Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Part three Chapter two"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
82 total reviews
Comment from Helen Tan
I'm glad to read you're staying strong through the treatment.
At Troy's office, fear embraced him
Just a thought - "embraced" is a comforting, welcoming word. fear is not a welcomed emotion so maybe use "fear gripped him", something more aggressive.
. He yanked his cell phone from the clip and dialed 911. "Anna, forgive me for interfering, but I can't allow him to kill you. I just hope the police get here in time."
It's the best he can do for her but without a restraining order or a safe house for her to stay at, this action could well backfire.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2011
  |
I'm glad to read you're staying strong through the treatment.
At Troy's office, fear embraced him
Just a thought - "embraced" is a comforting, welcoming word. fear is not a welcomed emotion so maybe use "fear gripped him", something more aggressive.
. He yanked his cell phone from the clip and dialed 911. "Anna, forgive me for interfering, but I can't allow him to kill you. I just hope the police get here in time."
It's the best he can do for her but without a restraining order or a safe house for her to stay at, this action could well backfire.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2011
-
Thank you for your kind review. I made the change, he is now gripped with fear.
-
Ans I "embrace" the amendment! Stay happy and well. =D
Comment from Connie P
Troy is doing the right thing, UNLESS, Anna doesn't leave Bobby, and even then she'll have to be hidden and protected, probably until the s.o.b. (Bobby) is dead.
Good continuation. It makes my blood boil, I guess that's a good sign ;)
Glad to know your energy is returning!!
Connie
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2011
|
Troy is doing the right thing, UNLESS, Anna doesn't leave Bobby, and even then she'll have to be hidden and protected, probably until the s.o.b. (Bobby) is dead.
Good continuation. It makes my blood boil, I guess that's a good sign ;)
Glad to know your energy is returning!!
Connie
Comment Written 11-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2011
-
Thank you for your kind review and continued support.
Comment from adewpearl
First, and most importantly, I'm thrilled to hear the radiation is not as bad as the chemo, Barbara.
Now, to the story - you are very realistically representing what happens with so many abused women - even when help is offered them at first, they can't see a way to break free. They have ties with the husband even if he is in danger of killing them, and those ties and their fears can paralyze them and leave them in even graver danger.
I am so glad Anna has Troy to "interfere." Brooke
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2011
|
First, and most importantly, I'm thrilled to hear the radiation is not as bad as the chemo, Barbara.
Now, to the story - you are very realistically representing what happens with so many abused women - even when help is offered them at first, they can't see a way to break free. They have ties with the husband even if he is in danger of killing them, and those ties and their fears can paralyze them and leave them in even graver danger.
I am so glad Anna has Troy to "interfere." Brooke
Comment Written 11-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2011
-
Thank you for your kind review and continued support.
Comment from bookishfabler
Hey there. Yes, I thought this was very short. I do know it's hard sometimes to have enough for the whole chapter, or should you continue in another POV, or just leave it. Well, I klnow I struggle with it sometimes.
YEs, this si a hard subject, and never being a victim of this Thank God, it is hard to understand that fear. You are doing a great job. Hope the radiation goes smoothly.
hugs Heidi
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2011
|
Hey there. Yes, I thought this was very short. I do know it's hard sometimes to have enough for the whole chapter, or should you continue in another POV, or just leave it. Well, I klnow I struggle with it sometimes.
YEs, this si a hard subject, and never being a victim of this Thank God, it is hard to understand that fear. You are doing a great job. Hope the radiation goes smoothly.
hugs Heidi
Comment Written 11-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2011
-
I received a 4 because it was too short. I never knew that was a requirement for a 5. Oh well, I appreciate your review.
-
Maybe they hit the wrong button. I've done that before
-
I asked about that and she told me that she gave a 4 because it was so short.
-
Don't worry about it, it's just someones opinion. Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one.
Smile.
Comment from patmedium
Very good ... the tension, stress, fear and pain come across CLEARLY, dear Barbara. You transmit emotions to your readers most vividly. Pat. xxx
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2011
|
Very good ... the tension, stress, fear and pain come across CLEARLY, dear Barbara. You transmit emotions to your readers most vividly. Pat. xxx
Comment Written 11-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2011
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi Barb, thanks for updating on your condition. Stay well.
A short chapter, yes. Hopefully anna will be fine. Check some notes:
The following day, Troy paced the sidewalk in front of the bookstore waiting for Anna and [tried] to ignore the pain in his gut. - trying [tense not consistent]
Or break the sentence:
The following day, Troy paced the sidewalk in front of the bookstore waiting for Anna. He tried to ignore the pain in his gut.
At Troy's office, fear [embraced] him and he grabbed the phone book. - I think 'embrace' is more suitably used for something pleasing and comforting. Try 'gripped' here.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2011
|
Hi Barb, thanks for updating on your condition. Stay well.
A short chapter, yes. Hopefully anna will be fine. Check some notes:
The following day, Troy paced the sidewalk in front of the bookstore waiting for Anna and [tried] to ignore the pain in his gut. - trying [tense not consistent]
Or break the sentence:
The following day, Troy paced the sidewalk in front of the bookstore waiting for Anna. He tried to ignore the pain in his gut.
At Troy's office, fear [embraced] him and he grabbed the phone book. - I think 'embrace' is more suitably used for something pleasing and comforting. Try 'gripped' here.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2011
-
I have made the change to gripped, but I am confused on the first suggestion. I have Troy paced so why would it be and tried? Thank you for your kind review.
-
you originally have:
The following day, Troy paced the sidewalk in front of the bookstore [waiting] for Anna and [tried] to ignore the pain in his gut.
i think 'waiting' and 'tried' need to be of the same tense. that's how i understand it, but you can re-confirm with others. i could be wrong.
Comment from axelbeariter
"Anna, it's Troy." He pushed the door open a little. "I was worried. Damn! Did Bobby do this to you?" He touched her black and blue cheek. "Why didn't you call?" He brushed hair away from her swollen-shut eye.
When she stared at the floor, he touched her hand. "Get Michael. I'm taking you out of this house."
"Bitch, who's at the door?"
She slammed the door shut and locked it. "A salesman. I told him we weren't interested."/This has got to be one of the most accurate scenarios of abuse I've heard. And I was told about many during my 30 year journey of sobriety, and helping others in AA. Since I'm back at FS, I've also noted that your writing has improved greatly over what I remember as pretty good then. I commend you for that.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2011
|
"Anna, it's Troy." He pushed the door open a little. "I was worried. Damn! Did Bobby do this to you?" He touched her black and blue cheek. "Why didn't you call?" He brushed hair away from her swollen-shut eye.
When she stared at the floor, he touched her hand. "Get Michael. I'm taking you out of this house."
"Bitch, who's at the door?"
She slammed the door shut and locked it. "A salesman. I told him we weren't interested."/This has got to be one of the most accurate scenarios of abuse I've heard. And I was told about many during my 30 year journey of sobriety, and helping others in AA. Since I'm back at FS, I've also noted that your writing has improved greatly over what I remember as pretty good then. I commend you for that.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2011
-
Thank you for your kind review and encouragement.
Comment from Dave M
Barbara,
We just hope the radiation works. This is an excellent short chapter, no critical comments of any sort. Bobby sounds like he's out of control.
Dave
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2011
|
Barbara,
We just hope the radiation works. This is an excellent short chapter, no critical comments of any sort. Bobby sounds like he's out of control.
Dave
Comment Written 10-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2011
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Carolyn Hilliard
Yike! I was all set to sink my teeth in and enjoy a Sunday night read and review for about a half hour. Though short VERY POWERFUL.
With the situation being real; though the names are not, I'm okay with a nonfictional response; it may get some woman to read whose in this predicament. But I'm not the most honest human in the world.
Glad radiation is easier.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2011
|
Yike! I was all set to sink my teeth in and enjoy a Sunday night read and review for about a half hour. Though short VERY POWERFUL.
With the situation being real; though the names are not, I'm okay with a nonfictional response; it may get some woman to read whose in this predicament. But I'm not the most honest human in the world.
Glad radiation is easier.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2011
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Joan E.
I liked your establishing a very credible scene immediately, with Troy looking at his watch only four minutes after the previous time. In the final paragraph, the quick flashback is quite effective as well. The suspense is good about Anna's safety.
I am glad to hear that the radiation treatments are more tolerable than the chemo. Thank you for keeping us posted and know that we are sending your our best thoughts. -Joan
-Joan
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2011
|
I liked your establishing a very credible scene immediately, with Troy looking at his watch only four minutes after the previous time. In the final paragraph, the quick flashback is quite effective as well. The suspense is good about Anna's safety.
I am glad to hear that the radiation treatments are more tolerable than the chemo. Thank you for keeping us posted and know that we are sending your our best thoughts. -Joan
-Joan
Comment Written 10-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2011
-
Thank you for your kind review.
