The Long Way Home
Where the hills really do have eyes33 total reviews
Comment from moyramouse
You really created an atmosphere of menace with 'the sinewy arms with claws reaching out' as you drove along the tree lined road. Imagination can play tricks at night when we are driving in the dark on our own. You were spot on when you said 'the radio is dubious company'. How glad we were you arrived home safely to be greeted by your dog. xmouse
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2011
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You really created an atmosphere of menace with 'the sinewy arms with claws reaching out' as you drove along the tree lined road. Imagination can play tricks at night when we are driving in the dark on our own. You were spot on when you said 'the radio is dubious company'. How glad we were you arrived home safely to be greeted by your dog. xmouse
Comment Written 16-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2011
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HI Mousey! Thank you so much!! ") ") I have had the creeps a lot lately...sort of odd. I am so happy you got a kick out of this! Thanks again! HUG! Susan
Comment from Krugerrand
I've had this drive many times before. The imagination can be a dangerous thing when it gets a running start and leaps off a cliff. LOL!
When dealing with 'dream or dream quality' sequences, you can just state things as fact rather than using passive structure. The reader doesn't know that as the seer you aren't sure what you're seeing, so it's okay to bend the truth and just say it how you want it to be. It brings the sequence more alive.
Reserve using the passive for dialogue or building character and such. Example below:
...the shadows seem to come to life as the headlights of my car cast around for purchase in the midnight hour. (Take out 'seem to' - will make it a stronger visual)
...the limbs resemble sinewy arms with claws reaching out as I pass by. (Change resemble to are - will make it a stronger visual. Change with to their - their claws reaching out as I pass by. Scratching. ...blah, blah, blah.)
I wonder, as I drive, what would happen all these miles from home, if this auto that I probably shouldn't trust, would quit on me here, out in the middle of no-where. I shudder and shake the thought. "Surely that won't happen," I say aloud to no one in particular as my guts roil and churn.
This paragraph written this way is a bit cliche and redundant. How about something like this just to sharpen a bit:
What would happen, I wonder as a I drive through Nowhere, if this untrustworthy car were to give up the ghost? (Here I capitalized 'Nowhere' to give it a proper name...as if it truly existed.)
I shudder and shake (at) the thought. Aloud I try and reassure myself, "Surely that won't happen?" I am unconvinced. My gut roils and churns, threatening to spew back my dinner. (Okay, lol, that last about spewing dinner is so 'me'. Perhaps not what you want to add here.)
I thought this was a good portrait of how you can spook yourself in this type of environment. I know I've done it many times and your write here brought me back many memories.
Very creative idea, Sue!
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2011
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I've had this drive many times before. The imagination can be a dangerous thing when it gets a running start and leaps off a cliff. LOL!
When dealing with 'dream or dream quality' sequences, you can just state things as fact rather than using passive structure. The reader doesn't know that as the seer you aren't sure what you're seeing, so it's okay to bend the truth and just say it how you want it to be. It brings the sequence more alive.
Reserve using the passive for dialogue or building character and such. Example below:
...the shadows seem to come to life as the headlights of my car cast around for purchase in the midnight hour. (Take out 'seem to' - will make it a stronger visual)
...the limbs resemble sinewy arms with claws reaching out as I pass by. (Change resemble to are - will make it a stronger visual. Change with to their - their claws reaching out as I pass by. Scratching. ...blah, blah, blah.)
I wonder, as I drive, what would happen all these miles from home, if this auto that I probably shouldn't trust, would quit on me here, out in the middle of no-where. I shudder and shake the thought. "Surely that won't happen," I say aloud to no one in particular as my guts roil and churn.
This paragraph written this way is a bit cliche and redundant. How about something like this just to sharpen a bit:
What would happen, I wonder as a I drive through Nowhere, if this untrustworthy car were to give up the ghost? (Here I capitalized 'Nowhere' to give it a proper name...as if it truly existed.)
I shudder and shake (at) the thought. Aloud I try and reassure myself, "Surely that won't happen?" I am unconvinced. My gut roils and churns, threatening to spew back my dinner. (Okay, lol, that last about spewing dinner is so 'me'. Perhaps not what you want to add here.)
I thought this was a good portrait of how you can spook yourself in this type of environment. I know I've done it many times and your write here brought me back many memories.
Very creative idea, Sue!
Comment Written 16-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2011
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Hi There! I jotted these down and will work on this now! Thank you my friend, I really appreciate your time and help! I think you are right on all points! ") May your grass get green and the days be carefree Kruger! LOVE! Susan
Comment from Larrypic11
Well it was fun on this end too, and pretty heart pounding. You descriptions are vivid and pure. The artwork couldn't be a better compliment to the work. Thank you. Larry
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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Well it was fun on this end too, and pretty heart pounding. You descriptions are vivid and pure. The artwork couldn't be a better compliment to the work. Thank you. Larry
Comment Written 15-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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Hi Larry! Why, a special thank YOU! I am very grateful for your encouraging review and time for me too! Enthusiasm like this makes it so worthwhile!! ") Susan
Comment from Fireshadow
Susan another great work and storyline with excellent imagery to pull in the reader. A few suggestions :
the short cut home[.] [N]ow I am forced
bottomless pits, [tree]limbs resemble sinewy arms
spring is here and[,] as I pull slowly into the garage, my good dog appears,
Otherwise, excellent fiction work, my friend. Thanks for sharing it.
Ama
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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Susan another great work and storyline with excellent imagery to pull in the reader. A few suggestions :
the short cut home[.] [N]ow I am forced
bottomless pits, [tree]limbs resemble sinewy arms
spring is here and[,] as I pull slowly into the garage, my good dog appears,
Otherwise, excellent fiction work, my friend. Thanks for sharing it.
Ama
Comment Written 15-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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Hi Ama! I jotted these down and will make the corrections now! Thank you so much! I'm so glad you enjoyed! I really did have the creeps that night coming 'home'...boy, it was good to see the pooch! ") Thank you again dear friend!! HUG! Susan
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
This sis a great story!!! When I was little, we had a tree outside our frosted glass window that looked like a witch. It gave me terrible nightmares. Take care. Love you, Debbie
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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This sis a great story!!! When I was little, we had a tree outside our frosted glass window that looked like a witch. It gave me terrible nightmares. Take care. Love you, Debbie
Comment Written 15-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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Hi Deb! Thank you very much! I am so grateful for your time for me! I can just see your window too. I remember that sort of thing! I hope you are doing good today! HUG! Susan
Comment from Angelite
Very good, nicely written. Not so much supernatural as horror i'm thinking lol.
Great descriptions sets the scene to perfection.
Second to last paragraph had me wondering tho, when she sees the lights of home and the ground shaking behind her,,(thunder) but i read it more as one of the trees was shaken free and was falling toward and reaching for her car.
Enjoyable spine-chilling read, as it is so true to the way one feels alone in the dark and away from safety.
Angel
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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Very good, nicely written. Not so much supernatural as horror i'm thinking lol.
Great descriptions sets the scene to perfection.
Second to last paragraph had me wondering tho, when she sees the lights of home and the ground shaking behind her,,(thunder) but i read it more as one of the trees was shaken free and was falling toward and reaching for her car.
Enjoyable spine-chilling read, as it is so true to the way one feels alone in the dark and away from safety.
Angel
Comment Written 15-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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HI Angel! Thank you!! HUGS for this kind and so encouraging review. That scene you mention, is just the imagination at work? Thinking a "dinosaur" is gainging on her? should I make it clearer? I will if you think so! I appreciate your time! HUG! Susan
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No, wouldn't change it, Susan, if you see it as a dinosaur, and i see it as a tree reaching out to grab her, i'm sure someone else will use their imagination to make their own scary conclusions. Take care. Angel
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
A great piece, Susan,
your words setting the
scene and creating the
atmosphere of the night
amongst the hills.
Good to be back home.
MArgaret
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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A great piece, Susan,
your words setting the
scene and creating the
atmosphere of the night
amongst the hills.
Good to be back home.
MArgaret
Comment Written 15-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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Hi Margaret!! How are you!? I sure am glad to hear from you! I really did get the creeps that night...tho, I am sure there were no dinosaurs! ") Thank you for everything my friend! HUG! Susan
Comment from miles123
I really enjoyed reading it,the way u describe is amazing that a reader could just imagine being home again,well versed.
well done,keep it up!!!!!
miles
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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I really enjoyed reading it,the way u describe is amazing that a reader could just imagine being home again,well versed.
well done,keep it up!!!!!
miles
Comment Written 15-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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Hi Miles! Thank you!! I am real glad you liked this! I really did have the creeps that night! Sometimes, imagination can get carried away! ") Thanks again~ Susan
Comment from Carrie Smith
Great, Suse. I was glued here reading. Had a dreadful feeling something was going to happen - the imagery so perfect and as the story went along you created more and more tension. I really thought by the end someone was going to get you, but then there was your dog and his bushy tail. I can see you hightailing it into the house - I would have done so at a dead run! Our imagination can brew up scary for sure! Love "when the moon is on vacation" and "pothole claiming another mile". Super write coming from your very imaginative mind...xoxoSusan
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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Great, Suse. I was glued here reading. Had a dreadful feeling something was going to happen - the imagery so perfect and as the story went along you created more and more tension. I really thought by the end someone was going to get you, but then there was your dog and his bushy tail. I can see you hightailing it into the house - I would have done so at a dead run! Our imagination can brew up scary for sure! Love "when the moon is on vacation" and "pothole claiming another mile". Super write coming from your very imaginative mind...xoxoSusan
Comment Written 15-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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HI Susan! Thanks! It's real nice to have a reveiw from you! SO glad you liked this one! I really was creeped out that night...you know why! ") Thank you again Susan! Luv you! Susan
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Hey there! Yeah, I can know why you were creeped out,lol. xoxoSusan
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Hi Susan! Please tell me the truth about my crow story! Read the reviews and then let me know! I will disable it if it's all wrong!? Thanks! Susan
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Okay! Check out my old age story and let me know what you really thinklol S.
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Will do! Is it in a contest too? I will go see...s.
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No, you know me and contests! I PMed you back - please don't take offense and I could be all wrong! I was kinda going on the fact that Nor said that ; should be used to join to SHORT independant clauses. closely. Both should have complete idea as in subject and verb. xxx
Comment from sugardog
You really have an imagination, my friend!! But I think we all do when we are driving a spooky, lonely road at night. I know I do!! We have plenty of them out here. I love the way you lead us on this scary drive with you and we can visualize all the creepiness along with you. I liked the personification of nature throughout-what fun!! I am so happy this one ended good, especially since it was involving you! Nice work and so fun. Dana
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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You really have an imagination, my friend!! But I think we all do when we are driving a spooky, lonely road at night. I know I do!! We have plenty of them out here. I love the way you lead us on this scary drive with you and we can visualize all the creepiness along with you. I liked the personification of nature throughout-what fun!! I am so happy this one ended good, especially since it was involving you! Nice work and so fun. Dana
Comment Written 14-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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Hi Dana! I really do imagine the silliest things sometimes...I drove home late from visiting my brother the other night and had the heebie jeebies! I am more afraid of bad people tho, than I would be a dinosaur! I think! ") Thank you so much Dana, your fun review is better than my story! ") HUG! Susan
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I am with you there...I am more afraid of bad ppl too!! And you're welcome, always a pleasure! Hugs, Dana
