Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Part two Chapter four"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
90 total reviews
Comment from yestyn
I like this story teller you can see the fear in Anna and that bully of a man how was he out of prison so quick if he was given bail how come the Judge only let him have bail on condition he stayed away from Anna
reply by the author on 19-May-2011
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I like this story teller you can see the fear in Anna and that bully of a man how was he out of prison so quick if he was given bail how come the Judge only let him have bail on condition he stayed away from Anna
Comment Written 19-May-2011
reply by the author on 19-May-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Rasp E
Hooray for Ellen's most excellent timing. Strong dialogue. I'm also really pleased that there are some strong, smart women around to help Anna out. :)
The one thing that stood out to me was the fact that the nurse follows Bobby into the room. So, physically she's behind him when they enter the scene but when he threatens Anna, the sentence says that the nurse stood between them. Displaying her movement to that position would be good. It emphasizes her role as defender within the scene and helps keep the scene dynamic in the reader's mind. Especially since there's little physical movement from Anna. Perhaps even a little bit more from Bobby in reaction besides a glare at the nurse, just to add a bit of texture there. Since she's another female, I'd almost expect him to threaten her a bit...but then again he's focused on terrorizing Anna, so I don't know... Anyway, great scene. That guy is a beast.
Hope this is helpful.
Erica
reply by the author on 19-May-2011
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Hooray for Ellen's most excellent timing. Strong dialogue. I'm also really pleased that there are some strong, smart women around to help Anna out. :)
The one thing that stood out to me was the fact that the nurse follows Bobby into the room. So, physically she's behind him when they enter the scene but when he threatens Anna, the sentence says that the nurse stood between them. Displaying her movement to that position would be good. It emphasizes her role as defender within the scene and helps keep the scene dynamic in the reader's mind. Especially since there's little physical movement from Anna. Perhaps even a little bit more from Bobby in reaction besides a glare at the nurse, just to add a bit of texture there. Since she's another female, I'd almost expect him to threaten her a bit...but then again he's focused on terrorizing Anna, so I don't know... Anyway, great scene. That guy is a beast.
Hope this is helpful.
Erica
Comment Written 19-May-2011
reply by the author on 19-May-2011
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Bobby is the type of person that is threatened by any body who would possibly fight back. He's a chicken himself thats why he bullies. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Jonez08
Hi Barbara, a nice chapter and the ending brings me a sigh of relief. I put a couple notes below for your consideration. I look forward finding out what happens next
Bobby barged into the room. His dark demon eyes glared at Anna.
--how did he find her? Is it the only hospital in town? If so, I did he know what room to go to? I'm just curious since he was in jail one moment and at the hospital the next.
Anna (yanked) the blankets to her chin as if they could help protect her.
--yanked usually represent taking away or snatched, consider (tugged or pulled)
Cassandra
reply by the author on 19-May-2011
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Hi Barbara, a nice chapter and the ending brings me a sigh of relief. I put a couple notes below for your consideration. I look forward finding out what happens next
Bobby barged into the room. His dark demon eyes glared at Anna.
--how did he find her? Is it the only hospital in town? If so, I did he know what room to go to? I'm just curious since he was in jail one moment and at the hospital the next.
Anna (yanked) the blankets to her chin as if they could help protect her.
--yanked usually represent taking away or snatched, consider (tugged or pulled)
Cassandra
Comment Written 18-May-2011
reply by the author on 19-May-2011
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I will recheck that area. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from onceinabluemoon
I'm pleased that you're drawing attention to a pervasive problem in our society. The story is interesting. I found his speech starting "I bonded out..." to be a little forced - I realize what jerks are out there, and unfortunately also how they talk, and none of what he said was out of line with that, I just thought it'd be likely that there'd be more in-between ideas. But ya never know, I suppose. Just a thought. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 19-May-2011
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I'm pleased that you're drawing attention to a pervasive problem in our society. The story is interesting. I found his speech starting "I bonded out..." to be a little forced - I realize what jerks are out there, and unfortunately also how they talk, and none of what he said was out of line with that, I just thought it'd be likely that there'd be more in-between ideas. But ya never know, I suppose. Just a thought. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 18-May-2011
reply by the author on 19-May-2011
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I will look at those areas. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from jclark
Perfect segway. I feel my hands sweating. Hope she hurries and gets to safety. I think that it is so great that you are raising awareness within our little community about domestic violence. We need to be reminded constantly to be aware of what is going on around us and those in harm's way need to know they can and must step forward.
Judy
reply by the author on 19-May-2011
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Perfect segway. I feel my hands sweating. Hope she hurries and gets to safety. I think that it is so great that you are raising awareness within our little community about domestic violence. We need to be reminded constantly to be aware of what is going on around us and those in harm's way need to know they can and must step forward.
Judy
Comment Written 18-May-2011
reply by the author on 19-May-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Deorre Leonard
Wow another great chapter. Will Anna ever escape from that abusive man. Will she and her son be able to live a normal life after the abuse that they have suffered. Waiting for more.
reply by the author on 19-May-2011
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Wow another great chapter. Will Anna ever escape from that abusive man. Will she and her son be able to live a normal life after the abuse that they have suffered. Waiting for more.
Comment Written 18-May-2011
reply by the author on 19-May-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from FredCollingwood
Hi Barbara,
I hope you are well. I've been taking a break from FS for a while, but I thought I'd stop by an read a few of my favorites. Great chapter.
Fred
reply by the author on 19-May-2011
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Hi Barbara,
I hope you are well. I've been taking a break from FS for a while, but I thought I'd stop by an read a few of my favorites. Great chapter.
Fred
Comment Written 18-May-2011
reply by the author on 19-May-2011
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Thank you for your support.
Comment from dmjones
Good Chapter Barbara. It did seem short but I understand about finding spots to break it up. I didn't spot any spag and I'm waiting for the next chapter to see what Ellen suggests.
reply by the author on 19-May-2011
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Good Chapter Barbara. It did seem short but I understand about finding spots to break it up. I didn't spot any spag and I'm waiting for the next chapter to see what Ellen suggests.
Comment Written 18-May-2011
reply by the author on 19-May-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and support.
Comment from minopavlic
Thank you for your creativity.
In terms of artistry, craftsmanship and elegance of of your uniqie style Barbara, the appeal of your writing has always ensnared me. The story has its own unique expression, which brings the characters and topic to life.
This brilliantly crafted tragedy goes beyond descriptive words, as to the horrors felt and the irreplacable scars left in what can only be described as an act of extreme cowardice.
Great work
No_obstacle
reply by the author on 19-May-2011
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Thank you for your creativity.
In terms of artistry, craftsmanship and elegance of of your uniqie style Barbara, the appeal of your writing has always ensnared me. The story has its own unique expression, which brings the characters and topic to life.
This brilliantly crafted tragedy goes beyond descriptive words, as to the horrors felt and the irreplacable scars left in what can only be described as an act of extreme cowardice.
Great work
No_obstacle
Comment Written 18-May-2011
reply by the author on 19-May-2011
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Thank you for the kind review and support.
Comment from denhagan
I enjoyed reading this Part Two of Chapter Four of "Lonely Hearts Meet" about an abused wife who is in the hospital trying to decide what's best for her to do. The story held my interest for the whole read.
reply by the author on 19-May-2011
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I enjoyed reading this Part Two of Chapter Four of "Lonely Hearts Meet" about an abused wife who is in the hospital trying to decide what's best for her to do. The story held my interest for the whole read.
Comment Written 18-May-2011
reply by the author on 19-May-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
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You are quite welcome! ~denhagan
