Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Part One of Chapter 1"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
117 total reviews
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is a great first chapter, barbara, it sets up the story very well, with your writing skill you don't need to worry about posting anything, you are among friends here on the website.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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this is a great first chapter, barbara, it sets up the story very well, with your writing skill you don't need to worry about posting anything, you are among friends here on the website.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and encouraging thoughts.
Comment from dmjones
Hi Barbara, This sounds like a good one and an interesting subject you're bringing up. You shouldn't be nervous about posting it.
Bobby is on the nicer side of abusers. Drunk and angry some wouldn't care if the kid was crying. Their needs come first and the baby can wait. I didn't see any spag.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Hi Barbara, This sounds like a good one and an interesting subject you're bringing up. You shouldn't be nervous about posting it.
Bobby is on the nicer side of abusers. Drunk and angry some wouldn't care if the kid was crying. Their needs come first and the baby can wait. I didn't see any spag.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Herb
A good start. I do think that it could be re-written alot more smothley. However this is easy to follow the way it is, just a little stuttered.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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A good start. I do think that it could be re-written alot more smothley. However this is easy to follow the way it is, just a little stuttered.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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I will recheck it. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Well, there's no need
to feel nervouse, Barbara,
for this is a good introduction
to the story and a most
enjoyable read.
Looking forward to the whole..
Margaret
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Well, there's no need
to feel nervouse, Barbara,
for this is a good introduction
to the story and a most
enjoyable read.
Looking forward to the whole..
Margaret
Comment Written 07-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from N.K. Wagner
This is a great beginning, Barbara. You've clearly defined the characters and the problem. The first problem, anyway. A humorous meeting of allies. Pure embarrassment. I look forward to more. :) Nancy
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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This is a great beginning, Barbara. You've clearly defined the characters and the problem. The first problem, anyway. A humorous meeting of allies. Pure embarrassment. I look forward to more. :) Nancy
Comment Written 07-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Perp Ihebom
This is so very nice , my friend. It is the stuff that first chapters are made of. It draws the reader in at first glance and keeps the interest awake. God will help you to keep posting more chapters.kudos
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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This is so very nice , my friend. It is the stuff that first chapters are made of. It draws the reader in at first glance and keeps the interest awake. God will help you to keep posting more chapters.kudos
Comment Written 07-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and encouraging words.
Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran
A good write with imagery I have read and enjoyed your story. It has a good storyline which captivated my interest and held it. Thanks for sharing with me. Mary.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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A good write with imagery I have read and enjoyed your story. It has a good storyline which captivated my interest and held it. Thanks for sharing with me. Mary.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Rose Hearth
I agree with Ted T on most points. However, there are two that I disagree with him on-
1.) I live in a small town where it is customary to give your last name when you meet somebody. It establishes who 'your people' are, and gives a sense of familiarity. The habit carried over, even during the many years I spent in Fort Lauderdale, a big city. People generally responded with their last names, as well.
2.) Telling the victim to fix dinner and then leaving, only to return hours later, demanding that very dinner, is a CLASSIC power and control maneuver of abusive men. I think it's in their handbook.
As for the bedroom scene? Well, more often than not, the abuser will NOT let the victim go to her child. The abuser feels that his needs come before anyone else's, even his own child.
Even though we haven't really gotten to know Bobby, yet I don't think that the character being developed would say, "...repairing cars." I thing he would say 'fixing' them.
I'm looking forward to future chapters when I have the time.
Rose
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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I agree with Ted T on most points. However, there are two that I disagree with him on-
1.) I live in a small town where it is customary to give your last name when you meet somebody. It establishes who 'your people' are, and gives a sense of familiarity. The habit carried over, even during the many years I spent in Fort Lauderdale, a big city. People generally responded with their last names, as well.
2.) Telling the victim to fix dinner and then leaving, only to return hours later, demanding that very dinner, is a CLASSIC power and control maneuver of abusive men. I think it's in their handbook.
As for the bedroom scene? Well, more often than not, the abuser will NOT let the victim go to her child. The abuser feels that his needs come before anyone else's, even his own child.
Even though we haven't really gotten to know Bobby, yet I don't think that the character being developed would say, "...repairing cars." I thing he would say 'fixing' them.
I'm looking forward to future chapters when I have the time.
Rose
Comment Written 07-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Whre I come from people give their first name and last name. I did twenty-three years in the military and moved to many states aroung the couttry. I never met anybody who only gave their last name. I will fix the repairing cars. Thank you for your review. Some abusers can't stand hearing a child cry, for reasons due to their childhood. Bobby will be developed as the first chapter goes beyond five pages.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
I found the story interesting right from the beginning. A generous amount of dialogue keeps it flowing quite quickly. You have described the characters well.
Giddy
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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I found the story interesting right from the beginning. A generous amount of dialogue keeps it flowing quite quickly. You have described the characters well.
Giddy
Comment Written 07-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Ted T
Hi Barbara :)
Once again you have all the elements of a good story, but you should consider rewriting the entire chapter.
You're repeating words and phrases too close together again. "feet touched the floor" jumps right out at the reader. Passive "as" and "ING" words are in there.
I agree with Laurie, Helen Tan, Pearl Edwards, Bookishfabler. Brooke is wrong about the comma before Michael, it's not a direct address. No need going over everything they pointed out. You've corrected most of them anyway. I disagree with all the others I've read, but I haven't seen them all.
The way Anna meets Troy is too over the top. Scenes like that are for romantic comedies. I don't think two perfect strangers would exchange last names so easily.
Bobby tells Anna to get dinner fixed soon, then goes out? It doesn't fly.
He comes back drunk at 2:30 AM and demands his dinner? That doesn't fly either. This is where I agree with Laurie on the bedroom sequence.
If you subscribe to "Writer's Digest" (online) and get the newsletter, you should read Elizabeth Sim's piece on eight rules to a great first chapter, they're quite helpful.
I'll try to stay with you on this book, but I'm hip-deep in my own work.
Ted
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Hi Barbara :)
Once again you have all the elements of a good story, but you should consider rewriting the entire chapter.
You're repeating words and phrases too close together again. "feet touched the floor" jumps right out at the reader. Passive "as" and "ING" words are in there.
I agree with Laurie, Helen Tan, Pearl Edwards, Bookishfabler. Brooke is wrong about the comma before Michael, it's not a direct address. No need going over everything they pointed out. You've corrected most of them anyway. I disagree with all the others I've read, but I haven't seen them all.
The way Anna meets Troy is too over the top. Scenes like that are for romantic comedies. I don't think two perfect strangers would exchange last names so easily.
Bobby tells Anna to get dinner fixed soon, then goes out? It doesn't fly.
He comes back drunk at 2:30 AM and demands his dinner? That doesn't fly either. This is where I agree with Laurie on the bedroom sequence.
If you subscribe to "Writer's Digest" (online) and get the newsletter, you should read Elizabeth Sim's piece on eight rules to a great first chapter, they're quite helpful.
I'll try to stay with you on this book, but I'm hip-deep in my own work.
Ted
Comment Written 07-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Bobby tells Anna to get dinner fixed soon, then goes out? It doesn't fly. & He comes back drunk at 2:30 AM and demands his dinner? That doesn't fly either. (I hate to tell you, but I had an ex-husband who did this all the time.)
I guess all I can stay is sorry to disappoint you.
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Hi Barbara :)
My bad, I guess. I've never dealt with a person with Bobby's idiot mentality. If you've experienced such manic abuse, then it has to be real. However, the other points I made need your attention.
You've read my story about Anna fighting back. I hope Bobby comes to the same end.
Ted
