Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Part Three of Chapter One"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
80 total reviews
Comment from Judith Ann
This story is a good one. I enjoy how your make these characters come to life. I really don't like Bobby, you did a good job portraying his character. Dialog flows nicely and it is easy to keep up with what is happening. Anxious to read more.
I will pray for you and your health issues. Let me know if there are any specifics to pray about, otherwise I know that God knows your needs. -Judy
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2011
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This story is a good one. I enjoy how your make these characters come to life. I really don't like Bobby, you did a good job portraying his character. Dialog flows nicely and it is easy to keep up with what is happening. Anxious to read more.
I will pray for you and your health issues. Let me know if there are any specifics to pray about, otherwise I know that God knows your needs. -Judy
Comment Written 22-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2011
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Thank you for the kind review and your prayers.
Comment from Thomas Raine
Domestic violence is such a warped, twisted thing - just read something prior to this on it and, like I stated there, I can't understand why a man would beat on his family - that's no man in my eyes.
Thanks for sharing this story.
- TR
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2011
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Domestic violence is such a warped, twisted thing - just read something prior to this on it and, like I stated there, I can't understand why a man would beat on his family - that's no man in my eyes.
Thanks for sharing this story.
- TR
Comment Written 22-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and insight.
Comment from WilliamDeen
Good writing. I enjoyed the read and it flowed well keeping me interested. I'm glad she decided to take her child to the doctor despite her husband's threats. Keep Writing. billy
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2011
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Good writing. I enjoyed the read and it flowed well keeping me interested. I'm glad she decided to take her child to the doctor despite her husband's threats. Keep Writing. billy
Comment Written 22-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Sarah_Goldwell
this is another good chapter, the storyline is developing well. there was just one small thing i noticed,
[He needs a doctor. When the light turned green, she turned right. ("Mommy's taking you to the doctor. I'll deal with Daddy later.")] - The bracketed part felt like an information overload and i'm wondering if it's really necessary. Instead of telling us she is taking him to the doctors, it might be better for us to work that one out for ourselves.
I liked the part where Anna cleaned up the mess from the side-walk and put it in the bin, it says a lot for her character. Some people in her situation would have left it there.
You ended on a good hook with her phoning troy.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2011
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this is another good chapter, the storyline is developing well. there was just one small thing i noticed,
[He needs a doctor. When the light turned green, she turned right. ("Mommy's taking you to the doctor. I'll deal with Daddy later.")] - The bracketed part felt like an information overload and i'm wondering if it's really necessary. Instead of telling us she is taking him to the doctors, it might be better for us to work that one out for ourselves.
I liked the part where Anna cleaned up the mess from the side-walk and put it in the bin, it says a lot for her character. Some people in her situation would have left it there.
You ended on a good hook with her phoning troy.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2011
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I will recheck that area. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from The Stranger
It really is sad that a mother has to confide in a workmate in order to obtain medical help for her son as she knows that her husband will have nothing to do with it
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2011
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It really is sad that a mother has to confide in a workmate in order to obtain medical help for her son as she knows that her husband will have nothing to do with it
Comment Written 22-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2011
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Thank you for the kind review. There are some real jerks in the world.
Comment from SWANNY
Another good chapter. You left things off on a good note, showing how desperate she is that she'd contact a near stranger for money.
A few observations/suggestions:
He watched a tall muscular man, jump from a customized pick-up and run toward her,(period rather than a comma) Troy stepped outside. "Who's this?"
Troy took a few steps closer. "That must be her husband."
(Would he really have said this out loud? Maybe internal dialogue (italics) would be better.)
You've used pickup and pick-up in the document. Be consistent.
out of the way pouch (out-of-the-way pouch - I'm not 100% sure about this, but I think so)
If she stays, her son will grow-up (grow up (no hyphen))abusing and the cycle continues (will continue).
If he hits her again, she'd better call or I'll; shit, I don't know what I'll do. (perhaps use ... instead of the semi-colon -example: or I'll ... shit I don't know what I'll do.)
and fastened her blue-eyed (comma)blonde infant
Michael's tear stained chubby cheeks (tear-stained)
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2011
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Another good chapter. You left things off on a good note, showing how desperate she is that she'd contact a near stranger for money.
A few observations/suggestions:
He watched a tall muscular man, jump from a customized pick-up and run toward her,(period rather than a comma) Troy stepped outside. "Who's this?"
Troy took a few steps closer. "That must be her husband."
(Would he really have said this out loud? Maybe internal dialogue (italics) would be better.)
You've used pickup and pick-up in the document. Be consistent.
out of the way pouch (out-of-the-way pouch - I'm not 100% sure about this, but I think so)
If she stays, her son will grow-up (grow up (no hyphen))abusing and the cycle continues (will continue).
If he hits her again, she'd better call or I'll; shit, I don't know what I'll do. (perhaps use ... instead of the semi-colon -example: or I'll ... shit I don't know what I'll do.)
and fastened her blue-eyed (comma)blonde infant
Michael's tear stained chubby cheeks (tear-stained)
Comment Written 22-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2011
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I waited until I could get on my PC to make a hard copy so I don't miss any of the corrections. Thank you.
Comment from Helen Tan
I read your notes. You're in my thoughts and prayers. The sore must be painful, do take care of yourself.
Troy took a few steps closer. "That must be her husband."
Is Troy saying this aloud? If you mean for it to be internal dialogue, put it in italic and suggest a shorter version - Must be her husband.
Anna knelt down
Consider deleting "down", implied in "knelt".
her way inside the building.
I don't know whether "into the building" might sound better - thought I would mention it anyway.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2011
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I read your notes. You're in my thoughts and prayers. The sore must be painful, do take care of yourself.
Troy took a few steps closer. "That must be her husband."
Is Troy saying this aloud? If you mean for it to be internal dialogue, put it in italic and suggest a shorter version - Must be her husband.
Anna knelt down
Consider deleting "down", implied in "knelt".
her way inside the building.
I don't know whether "into the building" might sound better - thought I would mention it anyway.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and continued support.
Comment from rawahymis
Emotional story which analyzes a true to life situation true in most parts of the world.
Anna meets an angel of hope who she may not have given second thought to had she not been in deep misery, which we get a glimpse of in the brief encounter with her husband.
Hope is established when Troy offers to help, having sized up her miserable situation.
Reality settles in when Anna picks up her sick child. Fear overwhelms reason and she heads for home, but the sick child prompts her to think the unthinkable: she decides to brush her fears aside and do the right thing for the child, hoping the angel of hope will help her bear the consequences.
Sensitive and emotional ending: what price may she have to pay?
Some suggestions:
The introduction of Troy and the relationship is rather abrupt.
'...removed another card..' suggests a prior card?
'...get her trust to me?' ..to trust me? Perhaps?
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2011
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Emotional story which analyzes a true to life situation true in most parts of the world.
Anna meets an angel of hope who she may not have given second thought to had she not been in deep misery, which we get a glimpse of in the brief encounter with her husband.
Hope is established when Troy offers to help, having sized up her miserable situation.
Reality settles in when Anna picks up her sick child. Fear overwhelms reason and she heads for home, but the sick child prompts her to think the unthinkable: she decides to brush her fears aside and do the right thing for the child, hoping the angel of hope will help her bear the consequences.
Sensitive and emotional ending: what price may she have to pay?
Some suggestions:
The introduction of Troy and the relationship is rather abrupt.
'...removed another card..' suggests a prior card?
'...get her trust to me?' ..to trust me? Perhaps?
Comment Written 22-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2011
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Troy had already given her a card in the bookstore, so I am not sure prior card will work here. I will recheck the other area. Thank you for your kind review.
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You're welcome B. Please keep up the good work, for the more we expose our social problems, we increase awareness.
Comment from fionageorge
I hope that writing this story helps keep your mind of your health problems. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Good chapter, and a nice way to make Anna need contact Troy - but no doubt, this will cause further problems down the track. I enjoyed the read. Good narrative and good use of dialogue. I have made a few observations for your consideration:
He watched a tall muscular man,[remove comma, it breaks the sentence] jump from a
He watched ['saw' instead of 'watched' - more active)the dark haired man grab her arm and heard him yell
"That must be her husband." (Should this line be in italics instead of inverted commas? It seems to be a thought rather than dialogue.)
I look forward to your next instalment.
Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2011
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I hope that writing this story helps keep your mind of your health problems. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Good chapter, and a nice way to make Anna need contact Troy - but no doubt, this will cause further problems down the track. I enjoyed the read. Good narrative and good use of dialogue. I have made a few observations for your consideration:
He watched a tall muscular man,[remove comma, it breaks the sentence] jump from a
He watched ['saw' instead of 'watched' - more active)the dark haired man grab her arm and heard him yell
"That must be her husband." (Should this line be in italics instead of inverted commas? It seems to be a thought rather than dialogue.)
I look forward to your next instalment.
Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment Written 22-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and suggestions. I will make the changes.
Comment from Readywriter52
The story portrays Bobby as being a cruel uncaring man. He begrudges his wife food. He doesn't want to pick up his son or allow him to see a doctor. Anna would be better off without him. She is desperate enough to ask Troy for help.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2011
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The story portrays Bobby as being a cruel uncaring man. He begrudges his wife food. He doesn't want to pick up his son or allow him to see a doctor. Anna would be better off without him. She is desperate enough to ask Troy for help.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2011
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I hope Anna can get away from him. That would be best for everybody. Thank you for your kind review.
