I Hereby Crown Thee ...
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "By Nightmare's Dark Decree"A collection of crowns of sonnets
115 total reviews
Comment from Kingsland
I think it would enhance this poem to be in two parts. Just my opinion, as it breaks it up and gives the reader a break. I still see this as a five star poetic performance. It says what you needed to say in a good poetic foray... John
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2011
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I think it would enhance this poem to be in two parts. Just my opinion, as it breaks it up and gives the reader a break. I still see this as a five star poetic performance. It says what you needed to say in a good poetic foray... John
Comment Written 17-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2011
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Thank you, John. I can certainly see the merit of splitting a long piece like this, but if I did so then it would no longer be a crown of sonnets, and that was what I set out to create. I suppose I could still do it in parts, but it would lose that continuity.
I'm glad you enjoyed the read despite the length :-)
Mike
Comment from dismac (Paul)
How can you say that it is long? As one reads it, one wants it to go on and on. What a wonderful potion of words and emotion you have woven into your work. Thank you for promoting it so that all can share. Paul
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2011
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How can you say that it is long? As one reads it, one wants it to go on and on. What a wonderful potion of words and emotion you have woven into your work. Thank you for promoting it so that all can share. Paul
Comment Written 17-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2011
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Thank you, Paul - what a wonderful review :-). I felt I should acknowledge the length since some will always complain (so far only one reviewer has suggested shirtening, which is nice). I'm so glad you liked it!
Mike
Comment from Adri7enne
Sounds like a bad nightmare, alright. Pretty suffocating stuff.
You have a terrific arsenal of words and you rhyme them well, Mike. Your crown of sonnets calls up dark visions, oppressive and horrifying. Perhaps if you could figure out their meanings, you could put those fears to rest.
Well done.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2011
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Sounds like a bad nightmare, alright. Pretty suffocating stuff.
You have a terrific arsenal of words and you rhyme them well, Mike. Your crown of sonnets calls up dark visions, oppressive and horrifying. Perhaps if you could figure out their meanings, you could put those fears to rest.
Well done.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2011
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Thank you so much for the awesome review :-). I've been getting this for thirty years, so it would be interesting to know the meaning, although that might spoil the dark inspiration behind my words, of course!
Mike
Comment from gsuarez
A great technique in all writing is connecting final lines, words or phrases, very nicely done. I felt this was a very dark yet captivating piece. The piece made me reflect on my dreams and the measures I take to avoid nightmares from creeping in. I enjoyed the read.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2011
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A great technique in all writing is connecting final lines, words or phrases, very nicely done. I felt this was a very dark yet captivating piece. The piece made me reflect on my dreams and the measures I take to avoid nightmares from creeping in. I enjoyed the read.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2011
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Thank you :-). I'm really glad you liked the read - I find nightmares fascinating (as well as creepy, lol!).
Mike
Comment from write hand blue
My advice such as it is, would be shorten
this poem and perhaps make it into
two. Taking the best parts for
the first. Then working on
the rest, taking time.
Forgive me, but I have
done this and ended up with
two quite different poems.
I like the descriptive quality
of your writing. Quite original.
Regards...Mel.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2011
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My advice such as it is, would be shorten
this poem and perhaps make it into
two. Taking the best parts for
the first. Then working on
the rest, taking time.
Forgive me, but I have
done this and ended up with
two quite different poems.
I like the descriptive quality
of your writing. Quite original.
Regards...Mel.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2011
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Thank you, Mel. I sometimes ftuncate but I felt this one needed the room to breathe. I'm happy you liked the description :-)
Mike
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My pleasure...Mel.
Comment from Piggies Grandma
I don't think I would like to have your nightmares Fleedleflump, especially if it's recurring. Your poem was cleverly written and well thought out.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2011
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I don't think I would like to have your nightmares Fleedleflump, especially if it's recurring. Your poem was cleverly written and well thought out.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2011
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Thank you :-). I've been having this dream since I was a wee nipper, and it's the only one I can always remember.
Mike
Comment from Rasp E
Oh, I know what this is! I was hoping you'd actually make good and write something on your dream. Excellent choice of form, I think - iambic pentameter is very suited to the outre. Before we begin, I promise not to play Freud...I'll just talk about the poem. :)
First sonnet, stanza three, line two: arrears is a bit heavy for the line...anything lighter that still fits an iambic foot?
Second sonnet, second stanza, line one: how do you feel about adding a bit of caesura in the form of a dash? I know it's not exactly traditional, but it's dramatic. lol. Suggested placement: "- once alive"
Not sure if you're into adding emphasis like that, but at the moment I'm feeling very enthusiastic about highlighting some of the creepy bits.
"Droll and dust-affected touch" is an especially nice line.
'Destiny lies helpless' is interesting. It's a word and concept with so much weight behind it, turning it inside out like that is nice. :pause for contemplation:
Sonnet 3 is really well constructed and full of interesting ideas for a geeky gal to think about. Approved. LOL. (Haven't had enough caffeine yet, running on giddiness.)
Oh. You weren't kidding. How did you phrase it? Balls on crazy? Or something like? Yeah. Concur. Makes for a good, creepy story though.
Fourth sonnet, second stanza, last line: Mmm, I think this line is a bit unclear. Well, ok, not unclear, contradictory in a way that bugs. The previous line says "against my will" but a vote that can't be abstained is one that's been cast...it's mandatory. Which suggests self-infliction. Is that an intentional suggestion? If so, perhaps strengthen the idea by expanding that conflict to the previous line. If not, suggest: 'victim of a vote I cannot cast' - or some such.
Terror's tropes. :D Nice.
Woah. You sure threw down the gauntlet. Perspicacious? That's a bit heavy for the line - it brought me to a stop. Partly out of admiration for having the guts to throw that one out there, and with gusto - like, "Yeah. I did that." But mostly, I have to admit, because it takes over the line and jolted me out of the story. Maybe draw it out instead and tie in more blade/edge imagery in keeping with the rest of the stanza. Something like "clever, sharpened lies" or whatever suits.
"Ocean full of stone" - nice. I like this entire stanza - it's my fav so far. Solid on imagery and emotion. You're missing hands through most of this, I note. I like having that thread to connect the pieces.
"Distance dissipates" - another interesting little bit.
"Rots the dreaming mind" - wow, strong. :) I like.
Uselessness? That puzzles me a bit, actually.
Congrats, Mike. That's a pretty damn good poem. That took work, I can tell. Good job.
Erica
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2011
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Oh, I know what this is! I was hoping you'd actually make good and write something on your dream. Excellent choice of form, I think - iambic pentameter is very suited to the outre. Before we begin, I promise not to play Freud...I'll just talk about the poem. :)
First sonnet, stanza three, line two: arrears is a bit heavy for the line...anything lighter that still fits an iambic foot?
Second sonnet, second stanza, line one: how do you feel about adding a bit of caesura in the form of a dash? I know it's not exactly traditional, but it's dramatic. lol. Suggested placement: "- once alive"
Not sure if you're into adding emphasis like that, but at the moment I'm feeling very enthusiastic about highlighting some of the creepy bits.
"Droll and dust-affected touch" is an especially nice line.
'Destiny lies helpless' is interesting. It's a word and concept with so much weight behind it, turning it inside out like that is nice. :pause for contemplation:
Sonnet 3 is really well constructed and full of interesting ideas for a geeky gal to think about. Approved. LOL. (Haven't had enough caffeine yet, running on giddiness.)
Oh. You weren't kidding. How did you phrase it? Balls on crazy? Or something like? Yeah. Concur. Makes for a good, creepy story though.
Fourth sonnet, second stanza, last line: Mmm, I think this line is a bit unclear. Well, ok, not unclear, contradictory in a way that bugs. The previous line says "against my will" but a vote that can't be abstained is one that's been cast...it's mandatory. Which suggests self-infliction. Is that an intentional suggestion? If so, perhaps strengthen the idea by expanding that conflict to the previous line. If not, suggest: 'victim of a vote I cannot cast' - or some such.
Terror's tropes. :D Nice.
Woah. You sure threw down the gauntlet. Perspicacious? That's a bit heavy for the line - it brought me to a stop. Partly out of admiration for having the guts to throw that one out there, and with gusto - like, "Yeah. I did that." But mostly, I have to admit, because it takes over the line and jolted me out of the story. Maybe draw it out instead and tie in more blade/edge imagery in keeping with the rest of the stanza. Something like "clever, sharpened lies" or whatever suits.
"Ocean full of stone" - nice. I like this entire stanza - it's my fav so far. Solid on imagery and emotion. You're missing hands through most of this, I note. I like having that thread to connect the pieces.
"Distance dissipates" - another interesting little bit.
"Rots the dreaming mind" - wow, strong. :) I like.
Uselessness? That puzzles me a bit, actually.
Congrats, Mike. That's a pretty damn good poem. That took work, I can tell. Good job.
Erica
Comment Written 17-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2011
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Thank you, Erica! Between you and Rama Devi, I have much to think about when I roam back through this (need to take a day or two's break from it!). You always make thoughtful, intelligent suggestions and that's both incredibly helpful and a massive compliment. So glad you enjoyed it :-)
Mike
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
This is certainly a hell of a
nightmare, my friend.
And there's some great lines...
like dark derision, crumpled cardboard
drives a spike of hatred through my soul
Strong use of high-impact verbs throughout
All in all, a most impressive write, Mike.
Margaret
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2011
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This is certainly a hell of a
nightmare, my friend.
And there's some great lines...
like dark derision, crumpled cardboard
drives a spike of hatred through my soul
Strong use of high-impact verbs throughout
All in all, a most impressive write, Mike.
Margaret
Comment Written 17-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2011
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Thank you, Margaret - I'm really glad you liked it :-)
Mike
Comment from rama devi
Wow--what an intense, impressive work. i'm always thrilled to see sonnets from your pen--you;re so creative and unique, and also use this form with musical sensibility and fine phrasing.
Detailed notes (including many praises an a few nits)-
In barren dreams, I suffer endless nights
of dark derision, platitudes unclean,
that beckon blighted, pestilent insights
to rabid filth, befouled beyond obscene.
Outstanding alliteration on B, consonance on R and clever, fresh rhyme pair of obscene and unclean.
I am unsure of the scansion on the word PESTILENT--seems slightly forced but squeezes by.
These devil's tunes, to which I click my heels
with unforced, sly irreverence and fear,
are melodies to rob my fervour's steel
with repetitious horror without peer.
Superb unique phrasing, rhyming and tone as well as assonance on E in every line.
The second line has forced scansion.
And so, as dawn emancipates my thoughts
with fresh arrears to pay as hours caress
all egos as they stroke with passings bought
by purpose, I will finally confess
Nice rhymes and consonance, too.
As this poem is so long, i will not go through the praises line by line but just note any nits, okay? You know i love all your skillful crafting with fresh rhymes, alliteration, assonance, consonance, internal rhyme, simile, imagery, etc.
* I do not think you need the comma here-
begin upon a road, of cars devoid.
* scansion off here, I think-
dark recollections, sight for which I strive
Superb phrasing-
The boxes cannot stay, my panic rides
upon a wave of desperation's clutch.
Illumination fades; I can't abide
the cardboard's droll and dust-affected touch
that drives a spike of hatred through my soul,
and so I flee into the deepest hole.
Here too-
I shriek in fear, protective anger's fate
when rolling rock's behest remains unknown
and all my hope begins to dissipate
as senseless visions will not be outgrown
despite the years that separate their call.
I am a child alone, within the thrall.
Potent phrase-
The victim of a vote I can't abstain.
*
I reach without a hand to grasp a tree(,)
ephemeral as justice wrought in hopes.
No explanation's saving grace for me;
I'm lost between the lines of terror's tropes, (WOW--what a line)
*
that surfs towards a pavement underused (suggest using TOWARD without the 's')
Good enjambment here-
in media and perspicacious lies
to ignorance. I crash upon their shores
and fly across a field of eyes surprised
towards a razor fence on concrete floor. (ditto on TOWARD)
*
Celestial visions no man understands (comma here, maybe?)
bereft of chance, I grasp loss without hands.
Superb phrasing, imagery--
Bereft of chance, I grasp loss without hands,
and plunge into an ocean full of stone.
As gravel fills my lungs and air is sand,
cold rock becomes my world, replacing bone.
Wonderful-
In desperation's lee, and now in verse,
I cast my plea into the world's abyss
to seek a meaning for the universe
as represented by these thoughts amiss
and passionate to steal away my time
upon the dreamscape's clement visual treats.
WOW-
It's helplessness that rots the dreaming mind
and uselessness that every day pre-empts
attempts to find the enemies I fight
in barren dreams. I suffer endless nights.
Superb closing--so powerful, an fine internal rhyming there, too.
As the nits are few and very minor, a rare six stars for this enormous and masterful effort.
WOW.
Kudos, Mike.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2011
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Wow--what an intense, impressive work. i'm always thrilled to see sonnets from your pen--you;re so creative and unique, and also use this form with musical sensibility and fine phrasing.
Detailed notes (including many praises an a few nits)-
In barren dreams, I suffer endless nights
of dark derision, platitudes unclean,
that beckon blighted, pestilent insights
to rabid filth, befouled beyond obscene.
Outstanding alliteration on B, consonance on R and clever, fresh rhyme pair of obscene and unclean.
I am unsure of the scansion on the word PESTILENT--seems slightly forced but squeezes by.
These devil's tunes, to which I click my heels
with unforced, sly irreverence and fear,
are melodies to rob my fervour's steel
with repetitious horror without peer.
Superb unique phrasing, rhyming and tone as well as assonance on E in every line.
The second line has forced scansion.
And so, as dawn emancipates my thoughts
with fresh arrears to pay as hours caress
all egos as they stroke with passings bought
by purpose, I will finally confess
Nice rhymes and consonance, too.
As this poem is so long, i will not go through the praises line by line but just note any nits, okay? You know i love all your skillful crafting with fresh rhymes, alliteration, assonance, consonance, internal rhyme, simile, imagery, etc.
* I do not think you need the comma here-
begin upon a road, of cars devoid.
* scansion off here, I think-
dark recollections, sight for which I strive
Superb phrasing-
The boxes cannot stay, my panic rides
upon a wave of desperation's clutch.
Illumination fades; I can't abide
the cardboard's droll and dust-affected touch
that drives a spike of hatred through my soul,
and so I flee into the deepest hole.
Here too-
I shriek in fear, protective anger's fate
when rolling rock's behest remains unknown
and all my hope begins to dissipate
as senseless visions will not be outgrown
despite the years that separate their call.
I am a child alone, within the thrall.
Potent phrase-
The victim of a vote I can't abstain.
*
I reach without a hand to grasp a tree(,)
ephemeral as justice wrought in hopes.
No explanation's saving grace for me;
I'm lost between the lines of terror's tropes, (WOW--what a line)
*
that surfs towards a pavement underused (suggest using TOWARD without the 's')
Good enjambment here-
in media and perspicacious lies
to ignorance. I crash upon their shores
and fly across a field of eyes surprised
towards a razor fence on concrete floor. (ditto on TOWARD)
*
Celestial visions no man understands (comma here, maybe?)
bereft of chance, I grasp loss without hands.
Superb phrasing, imagery--
Bereft of chance, I grasp loss without hands,
and plunge into an ocean full of stone.
As gravel fills my lungs and air is sand,
cold rock becomes my world, replacing bone.
Wonderful-
In desperation's lee, and now in verse,
I cast my plea into the world's abyss
to seek a meaning for the universe
as represented by these thoughts amiss
and passionate to steal away my time
upon the dreamscape's clement visual treats.
WOW-
It's helplessness that rots the dreaming mind
and uselessness that every day pre-empts
attempts to find the enemies I fight
in barren dreams. I suffer endless nights.
Superb closing--so powerful, an fine internal rhyming there, too.
As the nits are few and very minor, a rare six stars for this enormous and masterful effort.
WOW.
Kudos, Mike.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 17-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2011
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Thank you, RD!!!!! You've been teasing me with near-sixes recently, so I feel like I've really accomplished something here, lol :-). Between you and Rasp E, I have plenty to look at when I run back through this in a few days (I need a break from it right now!). I can't thank you enough for all the detailed help and huge encouragement. I am, as always, massively grateful :-).
Mike
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:-))
Comment from laren
A splendid poem that tells about a recurring dream, the descriptions are excellent and very well written in a style very difficult.
Good work, as well interesting!
Congratulations!
Laren
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2011
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A splendid poem that tells about a recurring dream, the descriptions are excellent and very well written in a style very difficult.
Good work, as well interesting!
Congratulations!
Laren
Comment Written 17-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2011
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Thank you, Laren - what a great review :-)
Mike
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Thank you for sharing Mike, I wish you a great Sunday,
Laren
