Flash Fiction Collection
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "The Family That Eats Together..."a selection of my best flash fiction
33 total reviews
Comment from Mustang Patty
Dear Author; this is a very moving story with a wonderful twist. I'm not sure how it would really go if a little boy showed up on a doorstep during dinner, but it is nice to think he would be taken in by a loving grandparent. You did a wonderful job in 800 words of building characters and giving us a story line. Well done - good luck in the contest. ~patty~
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
  |
Dear Author; this is a very moving story with a wonderful twist. I'm not sure how it would really go if a little boy showed up on a doorstep during dinner, but it is nice to think he would be taken in by a loving grandparent. You did a wonderful job in 800 words of building characters and giving us a story line. Well done - good luck in the contest. ~patty~
Comment Written 16-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
-
Thank you very much, Patty, I appreciate the great review.
Comment from moyramouse
A heart-warming family story. You moved us through the stages of the lunch, revealing tit-bits about the family members so we could picture the scene in our imaginations. The daughter who would rather be out with her friends, the younger brother scoring a point on his sister, mum trying to keep the last tradition going, the knowledge that another son had died in Iraq, the grief the father had largely kept hidden. We were there with you. And then the gift in the guise of his grandson. A happy ending! x moyramouse
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
|
A heart-warming family story. You moved us through the stages of the lunch, revealing tit-bits about the family members so we could picture the scene in our imaginations. The daughter who would rather be out with her friends, the younger brother scoring a point on his sister, mum trying to keep the last tradition going, the knowledge that another son had died in Iraq, the grief the father had largely kept hidden. We were there with you. And then the gift in the guise of his grandson. A happy ending! x moyramouse
Comment Written 16-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
-
Thank you, I appreciate the great review.
Comment from Stacia Ann
I liked this a lot, a bittersweet story.
Not your usual dinnertime banter:)
Good details, like the father reaching for the phone to call his son before remembering.
Only concerns--
I can't imagine Rayleen really writing exactly the way she talks, with dropped g's marked with apostrophes; she'd spell those words "ing" even if pronouncing them "in'."
"Hicks" might be rethought as a last name, too.
Thanks for sharing this. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
|
I liked this a lot, a bittersweet story.
Not your usual dinnertime banter:)
Good details, like the father reaching for the phone to call his son before remembering.
Only concerns--
I can't imagine Rayleen really writing exactly the way she talks, with dropped g's marked with apostrophes; she'd spell those words "ing" even if pronouncing them "in'."
"Hicks" might be rethought as a last name, too.
Thanks for sharing this. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 16-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
-
Thank you, Stacia, you have a good point. I will change that after the voting is over. Not sure what is wrong with the name "Hicks". I appreciate the thoughtful review.
-
Glad if I was able to help.
Nothing really wrong with "Hicks," except that, in my dialect at least, a "hick" is an uneducated person from a rurual area, a little to close to what the young lady actually was:)
I did enjoy the story. Keep writing.
Stacia
Comment from fionageorge
How good was that? Great story, wonderful and uplifting ending, and yes, another mouth to feed. I loved the way the letter came into the story half-way through. It was well written, full of normal family banter and full of love. Great writing. Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest. Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
|
How good was that? Great story, wonderful and uplifting ending, and yes, another mouth to feed. I loved the way the letter came into the story half-way through. It was well written, full of normal family banter and full of love. Great writing. Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest. Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment Written 16-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
-
Thank you, Marijke, I appreciate the wonderful review.
Comment from Rama Rao
A fine story well written, which made good reading. Steve had shown his happiness when he discovered PJ was his grandson without doubting even for a second. A touching tale. However, since you asked for feedback, here we go.
for a blessed- delete a
He'd never seen him before, but there was something about him...The pronouns are confusing. It would be better,Steve had never seen the boy but there was something about him.
Sometimes he picked up the phone to share something that happened, caught himself dialing before he remembered
-Sometimes, he picked up the phone to call his son, but checked himself as he remembered about him.
sensed a wisdom-delete a here also.
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
|
A fine story well written, which made good reading. Steve had shown his happiness when he discovered PJ was his grandson without doubting even for a second. A touching tale. However, since you asked for feedback, here we go.
for a blessed- delete a
He'd never seen him before, but there was something about him...The pronouns are confusing. It would be better,Steve had never seen the boy but there was something about him.
Sometimes he picked up the phone to share something that happened, caught himself dialing before he remembered
-Sometimes, he picked up the phone to call his son, but checked himself as he remembered about him.
sensed a wisdom-delete a here also.
Comment Written 16-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
-
Thank you, I appreciate the honest review. I will see about those suggestions after the voting is over.
Comment from marcellawachtel
Great story, and a terrific contender for the flash fiction contest. Well written, with an absolutely unanticipated ending that brought tears to my eyes as well as to Steve's.
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
|
Great story, and a terrific contender for the flash fiction contest. Well written, with an absolutely unanticipated ending that brought tears to my eyes as well as to Steve's.
Comment Written 16-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
-
Thank you, Marcella, I'm so glad you enjoyed my story.
Comment from Belinda
Wow, the letter comes with a surprise... another 'piece' of his dead son! This is an interesting story for the 'letter' contest. So much in such a short piece.
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
|
Wow, the letter comes with a surprise... another 'piece' of his dead son! This is an interesting story for the 'letter' contest. So much in such a short piece.
Comment Written 16-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
-
Thank you for reading, Belinda, and for the review.
Comment from Veekz
No suggestions for improvement from this reader - I really enjoyed this story from start to finish :)
It's bittersweet that they get a grandchild they never knew while at the same time the boy has had to lose both parents in order for them to come together.
Beautifully written, lovely tale :)
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2011
|
No suggestions for improvement from this reader - I really enjoyed this story from start to finish :)
It's bittersweet that they get a grandchild they never knew while at the same time the boy has had to lose both parents in order for them to come together.
Beautifully written, lovely tale :)
Comment Written 15-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2011
-
Thank you for the kind, encouraging words and generous rating.
Comment from hothead1967
A heartwarming read. I liked the progression/flow of the story, the timing of the letter, the content, etc. The best thing about this work is its simplicity. Thank you for the opportunity to read. It was a pleasure to come across this!
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2011
|
A heartwarming read. I liked the progression/flow of the story, the timing of the letter, the content, etc. The best thing about this work is its simplicity. Thank you for the opportunity to read. It was a pleasure to come across this!
Comment Written 15-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2011
-
Thank you, I'm so glad you enjoyed my story.
Comment from RebelRose
This is a very sweet and heartwarming story. It captured my interest right away and held it all the way through. Great ending. I thoroughly enjoyed reading and reviewing this well written story. I saw nothing to change.
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2011
|
This is a very sweet and heartwarming story. It captured my interest right away and held it all the way through. Great ending. I thoroughly enjoyed reading and reviewing this well written story. I saw nothing to change.
Comment Written 15-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2011
-
Thank you, RR, I'm so glad you found my story engaging, and I appreciate the kind review.
