Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Part two Chapter two"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
70 total reviews
Comment from MelB
My heart breaks for Anna. I hope she goes to Troy, but I'm wondering what this diagnosis is of his. No matter what it is, it has to be better than this.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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My heart breaks for Anna. I hope she goes to Troy, but I'm wondering what this diagnosis is of his. No matter what it is, it has to be better than this.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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Thank you
Comment from NaughtieScribe
Oh mercy I just wanted her to find a gun or knife and amputate the only head he has that works. The fact that he would actually shake his child, and rape his wife. Goodness please let this bastard meet a horrible death.
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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Oh mercy I just wanted her to find a gun or knife and amputate the only head he has that works. The fact that he would actually shake his child, and rape his wife. Goodness please let this bastard meet a horrible death.
Comment Written 14-May-2012
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from rzubey
Oh my gosh, that was so raw and brutal. I can imagine that this must have been horrific for you to write this. I applaud you for getting this down on paper. This makes perfect, brutal sense. I want to say keep up te good work. I really need to know what happened so I am looking forward to the next installment. I really wish this story could get to a wider public. This would help people.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
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Oh my gosh, that was so raw and brutal. I can imagine that this must have been horrific for you to write this. I applaud you for getting this down on paper. This makes perfect, brutal sense. I want to say keep up te good work. I really need to know what happened so I am looking forward to the next installment. I really wish this story could get to a wider public. This would help people.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
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I hope someday it will be published. Thank you.
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Barbara-I wish you every good luck with getting it published. You deserve every success. How are you doing? In your older post you said you were fighting cancer. I hope all is getting better for you.
Comment from Tamis Renteria
Wow, you really upped the drama with the forced sex scene and the child in the next room. You have a great ear for authentic dialogue.
Again, I would put in a little more description in the middle of all the dialogue. Give us specific details that really flesh these people and this situation out beyond what they say. For example, what does her husband's face look like when he's raping her? Does his stomach stick out of his shirt? Is he sweating? Does he sneer? Pant? Grunt? Make him even more disgusting by showing specifics. How does the penis feel in her mouth? Does she gag?
You are really good at dialogue and plotting.
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reply by the author on 23-Aug-2011
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Wow, you really upped the drama with the forced sex scene and the child in the next room. You have a great ear for authentic dialogue.
Again, I would put in a little more description in the middle of all the dialogue. Give us specific details that really flesh these people and this situation out beyond what they say. For example, what does her husband's face look like when he's raping her? Does his stomach stick out of his shirt? Is he sweating? Does he sneer? Pant? Grunt? Make him even more disgusting by showing specifics. How does the penis feel in her mouth? Does she gag?
You are really good at dialogue and plotting.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2011
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Thank you, just so you know I just read an article in this months writer's digest that discuss using too much discription. You may want to find the article and read it.
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
I often wonder why so many men hate women so. they believe they have the right to beat them, and they call all women bitches and cunts--even when the women have done nothing to them. I should read some books about it to prepare myself for books I want to write.
Still holding a handful of hair, he slugged her [and] then threw her into the wall.
Roberta
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2011
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I often wonder why so many men hate women so. they believe they have the right to beat them, and they call all women bitches and cunts--even when the women have done nothing to them. I should read some books about it to prepare myself for books I want to write.
Still holding a handful of hair, he slugged her [and] then threw her into the wall.
Roberta
Comment Written 10-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2011
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Thank you for the kind review. Many men think it's okay to beat women
Comment from writerwish
The details here became necessary to show the depth. Good going..
Suggestion..
all too familiar not all to familiar.
reply by the author on 07-May-2011
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The details here became necessary to show the depth. Good going..
Suggestion..
all too familiar not all to familiar.
Comment Written 06-May-2011
reply by the author on 07-May-2011
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I fixed the too. I can't understand how others missed these. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from cjsthoughts
WOW! you went through Chemo also!.. Your a very strong women...
Thanks for sharing..........................................
ox
Cheryl
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2011
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WOW! you went through Chemo also!.. Your a very strong women...
Thanks for sharing..........................................
ox
Cheryl
Comment Written 17-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2011
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Thank you for your kind review. Yes, I did 20 weeks of chemo.
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Your very welcome! Wow. Hope all is getting better!.. God Bless
Comment from dinoscribe
You pulled no punches here. This is an eerily accurate description of domestic violence.
A very powerful chapter. I only hope he keeps his hands of the boy.
Very well deserved ribbons.
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2011
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You pulled no punches here. This is an eerily accurate description of domestic violence.
A very powerful chapter. I only hope he keeps his hands of the boy.
Very well deserved ribbons.
Comment Written 15-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2011
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Thank you for your thoughts.
Comment from Connie P
Somehow I missed this chapter. Bobby is the worst kind of low-life (not even strong enough language to describe him). Anyone who can't conceive this kind of abuse should watch 'The Burning Bed'. It really makes me angry, but I have a feeling he'll get his.
Connie
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2011
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Somehow I missed this chapter. Bobby is the worst kind of low-life (not even strong enough language to describe him). Anyone who can't conceive this kind of abuse should watch 'The Burning Bed'. It really makes me angry, but I have a feeling he'll get his.
Connie
Comment Written 11-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from SWANNY
This was a good chapter. You did a good job of portraying the violence in Anna's life. The writing flowed well. I really only have one suggestion to make this time:
Her hand covered the hit area. - This sounds kind of awkward to me and it seems like there is more you can do with this opportunity to describe the situation. How about something like: Her hand instinctively flew to the spot on her face where he struck her. She could feel that it was already beginning to swell as the all too familiar pain cut through her lip. (Or whatever. Did the lip split when he hit her. Does she maybe taste blood? What is she thinking? is she wondering why she ever married him? Is she wondering why he's changed so much, maybe he wasn't like this when they first met? Is she worried that she might see the other guy again (sorry his name escapes me at the moment) and have to explain to him what happened? Does the idea of it embarass her, make her feel ashamed? Maybe having her mind jump to thoughts of him while she's going though this could be a powerful way of showing where her mind is. Anyhow, just some ideas to get you thinking. Overall, I think it was well done.)
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2011
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This was a good chapter. You did a good job of portraying the violence in Anna's life. The writing flowed well. I really only have one suggestion to make this time:
Her hand covered the hit area. - This sounds kind of awkward to me and it seems like there is more you can do with this opportunity to describe the situation. How about something like: Her hand instinctively flew to the spot on her face where he struck her. She could feel that it was already beginning to swell as the all too familiar pain cut through her lip. (Or whatever. Did the lip split when he hit her. Does she maybe taste blood? What is she thinking? is she wondering why she ever married him? Is she wondering why he's changed so much, maybe he wasn't like this when they first met? Is she worried that she might see the other guy again (sorry his name escapes me at the moment) and have to explain to him what happened? Does the idea of it embarass her, make her feel ashamed? Maybe having her mind jump to thoughts of him while she's going though this could be a powerful way of showing where her mind is. Anyhow, just some ideas to get you thinking. Overall, I think it was well done.)
Comment Written 10-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2011
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I like your suggestions. Thank you for the great review. I am making the changes now.
