Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "Part 2 Chapter 6"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
89 total reviews
Comment from Connie P
So maybe Troy's aunt has Anna with her, that's my hope. I also hope that stinking Bobby can't win in a charge of kidnapping. I'd say Troy's father has his work cut out for him.
Perfect post, no corrections needed.
Connie
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2011
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So maybe Troy's aunt has Anna with her, that's my hope. I also hope that stinking Bobby can't win in a charge of kidnapping. I'd say Troy's father has his work cut out for him.
Perfect post, no corrections needed.
Connie
Comment Written 30-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and constant support.
Comment from Piggies Grandma
I enjoyed reading this chapter Barbara, it is very interesting and I didn't want it to stop there. It is cleverly written and well thought out. I only have one suggestion:
"to the person the phone" should it be "to the person on the phone"
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2011
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I enjoyed reading this chapter Barbara, it is very interesting and I didn't want it to stop there. It is cleverly written and well thought out. I only have one suggestion:
"to the person the phone" should it be "to the person on the phone"
Comment Written 30-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2011
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I swear when I edit, I read what I think it says not what it actually says. Thank you for catching that. I appreciate your kind review.
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I do that too ... lol ;0)
Comment from Writeaway...
Another excellent job, Barbara, bravo. Your writing is clear, well-written and cleverly constructed, I cannot suggest anything for improvement, an excellent job, keep writing!! :)
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2011
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Another excellent job, Barbara, bravo. Your writing is clear, well-written and cleverly constructed, I cannot suggest anything for improvement, an excellent job, keep writing!! :)
Comment Written 30-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2011
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Thank you for your kind review,
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Ah... now you've left us hanging...
but I fancy I know who it is...
Paul followed, then stopped. "I better see who's on the phone." - suggestion....
Paul followed, then stopped when the phone rang. "I better see who that is."
and the FRA(,) about the bridge.
confortable - typo
comfortable
All right(,) I'll wait
Margaret
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2011
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Ah... now you've left us hanging...
but I fancy I know who it is...
Paul followed, then stopped. "I better see who's on the phone." - suggestion....
Paul followed, then stopped when the phone rang. "I better see who that is."
and the FRA(,) about the bridge.
confortable - typo
comfortable
All right(,) I'll wait
Margaret
Comment Written 30-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and I made the changes.
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Thanks for letting me know you've made changes :)
First review FOUR stars)
Hi dear B.
This is another good chapter. As usual, you excel in authentic sounding dialog and superb closing hooks. Good pacing, too. Your writing is always easy to read and to visualize the scenes. Characterization seems good, too. Can't comment on plot until I've read more.
Detailed Reviewing notes-
*Troy (had)just finished eating dinner with his parents,(n0 ,) when he learned that Ellen Collier was part of an underground safehaven for abused women and their children.
Also, consider trimming the word THAT, which is not wrong, but also not essential to the sentence.
*
Now(,) for today's post: (optional comma)
*
"Dad, you're retired and have been for a few years."
This seems slightly wordy for the situation. Suggestion: "Dad, you've been retired for years."
*
"I've kept my paperwork up-to-date just in case a situation arose that I wanted to get back in the courtroom. This is just that case.
Since you use the word JUST in the second sentence, i suggest trimming out of the first one--
"I've kept my paperwork up-to-date in case a situation arose that I wanted to get back in the courtroom. This is just that case.
*
"That(,) plus I'm pretty sure part of his bail agreement was to stay away from Anna.
*
The following morning before the sun had completely risen;(,) Troy sat in his office and stared at the phone, willing it to ring.
* This is slightly wordy, especially repeating the word coffee. Consider trimming:
When it didn't, he opened a manila folder and shuffled the papers. He made himself a pot of coffee, washed his cup, and waited for the coffee. After he poured a cup, he took a sip.
Suggest:
When it didn't, he opened a manila folder and shuffled the papers. He made himself a pot of coffee, washed his cup, and waited. He poured a cup, and sipped.
*
While Troy waited for his aunt, he paced the lobby floor.
The reader already knows from the hone call that he is waiting for his aunt. So I suggest trimming this to:
Troy paced the lobby floor.
*
Before he could say anything she asked, "Are you sure you're alone.(?)"
Good work--just needs fine tuning in some spots.
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2011
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Second review
Thanks for letting me know you've made changes :)
First review FOUR stars)
Hi dear B.
This is another good chapter. As usual, you excel in authentic sounding dialog and superb closing hooks. Good pacing, too. Your writing is always easy to read and to visualize the scenes. Characterization seems good, too. Can't comment on plot until I've read more.
Detailed Reviewing notes-
*Troy (had)just finished eating dinner with his parents,(n0 ,) when he learned that Ellen Collier was part of an underground safehaven for abused women and their children.
Also, consider trimming the word THAT, which is not wrong, but also not essential to the sentence.
*
Now(,) for today's post: (optional comma)
*
"Dad, you're retired and have been for a few years."
This seems slightly wordy for the situation. Suggestion: "Dad, you've been retired for years."
*
"I've kept my paperwork up-to-date just in case a situation arose that I wanted to get back in the courtroom. This is just that case.
Since you use the word JUST in the second sentence, i suggest trimming out of the first one--
"I've kept my paperwork up-to-date in case a situation arose that I wanted to get back in the courtroom. This is just that case.
*
"That(,) plus I'm pretty sure part of his bail agreement was to stay away from Anna.
*
The following morning before the sun had completely risen;(,) Troy sat in his office and stared at the phone, willing it to ring.
* This is slightly wordy, especially repeating the word coffee. Consider trimming:
When it didn't, he opened a manila folder and shuffled the papers. He made himself a pot of coffee, washed his cup, and waited for the coffee. After he poured a cup, he took a sip.
Suggest:
When it didn't, he opened a manila folder and shuffled the papers. He made himself a pot of coffee, washed his cup, and waited. He poured a cup, and sipped.
*
While Troy waited for his aunt, he paced the lobby floor.
The reader already knows from the hone call that he is waiting for his aunt. So I suggest trimming this to:
Troy paced the lobby floor.
*
Before he could say anything she asked, "Are you sure you're alone.(?)"
Good work--just needs fine tuning in some spots.
Love,
rd
Comment Written 30-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2011
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Ihave made a hard copy of the suggestions, so I don't miss any and am off to make the corrections. Thank you for the kind review.
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Thanks dear. you are welcome! ;-) Warmly, rd
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All the changes have been made.
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Thanks dear--On my way---
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Margaret,
Excellent hook at the end of that chapter, I just hope that Troy's father has managed to clip the wings of Bobby's lawyer and the drunken bums case. Otherwise I can see the Police turning up to arrest the victim and place her child in the care of moron social workers ...
Nicely done.
Patrick
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2011
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Hi Margaret,
Excellent hook at the end of that chapter, I just hope that Troy's father has managed to clip the wings of Bobby's lawyer and the drunken bums case. Otherwise I can see the Police turning up to arrest the victim and place her child in the care of moron social workers ...
Nicely done.
Patrick
Comment Written 30-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Barbara:)
It's interesting how people are drawn into situations just because they care about justice. That seems to be the case with Paul, although he barely knows Anna and Troy denies any involvement other than concern for her safety, Paul has decided to come out of retirement to represent her to protect her rights and keep her safe. I'm anxious to see how that part of the story works out.
Now Troy's aunt has given him a mysterious call and wants to come by his office. Aunt Margaret shows up with a visitor who waits outside until it is certain that Troy is alone. Why the secrecy? Does she have Anna with her? You have created a great cliffhanger with this SPAG-free post. Don't make me wait too long.
Love and Irish hugs,
Roger
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2011
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Hi Barbara:)
It's interesting how people are drawn into situations just because they care about justice. That seems to be the case with Paul, although he barely knows Anna and Troy denies any involvement other than concern for her safety, Paul has decided to come out of retirement to represent her to protect her rights and keep her safe. I'm anxious to see how that part of the story works out.
Now Troy's aunt has given him a mysterious call and wants to come by his office. Aunt Margaret shows up with a visitor who waits outside until it is certain that Troy is alone. Why the secrecy? Does she have Anna with her? You have created a great cliffhanger with this SPAG-free post. Don't make me wait too long.
Love and Irish hugs,
Roger
Comment Written 30-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from glpar
I'm thinking Aunt Margaret has Anna and I'm hoping I'm right. I was glad to see that Troy's dad stepped up to be Anna's lawyer, but not surprised. It sounds like she has a good support system building to help her. Well written and I see no problems.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2011
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I'm thinking Aunt Margaret has Anna and I'm hoping I'm right. I was glad to see that Troy's dad stepped up to be Anna's lawyer, but not surprised. It sounds like she has a good support system building to help her. Well written and I see no problems.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from ulster3
WOW! Barbara...
That is a great hanger for the following chapter. I wonder if Anna has been hiding out with Auntie? Nah! I don't think that's it. Well done, you have me anxious to find out what is going on.
Warmly, Rebecca
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2011
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WOW! Barbara...
That is a great hanger for the following chapter. I wonder if Anna has been hiding out with Auntie? Nah! I don't think that's it. Well done, you have me anxious to find out what is going on.
Warmly, Rebecca
Comment Written 30-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Chris Tee
Wow!! Now you left the suspense for the next part.
I cannot wait for you to post the next part to see what Troy's aunt is up to.
Well written as always and I like how you puy thoughts into italic.
Thank you Barbara for another pleasant read.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2011
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Wow!! Now you left the suspense for the next part.
I cannot wait for you to post the next part to see what Troy's aunt is up to.
Well written as always and I like how you puy thoughts into italic.
Thank you Barbara for another pleasant read.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
