Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 34 "Chapter 14; part three"Can love survive small town gossip?
80 total reviews
Comment from Carolyn Hilliard
Excellent. You have them in character and back on track.
Glad to hear you are doing well. I keep chicken bites with me during my chemo. I just could not eat large amounts. V8 fusion drinks also became part of my diet. They also kept me from getting constipated; which some patients do. God bless.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
  |
Excellent. You have them in character and back on track.
Glad to hear you are doing well. I keep chicken bites with me during my chemo. I just could not eat large amounts. V8 fusion drinks also became part of my diet. They also kept me from getting constipated; which some patients do. God bless.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
-
I will check out those drinks. Thank you for the tip and the kind review.
Comment from L.lora
Barbara this is a wonderful
addition to your storyline.
Your characters are finally
facing their probs and resolving
them...although one must admit
that Sara can be a bit irritating...
*smile* I'm not completely sold
on your final line dialogue, wondering
if someone would really talk like that?
Anyway, it is a good post and an
enjoyable read. Lora
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
|
Barbara this is a wonderful
addition to your storyline.
Your characters are finally
facing their probs and resolving
them...although one must admit
that Sara can be a bit irritating...
*smile* I'm not completely sold
on your final line dialogue, wondering
if someone would really talk like that?
Anyway, it is a good post and an
enjoyable read. Lora
Comment Written 23-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
-
I will recheck that final dialogue. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Ted T
Hi Barbara :)
Good chapter, nice dialogue exchanges. Short on description and/or atmosphere. I'm not sure of Joe's five separate paragraphs while he tells his story. It seems broken up without something between them.
I would never write it that way, but then, I'm not a formula romance writer.
Good luck with the closing chapter.
Ted
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
|
Hi Barbara :)
Good chapter, nice dialogue exchanges. Short on description and/or atmosphere. I'm not sure of Joe's five separate paragraphs while he tells his story. It seems broken up without something between them.
I would never write it that way, but then, I'm not a formula romance writer.
Good luck with the closing chapter.
Ted
Comment Written 23-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
-
Thank you for your kind review. This chapter is part of the longer one and the description of the scenery has already been given. It was too long to post as one chapter. They will move and I will describe the next scenery in my next post.
-
Okay :)
Description and atmosphere should be woven through the entire sequence.
-
I agree but if I spend all my time describing the ducks and the water, then I don't get to the story and that's a very minor part..
-
Try adding brief description between the five separate paragraphs of Joe's dialogue. Those need fixing anyway.
Ted
-
I will see what I can do.
-
Good idea :)
Keep at it.
Ted
Comment from nor84
"George mentioned that."
"He promised he wouldn't mention that >>> you could say "He promised he wouldn't mention our conversation" to avoid repeating " mentioned that."
"Especially Cassie(.) (S)he's not your flesh and blood."
"Every time we've started discussing it we were (we've been) interrupted
He studied his little finger and wiggled it.>>> that seems to be a needless physical action to avoid a dialogue tag. With only two people in the scene, you don't need a tag once it's clear who speaks first and who responds.
"Joe ...?" her voice trailed, paused, then continued, "What if you get angry with somebody else and beat them up in front of Cassie." He leaned over and >>> her words and action must be in a separate paragraph from his words and action.
When his hand was empty, he said, >>> this would be stronger if you started with " damn" and then he threw the pebbles. It shows his frustration better.
Of course, anything I suggest is just that - a suggestion. And, since men don't talk as much as we do, I suggest cutting " as deeply as I did."
He even allowed the townspeople and participated himself in chastising you for over fourteen years." >>>> the sentence should be restructured so that something follows " townspeople." More like this: he even allow the townspeople to to persecute you and did so himself for over 14 years." Not necessarily those words, but something to smooth out the sentence.
Good chapter, just needs of tweaking.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
 |
"George mentioned that."
"He promised he wouldn't mention that >>> you could say "He promised he wouldn't mention our conversation" to avoid repeating " mentioned that."
"Especially Cassie(.) (S)he's not your flesh and blood."
"Every time we've started discussing it we were (we've been) interrupted
He studied his little finger and wiggled it.>>> that seems to be a needless physical action to avoid a dialogue tag. With only two people in the scene, you don't need a tag once it's clear who speaks first and who responds.
"Joe ...?" her voice trailed, paused, then continued, "What if you get angry with somebody else and beat them up in front of Cassie." He leaned over and >>> her words and action must be in a separate paragraph from his words and action.
When his hand was empty, he said, >>> this would be stronger if you started with " damn" and then he threw the pebbles. It shows his frustration better.
Of course, anything I suggest is just that - a suggestion. And, since men don't talk as much as we do, I suggest cutting " as deeply as I did."
He even allowed the townspeople and participated himself in chastising you for over fourteen years." >>>> the sentence should be restructured so that something follows " townspeople." More like this: he even allow the townspeople to to persecute you and did so himself for over 14 years." Not necessarily those words, but something to smooth out the sentence.
Good chapter, just needs of tweaking.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
-
I made a hard copy so I wouldn't miss any of the changes.
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Barbara, it's an intense conversation between the two you've described here. Having all her doubts answered would become a strong foundation for the future. I'm glad you don't just let the issues go. Here are a couple of things I've noticed:
country hick --> country chick?
He threw a pebble toward the lake --> seems rather sudden after he lifted her chin ... :)
He leaned over and kissed her hand still against his chest.--> new para?
Just a few things from writer to writer, Barbara. All in all a very impressive and attractive chapter!
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
|
Hi, Barbara, it's an intense conversation between the two you've described here. Having all her doubts answered would become a strong foundation for the future. I'm glad you don't just let the issues go. Here are a couple of things I've noticed:
country hick --> country chick?
He threw a pebble toward the lake --> seems rather sudden after he lifted her chin ... :)
He leaned over and kissed her hand still against his chest.--> new para?
Just a few things from writer to writer, Barbara. All in all a very impressive and attractive chapter!
Comment Written 23-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
-
This may sound strange, but I actually meant country hick. It's a term used to cut down people from the country. I will check the others. Thank you for your eagle eye.
-
Thanks for your explanation. I am so used to chick, I should have consulted the dictionary before commenting. Sorry ...
Not a problem. I was born and used a country girl, so I am familar with the saying. Many people may not.
Comment from markk
Well written and powerful piece which shows the development of love between these two people and now starts to show the backstory too which is excellent. thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
|
Well written and powerful piece which shows the development of love between these two people and now starts to show the backstory too which is excellent. thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Barb,
not even reading your past chapters.
I'm impressed with you story about what Sara had to go through when she got date raped and got pregnant.
What I'm so happy about she is has someone who loves and seems to care for her so much.
Gert
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
 |
Hello Barb,
not even reading your past chapters.
I'm impressed with you story about what Sara had to go through when she got date raped and got pregnant.
What I'm so happy about she is has someone who loves and seems to care for her so much.
Gert
Comment Written 23-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
-
Thank you for your kind review and support.
Comment from mumsyone
Your chapter is fine; only a couple of boo-boos. Thanks for the author's notes; glad to hear your iron count is up!
women blew my socks off. (blow?)
townspeople and participated himself in chastising (townspeople, and participated himself, in chastising)
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
|
Your chapter is fine; only a couple of boo-boos. Thanks for the author's notes; glad to hear your iron count is up!
women blew my socks off. (blow?)
townspeople and participated himself in chastising (townspeople, and participated himself, in chastising)
Comment Written 23-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
-
Thank you for your kind review and eagle eye.
Comment from RKagan
A beautiful and fullfilling chapter in this love afair. You have done an excellent job and I will be sad to see it end. I see that we are almost there. I also read that you are not feelng well. God Bless you my friend. I pray that tommorow will be better.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
|
A beautiful and fullfilling chapter in this love afair. You have done an excellent job and I will be sad to see it end. I see that we are almost there. I also read that you are not feelng well. God Bless you my friend. I pray that tommorow will be better.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Shirley McLain
As far as I can see you didn't miss anything with your edit. You have earned the six just because you made me happy with Joe and Sara, but because of your exceptional writing put me write at the scene with them. Great job...feel better.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
|
As far as I can see you didn't miss anything with your edit. You have earned the six just because you made me happy with Joe and Sara, but because of your exceptional writing put me write at the scene with them. Great job...feel better.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
-
Thank you for your kind review and continued support.
