Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Part one Chapter four"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
83 total reviews
Comment from Bryana
attorny...attorney
Excellent writing Barbara, it caught my attention from the very beginning. Every time I hear of episodes like this one it makes my blood boil. How can a man do this to a woman? Or a child? I always think he must've been abused as a child.
You are doing a wonderful job telling where they can go for help or who they can call. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 11-May-2011
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attorny...attorney
Excellent writing Barbara, it caught my attention from the very beginning. Every time I hear of episodes like this one it makes my blood boil. How can a man do this to a woman? Or a child? I always think he must've been abused as a child.
You are doing a wonderful job telling where they can go for help or who they can call. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 10-May-2011
reply by the author on 11-May-2011
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I have corrected the typo. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Allezw2
Lady barbara.wilkey,
You have nicely detailed the dilemma too many women fall into. The saddest part is that when abused as children, marriage seems to be an escape. The unfortunate part is when their choice devolves into what they are trying to elude. It is truly unfortunate that for many, it is only to fall into circumstances even worse.
Too, often, I fear you are preaching to the choir. Abuse seems to be like an addiction in the victim's inability to recognize an impossible, often escalating, andd very dangerous situation.
Nicely done, understated, but harrowing for those who know what is between the lines.
Fantasist
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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Lady barbara.wilkey,
You have nicely detailed the dilemma too many women fall into. The saddest part is that when abused as children, marriage seems to be an escape. The unfortunate part is when their choice devolves into what they are trying to elude. It is truly unfortunate that for many, it is only to fall into circumstances even worse.
Too, often, I fear you are preaching to the choir. Abuse seems to be like an addiction in the victim's inability to recognize an impossible, often escalating, andd very dangerous situation.
Nicely done, understated, but harrowing for those who know what is between the lines.
Fantasist
Comment Written 10-May-2011
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and insight.
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You're welcome.
Comment from teacherdub
The story is progressing to the "but" phase. Anna wants to leave him, BUT... I see the battered Anna and how she is struggling. Bobby has invaded her mind and convinced her she can't be without him. So true to battered women syndrome. Storyline is proceeding well. Good job. td
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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The story is progressing to the "but" phase. Anna wants to leave him, BUT... I see the battered Anna and how she is struggling. Bobby has invaded her mind and convinced her she can't be without him. So true to battered women syndrome. Storyline is proceeding well. Good job. td
Comment Written 10-May-2011
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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Thank you for your kind review,
Comment from Jonesy
We've already covered the lack of narrative voice in relation to dialogue so won't touch on that here, but there are a couple things that concern me.
First though, I thought the dialogue for the most part had an authentic air. It was easy to see these two chars discussing the situation. Also, the background on Troy woven into the dialogue is a good touch. That is a good way to compensate for the lack of narrative description.
One thing that I wonder about is the pacing, especially given this is only part 1 of 4 for this chapter and seems like a lot is covered that may not have to be. In other words, this part of the chapter seems too have to slow a pace.
Also, I'm confused about Paul and why he needs all of these details on Anna's life with Michael if all he's going to do is refer her to another attorney. He wouldn't possibly be able to remember all of them when conferring with another one, so the more common sense approach would be to get a general background, then direct Anna to another lawyer for all the details.
What that leaves me with is a sense these details were included for the reader's sake only, and because of that I'm not sure having the background for Anna (the Troy part I thought was fine though) in this manner allows for seamless exposition.
Still, the realistic dialogue does go a long way to selling this.
***baseball, football, or basket ball.***
No space in "basketball". I know just an oversight
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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We've already covered the lack of narrative voice in relation to dialogue so won't touch on that here, but there are a couple things that concern me.
First though, I thought the dialogue for the most part had an authentic air. It was easy to see these two chars discussing the situation. Also, the background on Troy woven into the dialogue is a good touch. That is a good way to compensate for the lack of narrative description.
One thing that I wonder about is the pacing, especially given this is only part 1 of 4 for this chapter and seems like a lot is covered that may not have to be. In other words, this part of the chapter seems too have to slow a pace.
Also, I'm confused about Paul and why he needs all of these details on Anna's life with Michael if all he's going to do is refer her to another attorney. He wouldn't possibly be able to remember all of them when conferring with another one, so the more common sense approach would be to get a general background, then direct Anna to another lawyer for all the details.
What that leaves me with is a sense these details were included for the reader's sake only, and because of that I'm not sure having the background for Anna (the Troy part I thought was fine though) in this manner allows for seamless exposition.
Still, the realistic dialogue does go a long way to selling this.
***baseball, football, or basket ball.***
No space in "basketball". I know just an oversight
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-May-2011
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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I will fix basketball. I feel the pacing is perfect in this chapter and the reason Paul needs to know all of this information is because he's going to come out of retirement and end up taking her case because he cares. I hate having to reveal where a story is going in order to defend my writing. There is other information that is important to the future of this novel. I will not reveal other parts of this story.
Comment from essence56
This is a very intresting story and I look forward to reading more as I have all of your writings. The flow is easy and I looked for more at the end. I have not been around for awhile, but this is great to return too. Good
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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This is a very intresting story and I look forward to reading more as I have all of your writings. The flow is easy and I looked for more at the end. I have not been around for awhile, but this is great to return too. Good
Comment Written 10-May-2011
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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I have missed you so I am glad you are back and thank you for the review.
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You are so welcome. You are truly my favorite.
Comment from Perp Ihebom
As usual, i enjoyed reading this post. I am happy that the old lawyer has shown interest in the young lady's plight. Looking forward to the next post. kudos
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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As usual, i enjoyed reading this post. I am happy that the old lawyer has shown interest in the young lady's plight. Looking forward to the next post. kudos
Comment Written 10-May-2011
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from bhogg
Hi Barbara - another great post. The one scenario that you lay out is so common, assuming that a person will change and get better. I've seen that situation too many times. Happy Mother's day to you a few days late. By the way, you mispelled mother .... caught you after 1 1/2 years! Always warm regards, Bill
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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Hi Barbara - another great post. The one scenario that you lay out is so common, assuming that a person will change and get better. I've seen that situation too many times. Happy Mother's day to you a few days late. By the way, you mispelled mother .... caught you after 1 1/2 years! Always warm regards, Bill
Comment Written 10-May-2011
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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I will double check that. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from BethShelby
Barbara, you are a very talented writer. Domestic abuse is certainly a subject that so many women have to deal with and you are writing about it in a sensitive yet entertaining way. I look forward to reading more of this story.
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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Barbara, you are a very talented writer. Domestic abuse is certainly a subject that so many women have to deal with and you are writing about it in a sensitive yet entertaining way. I look forward to reading more of this story.
Comment Written 10-May-2011
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Jonez08
Hmmm, I'm wondering what she'll do now. Great chapter, I enjoyed his father's advice. Hopefully someone out here on FS is reading this and can get the help they need.
he lifted out a hot fudge banana split in a clear cup with a lid.
--sweet, kindness goes a long way
He shifted in his chair and his facial expression (switched) to serious.
--this seems out of place, maybe 'turned' or He shifted in his chair, his expression now serious.
Cassandra
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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Hmmm, I'm wondering what she'll do now. Great chapter, I enjoyed his father's advice. Hopefully someone out here on FS is reading this and can get the help they need.
he lifted out a hot fudge banana split in a clear cup with a lid.
--sweet, kindness goes a long way
He shifted in his chair and his facial expression (switched) to serious.
--this seems out of place, maybe 'turned' or He shifted in his chair, his expression now serious.
Cassandra
Comment Written 10-May-2011
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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Once again thank you for your eagle eye. Another reviewer thought you gave me a four and said, I thought you two were friends. I said we are. The other Jonesy is a male.
Comment from Tellis
Her parents are a couple of creeps to abandon her to that savage. I'm clad she found someone to help her in the legal sense. Great chapter.
Tellis
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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Her parents are a couple of creeps to abandon her to that savage. I'm clad she found someone to help her in the legal sense. Great chapter.
Tellis
Comment Written 10-May-2011
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
