Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Part One chapter three"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
84 total reviews
Comment from NaughtieScribe
Again, even as sweet as Troy seems to be. He does know first hand what can happen in a domestic abuse situation. I hope he steps back a little so that Anna won't be accused of having an affair, and risk loosing her son.
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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Again, even as sweet as Troy seems to be. He does know first hand what can happen in a domestic abuse situation. I hope he steps back a little so that Anna won't be accused of having an affair, and risk loosing her son.
Comment Written 17-May-2012
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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Thank you.
Comment from rzubey
I'm so thankful for that. That means you did some really first-rate research to support your story. The realism, if I can say that, adds greatly to your story. I'm feeling for Anna. I really am. I don't know what I would have done in her situation. Relating to characters makes for good writing, in my opinion.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
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I'm so thankful for that. That means you did some really first-rate research to support your story. The realism, if I can say that, adds greatly to your story. I'm feeling for Anna. I really am. I don't know what I would have done in her situation. Relating to characters makes for good writing, in my opinion.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
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Thank you
Comment from Tamis Renteria
Story continues with Troy trying to get help form his dad. I like this scene between father and son. I'm also wondering what Troy does for a living, as the author discusses his father's work.
It would be great to get a description of the dad, and more description of the details of the room to give the reader a sense of what kind of house Troy grew up in. Is it really different from Anna's house? (So far we don't have much of a feel for what her house looks like -- messy, tidy, shabby, does she hand sew curtains? Does she collect hummel figures? You know, details that reveal things about the characters.
I like this scene and the feeling between the dad and Troy.
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reply by the author on 23-Aug-2011
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Story continues with Troy trying to get help form his dad. I like this scene between father and son. I'm also wondering what Troy does for a living, as the author discusses his father's work.
It would be great to get a description of the dad, and more description of the details of the room to give the reader a sense of what kind of house Troy grew up in. Is it really different from Anna's house? (So far we don't have much of a feel for what her house looks like -- messy, tidy, shabby, does she hand sew curtains? Does she collect hummel figures? You know, details that reveal things about the characters.
I like this scene and the feeling between the dad and Troy.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2011
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thank you
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
staring at a squirrel run up and down a tree. -- Either:
staring at a squirrel run[ning] up and down a tree. OR
staring at a squirrel [as it] r[a]n up and down a tree.
Stockholm Syndrome is feelings of trust or affection felt in many cases of kidnapping or hostage-taking by a victim toward a captor.
I think you mean Battered Wives' Syndrome.
Roberta
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2011
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staring at a squirrel run up and down a tree. -- Either:
staring at a squirrel run[ning] up and down a tree. OR
staring at a squirrel [as it] r[a]n up and down a tree.
Stockholm Syndrome is feelings of trust or affection felt in many cases of kidnapping or hostage-taking by a victim toward a captor.
I think you mean Battered Wives' Syndrome.
Roberta
Comment Written 10-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2011
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I will fix that. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from writerwish
This is still going great. I have one more edit, I think. I have a good husband too, a long while ago it was different.
I have questions too.
What is a battering ram?
stroked a (not an) baseball.
Can a husband really sue?
reply by the author on 07-May-2011
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This is still going great. I have one more edit, I think. I have a good husband too, a long while ago it was different.
I have questions too.
What is a battering ram?
stroked a (not an) baseball.
Can a husband really sue?
Comment Written 06-May-2011
reply by the author on 07-May-2011
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A battering ram is an instrument the police sometimes use to break into a house it will shield them in case the people inside have guns. I fixed a baseball. Yes, Bobby could, if he suspecets Troy, sue of alienation of affection. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from moyramouse
I'm glad that Troy trusted his instincts and called the police, Anna could have been hurt so much worse as could little Michael. Hope Bobby gets his just desserts, but trouble is, many of these cowardly wife beaters get let off with a fine and a caution. Troy is going out on a limb involving his father, but then he has the contacts who may be able to help. You hinted at an intriguing detail - although Troy calls Betty and Paul 'mum and dad', they are not his biological parents and he clearly came to live with them when he was a boy and not a baby. He also says 'I know first hand the end result of spousal abuse' which infers his mother endured beatings and was maybe killed be her husband. I smiled when I read your author's note from your husband. Your writing is so vivid, part of me understands his concern, but your compassion for your main characters balances the violence out. A well penned episode. xxmouse
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2011
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I'm glad that Troy trusted his instincts and called the police, Anna could have been hurt so much worse as could little Michael. Hope Bobby gets his just desserts, but trouble is, many of these cowardly wife beaters get let off with a fine and a caution. Troy is going out on a limb involving his father, but then he has the contacts who may be able to help. You hinted at an intriguing detail - although Troy calls Betty and Paul 'mum and dad', they are not his biological parents and he clearly came to live with them when he was a boy and not a baby. He also says 'I know first hand the end result of spousal abuse' which infers his mother endured beatings and was maybe killed be her husband. I smiled when I read your author's note from your husband. Your writing is so vivid, part of me understands his concern, but your compassion for your main characters balances the violence out. A well penned episode. xxmouse
Comment Written 25-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and insight. Bobby will cause more trouble.
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi barb, missed this earlier. I'm glad Troy did the right thing by calling the police. And then sought legal advice. His father's right. Hope he'd stay away for the time being.
Great chapter, no nits.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2011
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Hi barb, missed this earlier. I'm glad Troy did the right thing by calling the police. And then sought legal advice. His father's right. Hope he'd stay away for the time being.
Great chapter, no nits.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2011
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Thank you for the kind review,
Comment from MaryMeadid
Ha, well I'm so glad to read you are not being abused by your husband! This was a good chapter and I did not find any SPAG, but I'll admit, I was reading purely for enjoyment.
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2011
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Ha, well I'm so glad to read you are not being abused by your husband! This was a good chapter and I did not find any SPAG, but I'll admit, I was reading purely for enjoyment.
Comment Written 21-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from N.K. Wagner
Barbara, this chapter is very well done, as always. I like the interaction of the characters and the dynamics of Troy's adoptive family.
The only thing I found that I'm not comfortable with is the description of the solid-oak desk. Not a thing wrong with it, but the placement of the description right there feels off. Is it necessary information? If not, I'd drop it. If it's important, I'd describe it earlier as dominating the room or something. Maybe a line about how Troy has noticed it isn't overflowing with his fahter's law journals now that he's retired, and that brings home the reality of his father's retirement for the first time, as though this evidence of passing time has always been a little unreal to him. Just a thought. :) Nancy
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2011
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Barbara, this chapter is very well done, as always. I like the interaction of the characters and the dynamics of Troy's adoptive family.
The only thing I found that I'm not comfortable with is the description of the solid-oak desk. Not a thing wrong with it, but the placement of the description right there feels off. Is it necessary information? If not, I'd drop it. If it's important, I'd describe it earlier as dominating the room or something. Maybe a line about how Troy has noticed it isn't overflowing with his fahter's law journals now that he's retired, and that brings home the reality of his father's retirement for the first time, as though this evidence of passing time has always been a little unreal to him. Just a thought. :) Nancy
Comment Written 21-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2011
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I always get gigged because I don't use enough description, so I through it in there to show describtions. I will check it out. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Jonesy
Very well done, especially how back story is woven into the dialogue. It's quick and seamless.
It's a fast-paced chapter but nothing wrong with that. I'd describe as "light reading" because of the pace. There are a few things I found, a couple nitpicky (the first two below) and a couple that needs fixing (the last two), but all in all a nicely done chapter.
***staring at a squirrel, he named Rocky, run up***
Nitpicking, but thought it read a bit awkward with the commas encapsulating "he named Rocky". Felt em dashes might fit better.
And is it necessary for the squirrel to have a name? If not, wonder if that falls under info-readers-don't-need-to-know.
***"It's a female. She's in need of a good divorce lawyer." ***
Again nitpicky, but would someone say "female" in this context? Seemed odd to me. Wonder if "woman" is better option
***Paul stroked at worn baseball sitting on in a display on his desk.***
Sentence definitely needs revamping
***After he drank a cold glass of tea and ate a few cookies, Troy stood.***
Slip-up here. Betty went into the kitchen for the tea and cookies, but never brought them into the den
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2011
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Very well done, especially how back story is woven into the dialogue. It's quick and seamless.
It's a fast-paced chapter but nothing wrong with that. I'd describe as "light reading" because of the pace. There are a few things I found, a couple nitpicky (the first two below) and a couple that needs fixing (the last two), but all in all a nicely done chapter.
***staring at a squirrel, he named Rocky, run up***
Nitpicking, but thought it read a bit awkward with the commas encapsulating "he named Rocky". Felt em dashes might fit better.
And is it necessary for the squirrel to have a name? If not, wonder if that falls under info-readers-don't-need-to-know.
***"It's a female. She's in need of a good divorce lawyer." ***
Again nitpicky, but would someone say "female" in this context? Seemed odd to me. Wonder if "woman" is better option
***Paul stroked at worn baseball sitting on in a display on his desk.***
Sentence definitely needs revamping
***After he drank a cold glass of tea and ate a few cookies, Troy stood.***
Slip-up here. Betty went into the kitchen for the tea and cookies, but never brought them into the den
Comment Written 21-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2011
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I will take a look at those areas. I named the squirrel because I have being gigged for not showing enough description of my characters. I would not have named him myself. Thank you for the kind review.
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You're welcome, and for Rocky, it 's your call of course, but unless he plays some role or will be in other scenes, I don't think he should have a name. It's the same principle as writing "and there was a gun on the coffee table", but never using it again. It plants in the reader's mind that Rocky will play some part, but then never does.
Just my take, and it is a minor point anyway.
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I agree.
