The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "A First Round Knockout"A family learns their father is a serial killer
28 total reviews
Comment from vickib
Wow that was good. I've never heard any victims faced with something like that talk like that in front of reporters. That's the way to do it and me thinking yeah man that's what I'd want to say too. Super writing Valerie. Deserves a six because that was smooth, strong writing skills. XO Vicki
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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Wow that was good. I've never heard any victims faced with something like that talk like that in front of reporters. That's the way to do it and me thinking yeah man that's what I'd want to say too. Super writing Valerie. Deserves a six because that was smooth, strong writing skills. XO Vicki
Comment Written 15-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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I am thrilled you liked this one. I PM'd you about the motivation for this chapter. I sincerely appreciate the 6 stars.
Comment from Alaskastory
'A First Round Knockout' is a remarkable chapter, Sasha. Usually, long speeches by a character are a bit tiresome, but not the speech James makes to reporters. Great depth and full of feeling.
Fabulous chapter! luv, Marie
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
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'A First Round Knockout' is a remarkable chapter, Sasha. Usually, long speeches by a character are a bit tiresome, but not the speech James makes to reporters. Great depth and full of feeling.
Fabulous chapter! luv, Marie
Comment Written 16-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2011
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Thank you so much for the awesome 6 stars. I am thrilled you enjoyed this chapter that much. I sincerely appreciate them.
Comment from Showboat
Excellent chapter, Sasha, very good portrayal of media treatment of the family in this case.
Kudos, m'dear.
I notice another pm in my box! I've been stuck in the editing cave for a week...lost my dog, but that's really better for me. I've got so much to do to compete here!
Hugs,
Gawyle
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2011
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Excellent chapter, Sasha, very good portrayal of media treatment of the family in this case.
Kudos, m'dear.
I notice another pm in my box! I've been stuck in the editing cave for a week...lost my dog, but that's really better for me. I've got so much to do to compete here!
Hugs,
Gawyle
Comment Written 15-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2011
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Good heavens, I do hope you find your dog. I lost mine once and cried for a week before we finally found him. Thanks for the great review.
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LOL, I meant my 'FS award writing dog', mostly the Lab! I've been so busy editing I haven't had time to write!
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I'm glad to hear you didn't lose you dog but sorry you've been too busy to write...I was wondering where you had gone.
Comment from Tellis
His words probably reached the reporters, but most of them are hardly human anymore. I enjoyed reading this excellent chapter.
Tellis
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2011
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His words probably reached the reporters, but most of them are hardly human anymore. I enjoyed reading this excellent chapter.
Tellis
Comment Written 15-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2011
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Thank you very much. I am pleased you enjoyed this.
Comment from fictionwriter
very impactful chapter. I loved how James put other people in the place of he and his family, giving them a better knowledge of what it might be like to have this happen to them. Great job.
like a frightened child, feigned a smile, and nodded(.)
surrounded by an out-of-control mob(,) pushing and shoving
Mr. Hurley was waiting for us at the top of the steps(,) standing
remained close enough if needed.(start a new paragraph here) After the crowd finally
I ask that you not interrupt them while they are speaking(,) and I want to make
I knew she was not going to answer(,) but I paused long enough to make my
For the third time(,) I looked at the first reporter I spoke to.
your need to believe your husband was still the man you loved,(I would take out this comma because it takes the second part away from the first and they need to be joined so the sentence makes sense) be so strong it would
husband in to the police(,) knowing he would
they deserve an answer to the questions, why did my father do this and why did he choose (I thought this read a bit awkward. I would revise it to say they derves answers to why)
My family and I have asked ourselves those questions a hundred times(,) and we do not have the answer(s)."
To my surprise, when we walked down the steps(,) the crowd of reporters silently stepped(parted)
I honestly don't(didn't) know, nor do(did)
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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very impactful chapter. I loved how James put other people in the place of he and his family, giving them a better knowledge of what it might be like to have this happen to them. Great job.
like a frightened child, feigned a smile, and nodded(.)
surrounded by an out-of-control mob(,) pushing and shoving
Mr. Hurley was waiting for us at the top of the steps(,) standing
remained close enough if needed.(start a new paragraph here) After the crowd finally
I ask that you not interrupt them while they are speaking(,) and I want to make
I knew she was not going to answer(,) but I paused long enough to make my
For the third time(,) I looked at the first reporter I spoke to.
your need to believe your husband was still the man you loved,(I would take out this comma because it takes the second part away from the first and they need to be joined so the sentence makes sense) be so strong it would
husband in to the police(,) knowing he would
they deserve an answer to the questions, why did my father do this and why did he choose (I thought this read a bit awkward. I would revise it to say they derves answers to why)
My family and I have asked ourselves those questions a hundred times(,) and we do not have the answer(s)."
To my surprise, when we walked down the steps(,) the crowd of reporters silently stepped(parted)
I honestly don't(didn't) know, nor do(did)
Comment Written 14-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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Thanks so much for catching the spags. We are not supposed to make excuses but I have been going nuts trying to write a poem for Brooke's class that my brain has gone into a tailspin. I am amazed I can even remember my name!
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I just went through you critique of my last chapter and wanted to make sure you know I sincerely appreciate the time and effort you put into this. I made the changes you suggested and feel it definitely reads much better with them.
Comment from raw form
SG you set that scenario up well. I imagined something like that would come about but vwhat would one say? you hit all the good points on the headand ended it gracefully with their exit. Reading this is better than waiting for a favorite TV show as you have got me hooked waiting for the next chapter.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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SG you set that scenario up well. I imagined something like that would come about but vwhat would one say? you hit all the good points on the headand ended it gracefully with their exit. Reading this is better than waiting for a favorite TV show as you have got me hooked waiting for the next chapter.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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I am thrilled you liked this chapter...I must admit, I had fun writing it.
Comment from Aski
What a powerful delivery! Certainly James was the only one in the family who could do that. I like the pauses James makes for his words to sink in. That shows confidence. It also sounds like the kind of thing that many people would like to say to reporters. James' mother expressed what one would expect. While she has no blame for the loss of victim's families she still offers the only thing she can. Excellent piece of writing here.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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What a powerful delivery! Certainly James was the only one in the family who could do that. I like the pauses James makes for his words to sink in. That shows confidence. It also sounds like the kind of thing that many people would like to say to reporters. James' mother expressed what one would expect. While she has no blame for the loss of victim's families she still offers the only thing she can. Excellent piece of writing here.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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Thank you very much for the enthusiastic review. I am thrilled you liked this one.
Comment from Readywriter52
James put the reporters in their places. They had no right to accuse the family on knowingly aiding a murderer. No one would ever suspect a family member of being a murderer. Their silence indicates they must have agreed a little with James.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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James put the reporters in their places. They had no right to accuse the family on knowingly aiding a murderer. No one would ever suspect a family member of being a murderer. Their silence indicates they must have agreed a little with James.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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You would be amazed how many families are accused of knowing the truth and literally driven out of town by harassment by both the media and the public.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Valerie:)
As always, I think you hit a home run with this highly visual and emotional chapter and it is SPAG-free.. Just a few comments:
1. When she saw the crowd of reporters and dozens of cameras, her knees buckled and Uncle Mark quickly grabbed her before she fell. Aunt Em rushed to Mom's side. "Are you sure you want to do this?" {Who wouldn't panic?}
2. With Mac on one side of Mom and Uncle Mark on the other, they pushed the throng of unruly reporters aside so we could get to the courthouse steps. I thanked Mac and asked him why he was there.
"Curiosity. I thought I'd come hear what you had to say." Mac winked and stepped to the side. {Mac is certainly 'a friend when needed.}
3. Mr. Hurley was waiting for us at the top of the steps standing behind three microphones apparently placed there by the reporters. I took hold of Mom's hand and feeling her tremble, I whispered into her ear. "It's going to be fine. By the time you speak, I'll have them eating out of my hand."
Mom smiled, but this time it was a real one. Wiping a single tear from her eye, Mom kissed me on the cheek. "I want you to know how proud I am of you." {James i clearly in charge now, but Mr. Hurley keeps going beyong the call of duty to help out.}
4. I took a deep breath. Although I could hear cameras clicking, I was surprised to see the previously wild mob standing frozen, completely silent, and staring directly at me. I took advantage of the silence and looked out over the crowd. Then, one by one, I intentionally made eye contact with each reporter. After several long, tense minutes, I cleared my throat. At that moment, I finally knew what I was going to say. {I like the way James handles the reporters and later turns the tables on them with some poignant questions of his own. Great writing.}
5. "The only people who have the right to ask us any questions are the families of the victims. More than anyone, they deserve an answer to the questions, why did my father do this and why did he choose their daughter? My family and I have asked ourselves those questions a hundred times and we do not have the answer." {Fantastic statement.}
I'm glad you kept this chapter intact from the first draft. I don't know how you could improve it. I would gladly give you six stars again, but FanStory still won' allow it.
Now I am ready to move on to the major changes that I expect in the revisions to come. More than ever, I picture this story in a major movie.
love and Irish hugs,
Roger
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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Hi Valerie:)
As always, I think you hit a home run with this highly visual and emotional chapter and it is SPAG-free.. Just a few comments:
1. When she saw the crowd of reporters and dozens of cameras, her knees buckled and Uncle Mark quickly grabbed her before she fell. Aunt Em rushed to Mom's side. "Are you sure you want to do this?" {Who wouldn't panic?}
2. With Mac on one side of Mom and Uncle Mark on the other, they pushed the throng of unruly reporters aside so we could get to the courthouse steps. I thanked Mac and asked him why he was there.
"Curiosity. I thought I'd come hear what you had to say." Mac winked and stepped to the side. {Mac is certainly 'a friend when needed.}
3. Mr. Hurley was waiting for us at the top of the steps standing behind three microphones apparently placed there by the reporters. I took hold of Mom's hand and feeling her tremble, I whispered into her ear. "It's going to be fine. By the time you speak, I'll have them eating out of my hand."
Mom smiled, but this time it was a real one. Wiping a single tear from her eye, Mom kissed me on the cheek. "I want you to know how proud I am of you." {James i clearly in charge now, but Mr. Hurley keeps going beyong the call of duty to help out.}
4. I took a deep breath. Although I could hear cameras clicking, I was surprised to see the previously wild mob standing frozen, completely silent, and staring directly at me. I took advantage of the silence and looked out over the crowd. Then, one by one, I intentionally made eye contact with each reporter. After several long, tense minutes, I cleared my throat. At that moment, I finally knew what I was going to say. {I like the way James handles the reporters and later turns the tables on them with some poignant questions of his own. Great writing.}
5. "The only people who have the right to ask us any questions are the families of the victims. More than anyone, they deserve an answer to the questions, why did my father do this and why did he choose their daughter? My family and I have asked ourselves those questions a hundred times and we do not have the answer." {Fantastic statement.}
I'm glad you kept this chapter intact from the first draft. I don't know how you could improve it. I would gladly give you six stars again, but FanStory still won' allow it.
Now I am ready to move on to the major changes that I expect in the revisions to come. More than ever, I picture this story in a major movie.
love and Irish hugs,
Roger
Comment Written 13-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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Once again, thank you for your thorough critique. No, not many changes to this chapter. I liked it just the way it was.
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Ok Em is not a bitch! lol ... you write with such an unbelievable reality that this sounds totally true. I really love that James and would be more than a little proud to call him son! well done xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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Ok Em is not a bitch! lol ... you write with such an unbelievable reality that this sounds totally true. I really love that James and would be more than a little proud to call him son! well done xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 12-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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I feel the same way about him. I'm so pleased you liked this chapter.
