after all set out to write a crown of sonnets so it's not like I rambled and let it get away with me - the length was set from the start. It's the length that led me to put such a high payout on it. You could have left it if the length looked too great, but you left a comment which means you accepted it in turn for the generous member dollar reward.
As for common wording, I disagree. Did the poetry we study in high school make its meaning clear on the first read? No, not even the second or third. It takes a little investment to glean full meaning and achieve the gratification of have thoroughly appreciated something. Poetry seeks the perfect aptness of expression over clarity of thought - it's not a newspaper article. In writing prose I would certainly seek the most effective method to deliver meaning on the first read, but poetry is a different creature altogether, as much about music and rhythm, atmosphere and instinct as it is words.
Sorry, I've rambled on here - clearly your review got me thinking! Thanks for stopping by.
Mike
Comment from gervic
I love these lines
"And so, as dawn emancipates my thoughts
with fresh arrears to pay as hours caress
all egos as they stroke with passings bought
by purpose, I will finally confess "
The meaning was so deep and of course I can relate to myself.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2011
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I love these lines
"And so, as dawn emancipates my thoughts
with fresh arrears to pay as hours caress
all egos as they stroke with passings bought
by purpose, I will finally confess "
The meaning was so deep and of course I can relate to myself.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2011
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Thank you, gervic. Your review is wonderfully encouraging and it sounds like you really enjoyed the read, so I'm just wondering if the four was intentional? You didn't offer any suggestions for improvement.
Mike
Comment from axelbeariter
You have composed a gem that mere mortals (such as I) could never imagine much less write in rhyme or prose. At points I understand the pleas of your mind to dream something barren of the fear you experience. Hope this production cures your fears.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2011
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You have composed a gem that mere mortals (such as I) could never imagine much less write in rhyme or prose. At points I understand the pleas of your mind to dream something barren of the fear you experience. Hope this production cures your fears.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2011
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Thank you, Alex :-). I'm really happy you enjoyed the read.
Mike
Comment from MizKat
Fleedleflump - I read your poem and think it's written well. I must admit that I don't really understand sonnet poems though. I know you must be talking about something else that you refer to as
cardboard once alive. Kat
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2011
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Fleedleflump - I read your poem and think it's written well. I must admit that I don't really understand sonnet poems though. I know you must be talking about something else that you refer to as
cardboard once alive. Kat
Comment Written 18-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2011
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Thank you, Kat :-). I'm hoping the form is not really an issue since, if I get it right, the poem should just read naturally. It's far more important to me that readers plug in to the feelings I'm expressing, as it seems you did. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with me!
Mike
Comment from Narvik
Whoa this was a deep one, Flump. Had such an eerie feel to it I couldn't stop reading til the end, then I read it again, It was just as chilling the second time. Must be quite a jolt to have this scene as a recurring nightmare. I think I wouldn't even want to fall asleep.
Good structure and rhyming throughout made it ever more effective. Nice title too.
Well, sweet dreams!
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2011
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Whoa this was a deep one, Flump. Had such an eerie feel to it I couldn't stop reading til the end, then I read it again, It was just as chilling the second time. Must be quite a jolt to have this scene as a recurring nightmare. I think I wouldn't even want to fall asleep.
Good structure and rhyming throughout made it ever more effective. Nice title too.
Well, sweet dreams!
Comment Written 18-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2011
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Thank you, Jack :-). This one's been present since I was very young, but it is much rarer these days. Who knows, with the dream almost thirty years old, maybe when I have it now, it's like a tribute act!
Mike
Comment from Larrypic11
This is a wonderful work, and some pretty scary stuff going on inside your dream state. I hope you are more successful in "attempts to find the enemies I fight:, but then again if it kills your edge, then nightmare away:-) Be well. Larry
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2011
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This is a wonderful work, and some pretty scary stuff going on inside your dream state. I hope you are more successful in "attempts to find the enemies I fight:, but then again if it kills your edge, then nightmare away:-) Be well. Larry
Comment Written 18-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2011
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lol, thank you, Larry :-). Such things certainly make for good inspiration, it's true! Cheers, mate.
Mike
Comment from barkingdog
Well, I can't put this off any longer, Mike. Your sonnet form is outstanding and use of alliteration, consonance, assonance, metaphor and simile and range of vocabulary is over the moon, but I have no idea what you are saying.
I feel the pain and wandering and need for release from this torment and its repetitive interruption of your nights' sanity. It seems to scream for its own death but will not die as it goes from one sonnet to the next... just as your dream continues.
The length of this alone accentuates the torment over the length of years.(This does not mean that reading your Crown of Sonnets was a torment. It was an extreme honor to share your deepest thoughts.)
Your nightmare is described as barren, cardboard, a hole where your inner child is alone to face the medicine( children get immunization i.e. syringes and are very afraid, but are expected to be brave and not cry, especially if you're a boy). Many watch, maybe judge with 'razor fence on concrete floor' before you shatter and scatter('colour's vim departs') i.e. can't take anymore. Heavy as a rock you 'cannot swim'/ get above what troubles you/the sand and rocks piled upon you, that you are expected to bear.
And so what began at three, rules, beliefs, etc. churn nightly on cardboard highways(we played 'cars', drawing highways on cardboard) asking you to find a direction.
You say all this in the poem. I am not attempting an interpretation, I had dreams of an endless elevator that I would enter and it went every direction, up down, sideways vertical, horizontal. I was always tired, never sleeping. It's gone now. So, dreams can be stopped. It took great life choices/changes on my part.
I never went to therapy. I just got sick of being who I was 'expected' to be.
'Braveheart'... Freedom.
My sixes are gone. I fear I will soon be dreaming of faces from portfolios floating in a mist, muttering, "Six, six, six," in FanStory Hell. Mind that some of the faces are cats, dogs and flowers...others, just an eye or two. LOL
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2011
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Well, I can't put this off any longer, Mike. Your sonnet form is outstanding and use of alliteration, consonance, assonance, metaphor and simile and range of vocabulary is over the moon, but I have no idea what you are saying.
I feel the pain and wandering and need for release from this torment and its repetitive interruption of your nights' sanity. It seems to scream for its own death but will not die as it goes from one sonnet to the next... just as your dream continues.
The length of this alone accentuates the torment over the length of years.(This does not mean that reading your Crown of Sonnets was a torment. It was an extreme honor to share your deepest thoughts.)
Your nightmare is described as barren, cardboard, a hole where your inner child is alone to face the medicine( children get immunization i.e. syringes and are very afraid, but are expected to be brave and not cry, especially if you're a boy). Many watch, maybe judge with 'razor fence on concrete floor' before you shatter and scatter('colour's vim departs') i.e. can't take anymore. Heavy as a rock you 'cannot swim'/ get above what troubles you/the sand and rocks piled upon you, that you are expected to bear.
And so what began at three, rules, beliefs, etc. churn nightly on cardboard highways(we played 'cars', drawing highways on cardboard) asking you to find a direction.
You say all this in the poem. I am not attempting an interpretation, I had dreams of an endless elevator that I would enter and it went every direction, up down, sideways vertical, horizontal. I was always tired, never sleeping. It's gone now. So, dreams can be stopped. It took great life choices/changes on my part.
I never went to therapy. I just got sick of being who I was 'expected' to be.
'Braveheart'... Freedom.
My sixes are gone. I fear I will soon be dreaming of faces from portfolios floating in a mist, muttering, "Six, six, six," in FanStory Hell. Mind that some of the faces are cats, dogs and flowers...others, just an eye or two. LOL
Comment Written 18-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2011
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lol, thank you so much - this is an amazing review :-). This dream is pretty rare these days, and when I have it now the fear is much diluted. I'm flattered that you've put such thought into your reaction to it, and you've written one of my favourite responses.
I utterly agree with what you say. I am me, not the elements that define my place in a confused society. How arrogant of modern folk to believe that any thought process beyond the accepted norm is a problem to be fixed with therapy.
Thanks again :-).
Mike
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Hi Mike,
Those few out of the box thinkers are OUT of the box. It's the archaic 'modern' thinkers who are still IN. I kind of like watching them all beat each other up in their trying to decide what to think.LOL Original thought is difficult fot them and if they have one they rush to therapy. LOL
Nice sharing with you. I'm glad I didn't overstep in my review.
:)barking dog
