The Impudence of Oranges
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Leaving"Reflective Autobiographical Poetry
24 total reviews
Comment from Inge_Meldgaard
You have painted a scene with so much insight and impact, in such a personal way that I can't fail to be moved. This poem is the epitome of 'showing' the reader exactly what 'you' feel/felt and saw in such as way as to involve them completely. The repeat line "thrown down" is astonishing - an inspired touch that somehow says something more than if it was only said once. I'd give a 6 if I had one to to give! This is one of the best poems I've read on this site.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2011
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You have painted a scene with so much insight and impact, in such a personal way that I can't fail to be moved. This poem is the epitome of 'showing' the reader exactly what 'you' feel/felt and saw in such as way as to involve them completely. The repeat line "thrown down" is astonishing - an inspired touch that somehow says something more than if it was only said once. I'd give a 6 if I had one to to give! This is one of the best poems I've read on this site.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2011
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I'm thrilled you liked it, Inge. Thanks again :)
Comment from ameen786
Wow! What a story--sad indeed, you have great talent poet, the way you delivered the tragedy of a broken family with a little girl in her own world, great presentation, awesome job. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2011
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Wow! What a story--sad indeed, you have great talent poet, the way you delivered the tragedy of a broken family with a little girl in her own world, great presentation, awesome job. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2011
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Thank you for your kind words, my dear. Cheers and happy writing!
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written iwth good form and good flow, a great job writing this poem about a mother leaving and leaving the child behind and the memories.......
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2011
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this is very well written iwth good form and good flow, a great job writing this poem about a mother leaving and leaving the child behind and the memories.......
Comment Written 26-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2011
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Thank you! M:)
Comment from chita
You have a good flow with your poem-you are descriptive and write with emotion about what happened when your mother left-the last time you saw her was with a baby on her hip and a cigarette on her lip--and you read Dr. Seuss and ate your samwich--a thought provoking write--great job.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2011
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You have a good flow with your poem-you are descriptive and write with emotion about what happened when your mother left-the last time you saw her was with a baby on her hip and a cigarette on her lip--and you read Dr. Seuss and ate your samwich--a thought provoking write--great job.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2011
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thank you, chita! M:)
Comment from moyramouse
I really liked this poem. I can see it is written from the child's point of view ' I read my Dr Seuss/ate my 'samwhich'/drank my orange juice' and then 'Dear Mother'. It is beautifully observed -the child's mother with the 'screen door backed up against her heel' as if she was ready to walk out; the 'baby on her hip' and 'the cigarette on her lip' and then the father pacing the floor with his hands 'thrown down'. Clearly there is a serious conflict going on, such sad lines ' the words I did not understand/but their music, I could feel'
The touches of rhyme hip/lip; heel/feel; day/away give it a delicate touch and the assonance of screen/heel. The repetition of 'thrown down' had a poignant ring of despair and finality, as though the relationship had reached the end.
The choice of 'danced' to describe how mother left led me to think that she had gone off with another man and left her family behind. A beautiful poem that leaves the reader feeling the child's insecurity. xxmouse
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2011
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I really liked this poem. I can see it is written from the child's point of view ' I read my Dr Seuss/ate my 'samwhich'/drank my orange juice' and then 'Dear Mother'. It is beautifully observed -the child's mother with the 'screen door backed up against her heel' as if she was ready to walk out; the 'baby on her hip' and 'the cigarette on her lip' and then the father pacing the floor with his hands 'thrown down'. Clearly there is a serious conflict going on, such sad lines ' the words I did not understand/but their music, I could feel'
The touches of rhyme hip/lip; heel/feel; day/away give it a delicate touch and the assonance of screen/heel. The repetition of 'thrown down' had a poignant ring of despair and finality, as though the relationship had reached the end.
The choice of 'danced' to describe how mother left led me to think that she had gone off with another man and left her family behind. A beautiful poem that leaves the reader feeling the child's insecurity. xxmouse
Comment Written 26-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2011
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Thanks for a great review, moyramouse. I am glad you liked it M:)
Comment from PoesyPoet
WOW! What vivid images are left after reading this dramatically filled poem. The last line was very powerful and made me a little sad. Well done.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2011
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WOW! What vivid images are left after reading this dramatically filled poem. The last line was very powerful and made me a little sad. Well done.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2011
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Thanks PoesyPoet! Much appreciated... M:)
Comment from carl8447
Autobigrapical I guess, as always you painted a disturbing picture in a way where you have finesse. You did it so well, it was almost as if I can direct it with a camera crew.
Good work.
Carl
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2011
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Autobigrapical I guess, as always you painted a disturbing picture in a way where you have finesse. You did it so well, it was almost as if I can direct it with a camera crew.
Good work.
Carl
Comment Written 26-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2011
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Thanks again ;)
Comment from JeJo
hello Poet,
this is a poignant write from a kid's perspective, not understanding what is going on, but moving on in life.. the mother has left and is gone, either by death or divorce.
The images are clearly painted, and so real the reader steps right into the scene.
The simple things are brought to life: the noon light, the screen door, the cigarette, the pacing, the book, the meal.. all of it is relevant, yet striking.
I like how those things are described.
Then the kid's POV is attached to some things, such as the 'samwich' - a nice touch to indicate the innocence and youth.
The active verbs (backed up/paced/thrown/drank/danced) add the action.
Nice touches of rhyme, consonance, alliteration, and repetition.
one small thing: the first word 'Leaving' makes me think it is just the title.. OR, to me, it almost seems better omitted and just starting with 'the last time..'
This conveys the sense of not-knowing, but almost not-caring..
I like how this portrays that the kid didn't understand what was being said, but could gather the possible sense from the tones, 'their music'..
The ending is strong. This poem has painted a picture that will never leave the reader's mind.
Fantastic work.
All the best, Jen
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2011
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hello Poet,
this is a poignant write from a kid's perspective, not understanding what is going on, but moving on in life.. the mother has left and is gone, either by death or divorce.
The images are clearly painted, and so real the reader steps right into the scene.
The simple things are brought to life: the noon light, the screen door, the cigarette, the pacing, the book, the meal.. all of it is relevant, yet striking.
I like how those things are described.
Then the kid's POV is attached to some things, such as the 'samwich' - a nice touch to indicate the innocence and youth.
The active verbs (backed up/paced/thrown/drank/danced) add the action.
Nice touches of rhyme, consonance, alliteration, and repetition.
one small thing: the first word 'Leaving' makes me think it is just the title.. OR, to me, it almost seems better omitted and just starting with 'the last time..'
This conveys the sense of not-knowing, but almost not-caring..
I like how this portrays that the kid didn't understand what was being said, but could gather the possible sense from the tones, 'their music'..
The ending is strong. This poem has painted a picture that will never leave the reader's mind.
Fantastic work.
All the best, Jen
Comment Written 25-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2011
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Thank you for taking the time to give such an in-depth review. You are right - Leaving is the title so I made edits to make that more obvious. Thanks again - I appreciate you feedback! M:)
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you're welcome! I thought this was a wonderful poem :)
Comment from Sue Ann Burrell
Excellent combination of showing and telling! You brought us there...into the room, even into the underlying heartache of the child, and, the as yet, unvoiced perplexity. The image of the music was original to a piece such as this.
Thank you!
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2011
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Excellent combination of showing and telling! You brought us there...into the room, even into the underlying heartache of the child, and, the as yet, unvoiced perplexity. The image of the music was original to a piece such as this.
Thank you!
Comment Written 25-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2011
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Thank you, Sue Ann! M:)
Comment from mumsyone
I think this poem comes directly from your heart; it is not just something made up in your mind. It is very good; it reveals deep feelings and deep hurt that you (or someone) must be holding inside. Writing about it helps. I hope the hurt lets up.
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2011
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I think this poem comes directly from your heart; it is not just something made up in your mind. It is very good; it reveals deep feelings and deep hurt that you (or someone) must be holding inside. Writing about it helps. I hope the hurt lets up.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2011
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Writing does help. Thank you, mumsyone :)
