The Glass Cat Eye
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "The Meeting of the Hearts"Talking to the dead has its consequences
34 total reviews
Comment from JW
This is a well written and quite interesting story. While I was able to follow what was going on, reading this chapter made me wish I would have caught the earlier ones.
Good job.
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2011
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This is a well written and quite interesting story. While I was able to follow what was going on, reading this chapter made me wish I would have caught the earlier ones.
Good job.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2011
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Thank you for stopping by and checking me out. With the exception of the first chapter, the other chapters are very short. So if you care to, check out chapter 5. And thank you again for reading and reviewing. Blessings to you my friend.
Comment from WilliamDeen
Good story, good descriptions, good details and dialogue. It was a good read and interesting work. I did get a little hung up with the pov transitions. It skipped from Steven and Esther frequently. Need to stick with one, start a new scene and switch. Nice job!
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2011
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Good story, good descriptions, good details and dialogue. It was a good read and interesting work. I did get a little hung up with the pov transitions. It skipped from Steven and Esther frequently. Need to stick with one, start a new scene and switch. Nice job!
Comment Written 16-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2011
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Thank you for stopping by and reviewing. I really appreciate the input. I think I understand your advice, but I'm not sure.
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Reader's like to be invested in the character. Telling the story, chapter, or scene from one point of view helps keep the reader attached. Going from one person's point of view to another can be confusing and you might lose the reader. Just something to think about.
Comment from forestport12
Pov or point of view can be a tricky thing. Often we jump from a set of different eyes in the middle of the story without knowing it. A good rule of thumb is to keep the action as seen from one pair of eyes, while giving the reader the 3rd person point of view. The dialogue in the beginning was sharp, crisp, and believable. Getting into the emotional head of Steven is a strong point that helps to carry the story. You made the reader want to know how it will continue, which includes me. Stan
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2011
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Pov or point of view can be a tricky thing. Often we jump from a set of different eyes in the middle of the story without knowing it. A good rule of thumb is to keep the action as seen from one pair of eyes, while giving the reader the 3rd person point of view. The dialogue in the beginning was sharp, crisp, and believable. Getting into the emotional head of Steven is a strong point that helps to carry the story. You made the reader want to know how it will continue, which includes me. Stan
Comment Written 16-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2011
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You're the second person who spoke of Pov. Ok. I'll read some of your stuff to see if I can get a handle on it. Thank you for you valueable input.
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Sometimes a sneak into the review to see if I'm not being stupid about a point I might make. POV was my biggest weakness. The main thing that people told me was how I confused them. That I jumped around into each head from the same scene. But at the same time I had the impression that if I'm writing with an omnicient point of view, why not? The best sellers all have one thing in common. They break all the rules and get away with it, because they sell sell. Ever get tagged for inserting fragmented sentences? It's a good way to wake the reader up, but If I do it, it wakes up all the retired English teachers who are on the sight. I have come to accept this is a great sight to help me with my mechanical woes, which are many. Stan
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hahaha And all of the retired English teachers stil don't realize that you can start a sentence with a conjunction...that doing so is not grammatically incorrect. It's just that English teachers don't like it. I do it all the time and I've gotten away with it in college. But you're right. If you're writing in third person, you should know everything about every body. I even know what the demons in my story are going to do before they do them. I'm trying let my readers know everything that's in the minds of all of my characters. I've been tagged for not give Esther more of a role, so now I have to work on that.
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Conjunctions to start a sentence: guilty is charged, your honour.
Comment from animatqua
Specifically:
The section above ~~~~~~~~~ was entirely from Steven's point of view. You maintained that below those lines to this point:
Esther didnā??t answer but looked up at him. He pulled her close to him and passionately kissed her, but she was as ice in his arms. Steven felt awkward and stepped back. [Still Steven's point of view]
She looked into Stevenā??s eyes and saw love and hurt staring back at her. She let out a deep sigh as she struggled to choose her words carefully.[Esther's point of view]
From here, you switch back and forth until you reach Stevenā??s Study Room: Evening Then you maintain Steven's viewpoint again.
If you like, I will cut and paste the problem section and PM you with ways to put the entire piece into one POV or the other.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2011
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Specifically:
The section above ~~~~~~~~~ was entirely from Steven's point of view. You maintained that below those lines to this point:
Esther didnā??t answer but looked up at him. He pulled her close to him and passionately kissed her, but she was as ice in his arms. Steven felt awkward and stepped back. [Still Steven's point of view]
She looked into Stevenā??s eyes and saw love and hurt staring back at her. She let out a deep sigh as she struggled to choose her words carefully.[Esther's point of view]
From here, you switch back and forth until you reach Stevenā??s Study Room: Evening Then you maintain Steven's viewpoint again.
If you like, I will cut and paste the problem section and PM you with ways to put the entire piece into one POV or the other.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2011
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You could be right, but I'm not sure if I follow your meaning. Can you be more specific? I'll need your clear input if I'm to make improvements. I really want this story to be good. Thank you for reading and reviewing. Try to get back to me ASAP so I can make the changes. Blessings to you my friend.
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This story is not being told in Steven's Pov. I'm the narrator. I'm telling this story. And I don't have to tell through one charater or another.
Comment from MS Writer
Your use of vivid verbs really makes the sentences stand out. I enjoy this story very much. You have real life characters with great dialogue. Great read. Found a few things:
Her bright smiled lit up his world.
?Her bright smile lit up his world.
UPC and found though a treat,
?not sure I understand this part
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2011
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Your use of vivid verbs really makes the sentences stand out. I enjoy this story very much. You have real life characters with great dialogue. Great read. Found a few things:
Her bright smiled lit up his world.
?Her bright smile lit up his world.
UPC and found though a treat,
?not sure I understand this part
Comment Written 16-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2011
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Thank you for reading and finding the errors. It should read, "... UPC and found, though it posed a threat,.." I've made the corrections you suggested.
Comment from Fireshadow
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Amahra, this is a fascinating storyline, with the plot increasingly intensifying. Very well penned with detailed descriptions and strong dialogue and characterizations. Only a couple of suggestions :
Steven just smile[d].
peek-a-boo look at her full breast[s].
Otherwise, very well done, my friend. I look forward to reading future installments.
Ama
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2011
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Amahra, this is a fascinating storyline, with the plot increasingly intensifying. Very well penned with detailed descriptions and strong dialogue and characterizations. Only a couple of suggestions :
Steven just smile[d].
peek-a-boo look at her full breast[s].
Otherwise, very well done, my friend. I look forward to reading future installments.
Ama
Comment Written 16-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2011
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I've made the corrections you suggested.
Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran
I was impressed with your story and it has a good story line. It's well written and enjoyable to read. Needs no change . Thanks for sharing with me. Mary
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2011
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I was impressed with your story and it has a good story line. It's well written and enjoyable to read. Needs no change . Thanks for sharing with me. Mary
Comment Written 16-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2011
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate you.
Comment from adewpearl
Steven, I swear I'll make it up to you - add comma for direct address
What came up, Esther - add comma
you're not at a Madame Reece. - you're not at Madame Reece's.
Oh God, Esther - add comma
Steven, I'll call - add comma
Whe knows how you feel about her involvement with Reece." Doc reasoned - Reece," Doc
Doc, I'm worried - add comma
Steven's shifted his body - Steven shifted
You describe Steven's feelings so compellingly when he feels rejected by Esther
Brooke
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2011
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Steven, I swear I'll make it up to you - add comma for direct address
What came up, Esther - add comma
you're not at a Madame Reece. - you're not at Madame Reece's.
Oh God, Esther - add comma
Steven, I'll call - add comma
Whe knows how you feel about her involvement with Reece." Doc reasoned - Reece," Doc
Doc, I'm worried - add comma
Steven's shifted his body - Steven shifted
You describe Steven's feelings so compellingly when he feels rejected by Esther
Brooke
Comment Written 15-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2011
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Than you so much; I made the changes. I'm glad you like it.
Comment from Deejharrington
I am new to your story, so I appreciated the summary at the beginning. I had no trouble falling into the story. The plot was easy to get into. Your dialog was believable and real. I will continue to follow the story.
dj
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2011
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I am new to your story, so I appreciated the summary at the beginning. I had no trouble falling into the story. The plot was easy to get into. Your dialog was believable and real. I will continue to follow the story.
dj
Comment Written 15-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2011
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Thank you for stopping by. The other chapters except Chapter I are very short. I really appreciate the review and high ranking.
Comment from MENNIPLOSS
WHEN READING, THIS CHAPTER, THAT SHOWS A GOOD WRITER AND WHOSE NARRATIVE IS VERY BEAUTIFUL, I REALIZE THAT YOU HAVE MADE A SUPERB BOOK, CONGRATULATIONS.
MENNIPLOSS
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2011
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WHEN READING, THIS CHAPTER, THAT SHOWS A GOOD WRITER AND WHOSE NARRATIVE IS VERY BEAUTIFUL, I REALIZE THAT YOU HAVE MADE A SUPERB BOOK, CONGRATULATIONS.
MENNIPLOSS
Comment Written 15-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2011
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Thank you so much for stopping and reading. I appreciate your review. I'm flattered.
