Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Part One of Chapter 1"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
117 total reviews
Comment from Dave M
Barbara,
I'm glad to see you posting romance novels again. And whether or not this story is finished, this chapter is a good start. I enjoyed reading this post, despite Bobby's boorishness, and I couldn't find anything to criticize.
Dave
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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Barbara,
I'm glad to see you posting romance novels again. And whether or not this story is finished, this chapter is a good start. I enjoyed reading this post, despite Bobby's boorishness, and I couldn't find anything to criticize.
Dave
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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Thank you Dave, I always wait for your weigh-in before I know if something is working. I couldn't stay away from romance for long.
Comment from eliz100
This was a good, interesting from beginning to end. It kept my interest and I want to keep reading. I look forward to the next installment.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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This was a good, interesting from beginning to end. It kept my interest and I want to keep reading. I look forward to the next installment.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and support.
Comment from Shirley B
Oh Barbara, what a great start to a book. If it would help Anna get out of there, I would help her pack. But I know life is never that easy. I can tell this is going to be a great story. One that you have a personal interest in. I think we all have seen this at one time or another to a family member or friend. I will keep reading. Great job, Shirley
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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Oh Barbara, what a great start to a book. If it would help Anna get out of there, I would help her pack. But I know life is never that easy. I can tell this is going to be a great story. One that you have a personal interest in. I think we all have seen this at one time or another to a family member or friend. I will keep reading. Great job, Shirley
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and insight.
Comment from Pearl Edwards
A good start to your novel, held my interest as I read it, Just a few minor edits I noticed,
Anna set the diaper bag and her purse on the cement as (and) shifted or as (she) shifted -
the grease splatter (splattered)
and a kiss to her check (cheek)
do keep going with Anna.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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A good start to your novel, held my interest as I read it, Just a few minor edits I noticed,
Anna set the diaper bag and her purse on the cement as (and) shifted or as (she) shifted -
the grease splatter (splattered)
and a kiss to her check (cheek)
do keep going with Anna.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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Thank you for catching those errors. I have corrected them.
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It must be very late over there in Texas, for I have just gotten up to read a couple of things before brekkie here in Townsville, Aus.
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It's 3:15 in the afternoon here.
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That's interesting to know, it is 7.00 am Monday morning here, thanks barbara.
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I have seen photos of Aus. It looks like it's gorgeous. I have always wanted to visit. Someday maybe I'll make it.
Comment from bookishfabler
I don't blame you. My first novel, Behind Green Eyes, was complete, but a mess when I arrived here. But, Deadly secrts is a work in progress. I'm a bit stuck here at the end, and I'm sure as I go through everything again, I will change some of the chapters and scenes to mesh together better. But, many people work this way. It's a chalange.
Okay, like the chapter, a few things to look at.
After eying (eyeing) the aisle again, she read while walking toward the chair.
(Sweetie, I'm confused here in the beginning, who's point of view are we in? It starts with Anna, but meshes with Troy. She shouldn't even know his name yet.
Troy set the book on the arm of the chair. "Sorry, but I'll need to touch you as I lift you to the floor." He set a hand on each side of her waist, then helped her until her feet touched the floor. "Let me introduce myself. I'm Troy Whitman, and you are?"
(maybe see his through her eyes, give him some decription she would use, something as simple as handsome, or blond, or skinny. At least until he is introduced by name.
tie of the tattered terrycloth robe(-d) around her slender waist.
He grabbed her arm(-,) just above the wrist. "I want you to stay with me."
Hope all is well and you're feeling better.
hugs book
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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I don't blame you. My first novel, Behind Green Eyes, was complete, but a mess when I arrived here. But, Deadly secrts is a work in progress. I'm a bit stuck here at the end, and I'm sure as I go through everything again, I will change some of the chapters and scenes to mesh together better. But, many people work this way. It's a chalange.
Okay, like the chapter, a few things to look at.
After eying (eyeing) the aisle again, she read while walking toward the chair.
(Sweetie, I'm confused here in the beginning, who's point of view are we in? It starts with Anna, but meshes with Troy. She shouldn't even know his name yet.
Troy set the book on the arm of the chair. "Sorry, but I'll need to touch you as I lift you to the floor." He set a hand on each side of her waist, then helped her until her feet touched the floor. "Let me introduce myself. I'm Troy Whitman, and you are?"
(maybe see his through her eyes, give him some decription she would use, something as simple as handsome, or blond, or skinny. At least until he is introduced by name.
tie of the tattered terrycloth robe(-d) around her slender waist.
He grabbed her arm(-,) just above the wrist. "I want you to stay with me."
Hope all is well and you're feeling better.
hugs book
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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I made a hard copy so I don't miss any of the errors. I thought it was eyeing too, but my spell check through a fit and said it was eying, but it never looked right to me. Thank you for your eagle eye.
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I typed them bot out, and neither came up wrong, but, I would go with eyeing. Glad to be of help
Comment from Terry wrote
A very good start to what promises to be a story that will take strength and help to move this woman through the problems already evident in the opening chapter. I'll be back to read more as it is posted.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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A very good start to what promises to be a story that will take strength and help to move this woman through the problems already evident in the opening chapter. I'll be back to read more as it is posted.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from missy98writer
Barbara,
frist off I love this chapter and Bobbie is an ass hole, I hate him. Anna better dump his ass. I loved the man she ran into. Poor Anna. You're going in a diffrent direction, my talented friend. As always excellent dialogue, superb narrative and great dialogue. What a total jerk her husband is to her. He won't even help with the kids. If any man yelled at me he'd be on a one way trip to the ER after I slap this total shit out of him: "Bitch, where'd my dinner!" I'm a bitch and I hate abusive drunks. I have a 357 and know how to use it! Bobbie is the worst character ever, an abusive drunk. I was revolted for poor Anna.
Melissa.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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Barbara,
frist off I love this chapter and Bobbie is an ass hole, I hate him. Anna better dump his ass. I loved the man she ran into. Poor Anna. You're going in a diffrent direction, my talented friend. As always excellent dialogue, superb narrative and great dialogue. What a total jerk her husband is to her. He won't even help with the kids. If any man yelled at me he'd be on a one way trip to the ER after I slap this total shit out of him: "Bitch, where'd my dinner!" I'm a bitch and I hate abusive drunks. I have a 357 and know how to use it! Bobbie is the worst character ever, an abusive drunk. I was revolted for poor Anna.
Melissa.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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I wanted my readers to hate Bobby. I am glad it worked. Thank you for the kind review.
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Bobbie would be looking at the business end of a kiniption fit and my Smith and Wesson.
Melissa.
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Barbara,
Oh goody another story from your talented pen. Because of your author's notes I feel there might be more truth than fiction in the theme of your novel. I hope you aren't speaking of yourself but if so I am sorry. You have penned your characters well and made them come alive in my mind. Well done and I'll try to be patient as I await the second chapter. Blessings, chey
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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Hi Barbara,
Oh goody another story from your talented pen. Because of your author's notes I feel there might be more truth than fiction in the theme of your novel. I hope you aren't speaking of yourself but if so I am sorry. You have penned your characters well and made them come alive in my mind. Well done and I'll try to be patient as I await the second chapter. Blessings, chey
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Paradox Tremors
I love Anna's thinking about us "males" (LOL)--then, again, with Bobby's abusive nature I can understand. I hope she can get "Out" before it's too late for her or Michael. Well written my friend. Enjoyed this very, very much.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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I love Anna's thinking about us "males" (LOL)--then, again, with Bobby's abusive nature I can understand. I hope she can get "Out" before it's too late for her or Michael. Well written my friend. Enjoyed this very, very much.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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Anna will realize there are wonderful males out there. You can't deny there are jerks like Bobby out there too. (LOL) Thank you for your kind review.
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There's probably more jerks than there are true gentlemen these days. Love the write.
Comment from adewpearl
It's not everyday a pretty woman drops - every day
I'll start it as soon as I change, Michael - add comma for direct address
Thank you, God, for waking Michael - add the second comma
Barbara, you've done a great job of introducing your main characters, establishing the tone and setting the stage. I especially like the way the husband's dialogue reveals his character, and you contrast her encounter with him so well with the experience with the stranger earlier on. :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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It's not everyday a pretty woman drops - every day
I'll start it as soon as I change, Michael - add comma for direct address
Thank you, God, for waking Michael - add the second comma
Barbara, you've done a great job of introducing your main characters, establishing the tone and setting the stage. I especially like the way the husband's dialogue reveals his character, and you contrast her encounter with him so well with the experience with the stranger earlier on. :-) Brooke
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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You know how I struggle with commas. Thank you for catching those errors.
