Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "Part 2 Chapter 6"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
89 total reviews
Comment from nora arjuna
barb, check this part:
He made himself a pot of coffee, washed his cup, and waited. [After he poured a cup and sipped]. "Ouch that's hot." - that looks like an unfinished sentence. did you mean 'Afterward'?
this part:
As he stood on the sidewalk and inserted the key to the business' main door, the phone rang. Troy rushed in and grabbed it. "Hello." He listened, then replied, "Aunt Margaret, is something wrong?" This is strange. "Yes, the office is empty and yes, I'll wait until you arrive. Are you sure you're all right? I can come to you." After a long silence, Troy said, "All right I'll wait here." What is going on?
as we are in troy's pov, shouldn't we be able to listen to the other person's voice at the other end? just a thought.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2011
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barb, check this part:
He made himself a pot of coffee, washed his cup, and waited. [After he poured a cup and sipped]. "Ouch that's hot." - that looks like an unfinished sentence. did you mean 'Afterward'?
this part:
As he stood on the sidewalk and inserted the key to the business' main door, the phone rang. Troy rushed in and grabbed it. "Hello." He listened, then replied, "Aunt Margaret, is something wrong?" This is strange. "Yes, the office is empty and yes, I'll wait until you arrive. Are you sure you're all right? I can come to you." After a long silence, Troy said, "All right I'll wait here." What is going on?
as we are in troy's pov, shouldn't we be able to listen to the other person's voice at the other end? just a thought.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2011
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I have been gigged before for having us hear the voice on the other end. That's why I didn't. I don't know. Thank you for the kind review.
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if we're writing from the person's head, we hear what he hears. anyway, that's how i see it. there could be different styles.
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I honestly don't know.
Comment from iwroteit
I like how you interject Troy's thoughts throughout the story. Even from this short excerpt I quickly grasped the situation and the characters. Nice cliffhanger ending, mission accomplished- I want to know more. Amy
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2011
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I like how you interject Troy's thoughts throughout the story. Even from this short excerpt I quickly grasped the situation and the characters. Nice cliffhanger ending, mission accomplished- I want to know more. Amy
Comment Written 02-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2011
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If you want to know more, nice cliffhanger, and you quckly grasped the situation, why did I receive a four. I am curious. I don't know what to fix. Thank you for your review.
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I just started yesterday,I reviewed the star ratings and you're right I should have given you a five star.I stand corrected - there is nothing to fix. My apologies
Comment from Joan E.
I like the revelation that Paul has kept his attorney's license active and has been waiting for a case like this. I liked your use of italics for inner thoughts and your building suspense at the end of the chapter and leaving us to guess who the "someone" might be... -Joan
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2011
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I like the revelation that Paul has kept his attorney's license active and has been waiting for a case like this. I liked your use of italics for inner thoughts and your building suspense at the end of the chapter and leaving us to guess who the "someone" might be... -Joan
Comment Written 02-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Changeisgood
Barbara, There is enough tension in this story to keep reader's alert and interested. This is the first chapter I read but I get the situation. You really create a cliff hanger with this ending. I don't know enough about his aunt to know if she would betray him or bring Anna in. I guess that's what the next chapter is about. Didn't see any technical errors. I looked.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2011
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Barbara, There is enough tension in this story to keep reader's alert and interested. This is the first chapter I read but I get the situation. You really create a cliff hanger with this ending. I don't know enough about his aunt to know if she would betray him or bring Anna in. I guess that's what the next chapter is about. Didn't see any technical errors. I looked.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from PrincessinPurple
This is a good chapter. I like story, it's getting better. You do leave it for a good cliffhanger. I have an idea the person with Margaret is Anna.
Keep up the great writing.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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This is a good chapter. I like story, it's getting better. You do leave it for a good cliffhanger. I have an idea the person with Margaret is Anna.
Keep up the great writing.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
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Your welcome.
Comment from robyn corum
I enjoyed reading your excerpt. I appreciate the fact that you are using your talent to help others. It's a wonderful cause - good for you! I thought that your dialogue was believable, though your story could have been fleshed out a bit more (?) Remember to allow your characters to use all of their five senses - so that your reader 'falls in' to the story with them.
Thanks for sharing!
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reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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I enjoyed reading your excerpt. I appreciate the fact that you are using your talent to help others. It's a wonderful cause - good for you! I thought that your dialogue was believable, though your story could have been fleshed out a bit more (?) Remember to allow your characters to use all of their five senses - so that your reader 'falls in' to the story with them.
Thanks for sharing!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from jclark
Thanks for writing a cliff hanger here. lol As always, I continue to be intrigued and drawn into the story hoping for a happy ending.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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Thanks for writing a cliff hanger here. lol As always, I continue to be intrigued and drawn into the story hoping for a happy ending.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Fluffyhead
Very good pacing. Good choice of language and the writing flows. Even with the subject matter not overly heavy handed. I like that you put the number at the bottom of the screen. Most abusers are control freaks.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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Very good pacing. Good choice of language and the writing flows. Even with the subject matter not overly heavy handed. I like that you put the number at the bottom of the screen. Most abusers are control freaks.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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Thank you for going back and seeing what you've missed.
Comment from Dave M
Barbara,
I wonder who Auntie Margaret brought along... I enjoyed this chapter and couldn't find anything to criticize.
Dave
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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Barbara,
I wonder who Auntie Margaret brought along... I enjoyed this chapter and couldn't find anything to criticize.
Dave
Comment Written 30-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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Thank you for your review and support.
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
barbara:
Seems Anna may have found Aunt Margaret, eh? There comes a
time when one is running when he/she realizes running is
not the answer and the best thing to do is to rely on any
help he/she has been offered. It is good Anna knows such a
person.
Thanks for sharing
love,
jan
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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barbara:
Seems Anna may have found Aunt Margaret, eh? There comes a
time when one is running when he/she realizes running is
not the answer and the best thing to do is to rely on any
help he/she has been offered. It is good Anna knows such a
person.
Thanks for sharing
love,
jan
Comment Written 30-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
