The Grape Ape Who Would Be King
about knowing who you are19 total reviews
Comment from EXMAN. nffc
with plush meadows overflowing waterfalls
comma after 'meadows'
all manner of dreams; but, the finest thing
This is tough to read. I would put a full stop after 'dreams' and start the new sentence with But and remove the comma.
The palace was overjoyed but, especially King Alexander and Queen Angelina.
Remove the 'but' it adds nothing.
King Alexander climbed to the highest tree in all the land and thumping his chest, the King's roar was heard throughout his kingdom.
You've changed tense here and it reads off. I would rewrite as:King Alexander climbed the highest tree in all the land and thumped his chest. "Today is a day...," he roared for all the kingdom to hear.
His name was Prince Alastair which means "defender."
Rewrite as:His name was, Prince Alastair, which means, 'defender'.
Not sure about the comma after 'means' though.
healthy ape but, the new prince had
comma before 'but'
matter that Prince Alastair had been
comma after 'that'
started school the other apes he didn't know laughed at him and pointed fingers. .
comma after 'school' and remove the extra fullstop.
I mean, how can any self respecting ape, who plans to rule a kingdom, be the color of a grape?
This comment is slipping into second person. It is you, the author entering the story and thus pushing me out of it. Either give it to a character to say or remove it altogether.
It never seemed to matter that Prince Alastair
It didn't seem to matter that Alistair
Phrase repetition close together.
he always was just
I would write as: he was always just...
Well this is interesting. It feels like a childrens story and one I can see as an illustrated book. I'm not sure about the voice you are using but will read on before commenting further on that. Be careful of too much telling and not enough showing. Otherwise, this has good potential. I quite like it.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2011
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with plush meadows overflowing waterfalls
comma after 'meadows'
all manner of dreams; but, the finest thing
This is tough to read. I would put a full stop after 'dreams' and start the new sentence with But and remove the comma.
The palace was overjoyed but, especially King Alexander and Queen Angelina.
Remove the 'but' it adds nothing.
King Alexander climbed to the highest tree in all the land and thumping his chest, the King's roar was heard throughout his kingdom.
You've changed tense here and it reads off. I would rewrite as:King Alexander climbed the highest tree in all the land and thumped his chest. "Today is a day...," he roared for all the kingdom to hear.
His name was Prince Alastair which means "defender."
Rewrite as:His name was, Prince Alastair, which means, 'defender'.
Not sure about the comma after 'means' though.
healthy ape but, the new prince had
comma before 'but'
matter that Prince Alastair had been
comma after 'that'
started school the other apes he didn't know laughed at him and pointed fingers. .
comma after 'school' and remove the extra fullstop.
I mean, how can any self respecting ape, who plans to rule a kingdom, be the color of a grape?
This comment is slipping into second person. It is you, the author entering the story and thus pushing me out of it. Either give it to a character to say or remove it altogether.
It never seemed to matter that Prince Alastair
It didn't seem to matter that Alistair
Phrase repetition close together.
he always was just
I would write as: he was always just...
Well this is interesting. It feels like a childrens story and one I can see as an illustrated book. I'm not sure about the voice you are using but will read on before commenting further on that. Be careful of too much telling and not enough showing. Otherwise, this has good potential. I quite like it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2011
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I think I just joined the rank of FanStory SPAG Princess...lmao!
Man, I have to stop writing so late and get to bed but, this one has been rumbling around in my head for days and had to get it out...those bingo balls were slamming hard in my head!
It is a children's story Ex good grief, I sent it out as a Children's story and the fact you can see it illustrated, well damn that nearly made me swoon!
I have no idea about this person perspective thing, no educational background so I must go and see what I can learn about that...
Yeah Yeah I know I have heaps of cleaning up on this one, but I'm on it...lol thanks my friend appreciate your response. xoxo Kiwi
Comment from lola29
Hi Kiwi! You've written a very engaging story that flows effortless because of your great writing skills. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this chapter because I like things and people who have different views, and I can't wiat to find out why Alastair was born purple.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2011
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Hi Kiwi! You've written a very engaging story that flows effortless because of your great writing skills. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this chapter because I like things and people who have different views, and I can't wiat to find out why Alastair was born purple.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2011
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ultimately children's story telling is where I'd like to be...the other stuff is just the rehearsal...now if I can only get my spag and tenses and point of views worked out...I get so involved sometimes I can't stay out of my own stories...lol xoxo Kiwi
p.s. thanks cookie appreciated your review so much xoxo d
Comment from Jnetgame
Very cute children's story about the ape the color of a grape. The only suggestion I have is to watch your word choice. I'm not sure kids would understand words such as "adamant" and "triumph". I enjoyed this and look forward to your next part.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2011
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Very cute children's story about the ape the color of a grape. The only suggestion I have is to watch your word choice. I'm not sure kids would understand words such as "adamant" and "triumph". I enjoyed this and look forward to your next part.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2011
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probably not Jnetgame, thanks for the hint and anytime you see anything please give me a yell ... we are only 6000 miles apart ...giggles so stand on a high mountain or go see the King and climb up on his Tree...giggles xoxo Kiwi
Comment from adewpearl
Deb, I love your description of this fantasy kingdom - it's a pleasure to visualize.
You start out in the past tense - once upon a time there was, but then you shift to present tense
for a while and then shift back to past
His name was Prince Alastair, which means - add comma
into a fine healthy ape but, -
ape, but
knew how to be a friend but, - friend, but
old suits of armor that was laying - that were lying
This is a delightful story so far - my favorite part is the final section where he wheres the comical disguises :-)
Brooke
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2011
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Deb, I love your description of this fantasy kingdom - it's a pleasure to visualize.
You start out in the past tense - once upon a time there was, but then you shift to present tense
for a while and then shift back to past
His name was Prince Alastair, which means - add comma
into a fine healthy ape but, -
ape, but
knew how to be a friend but, - friend, but
old suits of armor that was laying - that were lying
This is a delightful story so far - my favorite part is the final section where he wheres the comical disguises :-)
Brooke
Comment Written 27-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2011
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oh Lordy Brook, lol
do I need help or what?? think I just became the Spag Princess cause I think Smurphgirl is already claimed the Queendom...
such a helpful and wonderful support review...thanks will dive right back in there and go take care of my sweet little purple ape! xoxo deb
Comment from stanishmichelle
I was disappointed when I got to the end, and realized it was to be continued. I can't wait to read the continuation. This is a great children story. The title is cute too. Good plot and characters. Alistair seems to be a smart fun loving ape.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2011
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I was disappointed when I got to the end, and realized it was to be continued. I can't wait to read the continuation. This is a great children story. The title is cute too. Good plot and characters. Alistair seems to be a smart fun loving ape.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2011
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Thanks Michelle,
I am learning lots about this story myself and some of the reviews given on it have given me pause for thought...can't wait to see where my grape ape Prince Alastair is going to take me! thanks for your read and review and for the support you give to me. xoxo deborah
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Thanks too. I will be reading it later to my son. xxooxx Michelle
Comment from moyramouse
I wish I could draw....lovely images of Ali looking cool in his shades and trench coat, hilarious mind pictures of him in his kilt waving his bagpipes and then clanking through the trees in his dad's armour. I can't wait to discover how the story continues.... my grand-daughters would love to listen to this. x moyramouse
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2011
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I wish I could draw....lovely images of Ali looking cool in his shades and trench coat, hilarious mind pictures of him in his kilt waving his bagpipes and then clanking through the trees in his dad's armour. I can't wait to discover how the story continues.... my grand-daughters would love to listen to this. x moyramouse
Comment Written 27-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2011
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Thanks Moyra. What a sweetheart you are in your support of my work. I am working on a couple of different scenarios for my purple prince....xoxo Kiwi
Comment from BethShelby
I think you story would be a fun one for children. Kids always like animals stories and apes are fun animals. Also children need to learn to look past color or other difference their classmates may have and judge people by how kind and helpful they are to their friends.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2011
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I think you story would be a fun one for children. Kids always like animals stories and apes are fun animals. Also children need to learn to look past color or other difference their classmates may have and judge people by how kind and helpful they are to their friends.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2011
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Yes Beth ultimately I hope to be able to write for children. I love the picture books of the 50's when the storytelling was real and the pictures were inspired not to a formula as I think many kid's books are written today. I have a personal children's collection of about 2000 at this point...lol...anyways thanks for the lovely review and support! xoxo Deborah
Comment from Sarah_Goldwell
This is a very well written chapter. It it beautifully descriptive and the storyline flows well and is easy to follow. Interesting little take on the ape struggling to come to terms with being a different colour and a good way to help children understand diversity and race issues.
Many years ago when my son was about 5 or 6 he asked me why he was a different colour to the rest of his class. I explained that there are black rabbits, and white rabbits just the same as people. His answer to that was:
"But, Mummy, we're not black, we're brown." Kids don't you just love their innocence lol.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2011
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This is a very well written chapter. It it beautifully descriptive and the storyline flows well and is easy to follow. Interesting little take on the ape struggling to come to terms with being a different colour and a good way to help children understand diversity and race issues.
Many years ago when my son was about 5 or 6 he asked me why he was a different colour to the rest of his class. I explained that there are black rabbits, and white rabbits just the same as people. His answer to that was:
"But, Mummy, we're not black, we're brown." Kids don't you just love their innocence lol.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2011
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Yeah love the innocent way they see life...simple point blank and generally exactly right...thank you for your encouragement. I never know how to end stories but, this one I have a couple of ideas on how ole Prince Alastair is gonna handle things. It would have been a simple way to just close it down with the presto jingo it's all fixed answer but, I want more from myself and a grape ape seemed to do it for me. Ultimately, I hope to write children's literature. I have a personal collection of nearly 2000 kids books from 40s, 50s, through the 70's mainly...oh lord the things we collect. lol...thanks again xoxo Kiwi
Comment from CodyJack
Between majestic mounains there was (mountains?)
This was very good and holds the readers attention. You wrote this very well with imagery. I love the story and am eager to find out why or how he became a purple ape. Great work. Your friend, Cody
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2011
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Between majestic mounains there was (mountains?)
This was very good and holds the readers attention. You wrote this very well with imagery. I love the story and am eager to find out why or how he became a purple ape. Great work. Your friend, Cody
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2011
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oh lord Cody, I think I have to stop writing at 2 am in the morning...lol...thanks for catching my error I fixed and for your continued support...xoxo debs
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That's ok. You find my errors and I will find yours LOL.
