Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Part One of Chapter Two"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
93 total reviews
Comment from NaughtieScribe
Only desperation would allow me to leave my child in the care of a man (nice though he maybe) of a total stranger. That fact makes what she is going through all the more riveting and relatable.
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
  |
Only desperation would allow me to leave my child in the care of a man (nice though he maybe) of a total stranger. That fact makes what she is going through all the more riveting and relatable.
Comment Written 14-May-2012
reply by the author on 14-May-2012
-
Thank you for the kind review and flowing my story from beginning.
Comment from rzubey
Oh I can't believe that Bobby will prevent Michael from getting the medicine. That is a really good cliffhanger. I know that's the reality of domestic violence and that the reality is really devastating. You really capture that well. You really caught my interest when you tslked about Troy's diagnosis. Great writing. No faults to find.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
|
Oh I can't believe that Bobby will prevent Michael from getting the medicine. That is a really good cliffhanger. I know that's the reality of domestic violence and that the reality is really devastating. You really capture that well. You really caught my interest when you tslked about Troy's diagnosis. Great writing. No faults to find.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
-
Thank you, again.
Comment from Tammara
This is so hard when you have kids, that is the worse part. I had three at the time and it does make it harder to get out.
Tammara
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2011
|
This is so hard when you have kids, that is the worse part. I had three at the time and it does make it harder to get out.
Tammara
Comment Written 21-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2011
-
Thank you for the kind review.
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Tamis Renteria
Good plotting. The story continues and is still very engaging as you draw the reader in with a new problem to be resolved -- the son's ear infection and her lack of money. Also, the dialogue is very good and believable.
I would try to keep a balance between dialogue and description to keep the reader's interest. There is too much dialogue here. Maybe break it up with a paragraph of her internal thinking, or his. Maybe his sexual interest in her starts earlier and he struggles with it the entire scene, at the same time trying to keep his mind on simply helping her.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2011
 |
Good plotting. The story continues and is still very engaging as you draw the reader in with a new problem to be resolved -- the son's ear infection and her lack of money. Also, the dialogue is very good and believable.
I would try to keep a balance between dialogue and description to keep the reader's interest. There is too much dialogue here. Maybe break it up with a paragraph of her internal thinking, or his. Maybe his sexual interest in her starts earlier and he struggles with it the entire scene, at the same time trying to keep his mind on simply helping her.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2011
-
You need to be extremely careful with writing internal dialogue to remember who's POV you are in. I do use a lot of internal dialgoue. I seriously doubt a man who watched his mother be murdered by an abuser would have a problem keeping his mind off of sex with a woman he cares about who was badly abused. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
Okay, Anna's looked at the card but you still haven't said what Troy does. Bobby--what a creep!
Two things keep going through my mind. first, I read how to train your husband. Husband would never come to breakfeast when she had it ready, so it alway got cold. One day, wife fixed one breakfast and set it on the table, then yelled to her husband that it was ready. When he didn't come, she sat down and ate it. when he came to the table, he asked, "Where's my breakfast?" "I fedd it to the cat." I know tht won't work with Bobby because he's abbusive, which is a totally different situation.
The other one I like is--"If you ever lay another hand on me, you'll never sleep another night of your life." "Why's that?" "Because you won't know which night I'll kill you in your sleep."
Do you think that would work with Bobby?
Roberta
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2011
|
Okay, Anna's looked at the card but you still haven't said what Troy does. Bobby--what a creep!
Two things keep going through my mind. first, I read how to train your husband. Husband would never come to breakfeast when she had it ready, so it alway got cold. One day, wife fixed one breakfast and set it on the table, then yelled to her husband that it was ready. When he didn't come, she sat down and ate it. when he came to the table, he asked, "Where's my breakfast?" "I fedd it to the cat." I know tht won't work with Bobby because he's abbusive, which is a totally different situation.
The other one I like is--"If you ever lay another hand on me, you'll never sleep another night of your life." "Why's that?" "Because you won't know which night I'll kill you in your sleep."
Do you think that would work with Bobby?
Roberta
Comment Written 10-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2011
-
I doubt it, Bobby would just kill her then. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from writerwish
Good movement forward. Holding interest and picture becoming clearer.
I hope my comments help. I know how difficult it is to edit your own work. And the time involved.
I'm working on a book too.
Her voice became.......? then it ends?
Michael and I get to know each other...instead of Michael and I'll
last line how about... engulfed her arm as his dirty fingernail were embedded.
reply by the author on 07-May-2011
|
Good movement forward. Holding interest and picture becoming clearer.
I hope my comments help. I know how difficult it is to edit your own work. And the time involved.
I'm working on a book too.
Her voice became.......? then it ends?
Michael and I get to know each other...instead of Michael and I'll
last line how about... engulfed her arm as his dirty fingernail were embedded.
Comment Written 06-May-2011
reply by the author on 07-May-2011
-
Thank you for your eagle eye and kind review.
Comment from Writingfundimension
What a heart wrenching chapter, Barbara. Your characters are so well fleshed out from previous chapters yet you manage to breath more life into them with some well-timed information. Great writing of a great chapter. Warmest regards, Bev
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2011
|
What a heart wrenching chapter, Barbara. Your characters are so well fleshed out from previous chapters yet you manage to breath more life into them with some well-timed information. Great writing of a great chapter. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment Written 31-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2011
-
Thank you for your kind review.
-
You're welcome barbara.
Comment from SWANNY
The story is continuing nicely.
I have a few suggestions:
My insurance has a co-pay for doctor's visits," her voice trailed off. (This line doesn't indicate to me that her voice trailed off without telling me so, and I don't know if using the tagline "her voice trailed off" works really effectively like this. I'd be more inclined to leave the tagline off and do this: "My insurance has co-pay for doctor's visits...." or "My insurance has co-pay for doctor's visits." Her voice became quiet and trailed off. - or something like that).
"Anna, don't hang-up. Your baby needs a doctor. Let me help." When Troy heard silence, he asked, "Are you still there?" (POV - This part of the story is being told from Anna's point of view. Telling us 'when Troy heard silence... takes out of Anna's POV and into Troy's. It might be better to do sometlhing like this: "Anna, don't hang up (no hyphen). Your baby needs a doctor. Let me help." After a moment of silence, he asked, "Are you still there?"
"What time is Michael's appointment? (missing end quote)
Anna watched a nurse search the filled waiting room before she called, "Michael Rodgers." (Not sure I love the word 'filled' in this sentence. How about something like: There was not an empty seat to be found in the waiting room, and several mothers stood with children hanging off their hips. The nurse scanned the busy room. "Michael Rodgers," she called. - This is just a suggestion. There are many ways you could do this. I think it would be nice to have a little more description of the waiting room situation, how Anna's feeling etc. Maybe she's anxious because of the number of people there and is afraid that it's going to take a long time. Michael's in pain, getting fidgetty, etc., and her husband is going to be furious if she gets home really late, etc.)
"Let me." She waited until Troy moved before she leaned into the backseat. (Should back seat be two words? I'm not sure.)
Overall, well done. Sometimes it feels like there's a lot of dialog and could maybe use a little more action and/or description.
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2011
|
The story is continuing nicely.
I have a few suggestions:
My insurance has a co-pay for doctor's visits," her voice trailed off. (This line doesn't indicate to me that her voice trailed off without telling me so, and I don't know if using the tagline "her voice trailed off" works really effectively like this. I'd be more inclined to leave the tagline off and do this: "My insurance has co-pay for doctor's visits...." or "My insurance has co-pay for doctor's visits." Her voice became quiet and trailed off. - or something like that).
"Anna, don't hang-up. Your baby needs a doctor. Let me help." When Troy heard silence, he asked, "Are you still there?" (POV - This part of the story is being told from Anna's point of view. Telling us 'when Troy heard silence... takes out of Anna's POV and into Troy's. It might be better to do sometlhing like this: "Anna, don't hang up (no hyphen). Your baby needs a doctor. Let me help." After a moment of silence, he asked, "Are you still there?"
"What time is Michael's appointment? (missing end quote)
Anna watched a nurse search the filled waiting room before she called, "Michael Rodgers." (Not sure I love the word 'filled' in this sentence. How about something like: There was not an empty seat to be found in the waiting room, and several mothers stood with children hanging off their hips. The nurse scanned the busy room. "Michael Rodgers," she called. - This is just a suggestion. There are many ways you could do this. I think it would be nice to have a little more description of the waiting room situation, how Anna's feeling etc. Maybe she's anxious because of the number of people there and is afraid that it's going to take a long time. Michael's in pain, getting fidgetty, etc., and her husband is going to be furious if she gets home really late, etc.)
"Let me." She waited until Troy moved before she leaned into the backseat. (Should back seat be two words? I'm not sure.)
Overall, well done. Sometimes it feels like there's a lot of dialog and could maybe use a little more action and/or description.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2011
-
Thank you for your review and suggestions. I made most of the changes.
Comment from JW
This chapter makes another great addition to your story. It also has a really good hook at the end. It's a shame all abused mothers don't have access to help like this.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2011
|
This chapter makes another great addition to your story. It also has a really good hook at the end. It's a shame all abused mothers don't have access to help like this.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2011
-
Thank you very much. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from taravan
really well written. The part where Anna is in the Doctors office and avoids eye contact with the other people is right on for the persona of an abused woman. I can't wait to see what happens to Anna now that Bobby knows that she took her son to the doctor.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2011
|
really well written. The part where Anna is in the Doctors office and avoids eye contact with the other people is right on for the persona of an abused woman. I can't wait to see what happens to Anna now that Bobby knows that she took her son to the doctor.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2011
-
Thank you for your kind review.
