New day
About new day.15 total reviews
Comment from Daniel Dean Young
This is a good piece of work and the only reason I rated it three instead of a five star is the second line is eight syllables. Perhaps drop the cute or the short and then it would be really good. 5-7-5 are challenge aren't they? good luck.
dy
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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This is a good piece of work and the only reason I rated it three instead of a five star is the second line is eight syllables. Perhaps drop the cute or the short and then it would be really good. 5-7-5 are challenge aren't they? good luck.
dy
Comment Written 07-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Thanks. I will take time and think how to make a change
Comment from ldykaty
I've read this a number of times. The last line does not seem to fit the second. Maybe you can try some other words for the last word. I used "fate" it seemed to read easier.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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I've read this a number of times. The last line does not seem to fit the second. Maybe you can try some other words for the last word. I used "fate" it seemed to read easier.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Thank you for opinion. I will check if I get a word which will keep the meaning same and make a change.
Comment from tamarap2
Mmm? I'm wondering if you might do better if you go with a longer free-verse. I understand that would not be in keeping with the contest guide lines, but with this piece...the message may need more than a 5/7/5 format. That way you can provide the reader with some imagery. Paint a picture of why the new day is great. The last two lines are very mysterious. I'm not quite sure what you are getting at...a short cute debate? But still don't try rate. I'd at least put a comma after try. Don't try what? I just don't understand this piece. Perhaps, if you offered up some clarity to the reader and some imagery, too. Don't forget the imagery. With imagery, we can better understand why the new day is great. As is, it can be great for a million different reasons. Just hang in there with it. You can always do some revisions. I think it's great you entered a contest. I hope I have been of some help. Keep writing. You can learn so much on this site. I sure have. Tamara
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reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Mmm? I'm wondering if you might do better if you go with a longer free-verse. I understand that would not be in keeping with the contest guide lines, but with this piece...the message may need more than a 5/7/5 format. That way you can provide the reader with some imagery. Paint a picture of why the new day is great. The last two lines are very mysterious. I'm not quite sure what you are getting at...a short cute debate? But still don't try rate. I'd at least put a comma after try. Don't try what? I just don't understand this piece. Perhaps, if you offered up some clarity to the reader and some imagery, too. Don't forget the imagery. With imagery, we can better understand why the new day is great. As is, it can be great for a million different reasons. Just hang in there with it. You can always do some revisions. I think it's great you entered a contest. I hope I have been of some help. Keep writing. You can learn so much on this site. I sure have. Tamara
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Thank you for giving your suggestions. Actually it a row lines for the contest. I am writing the whole poem this days. I will consider your points. I am a starter so will need some time to learn more. But I really appreciate your straight forward way of telling my weak points. I will work on them. Thanks once again.
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You are absolutely more than welcome. I look forward to reading more of it when you complete the full piece. Actually, I've never heard of row lines- only 5/7/5 poetry, haiku, and senyrus. Maybe you can teach me something new as well. Tamara
Comment from Maureen's Pen
I liked the underlying message here ....fitted Well with the 5-7-5 profile needed. Good luck in the contest.
Thanks for sharing this work.
I enjoyed it.
Maureen
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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I liked the underlying message here ....fitted Well with the 5-7-5 profile needed. Good luck in the contest.
Thanks for sharing this work.
I enjoyed it.
Maureen
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Thank you for appreciating. I took sometime to find a good topic and make it fit in 5-7-5.
Comment from 7thpoet
I slipped you a five star because simple errors are to be subtlety mentioned and not made public with screams and bad ratings. Fix the 8 syllable count in line two and all is well.
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reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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I slipped you a five star because simple errors are to be subtlety mentioned and not made public with screams and bad ratings. Fix the 8 syllable count in line two and all is well.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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Thank you very much for appreciation. I never took challenges and Im messy with spelling. Thank you for finding mistake.
