Steve's Story-Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "The Old Man's Secret"A collection of my poems
17 total reviews
Comment from juliaSjames
I don't know the original joke. But this is a genuinely funny, well structured poem. Excellent rhyme and slant rhyme - I thought "schnapps/lapse" was brilliant. Fantastic meter allows this verse to swing to its engaging twist finale.
Excellent write!
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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I don't know the original joke. But this is a genuinely funny, well structured poem. Excellent rhyme and slant rhyme - I thought "schnapps/lapse" was brilliant. Fantastic meter allows this verse to swing to its engaging twist finale.
Excellent write!
Comment Written 09-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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Thank you - Six stars! Much appreciated.
For some reason this hasn't gone down well when I've read it to people - punchline not signalled well enough perhaps....
Steve
More effective absorbed silently, I imagine. Or could be that I have a warped sense of humour, nurtured by Fawlty Towers and the British version of The office. :-))
Comment from jehanned
I admit I do not know the joke, but find the poem amusing just the same. The things we can learn from others are plentiful, but someone still learns it the hard way.
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2011
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I admit I do not know the joke, but find the poem amusing just the same. The things we can learn from others are plentiful, but someone still learns it the hard way.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2011
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Thank you - I am not sure which of the two old men you think learned a lesson here....
Steve
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Er, maybe I missed something. I thought that the younger man learned that lesson through watching his father...
Comment from Inge_Meldgaard
:D I haven't heard the joke, so enjoyed this as a fresh piece of humour. Very, very well done! Wish my brain could think along these lines!!
Typo: port."
You don't need the " here :}
No gin, no beer, no rum, no schnapps;
* Suggest: ..... nor schnapps;
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2011
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:D I haven't heard the joke, so enjoyed this as a fresh piece of humour. Very, very well done! Wish my brain could think along these lines!!
Typo: port."
You don't need the " here :}
No gin, no beer, no rum, no schnapps;
* Suggest: ..... nor schnapps;
Comment Written 08-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2011
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Thanks for the review, Inge, and the spag alert.
Steve
Comment from the blue pixel
Now I know what barking dog (Ellen) was talking about when she reviewed my poem The Hypochondriac in which a man lives to 100 and being a hypo-has "I told you I was sick" on his tombstone (an old joke). She thought we must be in cahoots but I hadn't read this poem yet. Very funny Steve. Love your list of drinks and I hope you are right as I don't drink at all. I'll let you know when I reach my 100th birthday. xx Pix
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2011
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Now I know what barking dog (Ellen) was talking about when she reviewed my poem The Hypochondriac in which a man lives to 100 and being a hypo-has "I told you I was sick" on his tombstone (an old joke). She thought we must be in cahoots but I hadn't read this poem yet. Very funny Steve. Love your list of drinks and I hope you are right as I don't drink at all. I'll let you know when I reach my 100th birthday. xx Pix
Comment Written 08-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2011
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Only slightly in cahoots, because I may have been looking at your poem when the idea came for this one - not sure if I reviewed yours yet.
And you may wish to take up drinking again so you can live to be as old as the drunk old father!
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I NEVER drank. When I was singing for a living and saw some of the biggest names stoned and drunk just to be able to get on stage, it must have turned me right off. Good night Steve.
Comment from KiwiGal
Thank goodness I found the time for a quick look-see in my Messages (HUGELY busy this week with the house I look after preparing for the son's wedding). "Ah', I said to myself: 'Let's pick Steve's - I need a laugh'.
And so I did.
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2011
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Thank goodness I found the time for a quick look-see in my Messages (HUGELY busy this week with the house I look after preparing for the son's wedding). "Ah', I said to myself: 'Let's pick Steve's - I need a laugh'.
And so I did.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2011
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Thanks. Thought I hadn't seen you around.
This was just a sudden impulse, as I saw someone else's poem based around an old joke - could be a rich source of material I suppose
Comment from writerwish
This is funny and did not expect such a funny ending. I liked the phrase: Geriatric glow. Great rhyme too even with the unusual words to do it with.
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2011
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This is funny and did not expect such a funny ending. I liked the phrase: Geriatric glow. Great rhyme too even with the unusual words to do it with.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2011
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Thank you. I tried reading it to someone today and they just looked blank when I got to the punchline - maybe it's better on paper...
Comment from WilliamDeen
Cute wonderful poem. Great rhyming! I liked the ending; how funny is that?
I like when poems tell stories and yours told a great one! Thanks, Pamela
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2011
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Cute wonderful poem. Great rhyming! I liked the ending; how funny is that?
I like when poems tell stories and yours told a great one! Thanks, Pamela
Comment Written 07-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2011
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Yes, it's a nice joke, and it fell into place nicely as a poem, but I read it to a couple of people today and they just looked blank at the punchline - not sure why it doesn't seem to work...
Steve
Comment from adewpearl
I love how you work the names of various alcoholic beverages into the meter and rhyme of your poem :-)
Oh, the punch line is just hysterical! A fun poem in strong rhyming copulets :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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I love how you work the names of various alcoholic beverages into the meter and rhyme of your poem :-)
Oh, the punch line is just hysterical! A fun poem in strong rhyming copulets :-) Brooke
Comment Written 07-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Thanks, brooke.
I can't take too much credit for the punchline unfortunately. I;ll have to see if I can remember any more old jokes to 'poemise'...
'Copulets' - weren't they those guys fighting with the Montages? :o)
Steve
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well, of course that's who the copulets were! And then they went and copulated with the wrong family and all hell broke loose. LOL :-)
Comment from moyramouse
You have done this old joke proud and given it a fabulous face lift. It reads so well aloud, in fact it is begging to be performed rather than read silently.
Good Old George- happy birthday and it looks like there may be many more if he follows in his father's footsteps ( or is dad well and truly pickled!) xxmouse
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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You have done this old joke proud and given it a fabulous face lift. It reads so well aloud, in fact it is begging to be performed rather than read silently.
Good Old George- happy birthday and it looks like there may be many more if he follows in his father's footsteps ( or is dad well and truly pickled!) xxmouse
Comment Written 07-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Thanks, mouse.
I think I know who's had the most fun in his life!
Steve
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DAD!!!!!! I'm with him too, let's have another glass of wine.xx
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DAD!!!!!! I'm with him too, let's have another glass of wine.xx
Comment from jackpeg
Wonderfully humorous! Way too little of it found on this site. I had a slight interpretation problem with line one. "One hundred years Old George achieved." The first four words reads like a complete phrase, when actually you mean to say, "One hundred years," and the word "Old" is part of George's title. Not difficult to fix if you think it worth the effort. The rhyming pair, "Schnapps/lapse" does not rhyme here in the U.S., but I can see how it would work in Australia or N.Z. Your story line and use of relevant vocabulary is terrific.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Wonderfully humorous! Way too little of it found on this site. I had a slight interpretation problem with line one. "One hundred years Old George achieved." The first four words reads like a complete phrase, when actually you mean to say, "One hundred years," and the word "Old" is part of George's title. Not difficult to fix if you think it worth the effort. The rhyming pair, "Schnapps/lapse" does not rhyme here in the U.S., but I can see how it would work in Australia or N.Z. Your story line and use of relevant vocabulary is terrific.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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You Americans are a weird mob (my in-joke there - 'They're a Weird Mob' is a well known book here - Italian immigrant's take on Aussie life) - how can you possibly not rhyme lapse/Schnapps???
I will shove a comma in the first line, thanks.
Do I detect that you grow weary of what I call the 'Praise-the-Lords'?
Steve
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The reason we cannot rhyme lapse/Schnapps is because we pronounce the former with a short "a" like the "a" in "sap." We pronounce the German beer with a broad "a" as in SchnAWpps. All very correct in the right places, you know, ol' chap. I have yet to "grow weary" over anything you written and I don't remember any "Praise-the-Lords." Besides, why would I mind praise for Him who made heaven and earth and paid for my sins? Maybe your detector is out of whack.
