Steve's Story-Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Grampus Saves the World"A collection of my poems
74 total reviews
Comment from marycec
A very witty though serious comment on how our species is endangering the whole planet. A novel approach to get the message across in the words of Grampus and his fishy friends.great rhyme and rhythm patterns throughout.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2013
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A very witty though serious comment on how our species is endangering the whole planet. A novel approach to get the message across in the words of Grampus and his fishy friends.great rhyme and rhythm patterns throughout.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2013
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Thank you!
Steve
Comment from Deborah Marie
What a wonderfully humorous poem. Most fitting for the contest you entered. Just love the way the opinion of your animal is stated. Nice progression, rhythm and flow for an excellent read.
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2013
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What a wonderfully humorous poem. Most fitting for the contest you entered. Just love the way the opinion of your animal is stated. Nice progression, rhythm and flow for an excellent read.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2013
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Thanks for the great review and the six stars.
I'm guessing you've come to this via the Gertrude Contest page - if, so, good luck with that. pity I can't re-post Grampus as an entry!
Steve
Comment from rosehill (Wendy)
Hello again, Now that I'm trying to catch up on my reviewing I plan to be a regular pest if you keep posting. Your humor again shines through the serious message, making it quite a memorable and palatable fish story. Your rhymes are inspired and the story flow is good. If I have any quibble, it is with the shifts in rhythm, which I think you could go in and fix with little or no trouble. It is also a great read aloud! - Wendy
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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Hello again, Now that I'm trying to catch up on my reviewing I plan to be a regular pest if you keep posting. Your humor again shines through the serious message, making it quite a memorable and palatable fish story. Your rhymes are inspired and the story flow is good. If I have any quibble, it is with the shifts in rhythm, which I think you could go in and fix with little or no trouble. It is also a great read aloud! - Wendy
Comment Written 10-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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Thanks, Wendy.
This started off as a bit of rhyming sillness and then found its way into being something a little more serious or at least a mixture of silly with a message.
Steve
Comment from Hollyhock
So glad you revived this one. There is a good story line in an appropriate form and also a very real message for all of us. A great pity that the politicians do not really take on board the necessity of doing more to try to put matters right/at least improve things before more species of flora and fauna are lost for ever.
The real impact for me was that much of the poem was in direct speech, this gives such immediacy and involvement to the reader.
Lots and lots of amusing comments "...being such lazy lubbers/ We lost thgem in our blubbers" -"Now the climate's getting warmer/ Than the curry known as kurma" - "So the whale and fishy kin-folk/Forme a league of fishy fin-folk".
I also loved your choice of word combinations "Mighty mammoths"- "frigid waters" - "chemicals immoral" - "situation critical" - These are just a few but they all have either alliteration, assonance or rhythmic patterning which add so much to the "feel" and humour of the poem.
Excellently crafted, great read.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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So glad you revived this one. There is a good story line in an appropriate form and also a very real message for all of us. A great pity that the politicians do not really take on board the necessity of doing more to try to put matters right/at least improve things before more species of flora and fauna are lost for ever.
The real impact for me was that much of the poem was in direct speech, this gives such immediacy and involvement to the reader.
Lots and lots of amusing comments "...being such lazy lubbers/ We lost thgem in our blubbers" -"Now the climate's getting warmer/ Than the curry known as kurma" - "So the whale and fishy kin-folk/Forme a league of fishy fin-folk".
I also loved your choice of word combinations "Mighty mammoths"- "frigid waters" - "chemicals immoral" - "situation critical" - These are just a few but they all have either alliteration, assonance or rhythmic patterning which add so much to the "feel" and humour of the poem.
Excellently crafted, great read.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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And thank you again for another comprehensive review and a galaxy of stars.
This is one of my personal favourites for its mix of fun with serious undertones. Again I recall I had no idea where this was heading when I penned the first few lines - it just headed off in that environmental direction.
Steve
Comment from Selina Stambi
Said the Walrus to the Carpenter .....
This has such a melding of "The Flattered Flying Fish" (E.V. Rieu) and Lewis Carroll.
A really enjoyable read, PP, with flawless rhyme, rhythm and metre.
Love the reference to the korma.
Hurrah for Grampus!!! :)
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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Said the Walrus to the Carpenter .....
This has such a melding of "The Flattered Flying Fish" (E.V. Rieu) and Lewis Carroll.
A really enjoyable read, PP, with flawless rhyme, rhythm and metre.
Love the reference to the korma.
Hurrah for Grampus!!! :)
Comment Written 03-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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Thank you.
I had not heard of the flying fish poem (or its writer, alas) but I soon found it on gGoogle - Yes, the whimsical tone and colloquial language ring a bell. I wonder how many stars he would have got if he'd posted it on FanStory.....
Steve
Comment from Cornelius2000
It's obvious that you had a good time with this one. Nice job with the meter, which reads well, and the very clever rhyming. I especially enjoyed your last line, "For at last the fishy folk were flying free." And I learned a new word, "ruction," which I had to look up. Might come in handy some day!
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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It's obvious that you had a good time with this one. Nice job with the meter, which reads well, and the very clever rhyming. I especially enjoyed your last line, "For at last the fishy folk were flying free." And I learned a new word, "ruction," which I had to look up. Might come in handy some day!
Comment Written 02-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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Yes, this was a bit of fun and then it took off with an environmental theme - I never know where these pieces are going to end up when the first lines come spewing out.....
Steve
Comment from rama devi
This should be published!!!! Bravo. Superb creative originality and what powerful thematic substance--highly relevant. Love the bouncy, whimsical tone and style.
Remarkably original rhyming
Superbly musical timing
Exceptional designing
With all animals aligning...
The minimal punctuation style suits this well. It is easy to read. I have one (OPTIONAL) suggestion:
Their Mission Statement simply(:) 'Save the World!'
Rather than applaud each an every nuance of masterfully crafted poetic devices like alliteration, internal rhyme, consonance and assonance (as it would take along time and include almost all lines), I'll simply quote my favorite parts with standing ovations:
When the great cetacean army
Reached latitudes more balmy
The patriarch once more began to speak,
Though I feel I'm in a sauna
And there's unfamiliar fauna
I've failed to find the flying-fish I seek."
and
"I am feeling rather bitter
'Cos there is one other critter
Who I'm blaming for the failure of my search
He's the one who bleached the coral
With his chemicals immoral,
He's the one who left the oceans in the lurch."
And this proximal-rhyme pair:
"Now the climate's getting warmer
Than the curry known as korma---(ROTFL!)
This rhyme pair too:
"By Pluto, Mars and Venus,
Man's a very silly genus;
And this:
Now the pride of the cetaceans
Leads the great United Nations,
oh--one more tiny suggestion:
He'd destroy his home sweet home and ours as well
He'd destroy his home-sweet-home--and ours as well
hyphens are optional, as is the dash. I think the dash serves as dramatic pause. Just a thought.
Pitch perfect closing:
Where he cruised the great Atlantic
On a tide of joy gigantic,
For at last the fishy folk were flying free.
Thanks for re-posting this gem.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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This should be published!!!! Bravo. Superb creative originality and what powerful thematic substance--highly relevant. Love the bouncy, whimsical tone and style.
Remarkably original rhyming
Superbly musical timing
Exceptional designing
With all animals aligning...
The minimal punctuation style suits this well. It is easy to read. I have one (OPTIONAL) suggestion:
Their Mission Statement simply(:) 'Save the World!'
Rather than applaud each an every nuance of masterfully crafted poetic devices like alliteration, internal rhyme, consonance and assonance (as it would take along time and include almost all lines), I'll simply quote my favorite parts with standing ovations:
When the great cetacean army
Reached latitudes more balmy
The patriarch once more began to speak,
Though I feel I'm in a sauna
And there's unfamiliar fauna
I've failed to find the flying-fish I seek."
and
"I am feeling rather bitter
'Cos there is one other critter
Who I'm blaming for the failure of my search
He's the one who bleached the coral
With his chemicals immoral,
He's the one who left the oceans in the lurch."
And this proximal-rhyme pair:
"Now the climate's getting warmer
Than the curry known as korma---(ROTFL!)
This rhyme pair too:
"By Pluto, Mars and Venus,
Man's a very silly genus;
And this:
Now the pride of the cetaceans
Leads the great United Nations,
oh--one more tiny suggestion:
He'd destroy his home sweet home and ours as well
He'd destroy his home-sweet-home--and ours as well
hyphens are optional, as is the dash. I think the dash serves as dramatic pause. Just a thought.
Pitch perfect closing:
Where he cruised the great Atlantic
On a tide of joy gigantic,
For at last the fishy folk were flying free.
Thanks for re-posting this gem.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 01-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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Rama, thanks so much for your thorough review and of course the six stars - I guess you missed this the first time around!
As you can tell I had a lot of fun with it and as usual with my pieces, I had no idea when I set out, where I was going to end up. The environmental theme which is such a big feature was actually an afterthought! and who knew that my sickly, wheezing old whale would lead the United nations?!
Steve
Comment from bayoupoet
This is a very interesting and well written poem with humor and profound imagery. Your rhyme is great. It is a pleasure reading this poem. Good luck in the writing prompt contest!
sandra
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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This is a very interesting and well written poem with humor and profound imagery. Your rhyme is great. It is a pleasure reading this poem. Good luck in the writing prompt contest!
sandra
Comment Written 01-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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Thank you.
Steve
Comment from Adri7enne
Such great rhymes and rhythms. It just bounces along with lots of humour and a healthy helping of caution. It's crazy for sure, how we disrespect our only habitable home, polluting our great oceans. I love the way you say all that. Thanks for giving me the pleasure of starting the day with a grin. Well done, Steveh.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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Such great rhymes and rhythms. It just bounces along with lots of humour and a healthy helping of caution. It's crazy for sure, how we disrespect our only habitable home, polluting our great oceans. I love the way you say all that. Thanks for giving me the pleasure of starting the day with a grin. Well done, Steveh.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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Thank you.
This started off as just a bit of fun and picked up the environmental theme along the way.
Steve
Comment from visionary1234
oh you gorgeous curmudgeon! I LOVE this one - so glad to see you're the first to 'dust off' some oldies. I've been here less than 2 years, so mine will just have to stay dusty I'm afraid. Do you perform these pieces live, I HOPE!! YOU SHOULD! love (and am violently jealous of) your fabulous sense of rhythm Steve!
:)Sharyn
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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oh you gorgeous curmudgeon! I LOVE this one - so glad to see you're the first to 'dust off' some oldies. I've been here less than 2 years, so mine will just have to stay dusty I'm afraid. Do you perform these pieces live, I HOPE!! YOU SHOULD! love (and am violently jealous of) your fabulous sense of rhythm Steve!
:)Sharyn
Comment Written 01-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2013
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Now watch who you're calling a curmudgeon!
I'm not much of a performer, alas. The only occasion I have read a poem in public was when I was living in Gordonvale and I wrote a piece about the annual Pyramid race. I was invited to read it before the start of the race, but all the spectators took off to grab good positions to see the race start so I read to an audience of about three - my wife and two loyal friends!
Steve
