Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Part Three of Chapter One"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
80 total reviews
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Barbara,
This lady certainly needs someone to deal with her abusive husband. I sometimes wonder what makes men like this tick - but then I don't think any of the psychologists do either.
Sorry to read that you are having a rough time, the sore doesn't sound good and the chemo is probably not helping it heal.
Patrick
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2011
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Hi Barbara,
This lady certainly needs someone to deal with her abusive husband. I sometimes wonder what makes men like this tick - but then I don't think any of the psychologists do either.
Sorry to read that you are having a rough time, the sore doesn't sound good and the chemo is probably not helping it heal.
Patrick
Comment Written 24-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2011
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I appreciate your kind review and support.
Comment from Deejharrington
Blessing and my thoughts are with you as you wage your own battle. I have missed a few chapters, but I picked the story up right away, you are such a skilled writer. You have captured the perils of an abusive relationship. Excellent!
dj
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2011
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Blessing and my thoughts are with you as you wage your own battle. I have missed a few chapters, but I picked the story up right away, you are such a skilled writer. You have captured the perils of an abusive relationship. Excellent!
dj
Comment Written 23-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2011
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Dj, I am not sure why I received a four. Would you please explain? Thank you for your kind reveiw and continued support.
Comment from Realist101
HI Barbara! I hope all goes well tomorrow! I am starting my series of appointments...first the knee. So I can walk? Other stuff next. My husband keeps working overtime, so I can't leave here like planned. But I will go! I will...
Now this chapter is excellent too Barb. I like how your characters are developed...this is a hard task, and why I don't start my book yet. It's very daunting. And you seem to really have a handle on this. Hope this lady makes it...") Good work, as always Barb!! HUGS and best wishes! Love, susan
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2011
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HI Barbara! I hope all goes well tomorrow! I am starting my series of appointments...first the knee. So I can walk? Other stuff next. My husband keeps working overtime, so I can't leave here like planned. But I will go! I will...
Now this chapter is excellent too Barb. I like how your characters are developed...this is a hard task, and why I don't start my book yet. It's very daunting. And you seem to really have a handle on this. Hope this lady makes it...") Good work, as always Barb!! HUGS and best wishes! Love, susan
Comment Written 23-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2011
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You HAD better get to the dr. I swear, I may have to come and take you myself. Thank you for the kind review.
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") I wish you could Barb! What fun. I would love having you there. I just hate going. But you take care of you! I promise to let you know what I get into! Boy, I can barely walk with my knee like it is...the xrays show the bones are good, it's the ligiments. So, an mri, next week. Thank you for spurring me on Barb...xoxo, susan
Comment from write hand blue
An all to common tale I suspect, written
in an authentic manner with good
image and flow. And left
wondering what will
happen next...
Mel.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2011
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An all to common tale I suspect, written
in an authentic manner with good
image and flow. And left
wondering what will
happen next...
Mel.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Fireshadow
Barbara, great narrative. I could feel the bile rise up my throat when I read Bobby's treatment of Anna. You're developing this storyline right on the money. Excellent dialogue and characterization. Look forward to reading future installments. Only a couple of suggestions :
she'd better call or I'll [...] (delete semicolon) [S]hit, I don't know what I'll do
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I hope your chemo treatment can be continued as planned, and that your overall health keeps improving, my friend. Many blessings.
Ama
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2011
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Barbara, great narrative. I could feel the bile rise up my throat when I read Bobby's treatment of Anna. You're developing this storyline right on the money. Excellent dialogue and characterization. Look forward to reading future installments. Only a couple of suggestions :
she'd better call or I'll [...] (delete semicolon) [S]hit, I don't know what I'll do
====
I hope your chemo treatment can be continued as planned, and that your overall health keeps improving, my friend. Many blessings.
Ama
Comment Written 23-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review. I will work on that area.
Comment from mumsyone
The "dialogue" in the first couple of paragraphs is a little confusing; maybe it should be italicized, without quotes, to show that Troy is thinking rather than speaking. Also, where Anna puts Troy's card in her briefcase, it appears that she said 'Thank you' and then Troy went on to speak. If that's the case, the dialogue between the two of them should be separated by a new paragraph.
I read your author notes. Waiting is sometimes the worst part. I pray that your treatments go well.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2011
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The "dialogue" in the first couple of paragraphs is a little confusing; maybe it should be italicized, without quotes, to show that Troy is thinking rather than speaking. Also, where Anna puts Troy's card in her briefcase, it appears that she said 'Thank you' and then Troy went on to speak. If that's the case, the dialogue between the two of them should be separated by a new paragraph.
I read your author notes. Waiting is sometimes the worst part. I pray that your treatments go well.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2011
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I WILL check those areas. With all my reviews you are the only one that struggles with the dialogue. It's usually my strong point. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Scribbles73
I was most saddened to hear of the health issues you wrote about in your Author Notes. Please know that I will hold you in my prayers.
Your story is an interesting one, I've only read this particular part of what you've written, but I do intend to go back and get myself up to speed so I can continue on with what develops.
It was an 'easy read' although I did find myself a little confused when the husband turned up, it seemed to lack flow in this area. I'm not a grammar whiz, so unfortunately I'm unable to assist on this in more detail.
Keep up the good work, good luck with your personal situation.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2011
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I was most saddened to hear of the health issues you wrote about in your Author Notes. Please know that I will hold you in my prayers.
Your story is an interesting one, I've only read this particular part of what you've written, but I do intend to go back and get myself up to speed so I can continue on with what develops.
It was an 'easy read' although I did find myself a little confused when the husband turned up, it seemed to lack flow in this area. I'm not a grammar whiz, so unfortunately I'm unable to assist on this in more detail.
Keep up the good work, good luck with your personal situation.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Tellis
Another great chapter and I enjoyed reading it very much. I hope she can get away from that creep in time. Good work.
Tellis
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2011
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Another great chapter and I enjoyed reading it very much. I hope she can get away from that creep in time. Good work.
Tellis
Comment Written 23-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and continued support.
Comment from Russel Chale
I'm sorry to read about your illness in the Author Notes. I hope all goes well with your future treatment. However, perhaps your pain is making it difficult for you to concentrate on the story, because I found this chapter troublesome. I trust my comments below assist you.
He watched a tall muscular man, jump from a customized pick-up and run toward her, Troy stepped outside. "Who's this?"
(Poor flow of narration and somewhat confusing. I suggest:
He watched a tall muscular man, jump from a customized pick-up and run toward her. Troy stepped outside the store and muttered to himself, "Who's this?")
Troy took a few steps closer. "That must be her husband."
(Again you've written words that may be vocalized dialog or thought. It is unclear, except that the assumption is he's continuing to mutter to himself. In my opinion, it may be better to present this a internal thought and use italics.)
Bobby yanked the sack from Anna's hand, opened it, looked inside, and threw the contents on the sidewalk.
(Assuming that Troy is not close enough to see and hear everything you seem to have jumped POV.)
Troy watched her shove the card inside an [out-of-the-way] pouch.
Anna carried Michael to the car and fastened her blue-eyed [blond] infant in the car seat.
(The spelling "blonde" refers to a female.)
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2011
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I'm sorry to read about your illness in the Author Notes. I hope all goes well with your future treatment. However, perhaps your pain is making it difficult for you to concentrate on the story, because I found this chapter troublesome. I trust my comments below assist you.
He watched a tall muscular man, jump from a customized pick-up and run toward her, Troy stepped outside. "Who's this?"
(Poor flow of narration and somewhat confusing. I suggest:
He watched a tall muscular man, jump from a customized pick-up and run toward her. Troy stepped outside the store and muttered to himself, "Who's this?")
Troy took a few steps closer. "That must be her husband."
(Again you've written words that may be vocalized dialog or thought. It is unclear, except that the assumption is he's continuing to mutter to himself. In my opinion, it may be better to present this a internal thought and use italics.)
Bobby yanked the sack from Anna's hand, opened it, looked inside, and threw the contents on the sidewalk.
(Assuming that Troy is not close enough to see and hear everything you seem to have jumped POV.)
Troy watched her shove the card inside an [out-of-the-way] pouch.
Anna carried Michael to the car and fastened her blue-eyed [blond] infant in the car seat.
(The spelling "blonde" refers to a female.)
Comment Written 22-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2011
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Bobby yanked the sack from Anna's hand, opened it, looked inside, and threw the contents on the sidewalk.
(Assuming that Troy is not close enough to see and hear everything you seem to have jumped POV.)
(Troy is within yards of this situation and can see everything. The bookstore is next door to where Anna works. This was made clear in an earlier post. There is no POV switch.)
I have lived almost 58 years and never knew there was a difference between blonde and blond. I have spelled it blonde my whole life and have never been corrected. Thank you for your eagle eye.
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Thank you for clarifying the locale. :)
Comment from pickthorn
Spousal abuse in any form creates an unhealthy marriage and it happens far too often in this country. I'm glad Anna did the right thing and took her son to the doctor. This is a very interesting story you are working on. Good work.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2011
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Spousal abuse in any form creates an unhealthy marriage and it happens far too often in this country. I'm glad Anna did the right thing and took her son to the doctor. This is a very interesting story you are working on. Good work.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
