Free Man's Game
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "The Nominal End of Days, Part 1"A journalist pursues a story too big for him
24 total reviews
Comment from R. K. Alan
This is the first time I have come across your work. I am impressed with the sharp dialogue and crisp writing. Interesting hook at the end. The last sentence was perhaps a bit wordy and could have been more punchy perhaps. Nice write. Ray aka R. K. Alan
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2011
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This is the first time I have come across your work. I am impressed with the sharp dialogue and crisp writing. Interesting hook at the end. The last sentence was perhaps a bit wordy and could have been more punchy perhaps. Nice write. Ray aka R. K. Alan
Comment Written 31-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2011
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Thank you, Alan. I'm glad you were swept along for the ride :-). I'll take a look at that sentence - there are always improvements to be made! Cheers,
Mike
Comment from Russel Chale
Very dramatic writing, Mike. The story tends to carry the reader along in a real rush. I've noted a couple of things for you to think about.
My faithful Beetle slammed into the wall with terrible percussion.
(The final phrase is superfluous telling. Anyone can imagine the result of the smash and, anyway, you go on to "show" it quite well. Simply write:
My faithful Beetle slammed into the wall.)
You don't have any obligation to risk your life[,] and that's what you're doing, make no mistake."
(Try to avoid pairing semicolons and conjunctions.)
We can't take the big light[,] 'n' torches get in they way of shootin', so make sure you all got barrel-mounted lights.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2011
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Very dramatic writing, Mike. The story tends to carry the reader along in a real rush. I've noted a couple of things for you to think about.
My faithful Beetle slammed into the wall with terrible percussion.
(The final phrase is superfluous telling. Anyone can imagine the result of the smash and, anyway, you go on to "show" it quite well. Simply write:
My faithful Beetle slammed into the wall.)
You don't have any obligation to risk your life[,] and that's what you're doing, make no mistake."
(Try to avoid pairing semicolons and conjunctions.)
We can't take the big light[,] 'n' torches get in they way of shootin', so make sure you all got barrel-mounted lights.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2011
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Thanks, Dustin - appreciate that analytical eye. I'm glad you felt a part of proceedings :-)
Mike
Comment from wiskas677@yandex.ru
Wow! This is awesome. I honestly could find no spags, at all. The dialogue is crisp, and you have enough emotions (dare I say passion) interspersed with the violence to make your characters believable and sympathetic. I love it.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2011
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Wow! This is awesome. I honestly could find no spags, at all. The dialogue is crisp, and you have enough emotions (dare I say passion) interspersed with the violence to make your characters believable and sympathetic. I love it.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2011
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Thank you so much :-). I'm so happy you enjoyed this key part of my story. This one was very character-heavy, so I'm glad they came across so well. Thanks for the wonderful review :-)))
Mike
Comment from Scornwell
I thought this was well written and an intense read. I saw some things that gave me pause, but attributed them to British English. Your characters came across well and the dialog seemed realistic and appropriate for the characters.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2011
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I thought this was well written and an intense read. I saw some things that gave me pause, but attributed them to British English. Your characters came across well and the dialog seemed realistic and appropriate for the characters.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2011
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Thank you, Scornwell :-). Yeah, I went all-out and wrote the dialogue for this the way I (and my fellow Londoners) tend to speak. I'm so glad you enjoyed it!
Mike
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Mike, I think this a great
chapter - descriptive, full
of action and freat imagery.
As I say...description is great, particularly of Weasel's body as he slumps with blood pouring etc... BUT how would he see that from where he had landed when he jumped from the car?? Or am I missing something here??
Margaret
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2011
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Mike, I think this a great
chapter - descriptive, full
of action and freat imagery.
As I say...description is great, particularly of Weasel's body as he slumps with blood pouring etc... BUT how would he see that from where he had landed when he jumped from the car?? Or am I missing something here??
Margaret
Comment Written 30-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2011
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lol, you know Margaret, I did have trouble visualising exaclty how Nick slid into a position to see Weasel's death, but you're the first person to point it out! You, my friend, miss nothing :-). I'm so happy you enjoyed the penultimate chapter of my little novella!
Mike
Comment from bhogg
Mike - I hope you're drinking the good stuff when you write all this! I might want to know the brand. I hate it the way that Bastard checked out though. Another great romp. Regards, Bill
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2011
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Mike - I hope you're drinking the good stuff when you write all this! I might want to know the brand. I hate it the way that Bastard checked out though. Another great romp. Regards, Bill
Comment Written 30-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2011
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Cheers, Bill! I love a little anarchic nuttiness in my stories :-). I'm glad you enjoyed the ride.
Mike
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written with good form and good flow, a great job writing this story full of violence and gore, you wrote it very well and i will have to go back to read the other parts.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2011
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this is very well written with good form and good flow, a great job writing this story full of violence and gore, you wrote it very well and i will have to go back to read the other parts.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2011
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Thank you, swj :-). I love writing action sequences, so it was great to reach the appropriate point in the story.
Mike
Comment from Cletus Hardiman
This was a good piece of writing, my friend. I enjoyed reading it, and I will be back for more! Thank you for sharing it with us! Cletus Hardiman
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2011
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This was a good piece of writing, my friend. I enjoyed reading it, and I will be back for more! Thank you for sharing it with us! Cletus Hardiman
Comment Written 30-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2011
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Thanks, Cletus! I'm thrilled you enjoyed it, mate :-)
Mike
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You are welcome, Mike! Clete
Comment from The Stranger
From Turd Ice Creams To Eternity! Well I was taken along for the ride as we met an assortment of shady characters, armed with AK47'S and Walter PPK'S, an enjoyable romp, though with the inevitable loss of £the bigman" towards the finale
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2011
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From Turd Ice Creams To Eternity! Well I was taken along for the ride as we met an assortment of shady characters, armed with AK47'S and Walter PPK'S, an enjoyable romp, though with the inevitable loss of £the bigman" towards the finale
Comment Written 30-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2011
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Thanks, Stranger. I'm glad you enjoyed the read :-)
Mike
Comment from Veekz
'The shadows owned this place, and we were the intruders.'
The above line is so awesome, love it! This was certainly an exciting installment and I'm very glad the second part to it is posted as well because I don't know if I could have stood the wait with all the action going on! Am intrigued who this poor dude in the red suit they had to kill was as well, very intriguing - and odd. Lol :)
I think how you introduced this chapter was fabulous with Weasel facing his demise and Nick throwing himself out of the car before coming back to an earlier time and filling in some details that way. It makes for an attention grabber that's for sure and means that action starts right from the get go.
Only one little thing:
There was a crack like lightning cutting air and something tugged at my hair.
-possibly broken up? Took me a few reads to get what it was saying is all :) Maybe:
There was a crack, like lightning cutting (through the) air, (then) something tugged at my hair.
Just a suggestion is all and of course it doesn't take away from the story itself in anyway :) On to the final part.... I'm so excited!!
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2011
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'The shadows owned this place, and we were the intruders.'
The above line is so awesome, love it! This was certainly an exciting installment and I'm very glad the second part to it is posted as well because I don't know if I could have stood the wait with all the action going on! Am intrigued who this poor dude in the red suit they had to kill was as well, very intriguing - and odd. Lol :)
I think how you introduced this chapter was fabulous with Weasel facing his demise and Nick throwing himself out of the car before coming back to an earlier time and filling in some details that way. It makes for an attention grabber that's for sure and means that action starts right from the get go.
Only one little thing:
There was a crack like lightning cutting air and something tugged at my hair.
-possibly broken up? Took me a few reads to get what it was saying is all :) Maybe:
There was a crack, like lightning cutting (through the) air, (then) something tugged at my hair.
Just a suggestion is all and of course it doesn't take away from the story itself in anyway :) On to the final part.... I'm so excited!!
Comment Written 29-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2011
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Ah, I'm so glad you enjoyed this! I got a couple of complaints at cutting it in half (I only just posted the second bit), but I bet I'd have got a lot more complaints if I'd posted a 6,000+ word chapter!
'Intriguing - and odd'. I think that's my favourite comment in ages! lol
Thank you :-))))))
Mike
