Flash Fiction Collection
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "The Family That Eats Together..."a selection of my best flash fiction
33 total reviews
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Author,
This is a fabulous story for the contest. It is very well written and believable. You developed your characters well even though you couldn't write more about them I got a clear picture in my mind. Good writing skills are apparent throughout the story. I enjoyed this a lot. Good luck in the contest. Blessings, chey
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2011
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Hi Author,
This is a fabulous story for the contest. It is very well written and believable. You developed your characters well even though you couldn't write more about them I got a clear picture in my mind. Good writing skills are apparent throughout the story. I enjoyed this a lot. Good luck in the contest. Blessings, chey
Comment Written 17-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2011
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Thank you, chey, I'm so glad you enjoyed my story.
Comment from jmdg1954
Seems sort of silly that suddenly out of the blue a child appears at your doorstep with a crumbled note with a bunch of hog wash and you buy into it, just like that.
All the electronics shut off for a "blessed" two hours??? I don't get that, how can two hours be blessed?
This crumbled letter from the back woods mother who only spelt two words wrong, certainly did well with punctuation and grammer... doesn't balance out in my mind.
Some of the story line needs to be tightened up some.
John
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2011
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Seems sort of silly that suddenly out of the blue a child appears at your doorstep with a crumbled note with a bunch of hog wash and you buy into it, just like that.
All the electronics shut off for a "blessed" two hours??? I don't get that, how can two hours be blessed?
This crumbled letter from the back woods mother who only spelt two words wrong, certainly did well with punctuation and grammer... doesn't balance out in my mind.
Some of the story line needs to be tightened up some.
John
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2011
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Two hours of peace and quiet spent with your family can be blessed. So did you like anything about the story?
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I did like the storyline, but, it all seemed to happen much to quickly. In flash fiction, is that partly what is acceptable with the limited number of words? That will explain the blessed two hours...
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The "blessed two hours" refers to uninterrupted family time and has nothing to do with the child showing up. I'm confused--you say it happened too quickly, but in your review you said the story line needs to be tightened up.
Anyway, I find it's best to balance the negative with positive so the review doesn't come across as harsh. I appreciate your honesty.
Comment from Maxine Kendall
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this touching story. I will admit it brought quite a lump to the throat.
This is well written both in the narrative and dialogue.
Change came knocking on the Jenson's door halfway through Sunday dinner ... This is a great opening.
I love a good ending and your story definitely has that.
I wish I had a six left to give you.
Well done and good luck.
Maxine
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
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I thoroughly enjoyed reading this touching story. I will admit it brought quite a lump to the throat.
This is well written both in the narrative and dialogue.
Change came knocking on the Jenson's door halfway through Sunday dinner ... This is a great opening.
I love a good ending and your story definitely has that.
I wish I had a six left to give you.
Well done and good luck.
Maxine
Comment Written 16-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
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Thank you, Maxine. Someone else thought that opening line was too cliche. I guess that just proves everyone sees things differently. I'm so glad you enjoyed my story, and I appreciate the encouraging review.
Comment from c_lucas
War interrupts the homefront, also. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an easy read. There is good imagery.
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
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War interrupts the homefront, also. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an easy read. There is good imagery.
Comment Written 16-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
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Thank you, I'm glad you liked my story.
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YOu're welcome.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written with good form and good flow, a great job writing this story about the miracle of a grandson to bring happiness and joy to a father missing his son. good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
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this is very well written with good form and good flow, a great job writing this story about the miracle of a grandson to bring happiness and joy to a father missing his son. good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 16-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
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Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from highlander104
Oh, WOW! This has got to be the winning entry. Tears and smiles all at the same time have convinced me this is a sixer. Great piece of writing, well drafted characters in just a short story along with good imagery and a lot of emotion. Good luck in the contest.
Jean K.
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
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Oh, WOW! This has got to be the winning entry. Tears and smiles all at the same time have convinced me this is a sixer. Great piece of writing, well drafted characters in just a short story along with good imagery and a lot of emotion. Good luck in the contest.
Jean K.
Comment Written 16-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
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Wow, thank you so much, Jean, for the generous rating and the wonderful review. I hope you're right about the win.
Comment from LaQuin
Very moving and well written. I am pretty sure that anyone who can spell pancreatic correctly could spell from correctly, too. I know you had few words, but the hick was a little over done for me.
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
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Very moving and well written. I am pretty sure that anyone who can spell pancreatic correctly could spell from correctly, too. I know you had few words, but the hick was a little over done for me.
Comment Written 16-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
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You're probably right. To be honest I wrote this in a couple hours and barely got it in under the wire. I will edit after the voting is over. thanks for the honest review.
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Sorry it took me long to revisit! Great edits and congrats on winning the contest! YAY!
Love, rd
First review (TWO stars!)
Hello. What a charming story. i enjoyed reading and feel it deserves the ample time it will require to review in depth. I am happy to see your Author's notes requesting advice, because i noticed another reviewer gave you a six for this and did not want you to think it is yet ready for it---but it could be! It has the potential and makings of a great contest entry. This is very well conceived and basically well written, though there are some spag problems (NOT including the letter which is brilliantly having spag as an artistic characterization and you did that well!)
Some nuances of style pertaining to Flash fiction genre are absent - will note them below.
The lower rating is due to the fact it is flash fiction and not a reflection of the quality of your writing, which is very good (though still needs a lot of work as reflected in my rating choice - which, by the way, I am happy to amend after revisions should you opt to make them)
Flash fiction is like the HAIKU of prose, where less is more. This has not only to do with the length of the work but also the style of phrasing in your sentences--choosing the fewest words possible to convey the meaning. ALL UNNECESSARY WORDS MUST BE TRIMMED.
Another thing in Flash fiction is it usually has a twist in the end and while that is not mandatory, i think your ending is too obvious as it is. It does not bring on a sudden AHA! On the other hand, it is touching and sweet so that makes up for it. (Not suggesting a change but just FYI for future flash projects)
Here are some detailed reviewing notes pertaining to SPAG an fF style, sentence structure and any other tiny nits-
*Change came knocking on the Jenson's door halfway through Sunday dinner.
One tiny nit - Are you sure you with to begin with a cliched phrase? is it necessary to the story-line that the reader know right away that is SUNDAY dinner? I feel this word could be trimmed and sunday mentioned in the next sentence (also trimmed--see below)
*This was the one day of the week she insisted the family eat together, with all of the electronics shut off for a blessed two hours.
This sentence is very wordy. I am going to take the liberty to rephrase (using SUNDAY) - and to remove the two hours aspect, as that is not a relevant detail and can also be inferred by the reader without being told (in Flash, anything obvious to the reader need not be spelled out in print.) trimming off superfluous filler words like OF THE is also an important trick for flash style writing.
MY SUGGESTED EDIT- She insisted the family eat together every Sunday with all electronics shut off.
*Couldn't do anything about an unexpected visitor, except maybe invite them in, assuming they're the sort you'd want at the dinner table.
Also wordy.. Also, you use THEM so visitor should be plural. AT THE DINNER TABLE is implied without being said. Maybe try-
Couldn't do anything about unexpected visitors, except maybe invite them in, assuming they're the acceptable sort.
*
Her husband, Steve, laid his napkin by his plate. "Wonder who that could be?" He got up to answer the door.
Does the reader need to know where he put down the napkin? No! Do they need the words HE GOT UP TO answer the door? it i implied. So he went to see..less words convey the same meaning.
Her husband, Steve, laid his napkin down. "Wonder who that could be?" He went see.
*Their daughter, Sissy, home for spring break, rolled her eyes. "Probably some kid selling overpriced salt water taffy." She pushed a stalk of broccoli around in the puddle of margarine on her plate.
In normal fiction this descriptive detail would be great. but in flash, it seems too much. The action you wish to convey is pushing the broccoli around. the face of a puddle of margarine is overkill. Suggestion-
Their daughter, Sissy, home for spring break, rolled her eyes. "Probably some kid selling overpriced salt water taffy." She pushed a stalk of broccoli around her plate.
*Marion sipped her tea, keeping an ear on the foyer and the other on her sulking daughter.
Suggest using ONE instead of AN:
Marion sipped her tea, keeping one ear on the foyer and the other on her sulking daughter.
*The boy was young, maybe eight or nine. He•¿½??d never seen him before, but there was something about him•¿½?•¿½
two things here- 1) the boy was young and maybe eight or nine both convey the same thing. using one or the other would suffice. I suggest saying The boy was maybe eight or nine (the young part being inferable by that information)
2)The pronoun HE in second sentence is supposed to refer to Steve but technically refers to the boy, since he was the most recently referred to male character. therefore, you need to say: "Steve had never seen him before..."
*PJ dropped his grey backpack by his feet and dug in his pocket.
is BY HIS FEET required here? Maybe trim those words.
*Okay, here comes the spiel. - maybe use italics as it is internal dialog and is in present tense.
* He took the envelope and opened it, pulled out a letter written on a yellow piece of paper.
Could be trimmed slightly--
He opened the envelope and pulled out a letter written on a yellow piece of paper.
*
Steve looked at PJ again. Those blue eyes, the tousled sandy blond curls, were Paul•¿½??s. This was Paul's son.
Consider trimming:
Steve looked at PJ again. Those blue eyes and tousled sandy curls were Paul•¿½??s.
(The conclusion this was Paul's son is implied without needing to be stated but that is optionally acceptable of course)
*Steve and Marion (HAD) tried to talk Paul out of re-upping, but he could be a stubborn cuss.
*All his buddies in his unit were going for it, so he couldn•¿½??t say no. Three weeks later he was killed by a roadside bomb.
Could be tightened (also removing the passive voicing WAS KILLED BY A)
All his unit-buddies were going for it, so he couldn•¿½??t say no. Three weeks later a roadside bomb killed him.
*Consider using contractions in the dialog here- sounds more natural and uses one less word:
•¿½??How'd you get here?•¿½??
I hope this helps.
one more suggestion-- visit Suneagle's page--he has an essay on Flash Fiction with everything you need to know about this genre. he also teaches the FF course on FS. I took his class, which i why i can pass on these details...good luck.
all the best-
rama devi
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
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Second review
Sorry it took me long to revisit! Great edits and congrats on winning the contest! YAY!
Love, rd
First review (TWO stars!)
Hello. What a charming story. i enjoyed reading and feel it deserves the ample time it will require to review in depth. I am happy to see your Author's notes requesting advice, because i noticed another reviewer gave you a six for this and did not want you to think it is yet ready for it---but it could be! It has the potential and makings of a great contest entry. This is very well conceived and basically well written, though there are some spag problems (NOT including the letter which is brilliantly having spag as an artistic characterization and you did that well!)
Some nuances of style pertaining to Flash fiction genre are absent - will note them below.
The lower rating is due to the fact it is flash fiction and not a reflection of the quality of your writing, which is very good (though still needs a lot of work as reflected in my rating choice - which, by the way, I am happy to amend after revisions should you opt to make them)
Flash fiction is like the HAIKU of prose, where less is more. This has not only to do with the length of the work but also the style of phrasing in your sentences--choosing the fewest words possible to convey the meaning. ALL UNNECESSARY WORDS MUST BE TRIMMED.
Another thing in Flash fiction is it usually has a twist in the end and while that is not mandatory, i think your ending is too obvious as it is. It does not bring on a sudden AHA! On the other hand, it is touching and sweet so that makes up for it. (Not suggesting a change but just FYI for future flash projects)
Here are some detailed reviewing notes pertaining to SPAG an fF style, sentence structure and any other tiny nits-
*Change came knocking on the Jenson's door halfway through Sunday dinner.
One tiny nit - Are you sure you with to begin with a cliched phrase? is it necessary to the story-line that the reader know right away that is SUNDAY dinner? I feel this word could be trimmed and sunday mentioned in the next sentence (also trimmed--see below)
*This was the one day of the week she insisted the family eat together, with all of the electronics shut off for a blessed two hours.
This sentence is very wordy. I am going to take the liberty to rephrase (using SUNDAY) - and to remove the two hours aspect, as that is not a relevant detail and can also be inferred by the reader without being told (in Flash, anything obvious to the reader need not be spelled out in print.) trimming off superfluous filler words like OF THE is also an important trick for flash style writing.
MY SUGGESTED EDIT- She insisted the family eat together every Sunday with all electronics shut off.
*Couldn't do anything about an unexpected visitor, except maybe invite them in, assuming they're the sort you'd want at the dinner table.
Also wordy.. Also, you use THEM so visitor should be plural. AT THE DINNER TABLE is implied without being said. Maybe try-
Couldn't do anything about unexpected visitors, except maybe invite them in, assuming they're the acceptable sort.
*
Her husband, Steve, laid his napkin by his plate. "Wonder who that could be?" He got up to answer the door.
Does the reader need to know where he put down the napkin? No! Do they need the words HE GOT UP TO answer the door? it i implied. So he went to see..less words convey the same meaning.
Her husband, Steve, laid his napkin down. "Wonder who that could be?" He went see.
*Their daughter, Sissy, home for spring break, rolled her eyes. "Probably some kid selling overpriced salt water taffy." She pushed a stalk of broccoli around in the puddle of margarine on her plate.
In normal fiction this descriptive detail would be great. but in flash, it seems too much. The action you wish to convey is pushing the broccoli around. the face of a puddle of margarine is overkill. Suggestion-
Their daughter, Sissy, home for spring break, rolled her eyes. "Probably some kid selling overpriced salt water taffy." She pushed a stalk of broccoli around her plate.
*Marion sipped her tea, keeping an ear on the foyer and the other on her sulking daughter.
Suggest using ONE instead of AN:
Marion sipped her tea, keeping one ear on the foyer and the other on her sulking daughter.
*The boy was young, maybe eight or nine. He•¿½??d never seen him before, but there was something about him•¿½?•¿½
two things here- 1) the boy was young and maybe eight or nine both convey the same thing. using one or the other would suffice. I suggest saying The boy was maybe eight or nine (the young part being inferable by that information)
2)The pronoun HE in second sentence is supposed to refer to Steve but technically refers to the boy, since he was the most recently referred to male character. therefore, you need to say: "Steve had never seen him before..."
*PJ dropped his grey backpack by his feet and dug in his pocket.
is BY HIS FEET required here? Maybe trim those words.
*Okay, here comes the spiel. - maybe use italics as it is internal dialog and is in present tense.
* He took the envelope and opened it, pulled out a letter written on a yellow piece of paper.
Could be trimmed slightly--
He opened the envelope and pulled out a letter written on a yellow piece of paper.
*
Steve looked at PJ again. Those blue eyes, the tousled sandy blond curls, were Paul•¿½??s. This was Paul's son.
Consider trimming:
Steve looked at PJ again. Those blue eyes and tousled sandy curls were Paul•¿½??s.
(The conclusion this was Paul's son is implied without needing to be stated but that is optionally acceptable of course)
*Steve and Marion (HAD) tried to talk Paul out of re-upping, but he could be a stubborn cuss.
*All his buddies in his unit were going for it, so he couldn•¿½??t say no. Three weeks later he was killed by a roadside bomb.
Could be tightened (also removing the passive voicing WAS KILLED BY A)
All his unit-buddies were going for it, so he couldn•¿½??t say no. Three weeks later a roadside bomb killed him.
*Consider using contractions in the dialog here- sounds more natural and uses one less word:
•¿½??How'd you get here?•¿½??
I hope this helps.
one more suggestion-- visit Suneagle's page--he has an essay on Flash Fiction with everything you need to know about this genre. he also teaches the FF course on FS. I took his class, which i why i can pass on these details...good luck.
all the best-
rama devi
Comment Written 16-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
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Ouch, my first two. Well, I asked for it, didn't I? I hope you return and finish the review because I really want the rest of your feedback. I intend on polishing this story for an off-site contest and I need all the help I can get. For now, I have to wait for the voting to finish. Thank you. (You definitely get a ROM nom for this terrific review, but that will have to wait until the voting is over so I don't reveal my identity.)
Comment from sizemore0409
Wow. What a great piece of flash fiction. Amazingly, it has all the quality components of any great short story, somehow skillfully packed into only 794 words. Gripping story-line, great character-development --- including the inter-relationships of all the members of this family --- two layers of back-story, enough imagery to enable me to clearly visualize the entire story, superb dialogue, and enough potent emotion to seize my heart and control it all the way through,, and cause it to swell massively right up into my smiling face and tear-filled eyes at the awesomely tender, enchanting and gratifying ending. All in only 794 words.
Wow. Andy
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
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Wow. What a great piece of flash fiction. Amazingly, it has all the quality components of any great short story, somehow skillfully packed into only 794 words. Gripping story-line, great character-development --- including the inter-relationships of all the members of this family --- two layers of back-story, enough imagery to enable me to clearly visualize the entire story, superb dialogue, and enough potent emotion to seize my heart and control it all the way through,, and cause it to swell massively right up into my smiling face and tear-filled eyes at the awesomely tender, enchanting and gratifying ending. All in only 794 words.
Wow. Andy
Comment Written 16-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
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Oh, my goodness, Andy, I'm speechless! Thank you so much for the generous rating and wonderful review.
Comment from stanishmichelle
I was moved reading this original story. It is believable and the characters strong. Steve's emotions were convincing, and the contents of the letter with bad grammar likewise as well. PJ's reaction to a dinner invitation is real and expected from a child with a background like his. The ending is great. Good luck.
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
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I was moved reading this original story. It is believable and the characters strong. Steve's emotions were convincing, and the contents of the letter with bad grammar likewise as well. PJ's reaction to a dinner invitation is real and expected from a child with a background like his. The ending is great. Good luck.
Comment Written 16-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
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Thank you, Michelle, you are very kind. I appreciate the encouraging review and the good luck wishes.
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All the best. Michelle
