Where Did Susan Go?
Lost inside.37 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
It was thin and scraggly now, anxiety was a killer - replace this comma with a period or a semicolon.
chances missed, love's lost - drop the apostrophe
a small boy peddled his bicycle - pedaled
You get inside this woman's depressed and angst-filled mind extremely well, showing the state of mind it takes to do something this desperate. Her morbid fascination with the maggots that would eat her adds to the mood.
How tragic that people can reach this point, feeling this alone and disconnected.
At least she didn't kill anyone on her way through traffic - I've seen too many news stories where some innocent person is stolen from his family by someone bent on suicide.
That she sees hope when it is too late - that is key to suicide - it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. A most compelling story, Susan. Brooke
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2011
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It was thin and scraggly now, anxiety was a killer - replace this comma with a period or a semicolon.
chances missed, love's lost - drop the apostrophe
a small boy peddled his bicycle - pedaled
You get inside this woman's depressed and angst-filled mind extremely well, showing the state of mind it takes to do something this desperate. Her morbid fascination with the maggots that would eat her adds to the mood.
How tragic that people can reach this point, feeling this alone and disconnected.
At least she didn't kill anyone on her way through traffic - I've seen too many news stories where some innocent person is stolen from his family by someone bent on suicide.
That she sees hope when it is too late - that is key to suicide - it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. A most compelling story, Susan. Brooke
Comment Written 07-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2011
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Hi Brooke! I will fix this asap...Thank you!! I am going thru some real stress...I just get down when it seems the harder I try, the less goes right. My troubles just seem to be permanent somehow. They really do. Years of torment and harassment...it's wearing me down, physically and mentally too. Such a mess, but at least I have FS and people like you to chat with and I am sorry I'm behind...I am trying to get moved too, and no place for ten animals either. xoxo, susan
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I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling so down, Susan. I wish I lived nearer so I could offer you a hug and a cup of tea. :-)
Comment from sugardog
This was dark, spooky, and so sad, Susan. I think it disturbed me so much, too, because you used your name-made me sad... Too bad Susan didn't see the hope before she took the pills. You captured her feelings of desperation well and I enjoyed your descriptions. I wish people didn't lose all hope in life. Nice work. I hope you are okay!!! P.M. me anytime, my friend. Where are you staying right now?? Dana
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2011
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This was dark, spooky, and so sad, Susan. I think it disturbed me so much, too, because you used your name-made me sad... Too bad Susan didn't see the hope before she took the pills. You captured her feelings of desperation well and I enjoyed your descriptions. I wish people didn't lose all hope in life. Nice work. I hope you are okay!!! P.M. me anytime, my friend. Where are you staying right now?? Dana
Comment Written 07-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2011
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Hi Dana! Thank you so much. I have two weeks to get a whole farm out of here. I should NEVER have agreed to thirty days. There's no way. I have storage bins reserved and no energy tho to pack things even. No family that can help either. ! And what's odd, I know every one of you here on FS would pitch in and get this place packed up, loaded and out of here if you could. That makes me feel better. But, the reality is quite different. I have no idea what to do. Thank you for asking and caring, you are so good to me. xoxo, susan
Comment from Connie P
This is terrifying. You've really done a good job with the dynamic of shock. It's a great piece, but I do have a couple of corrections needed noted below along with some observations and suggestions.
Connie
Notes:
*She absent-mindedly run(ran) her fingers through her hair.
; not good enough to be a wife or girl-friend**(girlfriend). Only used, abused, and thrown away.
She flung the hair-brush**(hairbrush) on the floor and took the pile of pills to.
*(If you're writing in UK English disregard the compound word notes.)
Memories of her father loving Ford trucks tried to poke through her foggy mind, but dissapated**(dissipated) in the haze of the overdose.
She laughed inside at the idea of maggots eating her guts out. And flies sipping the juice from her eyeballs.(This woman is insane, even the most despondent person wouldn't have these thoughts)
Clammy mud and the chill of death racked her body, as Susan lightly coughed, almost choking, as her vital organs began to shut down. *(rather than using 'as' twice in what is almost a run on sentence, consider breaking it into two sentences: 'Clammy mud and the chill of death racked her body. Susan lightly coughed, almost choked, as her vital organ began to shut down.)
It was only then, that she saw the beauty that was hope; after it was too late, she knew where she'd gone wrong. (Once again, consider: Only then did she see the beauty of hope. After it was too late, she knew where she'd gone wrong.
Great story!
Connie
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2011
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This is terrifying. You've really done a good job with the dynamic of shock. It's a great piece, but I do have a couple of corrections needed noted below along with some observations and suggestions.
Connie
Notes:
*She absent-mindedly run(ran) her fingers through her hair.
; not good enough to be a wife or girl-friend**(girlfriend). Only used, abused, and thrown away.
She flung the hair-brush**(hairbrush) on the floor and took the pile of pills to.
*(If you're writing in UK English disregard the compound word notes.)
Memories of her father loving Ford trucks tried to poke through her foggy mind, but dissapated**(dissipated) in the haze of the overdose.
She laughed inside at the idea of maggots eating her guts out. And flies sipping the juice from her eyeballs.(This woman is insane, even the most despondent person wouldn't have these thoughts)
Clammy mud and the chill of death racked her body, as Susan lightly coughed, almost choking, as her vital organs began to shut down. *(rather than using 'as' twice in what is almost a run on sentence, consider breaking it into two sentences: 'Clammy mud and the chill of death racked her body. Susan lightly coughed, almost choked, as her vital organ began to shut down.)
It was only then, that she saw the beauty that was hope; after it was too late, she knew where she'd gone wrong. (Once again, consider: Only then did she see the beauty of hope. After it was too late, she knew where she'd gone wrong.
Great story!
Connie
Comment Written 07-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2011
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Hi Connie! What a helpful and very encouraging review. I fixed the errors and thank you so much! I am going thru some hard times, depression is my buddy for now...I will do my best to cheer up soon. I really appreciate your time and help! It means a great deal to me...susan ( oh, I am in Indiana, U.S., so no worries about the U.K. grammer) Thanks again!!
Comment from humpwhistle
Oh, Susan, this is very well-written and atmospheric, but it strikes a little too close to your home for me.
I wish you hadn't used the name Susan.
Of course, that Susan didn't have fans and friends, and a lot of people who would miss her greatly. Without our friends and loved ones, Suse, life might be pretty bleak.
I guess we're lucky.
Really good write, Suse. But do me a favor, and write something about friends next time, eh?
Hang int there, Suse. Peace, your friend, Lee
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2011
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Oh, Susan, this is very well-written and atmospheric, but it strikes a little too close to your home for me.
I wish you hadn't used the name Susan.
Of course, that Susan didn't have fans and friends, and a lot of people who would miss her greatly. Without our friends and loved ones, Suse, life might be pretty bleak.
I guess we're lucky.
Really good write, Suse. But do me a favor, and write something about friends next time, eh?
Hang int there, Suse. Peace, your friend, Lee
Comment Written 07-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2011
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Hi Lee, I will surely try...I will. You are so right, but all my friends are you (all) on Fanstory...and at times, it just seems so, well, I don't know. I will do my best to cheer up. But this bs here just never ends...You take care too!! Susan
Comment from Dale95
Wow did this hit home with me. My younger brother just shot himself less than three weeks ago. He was 56, retired, had a nice wife, a beautiful home, three Rottweilers , a Harley plus all the toys.
Who knew??? It just boggles my mind.
So tell me about this hope that Susan saw and how do we spread it around?
So sad. - Dale
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2011
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Wow did this hit home with me. My younger brother just shot himself less than three weeks ago. He was 56, retired, had a nice wife, a beautiful home, three Rottweilers , a Harley plus all the toys.
Who knew??? It just boggles my mind.
So tell me about this hope that Susan saw and how do we spread it around?
So sad. - Dale
Comment Written 07-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2011
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Hi Dale, I am SO sorry about your brother. This sort of depression is clinical, but really does go untreated most of the time...IF only he had reached out...but I know how it feels...it's hard to admit to these feelings. I am down, but trying hard to hang onto the dim light at the end of the tunnel. My problems seem overwhelming, but I try to tell myself that it could be worse. But it's hard. All my friends are far away and seem like dreams most of the time. I really don't know if I have hope left, sometimes yes, sometimes no. How do you cope with this loss? I don't do this, because of my son. I wish I could have helped your brother...somehow. Gee. Please take care and let me know how you are? Susan
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Hi Susan, thanks for replying back. This kind of tragedy is consuming me right now. It has been my primary focus for a number of years now, and itâ??s my main theme in my, soon to be posted novel, â??The Shelter Kidsâ??.
I have been trying to figure out just what is missing in this phony modern-world that throws us out of balance so bad. Depression is epidemic nowadays and I am beginning to understand why. Medication does not solve the problem, it only hides the symptoms, a temporary and addictive band-aid at best.
I have found trinity, the power of three to be a key. One learning, one showing, and one mentoring (observing and guiding). But the real magic, and power, and strength, comes from helping others. A â??cosmicâ?? purpose to live for. Helping others gives me insight, an empathetic understanding that comes from feeling, and seeing what the world looks like, from a dogâ??s POV. Watching and coaching a kid trying to teach a dog to perform a task, that makes no sense atall is just plain fun-ny. There is magic in this kind of stuff, and it is REAL!!!
The kids are our salvation, train them well. Dale
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OH if only I could find such peace and joy...it sounds like you have found something that makes life worth living. Wow. I really am just an empty shell most of the time. Now, so fatigued from stress that I can barely function anymore. My very best to you Dale. Smile at the world for me? Susan
Comment from BethShelby
This is a eerie chilling story of someone who believe they have no reason left to live. It is sad that people sometimes become so disillusioned with life that they believe this is the only way. I can imagine the horror the child would feel if he comes upon such a sight. It would probably haunt him for years.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2011
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This is a eerie chilling story of someone who believe they have no reason left to live. It is sad that people sometimes become so disillusioned with life that they believe this is the only way. I can imagine the horror the child would feel if he comes upon such a sight. It would probably haunt him for years.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2011
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Hi Beth...You were the first to think of the kid! He is just bobbling along with his dog, who, of course, smells a dead lady. I was thinking of continuing this with the POV of the boy? Let me know if this is good or not? Thank you and I will pull out of this hole someday. I hope...hugs and a smile for you Beth...susan
Comment from Kathryn Varuzza
Susan,
Wow!
This is powerful writing.
Good descriptions.
You capture her emotions so well.
Great photo for it too.
So sad that so many people feel like this in this world. It should not be this way.
Hugs,
Katie
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2011
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Susan,
Wow!
This is powerful writing.
Good descriptions.
You capture her emotions so well.
Great photo for it too.
So sad that so many people feel like this in this world. It should not be this way.
Hugs,
Katie
Comment Written 07-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2011
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Hi Katie! Thank you so much...I get so depressed, this story is a way to sort of vent my frustrations. I hope it isn't too gross or sad for you. I'm hanging in the best I can. LOVE< susan
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Hi Susan,
You're welcome. I send you a rainbow to make you smile. :)
Love,
Katie
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HI Katie! I have to turn my pc off tomorrow or the next day? I am sorry to miss your contest, I will be back as soon as I settle somewhere! Be happy and have a wonderful spring! LOVE! Suse
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Hi Suse,
Don't worry about it. You too. Good luck.
love,
katie
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OH I needed a rainbow! HUGS and a thousand thanks Katie! ") s.
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You're welcome.
Hugs,
Katie
Comment from Laurie Clayton
This is a wonderfully well written
piece of work.
It engages the reader from start to finish,
nice tight writing keeps the pace well.
Shame that a young boy will be the one to find her.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2011
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This is a wonderfully well written
piece of work.
It engages the reader from start to finish,
nice tight writing keeps the pace well.
Shame that a young boy will be the one to find her.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2011
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OH Laurie...thank you. Your kind and generous review is a little sparkler in the dark. HUGS and many more thank you's! xoxo, susan
Comment from penelope
Hi, Susan,
Your story is heart-breaking but good. It's horrible to reach such a stage of desperation and, I know you too have been and are going through some very demanding times. Have you heard of Ester and Jerry Hicks? Start listening to them on Hay House or I'm sure there are some u-tube videos. You'll end up laughing at all the drama you've created. I really hope you do this because you're not here and I can't talk to you face to face. Please excuse me for being so outspoken (outwritten)--it's not usually my way.
Back to your story. There's where your pearl is. You are such a versatile and good writer. That's a gift and I'm sure you have many more. I'm praying for you that you will find a solution to your housing problem and that you'll find the strength to keep going that extra mile.
There's nothing to critique about your story except:
She absent-mindedly run her (ran)
Penelope
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2011
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Hi, Susan,
Your story is heart-breaking but good. It's horrible to reach such a stage of desperation and, I know you too have been and are going through some very demanding times. Have you heard of Ester and Jerry Hicks? Start listening to them on Hay House or I'm sure there are some u-tube videos. You'll end up laughing at all the drama you've created. I really hope you do this because you're not here and I can't talk to you face to face. Please excuse me for being so outspoken (outwritten)--it's not usually my way.
Back to your story. There's where your pearl is. You are such a versatile and good writer. That's a gift and I'm sure you have many more. I'm praying for you that you will find a solution to your housing problem and that you'll find the strength to keep going that extra mile.
There's nothing to critique about your story except:
She absent-mindedly run her (ran)
Penelope
Comment Written 07-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2011
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HI Pen! I fixed that too! Thank you very much!! I will try to listen to the You Tube things soon? I am so far behind, just two weeks to get out of here...ten animals and nowhere to go with them! The jokes on me, again! I'm just a fool, pure and simple. BUT, at least I have you and other nice friends here! That is so helpful...I appreciate you so. xoxo, susan
Comment from Fireshadow
Susan, this is a great story, well developed and penned based on and inspired by the photo. Somehow I think that a little bit of your own frustrations and anger has filtered through in the storyline - just my personal perception. Only one suggestion :
She absent-mindedly run [ran] her fingers through her hair.
Otherwise, excellent work, my friend.
Ama
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2011
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Susan, this is a great story, well developed and penned based on and inspired by the photo. Somehow I think that a little bit of your own frustrations and anger has filtered through in the storyline - just my personal perception. Only one suggestion :
She absent-mindedly run [ran] her fingers through her hair.
Otherwise, excellent work, my friend.
Ama
Comment Written 07-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2011
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Hi there Ama...I am having a time, but will do my best to deal with this mess. I wish I had a brain. Mine is just gone and I need a new one like the Scarecrow...fatigue and depression are just evil. Thanks for being here my dear friend...xoxo, susan
