Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Part Two Chapter One"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
89 total reviews
Comment from mumsyone
Great chapter! You keep the story moving along nicely without "listing" unnecessary details in the characters' actions.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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Great chapter! You keep the story moving along nicely without "listing" unnecessary details in the characters' actions.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Nanette Mary
Hullo Barbara ...
This is an interesting chapter in your book and you have handled very well, Anna's hesitancy in her conversation with Troy and his insistence that she should confide in him.
I have given you 5 stars, knowing that you will consider the few changes recommended ...
* You have - After he sat he set her coffee cup down.
I suggest - After he sat down, he placed her coffee cup in front of her.
* You have - Now, tell about the bruises. I suggest -
Now, tell me about the bruises.
* You have - The Sorenson's reared me. This should be -
The Sorensons reared me.
* You have - Maybe if somebody would've offered to help, my mom would be alive today. I suggest - Maybe if somebody had offered to help, my Mom would be alive today.
* You have - Troy set the sack on the table. A sack is usually a big back to carry grain or coal. I suggest -
Troy set the bag on the table. (OR .. the paper bag ...)
* You have - After scooting the chair under the table ...
I suggest - After moving the chair back under the table ...
Now, I look forward to the next chapter.
Love from ..... Nanette Mary.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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Hullo Barbara ...
This is an interesting chapter in your book and you have handled very well, Anna's hesitancy in her conversation with Troy and his insistence that she should confide in him.
I have given you 5 stars, knowing that you will consider the few changes recommended ...
* You have - After he sat he set her coffee cup down.
I suggest - After he sat down, he placed her coffee cup in front of her.
* You have - Now, tell about the bruises. I suggest -
Now, tell me about the bruises.
* You have - The Sorenson's reared me. This should be -
The Sorensons reared me.
* You have - Maybe if somebody would've offered to help, my mom would be alive today. I suggest - Maybe if somebody had offered to help, my Mom would be alive today.
* You have - Troy set the sack on the table. A sack is usually a big back to carry grain or coal. I suggest -
Troy set the bag on the table. (OR .. the paper bag ...)
* You have - After scooting the chair under the table ...
I suggest - After moving the chair back under the table ...
Now, I look forward to the next chapter.
Love from ..... Nanette Mary.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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I will recheck those areas. I made a hard copy so I didn't forget any thing. Thank you.
Comment from Perp Ihebom
I really enjoyed this work, my friend. Marriage has put myriads of women into this kind of position all over the world. Very well done
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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I really enjoyed this work, my friend. Marriage has put myriads of women into this kind of position all over the world. Very well done
Comment Written 14-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Shirley B
Your story has my full attention, just knowing that there are thousands of women going through this everyday. i really hope he is a knight in a shining armor. I believe in them. Great chapter, Shirley
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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Your story has my full attention, just knowing that there are thousands of women going through this everyday. i really hope he is a knight in a shining armor. I believe in them. Great chapter, Shirley
Comment Written 14-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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I hope he's a knight myself. I appreciate your kind review and support.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hi Barb,
I wish I could give you a 6 rating
But for some reason FS won't let me
Your story is so well written and filled with so much drama
I like it very much.
Don't be too long posting your next chapter
Gert
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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Hi Barb,
I wish I could give you a 6 rating
But for some reason FS won't let me
Your story is so well written and filled with so much drama
I like it very much.
Don't be too long posting your next chapter
Gert
Comment Written 14-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and encouraging words.
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You are welcome
Gert
Comment from Rose Hearth
I really enjoy the story, even if it is a bit overly romantic for my taste... I don't think anyone would pry that deeply at the first sign of a bruise on a virtual stranger, no matter the history. But he's your white knight and bless his romantic heart! However, I still find some of your dialogue to be a little 'formal':
When was the last time you came home from the store and said, " I purchased a loaf of bread"? I think the simple 'bought' suffices.
He 'struck' her.. is a little iffy for me, kind of tame. How about hit? pummeled? plowed? beat?...
Lastly, "...hit him 'several times' until..." several times is not necessary, for emphasis you could use 'over and over' or 'again and again'
When writing dialogue, do you say it out loud? If you don't, give it a try...
Looking forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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I really enjoy the story, even if it is a bit overly romantic for my taste... I don't think anyone would pry that deeply at the first sign of a bruise on a virtual stranger, no matter the history. But he's your white knight and bless his romantic heart! However, I still find some of your dialogue to be a little 'formal':
When was the last time you came home from the store and said, " I purchased a loaf of bread"? I think the simple 'bought' suffices.
He 'struck' her.. is a little iffy for me, kind of tame. How about hit? pummeled? plowed? beat?...
Lastly, "...hit him 'several times' until..." several times is not necessary, for emphasis you could use 'over and over' or 'again and again'
When writing dialogue, do you say it out loud? If you don't, give it a try...
Looking forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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WOW, usually my dialogue gets great reviews. I will have a look at it. Thank you for your review.
Comment from dmjones
Hi Barbara, this is an excellent addition. I think Troy must be involved with battered women somehow because of his mother. Both Troy and Anna are good characters. I think this will be an excellent book.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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Hi Barbara, this is an excellent addition. I think Troy must be involved with battered women somehow because of his mother. Both Troy and Anna are good characters. I think this will be an excellent book.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and encouraging words.
Comment from amada
It seems as if Troy has a good heart after all, but anyway, when a man likes a woman...a lion can become the face of a lamb. Interesting story, great to follow.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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It seems as if Troy has a good heart after all, but anyway, when a man likes a woman...a lion can become the face of a lamb. Interesting story, great to follow.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Carolyn Hilliard
Hi. Very clear and precise. For me, it also engendered the feeling of danger. I suspect Bobby will find out they have talked somewhere along the line. No SNAGS to report,either.
Happy Writing - Fiesty.
P.S. Do you balloon your books or use the $9.95 per chapter?
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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Hi. Very clear and precise. For me, it also engendered the feeling of danger. I suspect Bobby will find out they have talked somewhere along the line. No SNAGS to report,either.
Happy Writing - Fiesty.
P.S. Do you balloon your books or use the $9.95 per chapter?
Comment Written 14-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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I use the $9.95 per chapter. I struggle each week to get enough to post. Actually since I've been sick many kind hearted FS friends have helped me post.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
I've had funny things happen also.. must
be site problems..
This chapter flows well, Barbara..
the conversation between the two so natural...
If Bobby finds out we're having this conversation - I think this needs to be..
If Bobby finds out we had this conversation...
Margaret
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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I've had funny things happen also.. must
be site problems..
This chapter flows well, Barbara..
the conversation between the two so natural...
If Bobby finds out we're having this conversation - I think this needs to be..
If Bobby finds out we had this conversation...
Margaret
Comment Written 14-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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I think your are correct. I will make that change. Thank you.
