Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Part One of Chapter 1"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
117 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Hi dear B! Hope you are doing well. I have not been reviewing prose much lately (because I am doing free lance editing on prose books and when I visit FS have been more in the mood for poetry). I am not likely to read all chapters but it sure is nice to start with chapter one, for once!
As usual, you excel in dialog--t sounds natural, is true to life and it's well paced. Bobby's a real jerk!!
I will make some suggestions for revisions on line with passive voicing or other issues, and will not take time to explain because i think from all our previous shared reviewing you will understand why i make suggestions without me having to spell it out directly. if there is any suggestion you do not understand, do please let me know. Maybe I can use a code--LOL --like PV for passive voicing ;-)
*
Anna is a young mother, who is striving to find a way out of an abusive marriage. PV!!!
Anna is a young mother striving to find a way out of an abusive marriage.
* Troy is fighting his own demons. PV!
Troy fights his own demons.
*
Can they help each other while finding love, or are their struggles too much to over come.(?)
* Probably,(; or --) he's a male. Anna sighed and returned to reading.
As Anna reached the door, she turned and glanced toward Troy, who waved. Anna(SHE) returned it, then rushed from the building. No need to repeat Anna's name. She works better in second sentence, i think.
*unnecessary speech tag here and one typo-
"Shhh, you'll wake Michael. Your plate's in the fridge," she said standing in the bedroom door(way) as she pulled the tie of the tattered terry(-)cloth robe around her slender waist. "
Suggest revising to an action tag instead--
"Shhh, you'll wake Michael. Your plate's in the fridge." She stood in the bedroom doorway as she pulled the tie of the tattered terry-cloth robe around her slender waist. "
*
After he squeezed and twisted her arm, he sneered,
Consider trimming the word AFTER
He squeezed and twisted her arm, then sneered
*Please read this aloud and note how many times you use the name ANNA. (too many). Then substitute the pronoun SHE in one or two spots and read aloud again. ;-)
Anna lifted Michael from his bed. After a clean diaper and a kiss to his cheek, she laid him in the crib and covered him. Anna glanced toward the door. I can't go back to my bed. Bobby will be there within the hour. I'll sleep here. She curled up on the floor beside the crib and pushed her right arm between a slat, rubbing Michael's back. Anna soon fell into a restless sleep.
this ia good first chapter and draws the reader into the story and the characters. Needs fine tuning but off to a good start. i did look for your trademark closing hook adn failed to find one. I guess this indeed is a different style for you.
Best of luck!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Hi dear B! Hope you are doing well. I have not been reviewing prose much lately (because I am doing free lance editing on prose books and when I visit FS have been more in the mood for poetry). I am not likely to read all chapters but it sure is nice to start with chapter one, for once!
As usual, you excel in dialog--t sounds natural, is true to life and it's well paced. Bobby's a real jerk!!
I will make some suggestions for revisions on line with passive voicing or other issues, and will not take time to explain because i think from all our previous shared reviewing you will understand why i make suggestions without me having to spell it out directly. if there is any suggestion you do not understand, do please let me know. Maybe I can use a code--LOL --like PV for passive voicing ;-)
*
Anna is a young mother, who is striving to find a way out of an abusive marriage. PV!!!
Anna is a young mother striving to find a way out of an abusive marriage.
* Troy is fighting his own demons. PV!
Troy fights his own demons.
*
Can they help each other while finding love, or are their struggles too much to over come.(?)
* Probably,(; or --) he's a male. Anna sighed and returned to reading.
As Anna reached the door, she turned and glanced toward Troy, who waved. Anna(SHE) returned it, then rushed from the building. No need to repeat Anna's name. She works better in second sentence, i think.
*unnecessary speech tag here and one typo-
"Shhh, you'll wake Michael. Your plate's in the fridge," she said standing in the bedroom door(way) as she pulled the tie of the tattered terry(-)cloth robe around her slender waist. "
Suggest revising to an action tag instead--
"Shhh, you'll wake Michael. Your plate's in the fridge." She stood in the bedroom doorway as she pulled the tie of the tattered terry-cloth robe around her slender waist. "
*
After he squeezed and twisted her arm, he sneered,
Consider trimming the word AFTER
He squeezed and twisted her arm, then sneered
*Please read this aloud and note how many times you use the name ANNA. (too many). Then substitute the pronoun SHE in one or two spots and read aloud again. ;-)
Anna lifted Michael from his bed. After a clean diaper and a kiss to his cheek, she laid him in the crib and covered him. Anna glanced toward the door. I can't go back to my bed. Bobby will be there within the hour. I'll sleep here. She curled up on the floor beside the crib and pushed her right arm between a slat, rubbing Michael's back. Anna soon fell into a restless sleep.
this ia good first chapter and draws the reader into the story and the characters. Needs fine tuning but off to a good start. i did look for your trademark closing hook adn failed to find one. I guess this indeed is a different style for you.
Best of luck!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 08-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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This is the first time my background information has been reviewed. I was surprised. I made the corrections except for terrycloth. My Webster's dictionary says it is a compound word, no hyphen. I also did not change door to doorway because, early in my early I had used doorway, hallway and I entered many contests, no FS every critque that came back told me to ditch the 'way'. I am also confused with my use of Anna change to she. When I attempteed my Quality Seal on FS, I was told I used too many pronouns and to use more the name more,
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Hi dear B - Not sure what you refer to in terms of reviewing background info?
about terrycloth, my spellcheck underlined it; otherwise, I would not have mentioned. Sometimes spellchecks are wrong, though!
door is also perfectly acceptable.
About pronouns, yes..tou do overuse pronouns but that observation of the pronoun habit INCLUDES using the character's names as well.
It has more to do with sentence structuring, i think.
Hope you are feeling a bit better these days?
best wishes,
rd
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As for terrycloth, I went the old fashioned way and used an acutal book My Webster's Dictionary.
If I don't use she or the persdn's the person's name how do I refer to the person, 'that woman'?
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No dear--you can definitely use both names and pronouns but be careful of OVEr-using (more than necessary or twice in one sentence) and also try not to start too many sentences (especially in a row) with the name or pronoun as first word.
Next time I review a new post of yours, i'll try to point out this issue if I see it.
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Thank you. I am editing my next post and trying to not to use either to much and to be honest I am confused.
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So sorry I could not clarify better. Will try again in your next post.
Comment from yordanos
I loved it! i was so engulfed in the story and i wanted to keep reading i wanted there to be more. In my opinion you can always judge the quality of someones writing when it has the power to pull you in emotionally. I became very emotionally invested in Anna's life without even knowing her or knowing if she was a real person, but your writing made her a real person to me.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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I loved it! i was so engulfed in the story and i wanted to keep reading i wanted there to be more. In my opinion you can always judge the quality of someones writing when it has the power to pull you in emotionally. I became very emotionally invested in Anna's life without even knowing her or knowing if she was a real person, but your writing made her a real person to me.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Thank you for the kind review. I know my writing worked if it impacted you that way.
Comment from Nanashirley
It is the start of a good story I can see that you have built your characters ahead. I would have liked more detail on the husband and wife but I will wait. Hope your feeling well?
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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It is the start of a good story I can see that you have built your characters ahead. I would have liked more detail on the husband and wife but I will wait. Hope your feeling well?
Comment Written 07-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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This is only the first 5 pages of chapter one. I promise more details will come as the chapter developes.
Comment from fionageorge
You have certainly developed your characters very quickly in this first part. It is clear Anna and Bobby have major problems and that Anna may be planning on leaving him, but is not strong enough to stand up to him. Now, as for Troy, there is a man who shows promise! Great use of dialogue and narration. Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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You have certainly developed your characters very quickly in this first part. It is clear Anna and Bobby have major problems and that Anna may be planning on leaving him, but is not strong enough to stand up to him. Now, as for Troy, there is a man who shows promise! Great use of dialogue and narration. Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment Written 07-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and encouraging words.
Comment from Russel Chale
A compelling beginning to your novel. I would like to read more as you develop the characters of Anna, Bobby and Troy. Delve deeper into Anna's misery and dissatisfaction with her marriage.
or are their struggles too much to [overcome].
"Anna Rodgers[.] I'm sorry[,] I should watch where I'm walking. I hope I didn't hurt you."
Anna set the diaper bag and her purse on the cement as she shifted her [six-month-old] son to her right hip.
(You could write: ... six months old ...)
Good work.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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A compelling beginning to your novel. I would like to read more as you develop the characters of Anna, Bobby and Troy. Delve deeper into Anna's misery and dissatisfaction with her marriage.
or are their struggles too much to [overcome].
"Anna Rodgers[.] I'm sorry[,] I should watch where I'm walking. I hope I didn't hurt you."
Anna set the diaper bag and her purse on the cement as she shifted her [six-month-old] son to her right hip.
(You could write: ... six months old ...)
Good work.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Sefiros
You use very descriptive dialogue to flesh out the husband. Very nice. One possible plot twist is that when Anna decides to leave him, he leaves her first with a woman he's having an affair with. Or possibly a confrontation with Troy. The piece has a lot of potential. Good job.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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You use very descriptive dialogue to flesh out the husband. Very nice. One possible plot twist is that when Anna decides to leave him, he leaves her first with a woman he's having an affair with. Or possibly a confrontation with Troy. The piece has a lot of potential. Good job.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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I have an idea for plot twist that happen to come from a real life story. Thank you for your ideas.
Comment from moyramouse
You have drawn your reader into this compulsive story from the beginning.
The three main characters have been introduced and whilst we only know a little of Troy from the brief meeting he had with Anna at the library, we know a lot about Anna's life and her abusive husband Bobby. You have told us just enough about them for us to be able to fill in with our imagination, a good technique for getting readers to identify with the characters. I shall look forward to your next post to see how Anna struggles to get herself out of this unbearable situation. x moyramouse
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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You have drawn your reader into this compulsive story from the beginning.
The three main characters have been introduced and whilst we only know a little of Troy from the brief meeting he had with Anna at the library, we know a lot about Anna's life and her abusive husband Bobby. You have told us just enough about them for us to be able to fill in with our imagination, a good technique for getting readers to identify with the characters. I shall look forward to your next post to see how Anna struggles to get herself out of this unbearable situation. x moyramouse
Comment Written 07-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate your encouraging words.
Comment from Nanette Mary
Hullo Barbara ...
This new novel of yours is certainly different from your usual style of writing and, in what you have here, there is nothing to suggest changing.
Don't be nervous .... just write, check and then post your work. The more relaxed you are when writing, the better the story will be - haven't you already found that to be true?
Love from ..... Nanette Mary.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Hullo Barbara ...
This new novel of yours is certainly different from your usual style of writing and, in what you have here, there is nothing to suggest changing.
Don't be nervous .... just write, check and then post your work. The more relaxed you are when writing, the better the story will be - haven't you already found that to be true?
Love from ..... Nanette Mary.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your words of wisdom and your kind review.
Comment from Diny
Good start and glimpse into the main charachter- I wanted more discription not just she did this then that- possibly more scene setr upbut this seems very real! good luck with it-Di
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Good start and glimpse into the main charachter- I wanted more discription not just she did this then that- possibly more scene setr upbut this seems very real! good luck with it-Di
Comment Written 07-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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I like the reader to use their imgination. I like to give them just enough to let them figure it out. It draws the reader more into the story.
Comment from SkyBluePink
Oh, I'm loving this already.
I'm excited for chapter 2.
You did a fantastic job with the first chapter, setting the scene for so much more to come.
There is a huge reason you felt compelled to write it. Spousal abuse is on the rampage, and it needs to come to the surface more, and to allow readers to see it more clearly.
I'm sure a lot of readers are in the midst of this type of situation, and don't even realize it is abuse! It happens every day.
Only two areas I can see, might need your attention.
*Good. A quiet place to read. *What about...* Good, a quiet place to read.
*Anna returned it, then *What about... *Anna returned it, and then...
Remember just a thought. You may see it differently, and I'm in no way an expert.
I absolutely love how this story flows, and it pulls the reader INTO THE STORY! You have already PULLED me in, and that is a talent & gift few writers have.
I think you did an excellent first chapter, and I'm eager to read more.
Thanks for sharing this with us. I know it is going to turn into a best read for me.
Keep Writing!
:)
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Oh, I'm loving this already.
I'm excited for chapter 2.
You did a fantastic job with the first chapter, setting the scene for so much more to come.
There is a huge reason you felt compelled to write it. Spousal abuse is on the rampage, and it needs to come to the surface more, and to allow readers to see it more clearly.
I'm sure a lot of readers are in the midst of this type of situation, and don't even realize it is abuse! It happens every day.
Only two areas I can see, might need your attention.
*Good. A quiet place to read. *What about...* Good, a quiet place to read.
*Anna returned it, then *What about... *Anna returned it, and then...
Remember just a thought. You may see it differently, and I'm in no way an expert.
I absolutely love how this story flows, and it pulls the reader INTO THE STORY! You have already PULLED me in, and that is a talent & gift few writers have.
I think you did an excellent first chapter, and I'm eager to read more.
Thanks for sharing this with us. I know it is going to turn into a best read for me.
Keep Writing!
:)
Comment Written 07-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and I will check out those two areas.
