You're Out!
38 total reviews
Comment from joelh605
Fun! but questions:
For one, I suppose you couldn't resist the chance to scoop some bucks in the contest - this is hands down better than the usual fare - so will you link it back to the book at some point?
But for the other, just how did Dennis penetrate the mystery of which room they were in? Surely you have that all dialed in; but I didn't see it.
Boffo!
Joel
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2011
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Fun! but questions:
For one, I suppose you couldn't resist the chance to scoop some bucks in the contest - this is hands down better than the usual fare - so will you link it back to the book at some point?
But for the other, just how did Dennis penetrate the mystery of which room they were in? Surely you have that all dialed in; but I didn't see it.
Boffo!
Joel
Comment Written 02-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2011
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Hey Joel,
When I saw the prompt, it was like Tom wrote that sentence for me! I mean, it fit so perfectly I just had to go for it.
You up for something in the 'Harry Potter' genre? Look for a pm, gotcha a goodie.
Okay, yes, I will re-attach this one to the book once the contests are over. Man, two in one week, whee!
Dennis somehow found someone in the room service team that decided to make a little money on the side, and when Sam called down for lunch, Dennis got to play waiter. It's a little thin right now, but by the time I publish, I'll have it figured out...maybe someone Dennis knew? Hmmm. Probably do that one in a flashback, something like that.
Hey buddy, thanks for the great support and wonderful comments.
Big hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Border Reiver
Although this story has the same characters and similar story line, is it meant to be taken as separate from the rest of the novel? I say this because Dennis has no fear of Bella or Tony, whereas when he was originally stalking Peggy he was afraid of Bella. I'm sure there must be some missing chapters in between, although I understand that you've posted this now because of the deadline for the contest.
I got the feeling this chapter was slightly rushed. Personally, I don't think it's as magical as the other chapters. Although I'm not deducting any stars because I'm stuck on any suggestions. What it's missing is that special quality you have in all the other chapters, where you completely immerse the reader into the world and they become so absorbed, they don't even realise they are reading. All throughout this chapter, with the exception of when the TV crews arrive, I was aware that I was reading.
She clenched her teeth... the shes in this paragraph do stick out quite a bit. I also felt there might be something missing when Frankie began to cry. I could 'hear' her cry, but I couldn't 'see' it. Although this leaves it open for the reader to imagine how she's crying, I feel a little more explanation would help. Did she crumble to the floor? Clench her fists up against the wall?
Perhaps it's just my head that's a bit stuffy and not working properly today. I'll have another look by the weekend with fresh eyes to see if I can 'watch' rather than 'read' this chapter- if you know what I mean.
When I get done with you, you and that stinkin' mutt, you'll both be sorry.' Sorry, I couldn't help but think of the witch in the Wizard of Oz at this point, "I'll get you and your little dog too." That made me giggle.
I promise to have another look xxx
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2011
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Although this story has the same characters and similar story line, is it meant to be taken as separate from the rest of the novel? I say this because Dennis has no fear of Bella or Tony, whereas when he was originally stalking Peggy he was afraid of Bella. I'm sure there must be some missing chapters in between, although I understand that you've posted this now because of the deadline for the contest.
I got the feeling this chapter was slightly rushed. Personally, I don't think it's as magical as the other chapters. Although I'm not deducting any stars because I'm stuck on any suggestions. What it's missing is that special quality you have in all the other chapters, where you completely immerse the reader into the world and they become so absorbed, they don't even realise they are reading. All throughout this chapter, with the exception of when the TV crews arrive, I was aware that I was reading.
She clenched her teeth... the shes in this paragraph do stick out quite a bit. I also felt there might be something missing when Frankie began to cry. I could 'hear' her cry, but I couldn't 'see' it. Although this leaves it open for the reader to imagine how she's crying, I feel a little more explanation would help. Did she crumble to the floor? Clench her fists up against the wall?
Perhaps it's just my head that's a bit stuffy and not working properly today. I'll have another look by the weekend with fresh eyes to see if I can 'watch' rather than 'read' this chapter- if you know what I mean.
When I get done with you, you and that stinkin' mutt, you'll both be sorry.' Sorry, I couldn't help but think of the witch in the Wizard of Oz at this point, "I'll get you and your little dog too." That made me giggle.
I promise to have another look xxx
Comment Written 01-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2011
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Hey Kat,
When I saw the prompt I just couldn't resist. When it's over, I'll just attach this one to the book. I'm going to LA to meet up with Norma Thurs-Sun, so I won't be posting anything more until Monday.
Okay. Dennis, when he gets into one of his 'states' isn't afraid of God. The dogs don't mean any more to him than a dozen cops with guns drawn. There's only one way out for him and he got it. Now I deliberately accelerated the action because I wanted to get the reader really engaged. I couldn't figure any other way to get that done. Any suggestions would be gratefully received. I really covet your take because in most cases I can deliver for you, so when I don't, I'd like to know! Let me check into those 'shes' and try to pare a few down.
Hope you're not coming down with a cold, poor baby, this is not the month to do that. Seems the March colds go on into April, grrr.
Hugs and love,
Gayle
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Hi Gayle,
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Hi Gayle,
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Oops, So I can't press the enter button to start a new paragraph. Just to let you know, I've re-read the chapter with a sound mind and realise that it does work. Although, I'm still not 100% convinced by the dogs. Personally, I would still cringe if I had to fight though a pool of spiders. Naturally, I would still do it if it were to save someone I cared about, but I would be trembling all the way through. Maybe it's the previous chapter that needs some tweaking. From that, I had the impression he had a phobia of dogs. No matter what state you get yourself in you can't switch off a phobia. My rabbit lives in the shed at the moment and there are lots of spiders. I'm brave another to enter now, because I need to for her, but I still hold my head low and focus my gaze on her. Therefore, I'm thinking, that although Dennis might be in 'one of his states' and be able to take on the dogs, he would still be anxious.
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P.S. congratulations on the win. You deserve it, you really are a fine writer xxx
Comment from Writeaway...
We are contenders here in the same contest showtimebook, the game is on, lol. An in thralling piece of creative writing, I was kept interested from beginning to end and cannot suggest anything for improvment, an excellent job, good luck in the contest, keep writing!! :)
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2011
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We are contenders here in the same contest showtimebook, the game is on, lol. An in thralling piece of creative writing, I was kept interested from beginning to end and cannot suggest anything for improvment, an excellent job, good luck in the contest, keep writing!! :)
Comment Written 01-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2011
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Hey Jake, thank you so much for the fine comments and best wishes. It's always so nice to make a new friend and I hope to see you back again. And all the very best in the contest!
Best,
Gayle
Comment from Readywriter52
Dennis was a big man so he could throw the dogs around. Frankie reaction to Dennis' death didn't surprise me. He might has ticked her off, but she still loved him. Why else wouldn't she had kill him years ago. Now Peggy has another person to worry about.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2011
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Dennis was a big man so he could throw the dogs around. Frankie reaction to Dennis' death didn't surprise me. He might has ticked her off, but she still loved him. Why else wouldn't she had kill him years ago. Now Peggy has another person to worry about.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2011
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Hello my friend, so nice to see you again, and may I take the time right now to thank you for your faithfulness! I don't think you've missed a chapter in the last two books I've written. You can't know how good it makes me feel that you're enjoying my writing. What a dear friend,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Sasha
Wow, this is an awesome chapter full of terrific tension and a wild roller coaster ride too. And you top it off with a great cliffhanger. I cannot wait for the next chapter.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2011
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Wow, this is an awesome chapter full of terrific tension and a wild roller coaster ride too. And you top it off with a great cliffhanger. I cannot wait for the next chapter.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2011
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Hey Sasha,
We have many things in common when it comes to our writing, don't we? You're the Cliffhanger Queen. Once the contest is over I have to put this into the book as a chapter. I won't be adding any more chapters until Monday. I'm going up to LA to spend the weekend with Norma! We always have such fun and the weather is supposed to be in the high 70's. O joy, we'll go to the beach!
Thanks so much for the wonderful comments, my friend.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Gayle:
Isn't that just like family? Frankie had come
to Vegas to kill Dennis but no one else was
allowed to do that even if it was to save her
life, right? You gotta love her thinking. And
now she feels she must avenge his death -- but,
of course, otherwise, the novel would be too
short and we would not have seen enough of these
precious pups -- Tony's jaw has to be fixed and
then he has to retire to the good life (studding)
and Bella needs some R & R.
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2011
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Gayle:
Isn't that just like family? Frankie had come
to Vegas to kill Dennis but no one else was
allowed to do that even if it was to save her
life, right? You gotta love her thinking. And
now she feels she must avenge his death -- but,
of course, otherwise, the novel would be too
short and we would not have seen enough of these
precious pups -- Tony's jaw has to be fixed and
then he has to retire to the good life (studding)
and Bella needs some R & R.
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
Comment Written 01-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2011
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Hey Jan,
I think you're got Frankie nailed. And yes, poor Tony. You know me and the dogs and their pov. I'm so sorely tempted to write a chapter that includes his take on what just went down. I bet he's humiliated!
Thanks so much for the wonderful comments. When the contest is over I have to put this back into the book. I won't be posting until Monday anyway, so it works fine, but I can't forget to do that!
Hey, thanks and big hugs, Jan,
Gayle oxoxo
Comment from bookishfabler
Is this the next chapter from the previous one. I know it's the contest, but I was shocked about Dennis being killed. I mean I see where you're going. Great chapter, entry. I still working on mine and hope to be able to get it posted. A few nits.
but maintained his feet.
Do you mean maintained his footing?
Unlike the many other times over the years (-that) Tony had taken down a perp this way,
"He punched them, both of them. I mean, (not possitive, but I think this is two sentences. Period after the first 'them'
hugs
book to book
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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Is this the next chapter from the previous one. I know it's the contest, but I was shocked about Dennis being killed. I mean I see where you're going. Great chapter, entry. I still working on mine and hope to be able to get it posted. A few nits.
but maintained his feet.
Do you mean maintained his footing?
Unlike the many other times over the years (-that) Tony had taken down a perp this way,
"He punched them, both of them. I mean, (not possitive, but I think this is two sentences. Period after the first 'them'
hugs
book to book
Comment Written 01-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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Hey Heidi,
Oh yes, this is really a following chapter, but the prompt for the contest was so fitting I figured I'd get a two-for-one. And you know me, the story I start with is never the story at the end! Another twofer, as it were.
Jim's just amazed there in that dialogue and running words together, outraged! Remember, this is the first time anyone's hit Tony!
Love your comments as always, now go vote, lol.
Hugs
from one Book to Another :)
Comment from marcii
YaY Peggy..
Denis had a hit out on him and a sister who was going to kill her brother yet in the end Peggy got the deed done.
Frankies pissed cause she didn't get to do the job herself.
Marcii
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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YaY Peggy..
Denis had a hit out on him and a sister who was going to kill her brother yet in the end Peggy got the deed done.
Frankies pissed cause she didn't get to do the job herself.
Marcii
Comment Written 01-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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Hey Marcii,
Yep, we have a twist no one expected. Now we have to see what Frankie will do next. I think we'll have a bit of a love story here, but then it's back to Santa Monica...and Franie!
Thanks so much for the wonderful comments. I much appreciate them!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Dave M
Gayle,
So Dennis is gone, but the plot continues. We'll see what Frankie can do. I enjoyed this read and couldn't find anything to criticize.
Dave
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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Gayle,
So Dennis is gone, but the plot continues. We'll see what Frankie can do. I enjoyed this read and couldn't find anything to criticize.
Dave
Comment Written 28-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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LOL, you talk about a way to go, Dave. Normally I don't use chapters for contests, but this prompt was just perfect.
So glad you liked it and now it's on to Frankie!
Oh boy, and Peggy and the Team won't be looking for it.
Thanks a bunch, my friend,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Korton
I can't believe that Dennis was able to take out both Bella and Tony, but then again, a crazed killer, pumped with adrenaline is pretty formadible. Peggy did a good job of retaining her cool taking Dennis out, but has no idea about Frankie. The rest of this should be very interesting. Very well done.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2011
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I can't believe that Dennis was able to take out both Bella and Tony, but then again, a crazed killer, pumped with adrenaline is pretty formadible. Peggy did a good job of retaining her cool taking Dennis out, but has no idea about Frankie. The rest of this should be very interesting. Very well done.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2011
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This was hard since it was a contest entry and regular chapter as well. As you can imagine, there were new readers who were totally lost regarding the characters and what was going on, but they loved the chapter and so hope springs eternal.
Thanks so much for the great comments and your support!
Hugs,
Gayle
