Steve's Story-Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Smiler Jack"A collection of my poems
75 total reviews
Comment from nancyjam
Had to give this one a six. Terrific story.
Uplifting ending for sure.
Your rhyme and meter are well crafted and I like
the message within the lines.
I really enjoyed your story. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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Had to give this one a six. Terrific story.
Uplifting ending for sure.
Your rhyme and meter are well crafted and I like
the message within the lines.
I really enjoyed your story. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 29-May-2011
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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Thank you so much for the Six Stars - I appreciate it!
glad you enjoyed the story and the message.
Comment from the blue pixel
Great Aussie story and could well be the lyrics to a sad country song. Even has a dog. I couuldn't help but think I had read something about a smiling Jack before or perhaps, this is just such a typical Aussie hard luck story with a happy ending but either way, it's a great story, told in your usual flowing style that takes the reader every step of the way. Youu take us through al the emotions in this one Steve. xx Pix
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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Great Aussie story and could well be the lyrics to a sad country song. Even has a dog. I couuldn't help but think I had read something about a smiling Jack before or perhaps, this is just such a typical Aussie hard luck story with a happy ending but either way, it's a great story, told in your usual flowing style that takes the reader every step of the way. Youu take us through al the emotions in this one Steve. xx Pix
Comment Written 28-May-2011
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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Thanks, Pix.
There are a couple of 'Smiling Jacks' around and apparently Smilin' jack was a comic strip, but hopefully Smiler Jack is original. I googled it just now and it took me straight to the poem!
I am happy with the poem - I was definitely torn about length (could have made his 'yarn' longer and also tiptoeing between sad and mawkish. All positive reviews so far...
Steve
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Don't get me wrong Steve. I loved your poem. For what it's worth, I thought it was a great length. I am not a cartoon person so I have no idea about a Smilin' Jack character. You are a consummagte s story teller and never lose a beat re rhyme or meter no matter how long a poem is. I wouldn't expect any of your reviews to be anything by positive, ever. I sometimes sense that you feel a bit niggly with me I can't quite put my finger on it and
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.....sorry, sent, unfinished. I was just saying that the written word with just LOL to indicate mood, is fraught with possibilities for misunderstandings but I am one of your most ardent fans and don't believe I have ever missed one of your posts (perhaps one whilst I was away), but anyway, please just know that. xx Pix
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No - sorry if I've ever given that impression - I am grateful for your unfailing praise of what I've done. Looking back at what I wrote I can see room for misunderstanding - you maybe thought I was defending the poem against criticism - I didn't see any criticism in what you wrote - I was just explaining something of the process and the 'all positive reviews' was simply FYI. :o)
Steve
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Got ya my friend. Understood. When you consider that over 86% (at least, that's what the percentage was when I was studying psychology), is received fhrough body language, it's no wonder it is nigh on impossible to be clearly understood every time so all in all, we all do pretty well. Thanks Steve. xx Pix
Comment from miss joyce
I read your author notes first because, I don't always get the stories, and am glad I did that. I knew by them I had to read this piece. It is wonderfully penned and I love the, I guess, quatrain rhythm of it. But, mostly I love Smilie Jack, the ghost and how he found the poor soul and changed his mind about suicide...
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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I read your author notes first because, I don't always get the stories, and am glad I did that. I knew by them I had to read this piece. It is wonderfully penned and I love the, I guess, quatrain rhythm of it. But, mostly I love Smilie Jack, the ghost and how he found the poor soul and changed his mind about suicide...
Comment Written 28-May-2011
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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Thank you for the kind words - I am quite attached to the smiler myself now - what a hard life he had!
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It's my pleasure!
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, kiwi, i enjoyed reading this poem about the ghost who shared his story with someone and got them back on track, i wish you the best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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this is very well written, kiwi, i enjoyed reading this poem about the ghost who shared his story with someone and got them back on track, i wish you the best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 28-May-2011
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Thank you - I don't even believe in ghosts, but he came in useful for the story!
Steve
Comment from adewpearl
Your lines have a strong, steady cadence and ther rhyming couplets are spot on.
The opening stanza sets the stage well for this guy's misery and the causes of it.
The stories the old bloke tells this despondent man are gut-wrenching. How inspiring that after a life of so many tragedies, Jack is still upbeat and determined to play the cards dealt him.
Oh, I just got shivers up my spy when we learn Smiler Jack has been dead for a year.
Well, come the last stanza you have me crying.
This is just stunning and totally deserves a six, which I simply do not have. Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Your lines have a strong, steady cadence and ther rhyming couplets are spot on.
The opening stanza sets the stage well for this guy's misery and the causes of it.
The stories the old bloke tells this despondent man are gut-wrenching. How inspiring that after a life of so many tragedies, Jack is still upbeat and determined to play the cards dealt him.
Oh, I just got shivers up my spy when we learn Smiler Jack has been dead for a year.
Well, come the last stanza you have me crying.
This is just stunning and totally deserves a six, which I simply do not have. Brooke :-)
Comment Written 28-May-2011
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Thanks, Brooke - I'll take it as a virtual Six anyway, which means a lot coming from you!
I do have a different last stanza which would have you screaming with laughter instrad of crying - I may post it later as a reminder to us all not to take things too seriously.
Steve
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I would love to see the alternative ending :-)
Comment from juliaSjames
Excellent work. Rhyme and meter are fantastic in this multi-layered story. Readers got two for the price of one: - The story of the repentant boozer, and the story of Smiler Jack. Oh yes, and a history lesson thrown in, to boot.
Enjoyed the local color in the write.
This is surely a strong contender in the contest. Best of luck. Sorry I can't think of an Aussie witticism. lol
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Excellent work. Rhyme and meter are fantastic in this multi-layered story. Readers got two for the price of one: - The story of the repentant boozer, and the story of Smiler Jack. Oh yes, and a history lesson thrown in, to boot.
Enjoyed the local color in the write.
This is surely a strong contender in the contest. Best of luck. Sorry I can't think of an Aussie witticism. lol
Comment Written 28-May-2011
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Thank you - I couldn't really put in the language you would hear in an aussie pub - it would have required a content warning!
I grew up in the Caribbean - no pubs, but rum shops! A rose by any other name ... lol
Comment from mumsyone
Great story in a poem! Nice to come across something with good rhyme and good meter, for the most part. Although there are a few rough spots, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Great story in a poem! Nice to come across something with good rhyme and good meter, for the most part. Although there are a few rough spots, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
Comment Written 28-May-2011
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Thanks for the review and the kind words - yeah, I'm a 'rhyme and meter' kind of guy for the most part.
Steve
Comment from chita
Your author notes are superb-you have a good flow with your poem and you are descriptive-you write about your country Australia and tell of the wars that you have dealt with and also with your personal wars--I like where you write(So I called my wife that evening and I begged for one more chance-I told her I was sorry for leading such a dance) a personal aspect of your life revealed--an interesting write-great job.
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Your author notes are superb-you have a good flow with your poem and you are descriptive-you write about your country Australia and tell of the wars that you have dealt with and also with your personal wars--I like where you write(So I called my wife that evening and I begged for one more chance-I told her I was sorry for leading such a dance) a personal aspect of your life revealed--an interesting write-great job.
Comment Written 28-May-2011
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Thanks, Chita. I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
The narrator of this poem is not really me.
Comment from poetbear
this is real and gritty. Gutsy and passionate. Wish I had six stars for the earthiness and guts here.
It makes sense and flows well.
It gets to the core and makes sense. well done.
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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this is real and gritty. Gutsy and passionate. Wish I had six stars for the earthiness and guts here.
It makes sense and flows well.
It gets to the core and makes sense. well done.
Comment Written 28-May-2011
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Thank you - it's a fine line between real and gritty and falling over into soppy and overdone, so I truly appreciate your comment.
Steve
Comment from barkingdog
This was one tear jerker and well written, rhyme flowing and fantastic meter.
You have everything to tug at the heartstrings. Brothers, prisoner of war, wife and children, a legend(ghost), a repentant alcoholic begging to go home.
Oh, and even a dog who misses him too.
I was ready for the bartender to hug him. LOL
You are soooo the expert at weaving it all together into a story that works!!
I'm still smiling.
Oh, the headstone ties the cards being delt to the end with Smiler gone to meet the Dealer.
Praise worthy is an understatement.
Your Author's Notes are icing on the cake and got you to the six.
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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This was one tear jerker and well written, rhyme flowing and fantastic meter.
You have everything to tug at the heartstrings. Brothers, prisoner of war, wife and children, a legend(ghost), a repentant alcoholic begging to go home.
Oh, and even a dog who misses him too.
I was ready for the bartender to hug him. LOL
You are soooo the expert at weaving it all together into a story that works!!
I'm still smiling.
Oh, the headstone ties the cards being delt to the end with Smiler gone to meet the Dealer.
Praise worthy is an understatement.
Your Author's Notes are icing on the cake and got you to the six.
Comment Written 28-May-2011
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Thank you so much for the Six and the very kind words.
A little more thought and effort than usual has gone into this one - hopefully I didn't make it too mawkish.
Thanks again.
Steve
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Perfecto!
