The Glass Cat Eye
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Steven and the Forces of Darkness"Talking to the dead has its consequences
7 total reviews
Comment from Paradox Tremors
I thought I had read and left a review for this chapter as well--in fact, I thought this was the chapter I had originally started with on this great story of yours. Anyway, I love it and Steven should be a little more shaken up if not scared. Love it!
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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I thought I had read and left a review for this chapter as well--in fact, I thought this was the chapter I had originally started with on this great story of yours. Anyway, I love it and Steven should be a little more shaken up if not scared. Love it!
Comment Written 29-May-2011
reply by the author on 29-May-2011
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Thank you Tremors. I really appreciate this. This is a lot of reading my friend. lol
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Its not a lot when the story is as good as this is. You should look into publishing this my friend.
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I would love to publish this, but I had to run it pass you guys first.
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Nothing wrong with that. All of your characters are believable (for the setting and all).
Comment from Veekz
Somehow I missed this one and boy am I glad I realized cos this is one exciting chapter!! How terrifying it must have been for Steven, especially not having believed in it prior - bet he does now lol :)
Fix up's:
"I...I have a gun." He lied.
-comma and lower case needed i.e.
"I...I have a gun(,)" (h)e lied.
"Where is this damn thing?!" He cried out; the force of this darkness had come closer
-lower case needed i.e.
"Where is this damn thing?!" (h)e cried out; the force of this darkness had come closer
"Yes! " He yelled out in a whispered voice.
-lower case needed and extra space removed i.e.
"Yes!" (h)e yelled out in a whispered voice.
"A body." It said.
-comma and lower case needed i.e.
"A body(,)" (i)t said.
"Are you satisfied?" He asked it.
-lower case needed i.e.
"Are you satisfied?" (h)e asked it.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2011
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Somehow I missed this one and boy am I glad I realized cos this is one exciting chapter!! How terrifying it must have been for Steven, especially not having believed in it prior - bet he does now lol :)
Fix up's:
"I...I have a gun." He lied.
-comma and lower case needed i.e.
"I...I have a gun(,)" (h)e lied.
"Where is this damn thing?!" He cried out; the force of this darkness had come closer
-lower case needed i.e.
"Where is this damn thing?!" (h)e cried out; the force of this darkness had come closer
"Yes! " He yelled out in a whispered voice.
-lower case needed and extra space removed i.e.
"Yes!" (h)e yelled out in a whispered voice.
"A body." It said.
-comma and lower case needed i.e.
"A body(,)" (i)t said.
"Are you satisfied?" He asked it.
-lower case needed i.e.
"Are you satisfied?" (h)e asked it.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2011
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Thanks. But you read chapter 4. lol But I'm glad you did. I missed a lot. I'll go back and make the corrections. Chapter 5 should be better. Stop by chapter 5. it's real short. Thanks buddy.
Comment from Gungalo
Oh this is very creepy and freaky and I love it. Your words here are written very well and it was easy to see what was happeing, girl. I love your word choices and descriptions of what he sees. Awesome imagery as in snatching the raven!!!
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2011
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Oh this is very creepy and freaky and I love it. Your words here are written very well and it was easy to see what was happeing, girl. I love your word choices and descriptions of what he sees. Awesome imagery as in snatching the raven!!!
Comment Written 01-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2011
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Thank you very much for your reading. I am so glad you liked it.
I'm trying figure out how to bring it all together and end it.
Comment from dinoscribe
This is good. Your description and imagery of the basement made me jump as a pair of eyes stared back at him and the foul odour. You use personification well, especially with the wind and the tree whipping the chimney, very expressive.
This I don't feel needs any changing, everything about it has pertinence, even when it seems obscure, such as the road and raven scene. It's not, I know it fits, don't get me wrong. I'm just saying that I am truly looking forward to your next post. It's an excellent tactic leaving the reader on a cliff hanger. Well done. :)
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2011
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This is good. Your description and imagery of the basement made me jump as a pair of eyes stared back at him and the foul odour. You use personification well, especially with the wind and the tree whipping the chimney, very expressive.
This I don't feel needs any changing, everything about it has pertinence, even when it seems obscure, such as the road and raven scene. It's not, I know it fits, don't get me wrong. I'm just saying that I am truly looking forward to your next post. It's an excellent tactic leaving the reader on a cliff hanger. Well done. :)
Comment Written 01-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2011
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Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I really do appreciate it. I really need this feedback. Bless you.
Comment from Connie P
I just dropped in on this but it is captivating and very well written. The descriptive narrative is wonderful, especially the putrid smell of evil.
Notes:
*They disagreed and argued Theology back and forth,(I'm not certain theology should be capitalized here)
By the time he reached the house, his teeth were clanking *(clanking is the sound of metal on metal, consider revising)
Yes! he yelled out in a whispery voice*(Yes needs quotes, I think 'he' should be capitalized since you ended 'Yes!' with the exclamation point and whispery is not a word that I can find ... whispered would work.
Connie
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2011
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I just dropped in on this but it is captivating and very well written. The descriptive narrative is wonderful, especially the putrid smell of evil.
Notes:
*They disagreed and argued Theology back and forth,(I'm not certain theology should be capitalized here)
By the time he reached the house, his teeth were clanking *(clanking is the sound of metal on metal, consider revising)
Yes! he yelled out in a whispery voice*(Yes needs quotes, I think 'he' should be capitalized since you ended 'Yes!' with the exclamation point and whispery is not a word that I can find ... whispered would work.
Connie
Comment Written 01-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2011
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Thanks Connie for the suggestions and the rating. Will make the corrections.
Comment from adewpearl
Excellent description of setting
You build suspense well as the cold chill grips Steven on his walk up to the house
I love the crashing sounds, the chill in the air, the foul odor - great sensory detail to create mood and contribute to Steven's fear.
He's pointed his flashlight like a crazy man - He pointed
He heard his bones crack as he tried desperately to breathe - that is a most compelling sentence.
You gave us quite a scare, Mr. Crane -add comma for direct address
Oh, what suspense in the final lines Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2011
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Excellent description of setting
You build suspense well as the cold chill grips Steven on his walk up to the house
I love the crashing sounds, the chill in the air, the foul odor - great sensory detail to create mood and contribute to Steven's fear.
He's pointed his flashlight like a crazy man - He pointed
He heard his bones crack as he tried desperately to breathe - that is a most compelling sentence.
You gave us quite a scare, Mr. Crane -add comma for direct address
Oh, what suspense in the final lines Brooke :-)
Comment Written 01-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2011
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Thank you Brook. I was making some changes suggested by another reader. I was trying to finish before anyone read it. I hope I didn't change what you liked. Blessings as always my friend.
Comment from moyramouse
Had you posted this previously and then withdrawn it to revise, because I feel I have read it before. You certainly crank up the chill factor in this one. I had goose bumps everywhere when he saw the eyes. Then the terror really began. I think the repetition of Feeling doesn't do quite the job you wanted. I understand you were trying to get the atmosphere of him desperately trying to find the window, but personally it didn't work. I think you are so good at describing atmosphere that a few sentences would work much better. I am really enjoying this story and can't wait for what he is going to tell Reece. xxmouse
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2011
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Had you posted this previously and then withdrawn it to revise, because I feel I have read it before. You certainly crank up the chill factor in this one. I had goose bumps everywhere when he saw the eyes. Then the terror really began. I think the repetition of Feeling doesn't do quite the job you wanted. I understand you were trying to get the atmosphere of him desperately trying to find the window, but personally it didn't work. I think you are so good at describing atmosphere that a few sentences would work much better. I am really enjoying this story and can't wait for what he is going to tell Reece. xxmouse
Comment Written 01-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2011
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Thank you mouse. I thought I was being cleaver there, lol. I'll see how I can change it and make it more believeable.
