Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 33 "Chapter 14; part two"Can love survive small town gossip?
77 total reviews
Comment from nor84
I haven't been keeping up. Been busy editing. Didn't realize you were a fellow Capricorn, either.
"If it helped you (decide) decided to stay with me, I won't complain."
I was somewhat confused by the dialogue exchange that preceded this, because two character's actions were there. The words in quotes should belong to only one of them, and it need sto be clear who that is.
"When you're ready, there's another bite." Sara ate the rest of the strawberry. He leaned over and kissed her>>>here again, we have two characters in the dialogue exchange. Since Sara's name is closest to the quotes, the reader will assume she spoke the words, but I think he did. It's something to watch out for, Barbara.
Joe released a deep breath. "True, but I plan on being part of your life. The distance won't stop me treating you ...."
"You can't spend the rest of your life buying me flowers and taking me places in limousines," interrupted Sara.If Sara interrupted, then his speech should break off with an M-dash, like this:Joe released a deep breath. "True, but I plan on being part of your life. The distance won't stop me treating you (--)"
Good story.
This line would be more realistic witout the word "information." People generally just use 'what you want me to know.' "I'm concerned you only tell me information you want me to know."
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2011
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I haven't been keeping up. Been busy editing. Didn't realize you were a fellow Capricorn, either.
"If it helped you (decide) decided to stay with me, I won't complain."
I was somewhat confused by the dialogue exchange that preceded this, because two character's actions were there. The words in quotes should belong to only one of them, and it need sto be clear who that is.
"When you're ready, there's another bite." Sara ate the rest of the strawberry. He leaned over and kissed her>>>here again, we have two characters in the dialogue exchange. Since Sara's name is closest to the quotes, the reader will assume she spoke the words, but I think he did. It's something to watch out for, Barbara.
Joe released a deep breath. "True, but I plan on being part of your life. The distance won't stop me treating you ...."
"You can't spend the rest of your life buying me flowers and taking me places in limousines," interrupted Sara.If Sara interrupted, then his speech should break off with an M-dash, like this:Joe released a deep breath. "True, but I plan on being part of your life. The distance won't stop me treating you (--)"
Good story.
This line would be more realistic witout the word "information." People generally just use 'what you want me to know.' "I'm concerned you only tell me information you want me to know."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2011
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I have made a hard copy so I don't forget or miss any of the changes. Thank you.
Comment from carl8447
Ok Im a late bloomer with the novel but I see you have some chops. It seems that this is taking a long time with you and you're spending a lot of time on this especially with the relation of the strawberry's and the love life and the other characters. Good pacing and good luck on the novel.
Oh and sorry to hear about your illness. Hope you recover. as much as you can.
Carl
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2011
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Ok Im a late bloomer with the novel but I see you have some chops. It seems that this is taking a long time with you and you're spending a lot of time on this especially with the relation of the strawberry's and the love life and the other characters. Good pacing and good luck on the novel.
Oh and sorry to hear about your illness. Hope you recover. as much as you can.
Carl
Comment Written 16-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Mustang Patty
This is a lovely chapter to add to the story, and I'm glad he is being as honest as he can with her about his job. I wish she would stop worrying, and not look a 'gift horse in the mouth.' Thank you for the update about you - hang in there, you are in many prayers. ~patty~
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2011
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This is a lovely chapter to add to the story, and I'm glad he is being as honest as he can with her about his job. I wish she would stop worrying, and not look a 'gift horse in the mouth.' Thank you for the update about you - hang in there, you are in many prayers. ~patty~
Comment Written 16-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and support.
Comment from R. K. Alan
That woman drives me nuts... why does she have to manufacture reasons for not opening up and loving unconditionally. I grow tired of the constant pity-pot and move on. Ray aka Krylon
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2011
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That woman drives me nuts... why does she have to manufacture reasons for not opening up and loving unconditionally. I grow tired of the constant pity-pot and move on. Ray aka Krylon
Comment Written 16-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2011
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I think we will see her move on, at least a little or I hope she does. The novel is about to end. Thank youf or your kind review.
Comment from mountainwriter49
Hi Barbara,
I'm terribly sorry I'm so far behind in reading and I need to go back and read the previous chapters I've missed. This chapter keeps the pace going and develops the characters further. I enjoyed the read. I particularly liked the last couple of lines. It speaks well of the character of Sara's character and sets the tone for the next chapter.
On another note, your health, thanks for the update. Be sure to give yourself time to breathe and to rest. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
-ray
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2011
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Hi Barbara,
I'm terribly sorry I'm so far behind in reading and I need to go back and read the previous chapters I've missed. This chapter keeps the pace going and develops the characters further. I enjoyed the read. I particularly liked the last couple of lines. It speaks well of the character of Sara's character and sets the tone for the next chapter.
On another note, your health, thanks for the update. Be sure to give yourself time to breathe and to rest. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
-ray
Comment Written 16-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2011
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Thank you for your prayers and thoughts. I appreciate your kind review.
Comment from fionageorge
Another well written chapter, and I really enjoyed the interaction between Joe and Sara, as they systemactically go through her concerns (again, in some cases) and her insecurities. Good use of dialogue, and Joe's picnic basket made me feel hungry!
A couple of small observations:
"If it helped you decided [decide] to stay with me, I won't complain."
"What if I would have ['would have' is poor grammar. Better to use the word 'had' instead] decided I didn't want to see you anymore?"
I look forward to the next chapter.
Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2011
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Another well written chapter, and I really enjoyed the interaction between Joe and Sara, as they systemactically go through her concerns (again, in some cases) and her insecurities. Good use of dialogue, and Joe's picnic basket made me feel hungry!
A couple of small observations:
"If it helped you decided [decide] to stay with me, I won't complain."
"What if I would have ['would have' is poor grammar. Better to use the word 'had' instead] decided I didn't want to see you anymore?"
I look forward to the next chapter.
Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment Written 16-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2011
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Thank you for your eagle eye. I have made the corrections.
Comment from L.lora
Have to hand it to you, Joe
must have patience made of steel,
one would think he'd want to throw
his hands in the air in frustrated
awe--with Sara's last statement.
Great flow and excellent dialogue
through out. Everything is spot on
and made for an enjoyable read. no
nits or spags. Lora
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2011
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Have to hand it to you, Joe
must have patience made of steel,
one would think he'd want to throw
his hands in the air in frustrated
awe--with Sara's last statement.
Great flow and excellent dialogue
through out. Everything is spot on
and made for an enjoyable read. no
nits or spags. Lora
Comment Written 16-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2011
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from JRGarland
This is an awesome story. I didn't find any errors, but I'm not one for punctuations. The flow was smooth with an easy reading. To me that makes for the best writing. All in all, a tremendous write.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2011
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This is an awesome story. I didn't find any errors, but I'm not one for punctuations. The flow was smooth with an easy reading. To me that makes for the best writing. All in all, a tremendous write.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Distracted23
Hi,
Hope you're feeling better. Hang in there. I'm new to your story, but I enjoyed reading this chapter. From what I can tell, it appears to be character driven, which is not a bad thing. You seem comfortable writing dialogue. It flows well and sounds natural. One suggestion I have is perhaps to 'show' more instead of 'telling.' Otherwise, I found this entertaining and well written. Nicely done. Wishing you good health. I look forward to reading more of your work.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2011
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Hi,
Hope you're feeling better. Hang in there. I'm new to your story, but I enjoyed reading this chapter. From what I can tell, it appears to be character driven, which is not a bad thing. You seem comfortable writing dialogue. It flows well and sounds natural. One suggestion I have is perhaps to 'show' more instead of 'telling.' Otherwise, I found this entertaining and well written. Nicely done. Wishing you good health. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Narvik
Seems like the kind of story that could appeal to ordinary people yearning for an extraodinary life. I think I've pointed the out before, but I admire how you pace these chapters. I seem to rush my stories, so I'm trying to learn to pace like you do. Good job.
~ Captain Jack
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2011
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Seems like the kind of story that could appeal to ordinary people yearning for an extraodinary life. I think I've pointed the out before, but I admire how you pace these chapters. I seem to rush my stories, so I'm trying to learn to pace like you do. Good job.
~ Captain Jack
Comment Written 16-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and support. I appreciate both.
