Paranormal Adventures
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "The Puppet Master"Case Studies of Hauntings
74 total reviews
Comment from Showboat
I just love your stuff, Bev, and this chapter is no exception. I didn't see any spaggies, just good clean writing.
Okay, this one needs a bit of help: "I've been there, dude, and things can get ugly really fast," an exasperated Mike had told him." This isn't a speech tag. You might flip it to '..Mike said, exasperated.' Told him isn't a tag.
All the others were excellent and you're doinga really great job at eliminating the speech tags wherever possible.
"Is there anything you can do to help him, Mia?" Mike asked.
"Probably not," Mia answered. "It would....."
In the above exchange, since Mia is answering a question, 'she answered.' is probably a better choice and eliminates using her name again.
Super duper stuff here. Love that the chapters are short and very tight. Good girl!
Hugs,
Gayle
reply by the author on 01-May-2011
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I just love your stuff, Bev, and this chapter is no exception. I didn't see any spaggies, just good clean writing.
Okay, this one needs a bit of help: "I've been there, dude, and things can get ugly really fast," an exasperated Mike had told him." This isn't a speech tag. You might flip it to '..Mike said, exasperated.' Told him isn't a tag.
All the others were excellent and you're doinga really great job at eliminating the speech tags wherever possible.
"Is there anything you can do to help him, Mia?" Mike asked.
"Probably not," Mia answered. "It would....."
In the above exchange, since Mia is answering a question, 'she answered.' is probably a better choice and eliminates using her name again.
Super duper stuff here. Love that the chapters are short and very tight. Good girl!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment Written 30-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 01-May-2011
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Thanks for your superb advice, Gayle. I also appreciate your great suggestions in the dialogue arena. That he said, she said, stuff gets to be a real pain sometimes. I really value your input and am grateful for your generous and supportive review, my friend. Have a super day! XXX Bev
Comment from JW
This was definitely an interesting development to your story. One cannot help but wonder why such a relationship exist. This chapter is well written. Good job.
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2011
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This was definitely an interesting development to your story. One cannot help but wonder why such a relationship exist. This chapter is well written. Good job.
Comment Written 30-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2011
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Thanks, Jonathon. I appreciate you taking time out to read the chapter and your generous review. Take care! Bev
Comment from Bellringer
Bev, your chapter is very well written with excellent narrative and dialogue. Your characters are "alive" and easy to like. The scene of the caretaker's sudden twitching (evidence of possession) was frightening. I look forward to the next installment. Blessings, Hector
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2011
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Bev, your chapter is very well written with excellent narrative and dialogue. Your characters are "alive" and easy to like. The scene of the caretaker's sudden twitching (evidence of possession) was frightening. I look forward to the next installment. Blessings, Hector
Comment Written 30-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2011
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Hi, Hector. I've done a fair amount of reading about possessions and the physical manifestations of that, so I drew on that for the story. Apparently, they are quite unforgettable when they occur. I really appreciate your terrific and generous review, my friend. Thanks so much for stopping by! Warm regards, Bev
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You're welcome, Bev. Blessings, Hector
Comment from livingwords
I think this entire story is exceptional. The plot is intriguing and you are executing this tale flawlessly. I love the voice, the mood, the characters. Can't wait to read more. Dan :))
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2011
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I think this entire story is exceptional. The plot is intriguing and you are executing this tale flawlessly. I love the voice, the mood, the characters. Can't wait to read more. Dan :))
Comment Written 30-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2011
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Hi, Dan. Wow, you have me on cloud nine with your wonderful gesture and words of support. Thank you so much for taking time to read this chapter. I value your opinion, especially, because I consider you an excellent writer. I'm beaming! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from WilliamDeen
Nice work and an excellent addition to the story. It was a good read with good dialogue and it kept my interest from beginning to end.
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2011
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Nice work and an excellent addition to the story. It was a good read with good dialogue and it kept my interest from beginning to end.
Comment Written 30-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2011
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Hi, WD. Hey, thanks so very much for your wonderful review and supportive words. I'm glad you liked the chapter. Cheers, Bev
Comment from misscookie
This is a very interesting story so far
As one PERSON IN THE BOOK SAID IT HAS JUST BEGAN.
I LIKE HOW THE STORY FLOWS
AND YOU CAPTURE MY ATTENTION VERY WELL.
I must confess I don't remember your first write.what ever you did but, this is truly a winner.
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2011
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This is a very interesting story so far
As one PERSON IN THE BOOK SAID IT HAS JUST BEGAN.
I LIKE HOW THE STORY FLOWS
AND YOU CAPTURE MY ATTENTION VERY WELL.
I must confess I don't remember your first write.what ever you did but, this is truly a winner.
Comment Written 30-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2011
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Hi, misscookie! Thanks for stopping by to read my latest chapter. I'm having fun writing it and am glad to know such great folks are along for the ride. I much appreciate you very generous review also! Blessings, Bev
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Your very welcome, have a blessed day.
Comment from Dale95
Okay! I guess there will be no speculation about the evidence of paranormal activity in this place. LOL. I hate unexplained events with a passion and don't know what I'd do if I were in that situation, other than making sure I was wearing my 'Depends'.
What is EVP? (You know I get the best EVP's of anyone on the team)
Possible snag with, ( What you thinking, buddy?" Emma asked)
Good action and suspense with this chapter. Write On. -Dale
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2011
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Okay! I guess there will be no speculation about the evidence of paranormal activity in this place. LOL. I hate unexplained events with a passion and don't know what I'd do if I were in that situation, other than making sure I was wearing my 'Depends'.
What is EVP? (You know I get the best EVP's of anyone on the team)
Possible snag with, ( What you thinking, buddy?" Emma asked)
Good action and suspense with this chapter. Write On. -Dale
Comment Written 30-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2011
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Hi, Dale. Thanks for your very generous review. I've put a better explanation of EVP's in my author's notes thanks to you suggestion. I've heard them personally in my own investigations, they are pretty chilling. The comma before buddy (if that's what you mean about a SPAG) was added because adewpearl suggested it. As you know, she is the queen of spags so I assume she's correct! LOL In fact, I'm taking her class on the subject in May. I really appreciate you coming along for a ride with me in chapter 3. Glad you liked it my friend. Not everything can or should be applied to paranormal activity. I hope to convey that in future chapters. Warm regards, Bev
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Hi Writing. Wow, this is funny. I just looked at that possible SPAG, and said to myself, What's wrong with that. Nothing. Why did it catch my attention? DAH!!! Then I read it again, for the fourth time and saw it again. The comma is fine but, unless it's slang talk, it needs to be: "What (are) you thinking, buddy?" I think. Maybe the next time I read it, it might change again. Could this be one of those paranormal SPAGS that comes and goes??? LOL. Write On. -Dale
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HAH. I think you are definitely living in the present moment, my friend and your suggestion is a good one. I'll make the change and thanks very caring so much. I'm really touched by your integrity! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi Bev
A good chapter continuing your great book.
One small suggestion. Right at the beginning when they stop outside the cottage, I'd replace the man stood waiting with the caretaker stood waiting. Slightly confusing your way.
In this one we get a bit of background about the team members. The excellent dialogue helps to build up their characters. The plot also thickens!!
I also liked the ending with hints of more things that go bump in the night.
Ron xox
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2011
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Hi Bev
A good chapter continuing your great book.
One small suggestion. Right at the beginning when they stop outside the cottage, I'd replace the man stood waiting with the caretaker stood waiting. Slightly confusing your way.
In this one we get a bit of background about the team members. The excellent dialogue helps to build up their characters. The plot also thickens!!
I also liked the ending with hints of more things that go bump in the night.
Ron xox
Comment Written 30-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2011
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Hi, Ron. I like your way better, so thanks for reading with an eye to making the chapter better. I really appreciate your support and generous review. Your experience lends real authority to your suggestions and I am very happy to be the recipient of that! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran
I ENJOYED READING YOUR SCRIPT IT WAS A GOOD STORYLINE. I LIKED THE CHARACTERS AND THE STORY HAD AN INTERESTING DESCRIPTIVE STRUCTURE AND KEPT THE READERS ATTENTION. THANKS FOR SHARING WITH ME. Mary
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2011
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I ENJOYED READING YOUR SCRIPT IT WAS A GOOD STORYLINE. I LIKED THE CHARACTERS AND THE STORY HAD AN INTERESTING DESCRIPTIVE STRUCTURE AND KEPT THE READERS ATTENTION. THANKS FOR SHARING WITH ME. Mary
Comment Written 30-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2011
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Hi, Mary. Thanks for reading Chapter 3. I really appreciate your interest and generous review! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from adewpearl
Why fix something that ain't broke? - add the question mark
and stood back, allowing Luke and the others to enter - add the comma
all eyes turned towards the caretaker, who had not moved - add comma
he answered, looking directly at Mia - add coma
Excellent use of natural-sounding dialogue that reflects the emotions/attitude of each speaker well.
What you thinkin', buddy - add comma for direct address
Lots of interesting intrigue Brooke
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2011
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Why fix something that ain't broke? - add the question mark
and stood back, allowing Luke and the others to enter - add the comma
all eyes turned towards the caretaker, who had not moved - add comma
he answered, looking directly at Mia - add coma
Excellent use of natural-sounding dialogue that reflects the emotions/attitude of each speaker well.
What you thinkin', buddy - add comma for direct address
Lots of interesting intrigue Brooke
Comment Written 29-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2011
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Hi, Brooke. Thanks for your usual exceptional reviewing. Quite obvious why I signed up for your SPAG class, eh? Thanks for continuing along with my chapters. I really appreciate your support. Warm regards, Bev
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Now all I need to do is talk everyone who needs the class to sign up - believe me, you aren't even near the top of the list of people with SPAG issues. LOL
