Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Part one. Chapter 7"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
91 total reviews
Comment from misscookie
Things are moving well for her and the most important thing is she has a good ,lawyer. I pray that crazy man stays in jail if he doesn't oh boy, you got a lot more writing to do ( smile) Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2011
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Things are moving well for her and the most important thing is she has a good ,lawyer. I pray that crazy man stays in jail if he doesn't oh boy, you got a lot more writing to do ( smile) Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2011
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Bobby does get out of jail. Thank you for your kind review.
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On my goodness I know it!
Comment from livingwords
Great! Really liked it.
Minor Suggestions: Try to avoid Paul being identified as "his dad" since this is not a first person narrative.
Troy took a long drink of coffee then turned and saw (Paul) standing in the doorway. "You always were good at sneaking up on me, dad."
This part confused me because the house, which would be much more important that the car or truck, seems to get dropped:
In the hospital you mentioned the house was inherited."
"It was and Bobby owns his truck. He bought it after we were married. I don't know if he still owes money on it or not."
"Do you want any part of the house or the truck?"
"No. (No - she doesn't want any part of the house!?!) I just want Michael's and my things from the house. As long as I get my car, I don't care about his truck."
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2011
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Great! Really liked it.
Minor Suggestions: Try to avoid Paul being identified as "his dad" since this is not a first person narrative.
Troy took a long drink of coffee then turned and saw (Paul) standing in the doorway. "You always were good at sneaking up on me, dad."
This part confused me because the house, which would be much more important that the car or truck, seems to get dropped:
In the hospital you mentioned the house was inherited."
"It was and Bobby owns his truck. He bought it after we were married. I don't know if he still owes money on it or not."
"Do you want any part of the house or the truck?"
"No. (No - she doesn't want any part of the house!?!) I just want Michael's and my things from the house. As long as I get my car, I don't care about his truck."
Comment Written 16-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2011
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The house was inherited by Bobby before Anna and he were married. I see I need to make that more clear. I get right on that. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from JW
This is a well written chapter. No spags found. It is also very interesting and is a greatly addition to your story. It's good to see things are finally looking up for Anna. JW
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2011
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This is a well written chapter. No spags found. It is also very interesting and is a greatly addition to your story. It's good to see things are finally looking up for Anna. JW
Comment Written 16-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from rawahymis
Another good chapter, Barbara.
I miss the breakfast scene from before, but (sigh), life has to go on.
This is rich with legal jargon, alimony, visits, etc., and gives the unfamiliar reader a good idea about how difficult and messy separation or divorce can be, and the added complication in case of children.
The sense of unity and harmony with the family is beautiful and inspiring.
The community needs to thank you for all your efforts.
Best wishes,
rawahy
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2011
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Another good chapter, Barbara.
I miss the breakfast scene from before, but (sigh), life has to go on.
This is rich with legal jargon, alimony, visits, etc., and gives the unfamiliar reader a good idea about how difficult and messy separation or divorce can be, and the added complication in case of children.
The sense of unity and harmony with the family is beautiful and inspiring.
The community needs to thank you for all your efforts.
Best wishes,
rawahy
Comment Written 16-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from SharonSue
Very good! You have written about a situaion a lot of women have and are going through. You have shown a difficult time for your character but with a lawyer helping her get her self on track, she will soon be living a life that she deserves. Keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2011
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Very good! You have written about a situaion a lot of women have and are going through. You have shown a difficult time for your character but with a lawyer helping her get her self on track, she will soon be living a life that she deserves. Keep up the good work.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Jay Squires
Hi, Barbara. It's been a while. I enjoyed reading this chapter and thanks for sharing.
You've got some good, strong, caring characters in this chapter. They're well defined and fleshed out.
I'm only going to make one overriding comment that you might want to consider. I think it will add a little punch through variety. Take it for what its worth. I'm wrong at least as often as I'm right! I've noticed the stage directions tend toward the simple declarative sentence. "Paul took a sip of coffee." And, "Paul glanced at his watch." These are just random examples. I have no quarrel with them as such. But when there are too many declarative sentences it can tend toward monotony. In the last example, above, you might have said: "I'd better get home," Paul said, glancing at his watch. "Your mom will be wondering about me." These are all judgment calls. I'll not downgrade for them.
The only other thing (in the way of SPAG) is in the "Background": Can they help each other find love, or are their struggles too much. [Needs question-mark]
Again, Barbara, thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Jay
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2011
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Hi, Barbara. It's been a while. I enjoyed reading this chapter and thanks for sharing.
You've got some good, strong, caring characters in this chapter. They're well defined and fleshed out.
I'm only going to make one overriding comment that you might want to consider. I think it will add a little punch through variety. Take it for what its worth. I'm wrong at least as often as I'm right! I've noticed the stage directions tend toward the simple declarative sentence. "Paul took a sip of coffee." And, "Paul glanced at his watch." These are just random examples. I have no quarrel with them as such. But when there are too many declarative sentences it can tend toward monotony. In the last example, above, you might have said: "I'd better get home," Paul said, glancing at his watch. "Your mom will be wondering about me." These are all judgment calls. I'll not downgrade for them.
The only other thing (in the way of SPAG) is in the "Background": Can they help each other find love, or are their struggles too much. [Needs question-mark]
Again, Barbara, thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Jay
Comment Written 16-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2011
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I will considrer your suggestions. The background has not changed for 22 chapters. Thank you for noticing it. I appreciate your kind review.
Comment from K. L. Bauman
I'm so glad you are continuing with this story. So many can become aware and also be helped with situations such as this. I did notice a blooper, which someone else has probably already pointed out. But, just in case; you need quotation marks at (")Betty, make the arrangements for around three o'clock."
Keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2011
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I'm so glad you are continuing with this story. So many can become aware and also be helped with situations such as this. I did notice a blooper, which someone else has probably already pointed out. But, just in case; you need quotation marks at (")Betty, make the arrangements for around three o'clock."
Keep up the good work.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2011
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No one has pointed that one out. Thank you for catching it. I appreciate your kind review.
Comment from egmosley
Barbara,
I have been following Anna--I am glad that she is going to get her divorce and that she has found a very caring attorney with family values--this is a tale of promise--thanks for writing---abused women need to know what to do and that there is help
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2011
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Barbara,
I have been following Anna--I am glad that she is going to get her divorce and that she has found a very caring attorney with family values--this is a tale of promise--thanks for writing---abused women need to know what to do and that there is help
Comment Written 16-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from PrincessinPurple
I am glad Anna is getting away from Bobby. I am glad things are getting better for her. She needed to get out of that relationship. The story is progressing well. Keep up the great story!
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2011
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I am glad Anna is getting away from Bobby. I am glad things are getting better for her. She needed to get out of that relationship. The story is progressing well. Keep up the great story!
Comment Written 16-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from N.K. Wagner
The process continues as Anna is still afraid of her abuser. I'm a bit concened that Paul thinks Bobby will move on to someone else once Anna stands up to him. I don't know the statistics, but estranged and ex-husbands are dangerous even after the divorce, if one believes the stories in the newspapers. So often a woman is killed by an abusive ex-boyfriend/husband. They're walking down a road that is dangerous whichever way one turns. Well done, Barbara. :) Nancy
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2011
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The process continues as Anna is still afraid of her abuser. I'm a bit concened that Paul thinks Bobby will move on to someone else once Anna stands up to him. I don't know the statistics, but estranged and ex-husbands are dangerous even after the divorce, if one believes the stories in the newspapers. So often a woman is killed by an abusive ex-boyfriend/husband. They're walking down a road that is dangerous whichever way one turns. Well done, Barbara. :) Nancy
Comment Written 16-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2011
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I think is wishful thinking here, because we will see more of Bobby. Thank you for your kind review.
